“Nothing is worse than indifference.” Darcy laughed. “That is not true — there is a person who holds me in great regard when I would much prefer indifference.”
“You are confusing matters. You are indifferent to her — or him, since you did not specify the sex. It makes no difference how a person who you do not care for thinks about you. It is only once you have some affection for them that the issue matters. So why did I not see you?” As Elizabeth finished her tone sharpened. Darcy wanted to imagine she sounded jealous. “You might have given me an opportunity to congratulate you on your upcoming nuptials.”
Darcy looked away from Elizabeth. “It is a shameful enough matter. I was too occupied pitying myself to attend to anyone else.”
Elizabeth looked at him with those shining dark eyes.
Darcy wanted to explain it all to her. He saw on the ground next to them a stone that Emma had discarded earlier for not being good enough to throw. Darcy picked it up. He felt the smooth surface of the rock, worn away by centuries of water. Darcy carefully sighted along the stream and flicked his wrist just so. The rock bounced along leaving a long row splashes.
“I imagine you have guessed from my manner and words that I do not wish to marry Miss de Bourgh — this does not speak against her. She is unexceptional. But I have no passion, no…ardent feeling towards her.”
Elizabeth nodded. Her eyes were deep and serious. He wondered what she was thinking or remembering. She briefly touched his arm.
Darcy turned back to the river and threw another stone. This time the angle was off, and instead of skipping it just hit the surface and made a large splash.
“Must you marry her?” Elizabeth’s voice was soft.
“I must.”
“What control has Lady Catherine found over you? I am…unhappy for you. I wish you to be happy. I always did — no, not always — but I have for many years.”
“She knows of Georgiana’s indiscretion, and she has sworn to tell the entire world. Georgiana has just become engaged to a man she loves dearly. I do not believe I am likely to find that happiness in any case. And I cannot sacrifice my sister’s wellbeing for my own. I am her guardian. It is my duty.”
“Yes. But…to marry a person you do not care for. That has always seemed to me…”
“It is my duty. I have no choice.”
Elizabeth looked at him for a long time. Her eyes glistened. “I think I understand you. You always ensure your duty is done. But that horrid, terrible woman.”
“Aye.”
The two sat there quietly. Emma ran back to them, her dress a little muddied. “I saw that throw, Mr. Darcy! Such a fine throw. I did teach you well.”
“That you did.”
“Here, Lizzy!” The girl held out a small bird’s egg, which Elizabeth took carefully.
“It is very pretty. Where did you find it?”
Emma pointed to a tree with a low branch. “I didn’t climb…much.”
Elizabeth laughed. “You are a good girl. But be more careful.”
“Yes. Yes, I will be careful,” Emma replied in an exasperated voice, before storing the bird’s egg on a little piece of fabric in the basket Elizabeth had brought with her and running off again.
Darcy smiled ruefully and shook his head. He had determined to be cheerful, and he was next to a beautiful woman. It was as fine an afternoon as he had ever seen. The world was green, and he was wealthy and still young. “Listen to my complaints — I have no cause to complain. It is not such a bad world. I wish to be more like you — your disappointments have been greater—”
“Oh, not at all!”
“You have lost your father, your position, you are apart from your family. I imagine you have lost many false friends. Yet you smile and shower your love upon Emma.”
Elizabeth laughed, and she knocked her knee against his. “You are being absurd. I proved quite amply that I would rather be poor than married to a man I disliked. So do not tell me that. I chose my fate, and for myself I have never repined.”
“No!” Darcy laughed. “Do not say that. No man wishes to hear that he is such a poor prospect that a woman would rather be a governess under the employ of Lady Catherine than married to him.”
“I did not say that!” Elizabeth shook her head and grinned. “You are begging for a compliment, and I shall not give it. Lady Catherine is not so bad — one just must be more subservient.”
“You caught the tone of her voice perfectly.”
“I did. I can scare Emma easily with my imitations of Lady Catherine. I am careful though never to do it where she might stumble across us. But great noble ladies do not walk in the woods, or splash about streams.”
