On the last night of my video camera mission, I stared over at its hiding place in my room, hoping that it wouldn’t be seen. I spent a long time figuring out exactly where to place it and how to keep it from being found. I destroyed one of my books so that I could place it on my bookshelf behind the cover. I blew out a long breath and prepared myself for the complete and utter humiliation that I was subjecting myself to. If this tape were ever to be seen, it would be worse for me than Zack. I would be seen in a compromising position with someone I hated. I would either be pitied or labeled a whore. I didn’t like the option, but I had to do this. I needed proof.
When Phil walked into my room that night, he was in a rush. My mother had gone to bed later than usual, which made him flustered.
I sat on the edge of my bed, trying not to act weirder than usual; otherwise, he would be suspicious.
“I’m not sure if your mother is asleep yet, but I can’t wait any longer,” he hissed, annoyed that his schedule was off.
I didn’t respond, which was typical.
When he ran his hand through my hair, I bit my lip and pulled my head away from him. He knew I hated my hair being touched, so he did it on purpose.
“You look very pretty tonight,” he sighed, finally calming down.
He began to undress as I tried not to look at the video camera. I stared straight ahead and tried to forget that I was being recorded. I needed to act “normally”.
“You’re always in such a bad mood. I don’t know what’s wrong with you. You should be enjoying this,” he stated, oblivious to my plight.
I wanted to scream at him and tell him exactly why I was always in a bad mood. I wanted to tell him how much I hated him and wished he would die, but it wouldn’t do anything other than start a fight. I would ultimately have to end the fight by saying that I belonged to him and that I was sorry for fighting.
Instead, I swallowing my anger and pride. My vacant gaze landed on my faux book as my mind left my body and I prayed that my plan worked.
When Phil left my room for the night, I broke down into tears, just as I did every night. For the first time, I looked at the camera lens and let whomever might see this tape understand just how much I hated him and what he did to me.
“No matter what he says, no matter what he does to me, I hate it and I hate him,” I said coldly to the camera, hoping that someone would finally believe the truth.
I carefully turned off the recorder, took the tape out, and placed it next to the tape I recorded for Zack. Together, they were tucked away under the carpet at the back my closet. I put the camera into my backpack and thought about the next phase of my plan.
The following day, I relinquished control of the video recorder to Megan, and prepared for dinner with my Aunt Sarah and Uncle Joe to celebrate his new job at his favorite restaurant.
I didn’t see my uncles very much, except for holidays, but I liked all of them. Uncle Joe was the only one who lived close enough to be able to see during special occasions. He and my mom got along really well and he always treated me as if I was his daughter since he didn’t have any kids.
When Sarah and Joe got together, everyone was so busy laughing and having fun that we always lost track of time. While Sarah was infectiously happy, Joe was the life of the party. His wild personality reminded me of a Tasmanian devil spinning out of control. I missed him when he wasn’t able to visit. He too disapproved of Phil, so he didn’t visit the house unless Phil was away.
“So, I kept calling out these numbers...46 to the left...14 to the right...54 to the left, during the entire class. Finally just as class was ending I shouted...and 17 to the left will unlock Mary Jo’s bra!” he shouted. “She was so mortified that she ran from the room in tears. God, I was evil as a teenager. I hope the gene skipped a generation, Alicia, and that you didn’t inherit our evil side.” He laughed so hard he nearly spilled his wine.
“No, Alicia is a good kid!” Sarah yelled, smacking Joe on the arm. “She would have never put me in a shopping cart in the grocery store parking lot and pushed me into the telephone poles.” She rolled her eyes at one of the many horrible things her siblings had done to her over the years.
“It’s better than throwing away your blankies and telling you that the vacuum cleaner ate them,” he snickered.
My mother’s hand hit the table as she laughed. “You cried so hard, mom had to open the vacuum to prove to you that it wasn’t stuck inside.”
Sarah turned beet red and crossed her arms. “You guys were so mean to me,” she pouted.
