Broken Lens

by Shannon Dermott

  “Maybe,” I shrugged. “Maybe not.” My hand began to fall because I wouldn’t beg. There were at least a dozen girls inside who would follow me without question. I was interested in her but in no way desperate.

  Before my hand reached my side, hers was in mine.

  “I’ll trust you,” she whispered.

  There were a thousand things I could have said, but I kept my mouth shut. I walked her around the pool and down past the basketball and tennis courts. The guy who threw the party had a usual garden of flowers in the back of the property.

  “Oh my gosh,” she said as soon as her eyes found the secret garden, the guy’s dad had made for his mom on some big anniversary.

  She placed a small hand to cover her mouth, and I knew I’d done the right thing.

  I nodded. “Pretty corny huh?”

  “No,” she said breathlessly and shook her head. “It’s the most romantic thing ever.”

  I had to admit, it wasn’t as corny as I played it to be. Flowers and tiny green bushes filled an area that were arranged in such a way that no matter the season, the words I love you could be seen. The words were spelled out in cheery yellow matching the color of her outfit.

  The moonlight bathed my steps as I faced her. There had been something I’d been waiting weeks to do. And I’d found the moment to try, one that may make her forget any rumors she’d heard about me.

  “Maybe you can let me be romantic.”

  My fingers found the back of her neck as I bent down and pressed my lips to hers.

  The sound of my phone broke me out of my memory.

  seven

  I snagged my phone and growled something imperceptible.

  “Yo,” the voice on the other line said.

  “Bradley,” I croaked groggily. “Bradley Cooper.” He hated when I called him that. It was my joke because the guy had a way of making the girls go crazy for him.

  “Yeah, I hear you have a Hangover.” He didn’t sound happy which meant Jess had gotten to him first. In the months after Jess and I became official, Bradley had wormed his way into my life. If anything, he’d become my best friend, maybe only true friend outside of her.

  “What did she say?” I rubbed at my forehead, not sure I really wanted to know the whole truth and nothing but it.

  “The long and short of it is you’re an asshole and a jerk.” It still felt like a slap, and just when I was about to ask another question, he added, “Although I know she still loves you.”

  A heavy breath escaped my lungs like the cops were chasing it. Good, she still loved me. That had to count for something. “Do you think she’ll take me back?”

  The pause was long enough; I suffered in silence. “I don’t know man. She’s pretty pissed.”

  Defensively, I chimed in quickly. “She gave that asshole Josh a second chance.” There I said it. I hadn’t said it to her, but saying it to him was just as good.

  “Yeah, not when it counted though.”

  That was true. Trying to round the bases with her had rated low on her list of offensives compared to calling her by her twin sister’s name when they were making out. I cringed at the thought of that guy with his hands on her. She’d always felt like mine since the first day I met her.

  “Are you on my side or hers?” I shouldn’t ask. He’d known her all her life. But I was feeling pretty petulant. I needed an ally.

  “Dude, why don’t you tell me what happened first.”

  I ran down the story from the game to the bad idea to attend the party. I highlighted my lack of memory and waking up with practical stranger half naked in the back seat of my car.

  “Damn, so you don’t remember doing anything with her?”

  “Nope.”

  It was his turn to sigh. “I don’t know what to say other than if I didn’t know how in love you are with Jess, I would be kicking your ass through the phone. I’ll talk to her. Even if you cheated, it doesn’t sound like it was on purpose.”

  Was that I good thing? I didn’t know. “Thanks.”

  “Don’t thank me yet. You know her. When she’s set her mind, she’s as stubborn as her best friend, Madison.”

  “Speaking of which,” I began, needing to take the focus off me. There wasn’t a reason to talk on and on about something I couldn’t change yet. “Are you guys off or on?”

  Jess’s other best friend Madison had gotten with Bradley last year in school. Their relationship was rocky even before they’d gone to the same college.

