by Staci Hart
She caught me looking. “Rose brought dinner last night.”
I laughed. “Well, that explains a lot.”
Lily swiped one and flopped onto the couch. “It’s actually really convenient. I’ve been eating on that box all night. Day. Whatever it is now.” She took a huge bite. “Help yourself,” she said around her food.
I moved to grab one, but my rolling stomach pitched in warning. “I’m good.” I sat sideways on the couch, putting my back to the arm.
I must have looked rough because when Lily actually saw me, and her good humor faded into concern. “Is everything okay?”
I sighed, deep and heavy from the bottom of my lungs, but my lips were smiling, just the smallest curve. “I …” I realized then that I hadn’t said the words aloud. I’m pregnant, I thought, testing the words in my mind first.
Her concern bloomed to full-blown worry. She sat up, tossed the donut in the box, and dusted off her hands before turning to face me. “What happened?”
Now came the tears, unabated by my flashing lashes, teeming relentlessly. “I just … I didn’t know who else to talk to.”
She took my hands. “What’s wrong, honey?” she soothed. “Did something happen with Cooper?”
I shook my head. “No. Well, yes, but … I …” With a deep breath, I met her eyes. “My period was late.”
Her eyes widened, her cheeks flushing. “Did you … are you …”
I nodded.
Lily’s face burst open with elation. “Maggie! Oh my God, Maggie!” She launched herself at me, pulling me into a hug that had us both crying, smiling and crying and laughing. When she pulled back, she swiped at her cheeks. “This is amazing! Oh my gosh, I can’t … I don’t even know what to say! Have you told Coop? How are you feeling? How in the world did this happen?”
I laughed, feeling lighter than I had since I came to accept that fourth and final test. “Well, when a man and a woman really love each other—”
She rolled her eyes. “Mags—”
“I know.” Another sigh. “I think it was the Maldives. We flew for almost an entire day, and when we got to Sydney, we went straight to the hotel and slept for ten hours. Well, slept and … other stuff.”
“And you didn’t take your pills.”
“I didn’t even know what day or time it was or where on the planet we were. When I did the math, I thought I was just one day behind, but I must have been two.”
“Well, that’ll do it.” Her smile hadn’t quit. She shook her head at me in wonder. “What did Cooper say?”
My bottom lip found its way between my teeth. “I haven’t told him yet.” The admission was heavy with guilt. “I just … I don’t want to tell him over the phone, and I don’t want to scare him by asking him to come home. I thought … maybe I can tell him tonight, but I don’t know how.”
“Well, you could draw him a diagram or have a sign made, but I feel like talking to him would probably be the easiest way to let him know.”
I gave her a look.
“I know, I know. My sarcastic streak flares when I’m excitable and nervous.” Her eyes shifted to look at nothing in particular as she considered how to answer. “Well, West and I were trying, so it wasn’t a surprise. I mean, it was a surprise—I got pregnant fourteen seconds after quitting birth control—but we were on the same page, in the same place. Have you and Cooper talked about it?”
“Talked about what?” my brother asked sleepily as he walked into the room, shirtless.
My niece’s tiny bottom rested in the crook of his elbow, and her curled body lay tucked into his rolling, tattooed bicep. Her sweet little face rested against his broad chest. His hand was almost the size of her entire back.
Brother or not, anybody’s ovaries would have blown like Old Faithful at the sight. I turned into a pile of goop, seeing West with something so delicate and dear in his hands. Lily’s face was rapt as she followed them with her eyes, and I nudged her in the arm.
“Careful, you’re gonna get knocked up again just for looking.”
West shot her a smirk of affirmation. The baby mewled, shifting her head to root around his chest. “There’s only disappointment for you there, baby. Come on, here’s Mama,” he cooed as he passed her to Lily’s waiting arms.