I had to hold my sides because they hurt so much from laughing. I appreciated the fun night away from my stressful week. Watching my aunt and uncle settle down, I had to find the right moment to talk to them.
When my mother left to go to the bathroom, I leaned forward to get their attention. I handed them each a small white box wrapped with twine. I knew they wouldn’t accept them blindly without a good reason, so I launched into my cover story.
“Don’t tell my mother, but I have a boyfriend. If she finds out, she’ll tell Phil and he will send me to a nunnery,” I said jokingly. “I need you guys to keep these safe for me. I swear there’s nothing bad in them. One box has all the notes he wrote to me during class. The other has two pictures that my friend took at school. I need you to keep them safe until I find a way to tell mom about this guy. I really like him and I’m afraid that Phil will make me throw this stuff out.” It was the best excuse I could come up with that wouldn’t raise suspicion.
“Honey, of course I’ll keep it. Are you really at the ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ status?” Sarah asked, grinning with excitement.
I nodded and lied about my relationship status as Joe put his hands on his cheeks and made a silly face. “You are growing up so fast. What am I going to do with you? Of course I’ll hold on to this for you. Phil is the weirdest individual I have ever met. I have told your mother time and again to move on from him. I could see him giving you a hard time. Your secret is safe with me, darling,” he winked.
They thankfully hid the boxes when my mother returned to the booth and acted a little too innocently. My mother asked what was going on, but Joe waved his hand as if he had no idea what she was talking about.
I breathed a sigh of relief and prayed for the strength to complete the next part of the plan. It was time to let Zack know what I was doing.
Chapter 14
“I’m getting my license tomorrow, or at least I hope I am. Tomorrow is my birthday,” Zack announced during lunch.
I nearly choked on my sandwich when I heard him. “Are you serious? Why didn’t you tell me it was your birthday?” I asked, annoyed that he hadn’t mentioned it before. I immediately began to figure out how to get him a present before tomorrow without telling my mom why I needed a present unexpectedly.
Megan and Jill smiled and laughed, excited that he would be driving soon.
“I didn’t want anyone to make a big deal about it. I didn’t want my locker decorated or anything crazy. I’m just excited that I finally get to drive,” he smiled. He squeezed my hand and winked at me.
Kris put down her soda and turned to look at him. “Isn’t it a little late in the year for your birthday? What I mean is, shouldn’t you be a senior if you are turning 17? The cutoff for birthdays is usually September. I know because they had to decide if I should start kindergarten or wait until I was a year older,” she said, doing the math in her head.
He shrugged. “I was held back in the third grade, so yeah; I’m supposed to be a senior,” he replied.
The blush on his cheeks made me cringe. I was annoyed because I felt that his father might have been responsible for him being held back a year. I wanted to punch his father until I realized that it might’ve had nothing to do with him. Maybe Zack was just a bad speller at that age.
Megan high-fived him and giggled. “I can’t wait to finally drive. Did you pass your written test yet?” she asked, popping a grape into her mouth.
He nodde
d. “I took driver’s education last year in my old school and then I took the written test right before we moved. I just have to pass the driving course. My mom is taking me to the DMV before school tomorrow,” he said excitedly.
I bumped his shoulder lightly and smiled at him. “I’m sure you’ll pass,” I said confidently.
He kissed the side of my head quickly so that no one else would notice. “My mom has taken me out a few times in her car. She said that if I pass, they are going to get me a really beat up old car,” he laughed. “I’m just happy to be able to drive to the store or the movies by myself.”
I could see how happy he was to gain a little more freedom from his insane life. I was excited for him, though my stomach was in knots. I was afraid of how he would react to what I needed to tell him.
When we stood up at the sound of the bell, I tugged on his shirt. The creases had long faded from his pale-blue-collared shirt.
“I need to talk to you tonight. Meet me in the woods, okay?” I asked hesitantly. I was hoping that he would tell me that he had plans and that he couldn’t meet me so that I could stall for one more night.
