by Staci Hart
Until Maggie.
I’d always been adrift, floating through life, watching the shore from afar. But Maggie was an anchor, holding me steady. I couldn’t float anymore — I didn’t want to. I wanted to be everything for her. I wanted to prove to her, to myself, that I meant what I said. I was ready for my life to begin. I only hoped she would be a part of it.
The door behind me opened, and I turned to find my dad smiling at me.
“Hey, Coop.”
I smiled. “Hey, Dad.”
“What’s going on? Dinner cancelled last week, haven’t heard from you. We’ve been worried.” He watched me as he stepped behind his desk and set down several leather portfolios and a small stack of papers.
“I’m … I’ll be all right.”
He took a seat. “So, you wanted to see me? My curiosity is piqued — not that I’m not glad to see you. It’s just rare to see you here.”
I took a seat of my own across from him and looked him in the eye. “I’m here to talk about my purpose.”
His face softened, and he nodded at me with understanding. “Ah. That. Well, when it hits you, it’s never subtle.”
I chuckled. “Or gentle.” I leaned forward. “I’d like to work for you, if it’s possible.”
“All things are possible. I’m glad you decided to intern here in college. The board will be pleased with that and your Columbia credentials. But I have to ask, why here? Are you sure this is what you really want out of life? The hours are long and stressful. It’s no easy job.”
“I know. But this is the only place that makes sense for me. I want to be a part of this, of what you’ve done here. I want to follow in your footsteps, in Grandpa’s. It’s a legacy. It’s my legacy.”
He looked proud and touched, though his jaw was firm, his brow flat. “I’ve been waiting to hear that for a long time, Coop. But I have to ask how certain you are. I can get you a position as a financial analyst, but you’ll need to do the work, put in the time just like anyone else, work your way up from the bottom. It’s not going to be glamourous.”
“I understand. You know, when I worked here that summer, I didn’t hate it. At all. It was like the numbers, the data, it was all a pattern, a puzzle. I could see it, make sense of it.”
He smiled. “I know the feeling. If you do with the opportunity what I think you’ll do, some day, this office will be yours, just like it was my father’s before me.”
“I’m certain. And I promise — I won’t let you down.”
He folded his hands on his desk. “I’m more concerned that you’ll let yourself down.”
“I’ve done enough of that. Now I’m ready.”
He smiled. “Well, in that case, when can you start?”
Maggie
Brooke and I stood at the counter of the ice cream parlor that afternoon, bent to eye the frozen goodness from behind the double-paned glass.
Her hair was piled in a caramel-colored knot on her head, held back by an elastic headband. She snickered and pointed at one. “You should get the Billionaire.” She read off the plate. “Sumptuous dark chocolate, laced with swirls of salted caramel and decadent fudge. Only for the self-indulgent.”
I rolled my eyes and groaned. “Goddammit, that sounds so good.”
“Then get it.”
“Well, now I can’t just on principle alone.”
She shook her head and stood. “You’re a mess.”
“Obviously.”
The teenager behind the counter smiled at us, a pretty girl with braces. “Did y’all decide?”
Brooke smiled back and leaned on the counter. “I’d like a scoop of Black Raspberry Chip in a waffle cone, please.”
The girl was already reaching for a cone. “Sounds good. And for you, miss?”
I wrinkled my nose. “A scoop of Billionaire, please.”
Brooke laughed. “Ha. I knew it.”
“Waffle cone?”
“Why not.” I sighed. “Waffle’s my middle name.”
Brooke snickered. She turned to me as the girl assembled our cones. “I can’t believe you finally talked to Jimmy.” She waved a hand. “No, what I can’t believe is that it took you so long.”
“I’ve been running away from months. I’ve got nowhere to go. If I’d dealt with him in the first place, none of this mess would have happened.”
The girl passed over Brooke’s cone, and she immediately stuck her face in it. She took a break from making out with it to say, “You weren’t ready.”
“I was never gonna be ready for that, Brooke.” She handed me mine. “Thanks.” I reached for my wallet.
“Nope, I got it.” Brooke whipped a twenty out of her back pocket faster than Doc Holliday.
“Jeez. Prepared, were you?”
She smiled at me and shrugged. “I had it all planned out. We’re on a date, Mags! I can’t let my girl buy her own ice cream.”
I laughed as we took seats at a small table next to the window.
She licked her ice cream and watched me. “Are you gonna eat that or just stare at it?”
I looked down at my Billionaire waffle cone. “I’m afraid it’ll taste good.”
“Isn’t that the point?”
I sighed. “I should have gotten another flavor.”
She gave me a flat look. “God, Maggie. Eat the damn ice cream I got for you.”
I made a face at her, licking it lewdly for show, but the second it hit my tongue, I groaned. “Oh, God. That’s fucking heaven in my mouth.”
“Oooh, how good is your Billionaire?”
“So good. I could lick my Billionaire all day.” I stuck my tongue out and licked with a seductive flare. You know, for emphasis.
She cackled, and a lady with a toddler gave her a look. “Does it taste as rich as it looks?”
“So rich and creamy. And so thick. I can barely get my mouth around my Billionaire.” I closed my lips over the top of the scoop.
