I obliged my mother by standing on the front steps of the school and letting her take embarrassing pictures of me. At least it couldn’t lower my standings in the hierarchy since I had reached close to $5000 in my pay off to Zack, according to the gossip before I left school on Friday.
Megan had arrived a few minutes before me, as planned. She was going to run to Phil’s car crying and tell me that she needed to talk to me right away so that I could escape from the car as quickly as possible. We both agreed that tears and men didn’t mix, so it was an easy way of getting into the dance fast. She had noticed some time ago that it took a long time for me to get out of the car once I arrived at her house. The tears plan was used in extreme emergencies, such as a date with a boy. Thankfully, she noticed that my mom’s car had pulled into the parking lot before she had starting thinking about her beloved poodle, Mipsey, and wasn’t crying yet.
My mother released us after she snapped a few shots with Kris, who was dressed like a farm girl in overalls and painted on freckles. Megan’s poncho and oversized sombrero from her report on Mexico completed the strange photo perfectly.
“I can’t believe you managed to leave the house dressed like that. I’m so proud of you,” Megan said, in awe of my outfit.
“You look really nice, Alicia,” Kris nodded as she straightened my unruly streamers.
“Thanks guys,” I said, blushing.
The world fell away when I saw Zack standing in the lobby by the ticket table. He was dressed in a gangster outfit, complete with a black pinstriped suit (which was really satin pajamas) and a black felt fedora with a white stripe around it. I had only mentioned the flapper costume once, but somehow he had found a matching costume, despite not agreeing to it collectively.
His eyes were sparkling until he looked at my dress. He blinked a few times as if the gold streamers were blinding him. The smile that followed made my knees weak. I no longer wanted the zombie apocalypse. Instead, I wished this was a speak easy and I was his girl.
Screw Heather if she tried to ruin my night. I would punch her in the face. Screw the boys who were making fun of me. They could stand on the sidelines during the slow dances, while I openly mocked them with my eyes. Screw anyone and everyone who stood between Zack and me. Tonight, I wasn’t taking any prisoners.
“Hi,” Zack said, approaching my group.
“Hi,” I said, biting my lip to keep from giggling like a lunatic.
Megan and Kris may have spoken, but I didn’t hear anything other than the sound of my own heart thumping like a base drum.
He held out his hand and winked. I placed my hand in his and he guided me toward the ticket table. After handing in our tickets, we walked into the dimly lit gym and looked around. Megan was going on about the decorations being lame, but I ignored her. I didn’t want to forget this moment. Though I had been to school dances before, I had never been escorted on the arm of a guy. I didn’t care that the skeletons were made out of cardboard or that two of the teachers looked drunk, I only thought about dancing with Zack.
A few of his friends came up to us and said hello to him, though they mostly stared at my dress. They had never seen me look girly before. I felt uncomfortable, which Zack seemed to notice. He stepped in front of me and chatted with his friends to shield me, while talking about whatever guys talked about. When he was done, he pulled me away toward an empty wall against the far end of the gym.
“I would tell you that you look amazing, but I have a feeling you already know. I can tell that you don’t like guys staring at you, so how about I just look into your eyes tonight?” he shouted above the Information Society song, “What’s on Your Mind (Pure Energy)”.
I played with my fingernail and shrugged. “My mom went overboard on the hair and makeup. The rest of this nightmare outfit is my fault,” I huffed.
He lightly touched my chin and lifted my face up so that I had to look at him. “I promise to keep you away from my stupid friends and if they say anything inappropriate, I’ll flush their head’s in the toilet,” he smirked playfully.
I laughed at his plan and nodded. “Okay.”
He looked over his shoulder at the dance floor where a large group of people were arriving and heading out to dance.
He glanced back at me and appeared embarrassed. “I should have warned you that I have no idea how to dance. Your black heels should be safe tonight since I’m light on my feet from running drills, but we may look completely ridiculous out there,” he said, pulling a piece of the fluffy feather from my hair that had gotten loose.
“We can stand still for all I care,” I said honestly.
“I think I can handle that,” he chuckled.
He held out his hand to me and we ventured into the middle of the fray as a slow Whitney Houston song came on.
I looked around at the small group of couples who were swaying along to the music, holding their partners. Some of them had already been dating, while others were new to this dancing thing like we were. My insecurities took over and I wanted to run from the gym. I could see the surprised looks from some of the students along the edges when they saw Zack and me standing awkwardly in front of each other.
The only angry look I received was from Heather, who had her arms folded. I found it interesting that she was standing with her friends, without a date. A small sense of pride rose up inside of me, and I threw my arms around Zack’s neck and forgot that Heather existed as I looked up into his perfect blue eyes.
He put his arms around my back and pulled me closer than I expected. My shoe caught on the veneer of the floor and I stumbled. I fell against his hard chest and gulped. I felt him laugh when he realized what had happened, but instead of allowing me to retreat to a safer distance, he tightened his arms around me.