  “Off.” He sounded wounded. “She’s with some guy who plays golf.” He didn’t elaborate.

  “What about you? Have you moved on?”

  The guy had it bad for Madison. With her so hot and cold, I wanted to tell him to move on. Who knew if her seeing him with someone else may help make up her mind about what she wanted.

  “Dude, are you prepared to move on from Jess if she decides never to take you back?”

  The only thing I’d move onto was a jail cell because I’d probably kill anyone who dared to touch her. “No, I guess not.”

  We hung on the phone for several long minutes commiserating in silence.

  “Well, I’ve got to go. It’s breakfast around here.”

  Bradley moved out to California for school. I always forgot about our time difference.

  “Why’d you call so early?” I asked.

  “I saw Madison last night and couldn’t sleep.”

  Another pause simmered because I wouldn’t ask. I knew what the guy was going through. Although for different reasons, I understood his pain because mine was a fresh wound.

  After we hung up, I stared at the screen. I found myself texting Jess.

  I love you and I’m sorry.

  I spelled it all out hoping she’d see just how serious I was. She didn’t respond.

  The week flew by like a ninety yard pass deflected and intercepted by the other team, slow, surreal and totally fucked. At least there hadn’t been another weird envelope, so I dismissed the first one as a prank. I sat in my first class of the day, Psychology. The professor was…

  “She is a hot piece of ass wrapped in a crispy tortilla. I’d love to add my sour cream to her taco.”

  Slowly, I turned to face Bear, who shared this one class with me. His dreamy expression didn’t register my bemusement with his colorful commentary. The early morning class was filled with other horny guys who like to stare at the professor. Her choice of clothing gave them many reasons, too. She always wore something tight that hid nothing except actual skin. Her curves were enough to give them enough material to conjure visuals in their tiny brains.

  I hadn’t chosen the class for her, but to fill a requirement that fit around my tight schedule. Between mandatory morning weight training and afternoon football practice, I only had the few hours between classes.

  Since the class was an early one on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, it was smaller than most. In fact, she took attendance regularly and called us by name.

  She was handing back our first graded papers by hand, when she called my name.

  “Ethan.” I was the last guy in line because the other ones had jumped to their feet at a chance to get a better view of her cleavage.

  The D minus had me blinking at the paper wondering if I had something in my eye.

  “I know you’re on football scholarship.”

  My eyes left the paper and met hers. At my perplexed expression, she spoke. “Yes, your coach makes sure he follows up with all his player’s professors. You seem like a bright guy.” Her pause was heavy, and involuntarily I glanced down to search for my feet only to come up short at the swell of her chest. It was impressive. I darted my eyes back up only to catch her smirk. She’d caught me looking even though I hadn’t done it intentionally. I was a guy like the rest and appreciated a sexy body; however, I had my mind set to one.

  “I know about all your problems back at home.”

  Suddenly, I felt a thick lugy in my throat. I wanted to cough to get it out but feared I m
ight spew my breakfast too.

  “If you need help or just want to talk, I’m available. I am a practicing psychologist. In fact, I work with Health Services on campus. Anything you need to talk about, know that I’m here. And also know that whatever you say will remain between us.”

  I felt twelve again under the weight of her eyes. I stood bobbing my head unable to speak.

  “Just let me know.” I nodded again only to be stopped short.

  Did she just wink at me? I bumbled out of the room unsure how she went from mother figure to cougar in seconds. What was she offering? I shook it off for a more pressing thought. Why was my past creeping up on me? Maybe I should have gone to Stanford across the country instead of following Jess to Pennsylvania. It didn’t seem like my choice had been a good one from where I stood at that moment.

  By the end of my last class of the day, I collapsed on my bed still lacking sheets. Between classes and practice that week, I hadn’t had the energy to do laundry. I forced myself into gear and headed with my load to the lower level. There I made the uncomfortable discovery I wasn’t alone.

  I hefted my bag to an empty washer and began to load it.