“Now there is a matter that has been eating at me for the past half hour. There was an eligible offer you received from a man who you disliked even more than me? Who was the unfortunate man?”
“You cannot call him unfortunate, for he was accepted by his wife before the day of my rejection was finished.”
“The deuce! He offered for a second woman in one day?”
Elizabeth giggled. “You look like you bit a sour lemon. Tell me truly, had you been refused by some other woman that day already?”
“Good God! No!”
She giggled again. “Ah. You had not.” Elizabeth smiled at him. “Your speech to me, whatever its flaws, it showed far more personal regard for me.”
“A proposal that did not show personal regard? The deuce!”
At the cue of his ejaculated phrase Elizabeth giggled again, as he’d hoped.
“My cousin considered the proposal more as a means of showing regard for the opinion of your esteemed aunt than the woman whose hand he sought.”
“Mr. Collins!”
Elizabeth laughed at him.
Darcy added in a disgusted voice, “I had some idea that he wished to claim you from his behavior the night of that ball. But he would bore you to murder within a month.”
“I considered that. It was far easier to listen to my mother’s complaints. It still is.”
Elizabeth looked at the ground with a quiet frown.
Darcy rubbed at his face. If she had married Mr. Collins her family would have kept the house. It would not have been as great as marrying him, but Mr. Collins still was a good match.
“Will you tell me about how…matters have gone for you? I wish to hear your story…”
“You do?” Elizabeth’s dark eyes were sad and serious. He held her eyes. She looked away with red cheeks.
Darcy said awkwardly, “You need not. Not if you do not wish…if it is uncomfortable.”
“I wish to tell you. You… I trust you to be kind. Not everyone has been.”
She met his eyes again. “Our misfortunes began in the summer of year twelve. Actually only a few days after I visited Pemberley—”
“You visited Pemberley! In 1812?”
“The loveliest estate in England, and your housekeeper Mrs. Reynolds was a very distinguished and sweet woman, who gave you a flaming character. She gave us to understand you have never spoken a cross word since you were four.”
“Now I know you have been to Pemberley — she brags that way to everyone.”
“Aha! So you did order her to say that.”
Darcy shook his head. “I see you have not modified your opinion of my vanity, whatever else you may have changed.”
“Vanity — I believed you possessed none. Only pride. For pride, when it is under good regulation shall never be a vice.” Elizabeth laughed. “That is one of a half dozen things you said which I have never forgotten.”
“I said that! Good god! What an arrogant speech.”
Elizabeth laughed, her smile displaying her teeth and dimpled cheeks.
Darcy laughed with her, enjoying being teased. “But Pemberley, when did you visit it?”
“Ah, let me think. It was the beginning of August. It was on the seventh that I received from Jane the news of Lydia’s elopement, and we had gone to Pemberley three days prior.�
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“Really?” Darcy tried to remember that year. Where had he been?
Elizabeth added, “Mrs. Reynolds told us you were to arrive the next day with a party of friends. I had been worried that I might meet you there, and that you would think I was presumptuous, or…taunting you…or something.”
“The next day. I remember that year. I had planned to ride ahead and reach Pemberley a day before my party, but Bingley convinced me it was too hot.” Darcy shook his head. “Maybe if I’d gone ahead, we’d have met again. I would have been happy to see you.”
“Would you have already wished to prove how well you had taken my lessons and improved yourself?”
“I certainly would have.”
The two smiled at each other. If only he had met her then, when he was free to marry as he wished. Perhaps… She was so open with him now, and so friendly. Perhaps he could have won her heart then. Darcy looked away. “Your story?”
