by Staci Hart
I snickered and took another drink, nearly draining my glass.
“How was work?” Lily asked.
“It was rough, long. Today was my first day with the kids, and it went well. You know, other than feeling like a dead fish.”
They nodded, and we all took a drink.
I set my empty glass down and watched the ice melt inside. “I went to Cooper’s after work today.”
“What happened?” Lily asked gently.
“I told him that I needed time.”
Rose waited through a breath. “What happened over the weekend?”
I pushed my glass to her, and she filled it up. “It was amazing. Perfect. He was perfect. And in the end, I told him I wanted to be with him. To say fuck the rules and be together, to tell West. And then, Jimmy happened.”
“Fucking Jimmy.” Rose passed my drink over and sipped her own.
But I just held the glass in my hands and shook my head. “So I went to Cooper’s after work. I had to talk to talk to him, try to explain, you know? After all that, after making a promise, to have to go back on it …”
“How did it he take it?” Lily asked.
“Better than I thought he would, honestly. I expected him to try to convince me to change my mind, but he just let me go. I don’t know if I had the willpower to say no if he begged.” I spun my glass around. “He told me that he’d be waiting.” I took a heavy sip to burn away the lump in my throat.
Rose and Lily exchanged looks.
“What?” I asked.
Rose shook her head. “It’s just that this is so unlike Cooper.”
Lily shifted in her seat. “I mean, you have to understand — Cooper gets what he wants. No, it’s not even that. He can convince you to give him what he wants, and he’ll even have you thanking him for convincing you by the end of it. You said he just let you go. That he wants to be with you, and he let you go. It goes against Cooper physics.”
I felt sick. “Maybe he just doesn’t care about me enough to put up a fight.”
“He said he would wait for you,” Rose said. “That doesn’t sound like he wasn’t putting up a fight. It sounds like he’s giving you what you need so you’ll come back to him. Putting your needs above his own.”
I sighed. “That doesn’t make me feel less pressure to make a decision.” I picked up my drink and knocked it back.
“I know. But you should know that we believe he’s sincere, if that’s a question,” Lily added.
I wiped the sweat off my glass. “I just…I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel about Cooper or Jimmy or even myself. The closest I can get is knowing that I’d like to drink a third of this bottle, eat a pint of ice cream, and cry myself to sleep.”
Lily watched me. “What did you do with the box?”
“It’s in the closet. If you want to set it on fire or anything, be my guest.”
Rose poured another drink for herself. “Have you heard from Jimmy?”
“He texted me again. I haven’t responded to him in months, though.” I drained my drink and passed it to Rose, who took it and made quick work of filling it back up. “Now it’s been so long since we’ve talked, I don’t know what to say.”
“How about, ‘Go lick a hot iron real quick.’”
Rose snorted. “‘Stick a paperclip in an outlet and then call me.’”
“What would you even say to him?” Lily sat back in her seat, gathering her hair up and twisting it absently.
“I really don’t know. The hardest part of all of this is … well, everything. Even just seeing his handwriting. It’s the same handwriting on notes passed to me in high school. The only handwriting that’s ever written ‘I love you.’” I shook my head. “He’s the only man I’ve ever loved. But the entire thing was a lie, and I’m the fool who believed it. The fool who was suckered for years into thinking I’d found my dream guy.”
Rose rested her elbows on the table. “You don’t think he loved you?”
I dragged in a breath and let it go. “No, I suppose he loved me in his way. Loves me, if his note is true. But I don’t know that he’s capable of giving me what I want, giving me what he promised me when he put that ring on my finger. I believe he loves me, but I don’t believe he respects me. If he did, he wouldn’t have ever cheated. I just don’t know why he won’t let me go. Why would he do this to me? He’s already hurt me enough, and it’s not like I’ve been stringing him along. I haven’t even spoken to him. I thought moving two thousand miles away would solidify my stance on our relationship.”
