Nice. We could have been jacked. What the hell had happened and who had done this to me?
The engine turned over which was a blessing. The SUV had been running fine, but the way my night was going, I didn’t expect anything to go right. I spun the car around sending gravel spitting in the air. The steel beams of what would most likely become an office building or high-rise apartment rose out of the pit behind me as I angled for the open gate. The chick in the back hadn’t been buckled in, and she took a tumble that finally shut her up a second before she righted herself again.
I should have asked her a ton of questions, but her ensuing comment let me know it would be next to impossible to get a story I might believe out of her.
“You’re a fucking asshole, you know that. I don’t care what a good fuck you were.”
Her words sent me further into a spiral of despair. I felt dead inside as I headed back into the city. The clock on the dash read after two a.m., and I was more than fucked. When we reached civilization, I pulled over near a busy corner that housed a club still thrumming with music. Cabs were plentiful around there, and a cop had driven by. I figured she would be safe if I left her there.
“Do you have cab money?”
She gave me a seething glare that promised death in the most heinous way. She shoved open the door and got out with a window-rattling slam. I pulled away from the curb and headed to the hotel near the Liberty Bell, which was a joke within itself, hoping against hope Jess was still there.
I hadn’t bothered to find out the chick’s name and didn’t care. And still I didn’t glance at my phone. Jess would be worried about me because she trusted me. When I hadn’t shown up at the appointed time, she would have called once or twice the first hour and maybe in increasing frequency after. The idea left me with bile gathering in my gut. I also didn’t want to know when she’d finally given up on me. It was better not to know that. Instead, I held out hope she’d still be there waiting for me. Possibly she’d fallen asleep where I could make my apologies and pray that heaven cared one shit about me that she would forgive my transgression.
The too bright-eyed hotel attendant at the Monaco nearly grated on my nerves, but I gritted my teeth and took the keycard as I was informed that my other party had already checked in. I continued to hold onto optimism and gave the clerk a toothy smile to make up from my brusqueness.
The high-end décor did nothing to hold my attention as I tapped my foot waiting for an elevator to show up. I almost growled the words what the hell with no one around as the elevator still hadn’t shown up. The lobby was empty as it should be at that hour. The elevators shouldn’t take that long with no one else using them.
When chime came, I jolted and found the light that signaled which elevator had graced me with its presence. As the doors slid open, I basically dove inside and pressed the button on the floor number I needed. Once there, I sprinted down the hallway only to stand nervously at the door with shaking hands. The other side hopefully held a forgiving Jess. It could all go to shit, mostly likely would. It took a few times for me to fumble open the door. My hands refused to cooperate.
Once the green indicator on the lock signaled, I opened the door slowly. I licked my lips and only had a view of rumpled sheets. I pushed in further as the door closed behind me. Blue walls with white patterned shapes greeted me on one side and eyes that weren’t Jess greeted me on the other. The eyes belonged to the painting of people and not anyone I could talk to. The empty bed and dark bathroom I passed meant that Jess was gone.
Time to face the music, I thought. I pulled out my phone and sat on a bed that held Jess’s warm body hours ago. I found a multitude of texts, everything thing from a polite where are you to a more frustrated where the hell are you. Then ending with an apologetic heart filled message about the possibility of me being hurt, so she wasn’t going to be mad at me yet, ending on a sorrowful call me. I didn’t bother to listen to the voice messages. I couldn’t hear her voice and not go to her in the middle of the night.
I should have called her then. But what if she was sleeping? Did I really want to wake her to let her know I was, in fact, safe, and she should be mad, not worried. I let myself fall back. I had several decisions to make.
The weight of my guilt caused my lids to close but sleep eluded me. The burden of truth didn’t allow me any rest. What was the truth? I hadn’t willingly gone and slept with another girl. I hadn’t wanted anyone else. I only wanted her. How could I possibly explain in a way that she would believe me? Or should I take the easy way out and lie?
three
The cloudless sky rained on my day. Bleary eyed, I blinked against the brightness of the sun. There was nothing good about the day to come and the cheery skyline only made my life feel that much worse. I should have woken up with Jess in my arms only to kiss her neck on that spot that always made her giggle. Instead, I was headed to checkout alone to face the drive to go see her and explain why I hadn’t been there the night before.
The drive took less than a half an hour to her campus. From our conversations, I had a general idea where her dorms were located. And it was possible that I’d stalked the web to get a better idea on those nights I’d almost cracked and went to see her.
Starbucks was my only stop before I made it to her campus. I got her latest favorite, Chestnut Praline Latte and a blueberry muffin. I hoped the peace offering would go a long way. It would be nothing like what her mother could make. She was an outstanding cook and owned a popular café where we lived in Maryland. But Jess and I were a long way from home in Pennsylvania where our respective schools were. We hadn’t ended up at the same college, but I’d chosen University of Pennsylvania to be close to Swarthmore where she attended.