Elizabeth frowned at the burbling stream. “Lydia had gone to Brighton with her dear friend Harriet, that is Colonel Forster’s new wife. Mr. Wickham was obliged to leave the regiment on account of debts; she went with him with the idea that they would go to Scotland to be married. My father went to search for them in London, caught a fever while going from house to house, and died promptly. Mr. Collins had us thrown out immediately and offered no support to the widow of his cousin. He ordered Charlotte never to speak to any of us. He believed my father’s death was the Lord’s punishment upon a wicked family — that was a notion he received from Lady Catherine. ‘Tis more than passing strange that she eventually would hire me, though I do understand her reasons. We went to live with my uncle in London. Though Kitty stayed in Meryton with my other uncle, Mr. Phillips.”
Darcy touched her shoulder in an instinctive attempt to comfort her. “I only knew Mr. Bennet had passed on.”
She leaned into his hand, and then straightened. “We then suffered a further misfortune: My uncle embarked upon an ambitious endeavor, and for a time it proceeded well, but last year in the crash he lost all of his money and more. A friend arranged for him to get a modest position in another business as a clerk, but he barely has enough money to feed all of his dependents.” Elizabeth turned more fully away from him. “You see that you are fortunate you have no connection to us. I have no cause to complain, however. I have this position, and except for Papa we are all healthy.”
Darcy looked at her for a long time. She did not turn back to meet his gaze. He would happily have an endless horde of indigent relatives if he also had Elizabeth. He knew in this moment he still wished to marry her. But Lady Catherine had made it impossible. There would be no second chance to win Elizabeth’s heart and hand.
They fell silent. The stream bubbled past. A butterfly flapped around. The warm fragrant breeze fluttered over them. The trees and grasses and bushes were rich, green and full of growth. Elizabeth’s cheeks were rosy, her curves were modestly displayed by the lines of her dress. “Your other family, do they do well? Miss Jane…”
“Jane is happy; her husband is a vicar whose mind is much like hers. He is too poor to help the rest of us much, but she loves him very, very dearly and has one child already.”
“I cannot avoid a deep sense of guilt when I think how the fate of your family is my doing.”
“Your doing!”
“I ought to have exposed Wickham for what he was. Had I not been mistaken in my advice to Mr. Bingley, he would have married your sister, and—”
“That is not a matter for you to blame yourself over. It was an easy thing for a girl of twenty to blame you solely. A girl who—” Elizabeth laughed. “I rather was obsessed by you. I see now that had Bingley been a man worthy of Jane, he would have trusted his own knowledge of her feelings.” Elizabeth held up her hand to stop Darcy who began to speak to defend his friend. “Perhaps that is not fair, but it does not indicate a great depth of feeling. You would not have behaved in such a manner. But Jane is happy. Is Mr. Bingley happy?”
“I fear he is not. He married a wealthy woman who has made him unhappy. She did love him — and very openly, unlike your sister. But they fell apart and now live separately for most of the year. You say Jane is happy. That removes some of my guilt for my unwarranted and thoughtless interference, but I did not interfere the next time in Bingley’s affairs, and then it did go poorly. I believe he would be far happier today with your sister.”
“You cannot blame yourself for responding to the world as you saw it.”
“I can blame myself for seeing the world wrongly, and I can blame myself for my unwarranted interference in their affairs. Your other sisters? Are they well — I do hope they are well.”
“Lydia is…” Elizabeth blushed. “You were quite right about her. As far as I know she is still in good health. Kitty married a captain in the marines, and they are well, though he is on half pay due to the end of the conflict. Mary took a position, like me, as a governess. It is a profession which suits her and for which she was well prepared. Quite unlike my state. ”
Darcy wanted to ask about Lydia. He heard she had Wickham’s child from Lady Catherine, and then became the mistress of another man. Elizabeth did not seem inclined to say more, and it was far too delicate of a matter to ask about.
Elizabeth nudged him with her elbow. “Now you look abstracted — you must be wondering how I came to have this position, even though I confessedly lack all accomplishments, and have an illegitimate niece.”
“It does surprise me. I mean no criticism of you, simply that she would not in a normal case hire a woman with such a background At least I do not believe Lady Catherine would —”
“You must have heard that Emma is illegitimate. I love her just the same.”