Pressed up against his chest, I started to panic a little. I had never been this close to a person that I liked before so I wasn’t sure how to react. My skin was warm and my heart sped up. I told myself that it was okay. I liked Zack. Zack wasn’t going to hurt me. When I noticed that my hands were shaking, I wanted to curse and swear at my screwed up life. I had trained myself not to think about what was happening to my body when I was with Phil. I had learned to phase out; otherwise, I would’ve had a nervous breakdown. After all my efforts to ignore another person’s body were completely contrary to what I wanted to feel when being with someone that I liked.
I felt my chest tighten and had to pull away from Zack. “I’m sorry, I need a minute,” I shouted above the music as he leaned down to hear me.
He nodded his head, though I didn’t give him much of a choice. I ducked around the couples and squeezed through the narrow spaces between the gaggles of students standing in the entrance. When I finally reached the bathroom, the walls were closing in and I felt faint.
Slamming the door to the stall, I leaned against the wall and bent over. I had to get to control. I felt the tears burning the corners of my eyes, but I tried really hard not to let them out. My makeup would be halfway down my face and everyone would know what a freak I was.
I slowed my breathing and tried to make the world and my hands stop shaking. How did I think I could handle this? I was broken. I was well aware of this. Why did I think I could overcome all the damage done to me in one night? I didn’t know if I had the nerve to go back into the gym and face Zack. I could only imagine what he thought of me. I couldn’t stand the thought of him walking over to Heather and asking her to dance because I had made a fool of myself.
I pressed my hands to my cheeks and breathed through my nose. I could do this. If I focused really hard, I could do this. I wanted to do this. I couldn’t have Zack believing that I was a head case. The excitement in his eyes made me want to go back out there and try again, but my fear was incredibly strong.
I feared that I could never be a normal girl, a girl who could put her head against the chest of the guy she liked and enjoy the moment. If I didn’t go back out there, then Phil would win. He would have found a way to control me without
being near me. That sick thought alone pushed back my fear. My anxiety was still on the verge of making me lose my mind, but my fear was under my control.
Gulping down more oxygen, the black spots began to disappear. I wiped away the moisture that had escaped from the corners of my eyes, careful not to smudge anything. I put my head against the cool metal wall and took a deep breath. It was just a dance. All I had to do was accept that I was with someone I cared about, not the monster that stalked me. I could do this.
With most of my emotions in check, I opened the stall door and waited for an available sink. I hadn’t noticed all the chattering from the group of girls pretending to check their makeup in the mirror. They were either hiding because they didn’t have dates or gossiping about each other. I rolled my eyes at their theatrics. Here I was trying to figure out if I could ever be physically close to another human being, while they were complaining that the music was too loud or that the costume of someone in particular was hideous.
I shook my head and ignored them.
Kris appeared to my right and touched my arm. “Are you okay?” she asked, looking at my face.
I nodded, but it didn’t appease her.
“You look pale. Here, I’ll help you wet your face so that your makeup doesn’t get all over,” she said quietly. She reached around me and grabbed a few of the brown paper towels from the holder on the wall. She continued to nudge Lisa Kelly out of the way and get the non-absorbent sand paper moderately wet. Ringing out the clump of towels, she carefully pressed them to my forehead and cheeks.
I sighed at the coolness and closed my eyes. “Thank you.”
“Zack is waiting outside. He was worried, so he asked me to check on you. I’m sorry, I should have noticed you leaving, but Megan was complaining about Todd bailing on her. He was supposed to be her date, but he backed out at the last second,” she explained apologetically.
I chuckled at her concern. “You don’t have to keep an eye on me, Kris,” I said, smiling.
She shrugged. “I’m your friend. It’s my job to watch over you,” she said softly.
Tears threatened to overwhelm me at her kind words. It was silly to fall apart over an act of friendship, but it meant more to me than she knew.
“I freaked out,” I shrugged.
She nodded as she wet a new set of towels and glared at Elizabeth, who didn’t want to move away from the sink.
“What wrong with her?” Elizabeth sneered, indifferent to my plight.
“She’s overheated from dancing around and having fun. You would know that if you weren’t hiding from John in the bathroom,” Kris said, raising her eyebrow at Elizabeth.
I nearly burst out laughing at Kris’ keen observation and her defense of me.
Elizabeth huffed at us and stormed out of the bathroom.
Feeling more like myself, I took the towels from Kris and dabbed my neck. “I think I’m okay,” I said, patting her arm.
“You’re less pale now. I think you’ll survive,” she said, giving me the thumbs up.
I followed her out of the bathroom past the rocker chix, whose short skirts made mine look like a ball gown. Kris rolled her eyes when we got to the hallway.
“You’ll notice that they changed into those dresses after they got here. I think Missy was wearing a Winnie the Pooh shirt and mask when her mom dropped her off. I would love to see her mother’s reaction to the black mesh dress she has on right now. She’s the head of the PTA, as you know,” Kris snorted.
I nodded in agreement, happy to focus on something else.
Looking further up the hallway, I saw Zack leaning against the extra gym lockers talking to someone. My heart sank when I recognized the Cabbage Patch Doll costume. It was Heather.