For once luck was on my side. Someone pulled out of a parallel parking spot that overlooked the valley of dorms. As I waited, I took in the scenery. It was a warm Sunday morning. The hill to the bottom was dotted with bodies out to soak in a little sun while studying or listening to tunes. I sat for a while, not sure what to do. A glance at her coffee made the decision for me. It wouldn’t be a peace offering if the coffee was cold by the time I got it to her.
I shoved out of the car and let the beep indicate that the car had locked. I carefully made my way down the hill and began the trek towards her dorm, located feet from the bottom when Jess pushed out the door, eyes red rimmed. I froze and drank in the sight of her.
Born Jessica Shelby and called Jessa by most, I was the only one to call her Jess. Her twin sister Jenna, born Jennifer, had coined their four letter nicknames when the two were just barely old enough to speak.
Jess was beautiful in an effortless way. She stood as an Asian girl stepped up next to her just before our eyes met. Jess’s jaw dropped. I could only imagine the things that went through her head because I watched the expressions cross her face, amazement, puzzlement, and resignation. She said something to the girl next to her. I felt the frosty eyes but didn’t meet them. I only had eyes for my girl and hoped she saw the regret in them.
She took a long breath of air and strolled in my direction away from the girl she'd talked to.
“Ethan,” she began. She licked her lips, and I desperately wanted to touch her. It had been far too long, and I needed her like I needed water to survive. “Thank God, I was so worried.”
Her voice was sweet as if an angel spoke in my ear. How quickly her tone would change if she found what I’d done. I knew how she would react. I’d been a witness to how she’d shut down her ex-boyfriend, Josh at his transgression. My sin was far worse.
I hadn’t moved. I’d been memorizing her like she was the answer to a test I couldn’t fail. She was beautiful and not in a put together way. Her long blonde hair framed a face that wore no makeup and didn’t need it. The tee shirt and shorts that hid her curves still stirred a boner to emerge in my pants.
“Jess.” My voice broke under the weight of my guilt and squashed any other thoughts of touching her.
“Ethan, what’s wr
ong? Are you okay?”
She moved closer with a concerned expression. I could feel the muscles in my face contort as pain flooded my every sense. I should totally lie. There was little to no chance she’d ever find out. Yet, I had to be honest with her. Our relationship was based on trust. And even though I’d broken it, I would vow never to do that again.
With trepidation, I took in serval ragged breaths before inhaling and exhaling my torment. “Jess, I’m so sorry.”
“For what? What happened Ethan?”
I licked my dry lips. A lie wanted to crawl out of my mouth and smooth everything over. It would be so easy to tell her what she wanted to hear. And then an image of her father broke in my brain. The guy was easy to talk to and had become a man I could look up to and respect. I remembered some of his words that made me suck the lie back down my throat. He’d talked about what it was to be a man. He’d said that it meant doing the right thing even when it wasn’t easy. It was hard to ignore, and I knew his advice could be for anyone. But he’d said it to me, trusting me with one of the most precious things he had, his daughter.
The coffee became lead in my hand as I held it out to her and she stared at it like it was a foreign object.
I started to drop my hand when she took it and then gave it a little sip. A half smile worked its way on my face when she pulled the cup away and had some foam left on her upper lip. I wanted to kiss it off but I could tell by the way one hand wrapped itself around her body, she was expecting the worst.
The words began to stream out my mouth with no urgency or direction. “I’m not sure what happened. One minute I helped win the game for our team—”
“Oh my gosh. You played yesterday?” I watched her guarded excitement. Jess wasn’t a fool. No doubt she was beginning to piece the puzzle together. Only I doubted she’d fit them all into the picture of what actually happened.
A vision of the torn foil packed filled my brain as I continued the diatribe of words that were the foundation of my explanation.
“The starting quarterback went out of the game and I filled in for the last few minutes. That isn’t the problem though.”
I let my words sink like an anvil. She didn’t speak, only took another small sip of the coffee I’d given her with an expression that rang out she wasn’t enjoying it. That was when I knew she’d pictured the worst.
“I shouldn’t have let the guys talk me into going to a party. I figured that I had plenty of time to get to you.”
“You lost time having fun with your teammates,” she said dryly. I watched her hand waiting for her to fling the contents of the expensive coffee that I couldn’t really afford to be tossed on me like I wholeheartedly deserved.
“Actually, I don’t remember any of it. I went there to show my face with the intentions of leaving as soon as possible to get to you.”
My words were pleading, but they had no effect. She said nothing only waited for me to deliver the deathblow to our relationship.
“Ethan just tell me.” Her voice boarded on irritation. She wore the mask of a hardened heart. I would lose her, I knew it. The devil on my shoulder screamed at me to lie and make up something.
“I woke up in my car not knowing how I got there.” And I could have left it at just that. A miniature version of her father appeared on the opposite shoulder from the devil and warned me to continue with the truth. “There was a girl in my backseat. I don’t remember a thing. I swear I didn’t plan any of it.”
“And where were you? What did the two of you do?” The narrowing of her eyes only added to the razor edge of her voice. She didn’t tremble. She didn’t crumble in to small pieces.
I was the one that sounded as if I was close to tears as my voice wavered knowing I was fighting a losing battle with no way back. “She claims we were together. I don’t remember doing anything with her.”