“Sure. I need to talk to you too,” he winked.
I paced through the dim woods, shivering in the chilly air. The moon was out tonight and I could hear the stream babbling loudly after the recent rainstorm. I wanted to run home and undo everything I had done. What made me think that I could ruin both of our lives like this? Why had I snuck around behind Zack’s back and videotaped his pissed-off father without asking Zack for permission? I was selfish and stupid. My uncle’s words haunted me. “I hope that the evil gene skipped a generation.” I was being evil to Zack by keeping him in the dark. I was afraid of what he would say or do. I was more afraid of what would happen if someone saw his tape.
Part of me wanted my tape to be seen. I wanted to expose Phil, but the rest of me feared my mom’s reaction. I didn’t know what she would do if faced with the truth, unable to ignore it.
Sitting down on my log, I realized that I had no idea what I would do if my secret got out. I had no clue what I would say or how I would defend myself. My mother would never look at me again and Phil might very well try to kill me.
Tears rolled down my face at my stupidity. I had never been so afraid in all my life, not even the first night that Phil had touched me. Regret filled my chest and I couldn’t breathe. My jaw felt like it was locking up again and I felt my neck tingle. Oh God, I couldn’t go through one of those episodes again, not alone. I was so afraid of what would happen if I couldn’t get it under control.
“You’re here,” I heard Zack say, though I was so fixated on my attack that I hadn’t heard him walking through the woods. I turned and saw his beautiful face in the light of the rising moon. I wanted to remember the relieved expression on his face, until I saw that there was a small bruise under his left eye.
“Please don’t tell me that you were hit in the eye during football practice,” I said more harshly than intended. My panic immediately shifted gears until it became unbridled rage.
He hung his head and sighed. “He preemptively warned me about crashing my car if I get my license tomorrow. Apparently, I’m too stupid not to get into an accident and he wanted to give me a taste of what will happen when I crash the car,” he said, his voice thick with humiliation.
I shook my head and wanted to kick something. “That’s crap. You’re responsible and smart and he’s too stupid to see that,” I said, grabbing my hair and tugging on it in frustration.
Zack touched my hand and pried my fingers open so that I was forced to release my hair. “I don’t want you hurting yourself,” he said softly. He intertwined his fingers with mine and squeezed my hand.
“I’m just so angry. It shouldn’t be like this,” I said, wishing I could shout it from the rooftops.
“I’m angry too, but I’ve learned that I can’t fight back. It just makes things worse,” he said, trying to make me understand his dilemma.
I nodded. I debated if I should bring up the tapes the night before his driver’s test. I didn’t want him distracted and failing. This was the one bright moment in his life right now and I didn’t want to screw it up for him.
“I wanted to ask you something,” he said, tugging on my arm so that I would look at him.
“I’m sorry. We don’t have to talk about your father right now. Please, tell me what you wanted to say,” I said, thankful for the subject change since I was chickening out of my prepared speech.
He looked down at me and smiled. “You look amazing in this light. Not that you don’t normally look amazing, but there’s something about the moonlight on your cheeks that’s scrambling my brain,” he said, lightly touching my face with his fingertips.
I forgot about all of my problems when he touched me. I relaxed into his hand and wished that we didn’t have to hide how we felt about each other.
“Is that why you dragged me out into the freezing night? You wanted to see my face in the moonlight?” I asked playfully.
He chuckled. “I wanted to ask you if you would be my girlfriend. I know that we haven’t been on an official date and that you aren’t exactly allowed to date, but I think kissing you in the woods and going with you to the dance should at least count toward some kind of relationship status,” he said hesitantly.
I smiled at the title of girlfriend as my heart sputtered a few times. My panic attack had completely receded and I was free to gaze into his sparkling blue eyes and pretend to be normal.
I was about to say, “yes, yes for the love of all that is holy, yes I will be your girlfriend,” but I couldn’t. I couldn’t say it until he knew what I had done.