Lily nodded. “I’m sure he’s sad and hurt, feeling guilty.”
My brow dropped at the thought, my hurt burning fresh. “I don’t pity him. I hope he regrets what he did to me every day for the rest of his life. The more I consider his motivation for sending that fucking box — which was selfish, because of course it was — the angrier I get. I was trying to move on, get over it.”
“But you weren’t, really.” Rose pointed out.
“No, I wasn’t. But I was trying to. Pretending to. If I ignored it long enough, it would have just been behind me one day, wouldn’t it have?” I knew how delusional it sounded the second it left my mouth, but funny enough, it’d always been something I’d considered an actual solution.
Rose sighed and picked at the placemat. “It doesn’t work that way in my experience. Your hurt just hangs around in some dark corner of your mind until something triggers it. And then, it explodes.”
I blew out a long breath, realizing how dumb I’d been. “Like last night.”
“Yes, like last night.” Lily paused. “Are you going to answer Jimmy? Call him?”
Dread snaked through me. “I don’t know.”
She picked up her drink. “I think what you need is closure.”
The word sounded like a promise, laced with hope. “But how?”
Lily shook her head. “I don’t know, but I think it’s the only way you’ll get through it, or at least the fastest way. Time can only do so much, you know? I mean, you can hide out, but look at how that’s going. He sent a letter and a box full of things that you already knew existed in the world, and you hyperventilated until you passed out. When was the last time you talked to him? Like, really talked to him?”
“Just before I left. He came over again, and Daddy sent him packing.”
Rose raised an eyebrow. “That doesn’t sound like you really talked to him. What happened after the wedding?”
“He came over the next day, but I got so upset when we tried to talk that I nearly had a panic attack. Daddy told him not to come back.”
“And then what happened?” Lily asked. “When did you see him after that?”
“I didn’t. I stayed home a lot, avoided the places I knew he went.”
“So,” Rose leaned on the table, “you mean to say that you never really sat down and talked to Jimmy about everything?”
“I guess not,” I answered quietly. “I didn’t have to handle anything, really. Mom sent all the gifts back, Daddy handled all the money. I got through the reception and then it was almost like it never happened. Except he’d come by, text me, call me. I just ignored him. I ignored everyone, and then I ran away.”
Lily’s eyes were sad. No one spoke, so I kept going.
“I didn’t know what to say to him. I just wanted him to go away, disappear. It’s why I moved here, you know that.”
“And he hasn’t let you go. He’s not going to either, I’d bet. Not until you deal with him.” Lily said.
“So … I should call him?”
She sighed. “I don’t know.”
Rose took a deep breath. “You’ve got to find a way to face it because if you don’t, it’ll just keep following you around like a ghost. Just when you think it’s gone, that you’re better, wham. Something happens and kicks you straight back to rock bottom.”
“Same thing happened when my grandmother died,” Lily said. “I didn’t cry for weeks. Spent all that time distracting myself, rehearsed extr
a hours, watched a ton of movies. And then, one day, I found her old scarf in my drawer, and I cried for two days straight. It’s unpredictable, grief.”
“But it’s not so sad as someone dying.”
“That doesn’t mean you’re not grieving. You’re mourning the relationship. It’s the future you constructed that died, and in the end, you still lost someone you love.”
I took a breath and picked up my drink, blinking back tears. “So how do I get closure? What do I have to do? Because there has to be something. I can’t just sit around waiting for another meltdown.”
Rose shook her head. “If you don’t find a way to shut him down once and for all then it’s definitely going to happen again.”
“What do I even tell him? I obviously don’t want to be with him. I don’t want to try again. I don’t want to hear what he has to say. What if he begs? What if somehow he convinces me … tells me … what if I…”
“Go back to him?” Lily asked. “I don’t think you’d do that. Do you?”
“I honestly don’t even know right now. I don’t trust myself, not with him and not with Cooper, and for entirely separate reasons.” I took a drink, almost killing it. Rose reached for it, and I waved her off.