“You think you did. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be telling me this.” Her voice was so cold I felt a shiver roll down my spine.
“I want to be honest with you. I never want to lie to you Jess. I don’t know what happened. There was an open condom package…”
What else was there to say? I’d tossed it in the trash as soon as I’d gotten to the hotel. Under the pressure of her silence, I dared to close my eyes against the weight of her condemning stare. When I opened them again, she hadn’t disappeared. I took it as a good sign and stepped forward.
She held out a hand in the universal signal for stop. I fisted my hands at my sides crushing one around the muffin she hadn't taken. The urge to touch her was too great especially when a solitary tear streamed down her face.
The rage that held her together had finally broken. Hurt and totally despair contorted her pretty features.
“Let me get this straight. Instead of calling me so we could meet sooner, you decided to go to a party.” She waited for something, and it wasn’t until she repeated, “A party,” did I nod.
“Parties where alcohol is served. Parties that were your destruction ground before I met you. And you thought it would be a good idea to go to one.”
She was right. I’d partied hard after my life took a turn for messed up after my father died then shortly after Carly had disappeared. I’d done things and taken risks that had proved not to be the eraser for all the pain I held inside like I’d searched for.
“Jess…” I begged and pleaded with the utterance of her name. It was more like a cry for help because I was dying inside knowing what I’d done.
“At this party you find yourself drunk, so drunk that you ended up screwing another girl.”
“It’s not like that. I—”
“It is like that," she snapped. "Alcohol does it again, huh Ethan? You let it destroy us.”
Her voice however reasonable before that point had gained some volume. A quick glance around showed that we’d begun to garner attention.
“You have to believe me. You know I wouldn't do that to you on purpose. But the girl—she says we did. I don’t know why she would lie.”
“I don’t know either. But you need to go.”
There was a finality in her voice that made me beg.
“Jess, please. Please, you have to forgive me. Don’t give up on us.”
I moved towards her, but she backed up some more.
“You gave up on us when you chose to party with your pals instead of coming to see me like we planned.”
“Jess…”
She closed her eyes as more tears spilled down her cheek in homage to the cluster fuck I created. She’d gathered calm because her next words were more pained than angry.
“Ethan, I know it took a lot for you to come here and tell me the truth. You didn’t have to. But I need you to give me some time. I need you to go and not call. Let me have some space to process. Please respect that.”
Her voice had gone from despair to scary calm by the end.
“I’m sorry. I never meant…” I gestured dumbly in the air and let the words hang out there. “I love you.”
It was all I could say before I took a couple of steps in the opposite direction. I watched a few more silent tears roll down her stony expression before I turned and headed to my car. A guy stood with a cup of coffee and stared like he’d been watching reality TV.
“Dude, that blows.”
I refrained from punching him or saying anything that would bring more attention. But I watched as his eyes left mine and headed in the direction of where Jess had stood. I hadn’t wanted to look back afraid I wouldn’t be able to leave like she wanted. But his gaze had me glancing over my shoulder. I caught sight of Jess tossing the coffee in the trash and dashing around the corner. Everything in my head wanted me to chase her to make sure she was okay… safe. But I knew better. I was the one that had made her not okay.
I too began to move quicker in the direction of my car. Forcing myself to leave the only girl I’d ever loved. I let the crumbling muffin fall back into the bag left on the seat before I twisted the key in the ignition. It hadn't go
ne as I hoped, but it had gone as expected.
four
over two years ago
It was Freaky Friday as some of the girls in school had been spouting all day. Freaky was certainly the word. My parents were out of town and I was throwing an impromptu party where I was sure to score. At sixteen, I was already a seasoned pro at the inner workings of a girl. The day I’d discovered girls weren’t yucky had been the best day of my life. And I was still taking full advantage.
“Ethan.” The giggles that came after my name had me closing my locker and turning around.
The two new girls in school waited for me. According to rumors of the other rich and jealous girls, they were on scholarship. Both held their books close to their chest while giving me smiles that said they were putty in my hands.
“Yes.” I gave them my best-crooked smile.
The blonde who stole my breath spoke as her friend eyed me like I was candy and she wanted a taste. Interesting. The brunette was gorgeous, but it was the blonde and the way she held her books as if they were a shield, that sparked my attention.
“We heard you’re having a party tonight.”
“I am,” I quickly responded, but didn’t yet invite them. I was curious if they would ask or wait for me to do the honors.
The blonde’s smile dropped and I saw an uncertain expression on her face. The other girl’s face held a calculation I knew all too well.
Taking over for her friend, the brunette said, “We were hoping for an invite.”
I leaned back on the locker and pulled out my phone. It was all a game, but I couldn’t look eager. I’d learned from the best. My parents were experts at manipulation especially against each other. My mother was a pro.
“Yeah, I’m not sure. I was hoping to keep it low key you know.” I kept my fingers busy checking messages and updating my Facebook status. I mentioned the party to the group of friends allowed into my inner circle. I let them know the party was still a go.
Broken Lens Page 2