  “Hey, you’re Ethan, right?”

  I didn’t reciprocate and ask her name. It was rude, but I didn’t want to know.

  “Yes,” I grunted, continuing to load only to realize I’d forgotten the laundry detergent. I muttered a curse when a hand holding a small bottle of Tide appeared in front of me.

  Forced to look my benefactor in her face, the first thing I noticed were her eyes. They were light brown and softened by a smile that reached them. As her entire face came into focus, I remembered her from the library the day I met with Evans. She was the girl he’d given his keys to.

  “You can borrow mine. My room is near yours. I’m sure you don’t want to climb two flights up only to come back down.”

  I did enough running of stadium stairs for football practice that she was right about me not wanting to climb up twice only for a cup of detergent.

  “Thanks,” I said with a tight smile.

  Quickly, I measured out some and poured it in the machine. I handed the bottle back, and our fingers brushed against each other’s. Her face grew pink, and I turned away needing to focus on anything but her. She was cute with a genuine face framed by blonde hair cut short to just below her ears.

  Regardless of the precarious state of my relationship, I only quickly glanced at her when she said, “No problem.” She paused, and I knew she was making a decision on what to say next. “You were at the library with Evans the other day.”

  I nodded but kept my attention on the laundry waiting for a moment to leave without it being weird and possibly rude. She’d helped me out. I slung the empty laundry bag on my shoulder when I didn’t have more to do. Just when I turned to leave, she spoke.

  “Say, are you going to the concert tonight.”

  “Concert?”

  She grinned and said, “You must be busy. There are free concerts every Friday night on the quad. They aren’t major bands, but local ones.”

  “Oh.” I’d been a hermit my few weeks here. It had been football practice then trying to work in study time. “I guess I missed that.”

  “Well, if you wanted to come—” She left silence to fill in the gaps.

  I hated this part. It wasn’t that she was somehow tangled with Evans that had me saying my next words. It was that I wanted Jess more than an opportunity to take an edge off the aching need to be between a girl’s thighs. “I’m probably going to see my girlfriend tonight.”

  Her face fell. “Oh, of course, you have a girlfriend.” She muttered the last with a fingernail between her teeth. “I guess I’ll see you around.”

  The basket that clung under her arm was like her shield. She headed out the door without a backward glance. Not wanting to be made a liar, I decided that I would go see Jess. I’d left her alone, for the most part, this week only sending her little text each night before I went to bed even though she hadn’t responded to one. I’d said nothing more than I love you each time.

  Once my laundry was done, I headed out into the day as it began to turn a dusky gold. The wheels of my motorcycle sped along the asphalt with only one destination in mind. Jess. I needed her in the worst way.

  I pulled up in the same spot the last time I’d been there. The lawn was littered with students, but there weren’t as many sunbathers since the day was fading into night. I pulled out my phone and texted her hoping she wasn’t out with friends.

  I need to see you. I’m here.

  There wasn’t a response, and I wondered if I’d come in vain. My stomach growled reminding me I hadn’t eaten since breakfast. With no afternoon practice, because we had a game the next day, I’d been happy just to get to my room early for once.

  A familiar head stepped through the dorm door and glanced up. She was as beautiful as the first day I saw her. She didn’t rush to me, and I couldn’t read her blank expression. Was she planning to tell me it was over?

  “Ethan,” she said shyly.

  “Wait. Don’t say anything yet.” I wasn’t ready to hear her words for fear of their implications. “Just come somewhere with me. I have something to show you.”

  She glanced back over her shoulder, but I couldn’t tell if someone was waiting for her. Until I spied the dick off in the distance watching our exchange. I gripped the handles with uncommon strength because the caveman in me wanted to stake a claim on what was mine. He would have Jess over my dead body.

  “Okay,” she said once she focused on me again.