“You may not want me to be your girlfriend once you know what I did,” I replied as bile rose up inside my chest.
He frowned. “Did you secretly start dating someone else in school that I don’t know about? Do you suddenly like girls?” he asked jokingly.
“I did something stupid, though I did it for the right reason. You will probably hate me, since I hate myself, but you need to know,” I said bluntly.
He still had my hand in his, but his shoulders stiffened as he prepared himself for what I was going to say. “What happened?” he whispered.
I bit my lip and my closed my eyes. I didn’t want to see the look of disappointment or anger on his face. “I videotaped your father’s attacks for the past week. I needed proof of what was happening to you. I also secretly videotaped Phil and what he does to me. I gave the tapes to people who I trust to hold them. They don’t know what’s on the tapes, but they promised to keep them safe. I need them as leverage to make the nightmares end. Seeing your face tonight just proves that you need to get away from your father.
The other day, you asked me what was wrong, the day I tried to walk away from you. He trapped me in the car and threatened to throw me out of the house because he was afraid that I had told my aunt about him. He also accused me of asking my aunt to take me to my supposed boyfriend’s house to have sex with him. As I said before, he’s crazy.
He threw my travel bag into the car and said that he was taking me to the bus station. He was swerving and driving like a lunatic. He said that I wasn’t allowed to see my friends anymore and that I wasn’t allowed to participate in any after school activities. Then he said that I wasn’t allowed to leave the state to go to college. He cornered me from every direction and he took away my hope. After that, I had some kind of reaction. I think it was a panic attack or something equally bad. I couldn’t breathe, I could only scream and cry. He freaked out so badly that he started to backpedal. Thankfully, the episode ended and I could breathe again. My mother almost called the cops on him for taking me away, but he calmed her down. That’s why I told you that I’d had enough. He’s endangering me in every way possible. My mental sanity is on the verge of cracking,” I said, my body shaking. I lost control of my tears and began to sob.
Zack stared at me, but he didn’t interrupt. He let go of my hand and paced
through the woods. I could see that he was struggling with what I said, but I wasn’t sure which part shocked him more, my betrayal of his trust or the reason for my mental breakdown. I prayed that he would forgive me for planning to ruin his life.
It seemed like an eternity as he processed my confession. He ran his hands through his hair and wiped his face a few times. He looked like he wanted to punch a tree or kick the log, but he restrained himself.
When I was about to lose hope and retreat back to my bedroom to find a way to accept that I had destroyed our-almost relationship, he spun around and threw his arms around me. I thought for a second that he was going to strangle me or pick me up and throw me. Instead, he buried his face in my neck and cried. I wasn’t sure what he was thinking or feeling, but I held him. I stroked his hair and comforted him, even if he didn’t want to be comforted.
Sniffling, he pulled his face back and looked at me. Without warning, he leaned in and kissed me. This kiss was different from our previous kisses. It wasn’t sweet and innocent. It was filled with passion and desperation. My entire body exploded into a million pieces and I felt like I was on fire. My knees almost gave out, but Zack held on to me.
I kissed him back with everything I was feeling. If this was meant to be our goodbye kiss, then I wanted to make it memorable. His tongue moved against my lip until I opened my mouth. I enjoyed this kiss and felt like I was a part of what was happening. I no longer felt wooden like a statue. I was excited to know that I could feel passion with someone that I cared about.
Breaking the kiss, he leaned back and looked at my lips and then my eyes. “I love you,” he whispered before he lightly pressed his lips against mine and nuzzled my nose.
I was lightheaded from the kiss, so I wasn’t sure if he had said that he loved me or loathed me. I needed clarification before I hired the skywriter and celebrated with balloons.
I had to catch my breath before I could form complete sentences. “You did say that you loved me, right? My head is swimming right now, and I need to know that I heard you correctly,” I said, placing my hand on his cheek.
We Were Ghosts--The Secret Life of a Survivor Page 15