“Oh, my God, Maggie.” She giggled.
I laughed.
She settled back in her seat, her green eyes bright. “How are you feelin’?”
I shrugged and turned the cone for a better angle. “I dunno. Better. You were right. I needed to see Jimmy and tell him I didn’t want him. Say it out loud, not just for him, but for me. I feel … free.”
“Think he’ll leave you alone?”
“I hope so. I really think he got it. I mean, I told him straight up I didn’t love him anymore. I don’t know how much clearer I could be. But even if he does come back around, I feel like I’ll be all right. I know I can tell him no. I know I don’t want him at all. He tried to kiss me, but he may as well have been trying to feed me snakes. There wasn’t a single part of me that wanted to kiss him at all.”
“Good, because if you’d kissed him I would have slapped you.”
“I don’t doubt that. But now I know, you know? And if he comes back around, I know how to handle him. I figured out my DEFCON protocol.”
“He’d better not come back around. He’s done enough damage for a lifetime.” She took a lick. “Figure out if you’re goin’ back to New York?”
“No.”
“Heard from Cooper Moore?”
I gave her a look.
She raised her eyebrows and ignored me, sticking out her tongue to run her ice cream over it.
“No, I haven’t heard from him.”
“You gonna call him?”
My stomach sank at the thought. At least I was filling it with ice cream. “I dunno, Brooke. What would I even say?”
“How about, ‘Hey, Cooper Moore, you decadent billionaire hottie, I superlove you and really want to see you and your peen soon.’”
I snickered. “It’s definitely direct.”
She shrugged. “I don’t know, Mags. Just tell him how you feel.”
“I said some horrible things to him. Cruel and horrible things. I don’t know if he even wants me anymore, not after the way I treated him. I fucked it up. He’s probably already got a new girl,
anyway. She’s probably a supermodel with mile long legs who can make up her mind and doesn’t treat him like shit.”
“He told you he’d be waiting. I doubt he bagged the idea in a week.”
My chest ached. “I’ve just been such an ass. Doesn’t matter that I didn’t mean to, you know?”
“I’d be more worried about the rest of it. I mean, he was begging you to believe him. To trust him.”
“But that’s the whole thing, Brooke. I did. I do. I said all that because I was hurt. Because I was afraid that it was true, you know? My head telling me not to listen to my heart. But now I know — that’s the difference between Cooper and Jimmy. Everything Cooper did was to prove to me that he was serious. That what I wanted or needed was more important than his feelings. Jimmy only cared about himself. Cooper only cared about me.”
She watched me for a moment. “You need to tell him that.”
I sighed. “I know. But I don’t want to fuck up again or hurt him anymore. I need to make sure I’m ready.”
“But that’s the thing about love. You’re not always certain. You’re not always ready. I mean, that’s what I’ve heard at least. I don’t have a billionaire myself.”
I chuckled and bit off a piece of my cone.
“Well,” she said as she tore the paper wrapper around her cone and angled it for a bite, “I think you should call him. You can’t hide forever.”
“Why not?”
She rolled her eyes and swallowed. “Because that’s weak as hell, and you’re better than that.”
“Am I? Because it seems to me that the only way I know to deal with real problems is to run away.”
“You faced Jimmy.”
“And Courtney too, that slag.”
“Fuck that bitch. I hope she gets vagina rot.”
“Gross, Brooke.”
She smiled. “Okay, treatable vagina rot. Better?”
I laughed and sighed, licking that ice cream like it was the last I’d ever have. It was seriously so good, it did things to my girly parts. “This ice cream really is like Cooper. Sexy and rich, so good that you’re sure you’ll never have anything as good. Like, if I came here every day and got ice cream, I’d probably always choose this one. Because why take a risk on Raspberry Chip when you can have Billionaire?”
She nodded. “Mine really isn’t all that great. I’m almost positive I don’t look like I’m having an orgasm every time I take a bite.”
I took another bite. “It really is so good.”
She extended her hand. “Gimme.”
I passed it over and she took a lick. Her face fell. “Motherfucker. I should have gotten some Billionaire too. God knows this as close as I’ll ever get to the real thing.” She took another bite.
“Hey.” I reached for it.
She swatted my hand away. “Greedy. Share.”
I giggled. “Get your own.”
She handed it back over with a sigh. “So if you had fifty flavors to choose from, you’d choose this one every time?”
I shifted in my seat, not wanting to answer. “Are we still talking about ice cream?”
She gave me a look.
“I can’t imagine picking anything but the Billionaire.”
“Well, then there you go. Pick the Billionaire. Get fat on all of his dark chocolatey goodness.”
I thought about calling him, and my heart bungee jumped into my shoes. “I’ve just got to be sure this time. I can’t play games with his heart.”
“You should have known from the start.” She sang it and made boy band hand gestures.
I snickered. “Seriously, though. I feel like my life’s a shirt that’s buttoned wrong. I’ve got to fix it before I go back to him. I turned into a monster and pushed him away. I just shut him down and ran.”
She gasped melodramatically. “Man, who knew you were such a coldhearted bitch.”
“I really am.”