  That one word was the hope I needed and spared the dick his life. I handed her my spare helmet I’d brought in anticipation and enjoyed the feel of her hands around me after so long.

  eight

  It felt like we were driving through some kind of industrial revolution. New modern construction mixed with warehouses and abandoned buildings made real estate more interesting yet still affordable. The old’s reign was losing battleground and soon would lose the war. I parallel parked in front of a nondescript brick building that stood on the corner a block away from where the new encroached on the old.

  “What is this?” Jess asked holding the helmet with a death grip.

  She appeared as nervous as I was. I hoped it was for the same reason.

  “Let me show you.” I held out my hand, and she let go of her two-handed grip on the helmet. I took the strap while waiting to see if she’d come to me. Trusting me, she placed her free hand in mine and gave me hope for our future.

  I marveled at how stunning she was in a blue tee and khaki shorts. Blue brought out the pale color in her eyes. Although she could have worn a paper bag, to me she still would have been the most beautiful girl in the world.

  We drew close to a glass door grated with iron bars. Keys that would open a new world for us were buried in my pocket, but I refused to let go of her hand. Being able to touch her was worth my fumbling about one handed. Finally, I set the helmets down on the ground and found what I needed to get us inside.

  The door opened into a chasm of a room. There were only a few interior walls. They fortified the only bathroom in the place. The other side of that opened to the back corner where a makeshift bedroom held court. A bed and matching chest from a place that I’d once called home fit in the space as if it had always been there. Opposite was a bank of windows high up and protected with iron that let in much needed light. Perpendicular to those windows midway on the right was the single sofa also rescued from a home no longer mine. In fact, everything in the joint had been the remnants Mom had left when she fled to California over a year ago after my father died. I had it moved when we’d gotten word the house was being seized by the government.

  Just to the left of where we stood, a white sheet draped the wall and swept across the floor. An umbrella lamp that I’d taken from my basement anchored it. It was my makeshift studio. There was also an easel that I’d used when I thought art would be my life. To o
ur right was the makeshift kitchen that held basic appliances.

  There wasn’t much in the way of color. The exposed brick walls held white paint that peeled from age. It reminded me of my former home, stark and vacant of personality. The place was large but held few things, which was definitely reminiscent of my living circumstances over the past year.

  Jess let go of my hand and preceded forward. Her large eyes bounced from place to place. I had no doubt she made the connection between my former home and my new digs. There was so much I had to tell her, but I needed to win her back first. Her pity for my circumstances could wait.

  When she turned back, I could see the wheels turning in her beautiful mind. “What is this?”

  I cleared my throat not wanting emotion to take over. “This had been my surprise. I wanted a place where we could spend our weekends together alone.”

  Her puzzlement evident as a frown began to form and her head tilted slightly to the side. “Then why the hotel?”

  I swallowed not wanting her to think about that disaster, but I knew I couldn’t avoid it. “I planned to surprise you and I couldn’t if I told you to meet me here.”

  She looked down at her feet but not, before I saw pain cross her face. I squeezed my eyes shut knowing I’d caused it. After a second, I moved into her bubble. With my finger, I lifted her chin. “There aren’t enough words for me to take back the past. You have to know that you are forever my future.”

  I took a chance and bent my head close to hers. When my lips briefly brushed hers, I nearly sighed at the contact. Her soft mouth parted and I took it as an open invitation. I snaked my hands down her arms and wrapped them around her waist. When she didn’t protest, I frog walked her back towards the corner. When we met the edge of the bed, I slid my hands up her body and dug my fingers into my hair. A fever took hold between us that could be doused.

  Next thing I knew, she began peeling my shirt off. I ran with it, helping her out of her things. We landed on the bed in a heap of limbs. Tangled, we connected in ways that were only possible when two people were in love. It wasn’t clumsy or causal. It was frenzied and languid all at the same time. I knew her body, and how to make her back arch, so I did. I gave her my all, not needing anything in return, only her love. Still, when the explosion hit, it was like the earth shook beneath us as we both cried out.