Unable to think clearly, my turbulent mind shut down as one of my primary fears took over. Heather had taken advantage of my panic attack and swooped in to ask Zack to dance. Based on his expression, he seemed annoyed.
Walking straight up to them, I stared at Heather’s profile and put my hand on my hip. I waited for her to acknowledge me, but she intentionally took her time.
“I was asking Zack to dance since you were taking forever in the bathroom,” Heather said as if she was doing him a favor. She clearly couldn’t tell that she made Zack uncomfortable.
The rage that caused me to kick things and throw things, the rage I felt when my life was completely out of my control chose Heather as my target. Without thinking, I grabbed her shoulders and pushed her against the lockers.
“What is wrong with you? Do you have to win so badly that you would go to any length to ruin someone else? I know you started the ridiculous rumor that I paid Zack and I know what you’ve said behind my back. God forbid that someone doesn’t like you; all you can think about is how to force them to like you. Instead, you should be trying to figure out why they don’t like you. You’re clingy, manipulative, and obtuse. Get over yourself. You have no idea how lucky you are. You have no idea how easy you have things. You get to do what you want, say what you want, and live in the real world. This is the only time I get with him without having to look over my shoulder, without fearing the repercussions of my actions. I don’t get to be free. I don’t expect you to understand that, but know that I won’t let you harass him anymore,” I yelled, holding her against the locker.
Her eyes were wide and her bottom lip was trembling. I could see the surprise on her face, and hear her stunned gasps. She saw the anger in my eyes and she was afraid of me. I hated myself for doing this, but I’d taken enough crap from her and people like her.
Zack was carefully pulling my shoulder so that I would let Heather go. “Alicia, it’s not worth it,” he said softly, breaking through my blind hatred.
I lifted my hands up in the air and released her shoulders. I slowly backed away and looked around. Thankfully, only Kris and Megan, who had found us, had witnessed my psychotic breakdown.
Heather quickly ducked under my arm without a word and ran toward the blocked off staircase at the other end of the hallway.
Zack turned me around and put his hands on my face. “It’s okay, breathe,” he whispered.
Megan and Kris looked at each other and awkwardly mulled around.
“I hate her,” I said, looking down at the ground.
He shook his head. “You don’t hate her. You envy what she has. Like you said, she’s free to do whatever she wants without repercussion. Apparently, she’s taken it a step too far and believes she can have whatever she wants. She can’t have me,” he said emphatically. “I’m with you.”
I blinked a few times as I processed his statement. He was with me. He was safely out of Heather’s reach.
I was both excited and saddened by his response. I wanted him, more than anything, but I wasn’t free to make that choice.
Letting out a long breath, I nodded at him, accepting his declaration.
He let go of my face and gave me some room to move. I turned to Megan and Kris and smiled at them. “Crazy Alicia is gone for the night. I promise,” I said half-jokingly.
Megan hugged me and Kris patted my arm.
“You’re PMSing, aren’t you? We need to get you chips and chocolate right away,” Megan said shaking her head sympathetically.
I laughed at her simple assessment of the situation and agreed with her. I let her lead me to the snack table as Zack trailed behind us.
The three of us made small talk, ignoring my fight with Heather, as Jill ran toward us.
“I just got to dance with Mike Higgins!” Jill yelled, bouncing up and down.
Megan grabbed her arms and began to question her as to how the captain of the basketball team had asked her to dance.
I quietly celebrated with them, until Zack tapped my elbow and motioned for me to walk with him. When we were out of earshot, he smiled at me. “Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked.
I nodded. “I’m sorry about what happened. I shouldn’t have done that to Heather,” I said, apologizing for my weirdness.
“I’m with you too,” I replied quickly.
The smile that spread across his face warmed my heart.
“I’m happy that you are with me, but I wasn’t asking if you were okay about what happened with Heather. I was asking if you were okay from our dance. I feel like a jerk. I felt how stiff your back was and I could feel you shaking. It took me longer to realize what was happening than it should have. You shut down. I know that feeling. It was too much, too fast, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have held you so close. I don’t know what he’s done to you, but I can guess. I shouldn’t have pushed you,” he said, looking around to make sure that we weren’t overheard.
My heart sank again when I understood his concern. He had seen the cracks in my perfectly crafted façade. “I swear, it’s not you. I want to be here in the moment, but I’m screwed up. I thought I could handle it, but I freaked out. It’s not your fault. I’m the one who overreacted. I have a hard time accepting that it’s okay to be physically close to someone,” I said, biting my nail. I wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out. I hating admitting my faults and weaknesses.
He tilted my chin up toward him. “I never want to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. You have your triggers, just like I do, you just seem better at navigating through my hang ups. I have to learn what bothers you. I want to know where the boundaries are so that I don’t upset you again. I would give anything to help you out of this mess, but we’re both stuck. The best I can do is make things a little easier for you, just as you’ve done for me. Help me do that for you,” he said, staring into my eyes. The sincerity and openness of his words stunned me. I wanted to tell him that I appreciated everything he’d just said, but the words failed me.
We Were Ghosts--The Secret Life of a Survivor Page 10