Then it was West’s turn to watch his wife and baby with absolute adoration. Lily’s world shrank to the baby in her arms. She murmured to the baby in gentle, undulating tones as she unlatched her nursing tank top and latched the baby to her in a motion so smooth, I didn’t see a thing beyond a sliver of skin. And West watched on, his face just beaming and warm and handsome, like he was drinking in the sight, committing it to his memory as a flagstone of a time of wonder.
I tried to imagine Cooper looking at me like that, tried to imagine the two of us with a new baby, operating like a well-oiled machine a couple of weeks after our lives and priorities and wishes had been turned on their heads.
Triggered by a dozen contradicting emotions, an unbidden sob shuddered in my chest, bubbling up to catch in my throat.
Lily’s face held compassion and understanding, but my brother’s tightened in concern.
He turned the full power of his gaze on me, his brows knitting together and jaw hard. “What’s the matter, Mags?”
I shook my head. “I …”
Concern turned to anger. “What did Cooper do? I swear to God—”
“No,” I said, staying him with my hand. “No, he didn’t do anything wrong. I … I’m pregnant.”
He blinked, and I watched the cogs and wheels in his mind shift and click as he processed the information. “You’re … pregnant?”
I nodded, my chin quivering. I heard myself laugh, a puffing sound of surrender. “I haven’t told him yet. I came straight here.”
West’s face shifted again, this time lightening. “Oh, Mags. Coop’s gonna be thrilled, I promise. This weekend, he’s—”
“West,” Lily snapped, her eyes hard on him, “I need the baby’s burp cloth. The lavender one with the tiny blue flowers on it.”
“But there’s one right—”
“No, I need that one. I need it now. Right now. It’s in our room.”
“Lil, that’s—”
“I need that one!” Her voice was sharp—mom voice. She’d used mom voice on him.
It took everything I had not to laugh.
West sighed, standing. “Okay, okay. I’ll find it.”
I found myself smirking as I watched him leave the room, disappearing into their bedroom. “There isn’t a lavender burp cloth with tiny flowers on it, is there?”
“Nope. But you didn’t come over here to talk to your brother. You don’t need an audience, and you know he can’t be unbiased. Not when it comes to you.”
My eyes narrowed suspiciously. “What was he going to say about this weekend?”
“Just that this weekend would be the perfect time to tell him, that’s all,” she said.
I didn’t believe that was all there was to it. Not for a minute.
“Not tonight?”
“No, I definitely think you should wait. Figure out a cute way to break the news. Like a card or a sandwich board or an airplane banner or something.”
I laughed. “Subtle.”
“I mean, Cooper is kind of the king of the grand gesture.”
A sigh passed my lips. “No pressure, right?”
“Ugh, he’s gonna be so excited, Mags.”
The gamut of my feelings was shocking in its range, from elated to terrified and everything in between. “I just can’t even believe this. This wasn’t in the plan, not like this.”
“Well, what was the plan?”
I flushed, pulling the thread of anxiety. “To wait for years after we got married. To travel and be married and settle into life before we brought kids into it. What if the timing is all wrong? What if he’s disappointed? What if having a baby is too much? What if it pushes him away?”
Her face softened. “Oh, it won’t. You’re too good
together. Cooper loves you too much for it to be anything short of magic. I’m not saying it’s easy—West and I have snapped at each other more in the last two weeks, running on no sleep, than we have in all the years we’ve known each other. But I have never in my life been so happy. I’ve never been so … I don’t know. Connected to another person. We’ve become a team, constantly moving together toward the same goal.”
“But you’re married.”
“Is that what this is about?”
“This isn’t how this was supposed to be, Lil,” I said miserably. “All my life, I thought things would happen in a certain order. For years, I thought I’d marry Jimmy, have his babies, and live down the street from Mom and Dad. I had this whole life planned out. And when it ended, everything changed. The road I’d thought my life would take was bulldozed, ground up into gravel, and cleared away. But all of that led me to Cooper. It was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Cooper loves me in a thousand honest ways that Jimmy never did.” I sighed. “You’d think I’d be used to adapting by now. But I can’t help but feel like everything is out of order.” The admission stung, drawing fresh tears that rose and spilled down my cheeks.