Lily brought a knee up. “And what reasons are those?”
“I’m afraid Jimmy will convince me to come back, and I’m afraid to care about Cooper.”
“It might be too late for that,” Rose said.
“Might be. But I’m scared I’ll make it worse. I don’t want to hurt him.”
“Might be too late for that, too,” Lily added.
“Which is exactly why I walked away from him today. I can’t be responsible for someone else’s feelings right now, not when I can’t even deal with my own.”
Rose sighed. “This sucks.”
“Tell me about it.” I tipped my drink back until it was gone and set the glass on the table. “So, I’ve got to talk to Jimmy.”
Lily shrugged. “Doesn’t seem like he’s going anywhere. Ghosting him isn’t really an option. And anyway, ghosting is for pussies.”
“Ghosting?” I asked.
She pushed her hair over her shoulder. “Yeah, you know, when someone just disappears out of your life? Like they vanish, stop texting, unfollow you on social media. It’s basically a way for people to puss out of dealing with their relationships by running away instead of facing the other person and explaining themselves. You’re better than that. You can face him. Let him beg. You’re not going to forget what he did to you. You won’t forget the hurt. But you can close the door so you can move on.”
I nodded, staring into the amber liquid in my glass. “I’m going to have to prep myself for this. Hard.”
“Well,” Lily said with a smile, “luckily you have all the time you need. And you have two friends armed with an offensive sense of humor and lots and lots of alcohol.”
I chuckled. “Well, if that’s waiting for me at the end of all this, then maybe I’ll be okay.”
“Oh, you’ll definitely be okay,” she said, and part of me actually believed it was true.
19
GIVE AND TAKE
Maggie
IT HAD BEEN A LONG day.
I walked out of Susan’s office that afternoon, dragging myself through the shelter like a dead woman. I’d come in on my day off, not wanting to be alone with my thoughts. I wanted to work, focus, put my heart into lesson plans and prepping crafts for the kids. So, in an attempt to be productive, I’d been cutting pipe cleaners and yarn, tracing shapes onto construction paper and organizing the new supplies Catherine sent over.
God knew what I’d have been doing if I’d been home alone. Probably crying at The Notebook and eating Tootsie Rolls, which actually sounded fantastic. Plan for the night: acquired.
I walked into the empty office, my brow dropping as I approached the table where I’d been working. I didn’t see my bag where I’d left it, not after circling the table or digging through my big plastic bin of supplies in the hopes that I’d somehow lost my mind and put it in there. No bag — not on the ground, not on any of the chairs. My heart beat faster as I opened the cabinets, checked under every desk, in every corner.
It was gone.
I knew I hadn’t left it anywhere else, but I flew through the building all the same, checking the common rooms before blowing through the halls, into the kitchen. Brian stood behind the gigantic flat top with about thirty chicken breasts sizzling in front of him.
His brow dropped when he saw me. “Hey, Maggie. You okay?”
“No,” I heard the tremor in my voice. “I can’t find my bag, not anywhere. Have you seen it? It’s dark brown leather, a messenger bag?”
He called over another volunteer to take his place at the flat top before heading over to me. “We’ll find it. I’m sure it’s here somewhere.”
I nodded and followed him out of the room. Susan had left for the day, so we searched everywhere together, and my panic grew with every minute. Everything I needed — all the things I used every single day — it was all in that bag. My phone. Keys. Books. Wallet. At least I’d left my laptop at home. I stood in the middle of the office as we checked it for the fourth time, watching Brian pull out a desk to look behind it.
“It’s not here,” I said softly. “Someone took it.”
He looked over his shoulder at me as he scooted the desk back. “Maybe it’ll turn up.”
“Sure, maybe.”
He walked over to me, stepped close. “Is there anyone we can call?”