She rolled her eyes. “Don’t be dumb. You got your heart smashed to bits and lit on fire and thrown off a cliff. So you acted like a dick. You didn’t do it on purpose. You didn’t even realize you were doing it until, like, yesterday. You screwed up, so just fix it.”
“I don’t know how to fix this, Brooke.”
“Well, I feel eating ice cream is step one. And then you need to grab hold of your ladynuts and call him.”
“I can’t reach my ovaries from here.”
She gave me a flat look. “Grab your metaphorical ovaries and call him, you wuss. What are you afraid of?”
“Everything.”
“Do you feel like it could be worse than what you’ve already been through?”
I thought about it, considered all I’d been through, everything I’d learned. “No.”
“Then stop thinking about it and just jump.”
“You make it sound so easy.” I smiled. “Can I just carry you around in my pocket to pump me up when I doubt myself?”
“Hell yeah, you can. I’ll be the best Polly Pocket in the world, especially if you pack me with booze.”
I laughed.
“Everybody knows I give my best advice when I’m drunk. And anyway, you already do carry me around in your pocket. You can always call me, whenever you need.”
“You should have been my maid of honor, you know.”
“Uh, obviously. I’ve been telling you that ever since always. I will forever stand by the notion that a pact you made with Courtney when you were nine doesn’t count.”
“I mean, to be fair, she was basically the worst maid of honor to ever walk the Earth, so the bar was pretty low.”
“Also true. But I still would have crushed it.” She took a bite of ice cream, and I just watched her, my heart full of gratitude.
“I love you, Brookie. Thank you. For everything.”
She reached for my hand, smiling. “You’re welcome, Mags. Now deep throat that Billionaire before I do.”
Cooper
“I don’t know what else to do but wait, Astrid.”
She nodded and picked up her wine. We hadn’t been on one of our regular dates in a week — I’d barely spoken to her or anyone else, for that matter.
It felt good to tell her everything, like a confession. The relief that comes with sharing your burden with someone else, someone who cares.
“You haven’t talked to her at all?”
“Not since I called her last week. I have to believe that she’ll come back to me. She needs to work herself out, if she can. So I told her I’d wait.”
“You’re not going to get in touch with her at all? Just sit here on your hands? That doesn’t sound like you.”
I smirked. “I have a plan. There are things I need her to know, so I overnighted her something this morning. If I don’t hear from her, I have a Plan B, C, D. I’ll give her time, but I won’t let her go.”
“This is crazy, Coop. You really love her. When did this really happen?” She picked up her fork and fished around on her plate.
“I think it’s been coming for weeks. But when we left everything in the city behind us, I saw the possibility. I saw what we could be, and I realized I want that. I want her, all of her — even the broken parts. Because I can put her back together.”
Astrid’s fork was still, her eyes wide. “Wow.”
“Yeah, I know.” I leaned back in my chair and took a sip of scotch. “There’s more.”
“More than your undying love?”
“I went to my dad’s office today and asked him for a job.”
She dropped her fork, and the people sitting next to us glanced over. Her mouth was hanging open.
“Oh, come on. That can’t be that big of a surprise.”
“Cooper Moore, model, playboy, one of New York’s most eligible bachelors—”
“That’s a national nomination, just so you know.”
She shook her head, gaping at me. “A job? At your father’s company? I mean … are you sick? Had a fever lately? Travel to any third world countries or low-end whorehouses or
anything?”
“Hilarious.”
“I just … I mean … I’m speechless. Really. I have literally nothing to say except that I have nothing to say.”
“I can’t explain it. I just want to be better. More. I’ve got a legacy, an opportunity. I’m over The Life. I’ve been watching everyone else grow up, West and Lily especially, and that’s what I want. I can give back to my father for everything he’s given to me. I can prove to myself and Maggie that I’m serious. My dad said it was about finding purpose, and I did. It’s her.”
She watched me for a moment. “All right. Then that’s that. I’ll talk to Sam. You’ll start your job on Wall Street. And we’ll wait and see what happens with Maggie.” She took a breath. “I hope you hear from her soon.”
“Me too.” The familiar ache twisted in my chest, but I smiled because I had something stronger than the hurt.
I had hope.
24
MEASURES
Maggie
“MAGS?” MY MOM CALLED UP the stairs, and I laid my book in my lap.
“Yeah, Mom?”
“There’s a package here for you.” I heard her climbing the stairs, and I got up just as she stepped into the doorway with curious eyes.
My brow quirked as I stood and made my way over to her and took the large envelope. The return address was from a PO Box in New York, the label printed rather than hand written.
I ripped it open curiously.
Inside was a proof copy of W Magazine in a plastic wrapper, but I couldn’t see the cover for Cooper’s letter. My heart beat so hard, I could barely hear as I took a seat on my bed and read his long, strong words that stretched across the page.
Maggie —
You’re all I’ve ever wanted. Come back to me.
I looked down at the magazine cover and could barely breathe.
Cooper hung off his sailboat with Manhattan behind him in the distance, looking right at the camera like he could see through it, into me. His smile was so bright, so lovely, the line of his arms, his hand wrapped around the rope. He was carefree and alive, and it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.