“Maggie,” she started gently, “there’s no right or wrong way to do this. You love Cooper, and he loves you. It doesn’t matter if you’re married or not. That ring doesn’t change the truth of how you feel about each other.” She watched me for a second. “Your brother is a traditionalist, too. I figured it was a Southern thing.”
“I guess that’s true,” I conceded. “There’s something comforting about it, you know? The commitment of hearts and establishment of your relationship and feelings.”
“Under those rules, you’re already where you need to be. You two have established your feelings and relationship. You’re committed. I mean, you moved in with him after, like, a weekend.”
A laugh left me. “When you know, you know. You know?”
She smiled. “I do. He loves you, Maggie. And I promise everything is going to be okay. I’m not sure of much, but that’s one thing you can take to the bank.” She watched me for a beat. “So, this weekend. Let’s put our heads together and figure out how to tell him. When are you leaving?”
“He’s going into the office for a few hours in the morning, and after lunch, we’re heading to the harbor where the sailboat is docked.”
“How about Rose and I come over while he’s at work? I’ll bring crafts!”
The image of Lily wielding a hot-glue gun in my living room was amusing enough on its own to agree. “All right. And in the meantime, we can brainstorm. You’re right—I’ve got to figure out something brilliant. He’s the king of surprises. Like when he had the cast of Hamilton waiting outside my work to sing to me on my birthday.”
“God, you are the luckiest girl in the world, you know that?” she said on a laugh. “I would probably have a heart attack if West gave me a necklace with pearls he’d dived for himself.”
“No pressure, right?” I shook my head with my heart swollen. “We’ve got our work cut out for us. I’ll never be able to think of anything clever enough.”
“Don’t you worry about that. We’ll come up with something. The three of us together have to at least be half as clever as Cooper.”
West walked into the room with three burp cloths in his hand and a frown on his face. “I found a lavender one with yellow bunnies, a blue one with blue flowers, and a purple one with polka dots, but I couldn’t find the one you wanted. Are you sure it’s not in the laundry?”
He’d come close enough for her to snatch one without looking. “This one’s fine,” she chirped. “Thanks, honey.”
West smiled like he’d brought home a sixteen-point buck and kissed the top of her head. “Baby’s okay?” he asked, peering into his daughter’s face.
“Baby’s happy,” Lily said with a smile.
“Are you two ever gonna start callin’ her by her name?” I asked, laughing.
“Hazel just sounds so … formal and grown-up,” Lily answered, making a face. “I mean, she’s definitely a Hazel, but I need a name more familiar than that. It’s just that one doesn’t exist. So, we call her baby. Baby Hazel.”
I watched the three of them, the sight tugging and squeezing my heart until tears sprang again. I wiped them from my cheeks, laughing. “God, why can’t I stop crying?”
“Hormones,” Lily answered.
West chuckled. “I once walked in on Lily crying over a Snuggle commercial.”
Her face went soft, her eyes shining. “The one with the little boy at camp who misses his mom, so he smells his laundry, and it makes him think of her. I can’t! That stupid bear gets me all choked up!”
“It’s the only fabric softener she’ll let me buy. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen her staring at the label like it’s a memory of her childhood.”
We all laughed, and all I could think was that I wanted this. And I knew Cooper wanted it, too. All I had left to do was figure out how to tell him.
6
Sucker Punch
Maggie
The summer sun was high and hot, warming the top of my head and the crest of my shoulders as I walked toward Central Park.
How strange that my life could change so swiftly within a few hours.
I’d marveled over the phenomena before, but the shock of something so extreme, something so unexpected, had swept me off my feet. I felt myself being pulled down the river, too fast to fight.