There was only one number beside my parents’ that I knew by heart — my brother’s. And that I-told-you-so would be bitter and harsh. I wasn’t equipped to deal with that, not today, not in that moment. So, I shook my head and gave him a weak smile. “I don’t know anyone’s number. They were all in my phone, and my phone was in my bag.”
He nodded with decision. “Let me get you home. I’ll catch us a cab and ride with you to make sure you can get into your apartment. Is anyone there to let you in?”
I glanced at the clock — it was almost five. Lily was still at work, and West was at school. Rose and Patrick may or may not be home. There was no way to know, and if I went all the way over there with nothing, and no one was there, I didn’t know what I’d do.
But there was one person who I knew was probably home.
“I have a friend who lives a few blocks away, and he has a key. I’ll start there.”
His brow was low. “I don’t know. Are you sure you’ll be okay? I don’t like the idea of you walking around Manhattan without a phone or money. Can I at least give you some cash?”
I waved a hand. “I’ll be fine. If no one’s home, I’ll come back here and take you up on your offer.”
He pulled out his wallet. “No, I insist. If you’re not going to let me get you home, at least take this.” He handed me a twenty. “It would make me feel a lot better to know you could at least get a cab.”
I sighed. He was right. I took the twenty and folded it, slipping it into my pocket. “Thank you, Brian. Really.”
“I’m sorry that this happened. I’ll talk to Susan, see if we can’t figure out what’s going on.”
“All right. I should get going while it’s still light out.”
“Listen, when you get home, find a phone and text yourself from the number you want me to call, just in case we find it.”
“Okay. Thanks again.”
“Sure thing,” he said. “Come back if you need anything. I’ll be here for a few more hours.”
I walked out of the room and out of the building, feeling lost, naked. Alone. I never set foot out of my apartment without the things in that bag, and now I was walking through the city with nothing but a twenty dollar bill in my pocket and the clothes on my back. Walking toward Cooper’s house.
Looking back, I should have taken a cab. I should have hailed a cab and gone home and prayed someone was there to let me in. But I didn’t. Instead, I walked those blocks, thinking of all
the reasons to go to him and all the reasons to walk away.
Reasons. Rules. Justifications I wore like armor to protect myself, to hide behind. I had been resolved, dug in my heels believing I was doing the right thing with every decision I made. But I didn’t know what was right or wrong anymore. I didn’t know what I wanted or what I needed.
I was still two blocks away when the sky opened up, first with fat, heavy drops, slow and steady, then faster, harder until it was raining in sheets. I could barely see. There was no awning, nowhere to wait out the deluge, so I hurried on, my hair hanging in my face, shoes slapping the pavement and clothes plastered to my body as I ran toward his building.
And the rain washed away my resolve. It washed away everything I thought I knew in rivulets and heavy drops, and the icy truth soaked through me, into my bones, so sharp that I split open. And what was left exposed was a scared little girl.
The doorman’s eyes bugged when he saw me approaching. “Are you all right, Miss Williams?”
I wrapped my arms around myself and nodded as I stepped under the canopy. “Just a little wet, thank you.”
He pulled open the door, and I ducked through shivering, my sneakers squeaking on the marble floor, across the big gold compass. He pressed the call button and stepped into the elevator, waving his fob over the pad.
“Just let me know if you need anything, miss.”
“Thank you.”
He tipped his hat and stepped out as the elevator doors closed. The only sounds were the chattering of my teeth and the hum of the motor as I rode up to his floor, stripped down and bare, my eyes on the seam of the doors and my heart frozen in my chest.
Cooper
The doorbell rang, and I got up, confused as I walked to the door, heartbroken when I opened it.
Maggie stood in my entryway, dripping wet, her curly hair hanging long and limp, her eyes wide and shiny. Her chin quivered, though I wasn’t sure if it was from her chattering teeth or the tears brimming in her eyes. Maybe both.
I reached for her, chest aching as I touched her freezing arm. “What’s wrong? What happened?”