“I think no less of her for it.”
“Lady Catherine believes that because I have a niece who is outside of good society in the same way, I might prove to be a better tutor and companion for her ward.” Elizabeth made herself laugh. “Besides, I do not cost very much.”
As if drawn by her name being spoken, Emma scrambled out of a nearby thicket and bounced up to sit next to Elizabeth. “What are you two talking about?”
“How Miss Bennet became your governess, and her qualifications for the position.”
“Miss Lizzy is the best governess!” Emma exclaimed. “We practice piano, and take walks, and memorize the kings of England, and I have to read books. She is a very good teacher.”
“And you are very good pupil.” Elizabeth rubbed Emma’s hair. “My charge is the sweetest creature in the world, if full of mischief.”
Emma stuck her tongue out in reply.
Elizabeth carefully looked Emma over. “However your dress is a little torn in the hem.” She shook her head and smiled. “Fortunately I know your habits. From the sun it is past time to return and give you dinner, and I have a clean dress for you to change into in the basket. You see, I knew you would not be careful.”
Emma giggled.
Darcy took his watch out and noticed the hour. He and Elizabeth had talked for a long time, yet it seemed short.
The three of them pleasantly walked over the grasses and past the buzzing insects. Emma narrated equally to them both each tree she had climbed up, every insect she had chased, and the time a wasp had nearly stung her, all told in her happy child’s voice. When they reached the end of the grove, from which the path ran across the sunny meadow to the mansion, they parted.
Chapter Six
Elizabeth sat on the sill of the open window in the nursery and shook her head at Emma. “No, you do not say it that way. You must use devoir in the conditional tense, Nous devrions manger.”
Emma blinked up at Elizabeth, clearly lost.
“Nous devrions — we should — then manger, to eat. Nous devrions manger. We should eat.”
“Yes, I am very hungry. We should eat.”
Elizabeth laughed at Emma’s earnest, yet mischievous expression. “Too early.”
“Pleaaaase.”
Elizabeth laughed. She was a bit hungry too. Perhaps she had used that example because she wished to take a break and go to the kitchen. “Ask me in French.”
“Pouvons-nous manger?”
Elizabeth giggled at Emma’s hopeful expression. “Very good.”
“So can we eat?”
“In another ten minutes. You need to recite the tenses of devoir once more. Begin with what we have been practicing.”
Emma pouted. “Je devrais, vous devriez—”
“You need to pronounce the ‘r’ in the back of the throat. It sounds quite bizarre, and not at all like a proper English ‘r’. Do try again.”
“Devriez.”
“Very good.”
“Can we now eat?”
Elizabeth laughed. “Just recite them.”
Eventually Emma finished, with pronunciation that sounded roughly right to Elizabeth’s faulty ear. Elizabeth knew her deficiencies, and while she understood the language, she mispronounced many things herself, and had no notion how to get them to sound exactly right.
Elizabeth asked as they left the room, “Would you like to go outside and continue reading Udolpho after we eat?”
“Yes! Yes! Oh yes! It is so fun!”
Elizabeth took the book from its place in her room — it would not do to have novels in the nursery where Lady Catherine might find them — and put it in a small basket.
Emma danced down the stairs, making the wood creak with her little feet while Elizabeth followed at a more sedate pace.
The kitchen was uncomfortably hot now, though the room would be a warm refuge in the winter. The rich smells of soup and cooking meat combined with the scent of smoke from the crackling wood in the fireplace.
Pamela leaned against the counter, with her back foot drawn up against her leg, showing off the line of her stockings as she listened with a bored expression to Mrs. Shore speak.
“That brother of yours had best be more careful, what with Mr. Darcy around.”
At hearing the end of this Elizabeth said mildly, “Might Emma and I have some food — perhaps something suitable for a picnic?” She burned with curiosity to know just what Pamela’s brother was doing, but thought it best not to ask.
The Trials: A Pride and Prejudice Story Page 5