I wondered if Cooper would feel the same. Would he worry, or would he draw me into his arms and celebrate? A jolt of fear spiked through me, gone just as quickly as it had appeared. He loved me. He wanted children. And I told myself to stop guessing how he would react before I drove myself crazy.
Too late, I thought.
A sign hanging on a storefront just ahead of me caught my eye. Sweet Thing, it read over an illustration of a bundled-up baby. My pulse thumped a little harder as I approached the window. The display was an elaborate creamy nursery, soft and decadent, touched with little items—a rattle, a stack of cloth diapers, a spinning mobile—that invoked a deep longing, an instinctive desire, one that drew me through the doors before I realized I’d done it.
The bell chimed pleasantly as the door closed behind me, sealing off the heat of the day in favor of the cool shop. Over the speakers, a slow, tinkling song played, one that I realized after a second was a Radiohead song.
I was struck with a wave of emotion as I wandered around displays of tiny clothes and stacks of luscious blankets. It even smelled like a baby, an amalgamation of scents—clean, crisp linens, baby powder, lavender. My hand reached out, aching for the texture of mink and chenille, muslin and agora knits. My knuckles were buried in the folds of a blanket when my eyes found the display in the center of the table.
Cream and gold boxes were stacked in a tower, biggest to smallest, and on top of the tower was a tiny pair of booties. They were made of the softest suede, lined with fine fur, sitting dutifully under a sign that said, The most precious things are made from love.
My breath came in shallow sips as I reached for them with tingling fingers, my nose stinging from tears—more tears, so many that I wondered if I’d ever stop crying. They were so small, so terrifyingly small. In me was a baby that would grow, hidden away, and it would have tiny feet to fit these tiny shoes. The delicateness of something so small seized my heart, squeezed it tight with fear.
I’ll break it, I thought. How could I ever care for something so fragile?
And something split my heart open, and love poured out.
He’ll be so fragile, I thought, somehow sure that it would be a little boy with Cooper’s smile and my golden hair. He’ll be so small, I marveled. He’ll fit in Cooper’s hand, just like Hazel fits in West’s. And I’ll love him, every tiny finger, every tiny toe.
My split heart sang as tears slipped from my lashes and down my cheeks. I brushed them away and clutched the tiny shoes to my chest, turning to
the store with a new purpose, a new ambition. Before I knew it, my arms were full.
The woman behind the counter looked up from the inventory, tag puncher in hand. “Oh, let me get that for you. Do you need a basket?”
I laughed. “That’d get me in even worse trouble.” I dumped my haul as gently as I could onto the counter in front of her.
She began sorting through the pile, organizing things by their type in neat little stacks. The register beeped when she scanned the first item. “Is this a gift?”
My cheeks warmed. “No.”
She offered a smile. “Congratulations. When did you find out?”
“This morning.” I paused, feeling foolish as I assessed all the baby things I wouldn’t need until winter. The thought of the cold made me wish I’d grabbed a tiny bunting, too. “I probably shouldn’t have gotten so much. But I saw those tiny shoes, and … well, I just had to get it all. Is that strange?”
She laughed. “Not at all. In fact, new recruits are always my best customers.”
“I haven’t told him yet,” I blurted. “My sister-in-law lives just down the street, and I came here first. I couldn’t tell him over the phone, you know? And now I think I might have to wait until tomorrow. Of course, if he finds this bag, he might figure it out. I could probably say it was for Lily though.” I didn’t even think I was talking to her anymore, not as much as I was to myself. “I’m sorry. I’m sure you don’t care.”
“Oh, it’s all right. I didn’t tell my husband for a week when I found out about our first. He still gives me hell for it.”
“I’m telling him this weekend. I think. I’ve just got to come up with a way to tell him.”
“You might want to hide your bags then,” she joked. “Unless you want me to gift wrap them for him.”
A laugh bubbled out of me at the vision of Cooper opening all this baby stuff and subsequently falling out of his chair. “He might have a coronary. Of course, he might have a coronary anyway.”