“Tell me more.” Her expression dreamy, her voice sounded like it did each night after I had stripped to my underwear and lay down on the floor beside her. Why though? Because of the scene I had described, because she liked my fingers skimming her flesh or because of the firm grip I had on her shoulders now?
“She’s beautiful, that woman in the portrait.” My gaze searched hers. “Beautiful like you. She’s wearing the dress she will wear for her coronation.” She returned my gaze steadily, her lids lowering as if seduced by my touch and the sound of my voice. “There’s a faraway look in her eyes, a mystery within their grey-green depths. She’s not imagining how it will be when they place a crown upon her head to match her king’s, but rather how wonderful it will be later in his bed.”
“Not much like that with you and me though.” A shadow clouded her gaze. “You don’t even kiss me anymore.” A grey storm clouded her eyes. “We’re more Game of Thrones where kings stand beside their queens for duty’s sake.” She stepped back. My hands fell to my sides. “Easier for them to get laid at the brothel than deal with the messed-up ones they have at home.”
“What. The. Fuck,” I exclaimed, and she flinched another step backward, her eyes widening.
“That’s such a pile of bullshit what you just said that I don’t even know where to start with it.”
“I’m tired. It was a dumb comment. I didn’t mean anything by it. Sometimes I just feel morose. You were complimenting me, and I ruined it by not thinking before I opened my stupid mouth. I ruin a lot of things that way. You’ve seen me do it with my mother. My brother. And now I’ve done it with you. I’m sorry.” Her eyes filled. But at least it was emotion, more than I’d seen from her in weeks. She flitted around on the periphery of living, floating away like an apparition whenever things got the slightest bit intense. She was becoming more and more a shadow of her vibrant self.
“Nothing that has happened has changed who you are to me.” Not if she didn’t let it. Not if she identified the bad stuff and dealt with it so we could finally start living a real life together. “You’re my queen. You’ll always be mine.” And I would always be hers. “There are no do overs once you decide on who you love when it comes to Acenado men. My grandfather, Abuelita’s husband, cherished her till the day he died. I’ve never even seen my father turn his head sideways to look at another woman. And I love you, Reina. I will always love you.”
“Alright.” She tipped her head back, a black waterfall spilling around her delicate shoulders, as cool as water and as soft as silk. “Well, I just need to find my clutch and I’ll be ready to go.” She blinked retreating to that place I couldn’t seem to reach even though I knew I had gotten closer to the source of the problem. I knew she feared that we couldn’t ever get back to where we had been before. I might have a grasp on what ailed her, but I couldn’t remedy it. To be healed, she had to do the hard work herself. But she refused to take the first step. The hardest step. Admitting that there was a problem.
“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you in this dress.” I retreated to safer ground. Regrouped. Settling for watching and waiting for another opportunity. Struggling with doubts of my own. Hard to rescue my queen when she stayed hidden behind her castle walls.
Chapter Forty-Six
Miriam
“Thanks for the compliment, Alex. It’s an old dress, though, I just haven’t worn it before. You look really nice, too. And the two of you together are fantastic.”
“I agree. We are.” Alex grinned, a megawatt movie star smile that was made even more appealing by the fact that it was lopsided and genuine. He stared into Mike’s cornflower blue eyes while he blazed all that glory. “Definitely better together.” He tore his gaze from my best friend and turned to face me again. The flickering candles atop the white table cloth glittered in his light blue eyes and highlighted his sun-bleached locks.
“The separations are difficult.” I glanced at Mike for confirmation.
“Very.” He nodded, his admission confirming that he had shared his feelings with his partner instead of suppressing them like I kept doing. “Which is why we’re not doing them anymore.” He brought their joined hands out from under the table. Two matching platinum bands captured and reflected the candlelight, but the happiness within my bestie’s eyes outshone them both.
“No freaking way!” I’d had a feeling that tonight was more than just a reunion, about something more than just my return to the stage. “Is it really true?”
“Yep. We’re engaged.” Mike didn’t have time to brace. I leapt up and nearly knocked over the bucket of expensive chilled champagne as I launched myself at him. I dislodged his grip on Alex’s hand, but the movie star would just have to deal. I knew how much this meant to my roomie, how long he had waited, how much he hoped and dreamed Alex would pop the question. I kissed him on the lips and threw my arms around his neck.
“Whoa.” Two other male voices protested.
I pulled back and shot Alex a look. “You’ll have a lifetime to kiss him.” The times I could would soon be few and far between. I could see the writing on the wall. “So when is the big date?” I asked as I returned to my seat. Tears sparkled in my eyes, great big bittersweet ones. I dropped my chin into my hands waiting to be filled in.
“As soon as we can get the necessary paperwork completed,” Alex replied. “Neither one of us needs or wants a big ceremony.”
“We just want to get started on our lives together,” Mike clarified.
“Oh.” I had hoped for a year of planning an elaborate wedding. My bestie had mentioned more than once wanting one. He had a Pinterest board with ideas. They must have compromised. Which left me with no time to prepare to lose my best friend.
“So where will you live?” As if I couldn’t guess.
“LA, probably.” Alex glanced at Mike. Maybe that part wasn’t set in stone. Good. Mike didn’t like the City of Angels any more than I did.
“Have you considered anyplace else?” They probably wouldn’t stay in our duplex long. It was too small for three. The tiny bedrooms had just enough space for the twin beds we had placed in each of them. But if they stayed, at least a while, it would give me more time to adjust. Unless they weren’t planning to stay at all. Maybe they were leaving in the morning. How long did it take to get the necessary paperwork?
My chest grew so tight I could barely breathe. Suddenly, I felt a warm hand on my thigh. Juaquin. I glanced away from the couple as he stroked my thigh. A reassuring touch. I could see the empathy in his eyes. They were as warm as his skin. He wanted me to know he was there. That he understood. He could surely feel the tension in my body. Hear the rising panic in my voice. My lips lifted. I gave him a soft smile. It was real. How could I not give him something real when he was being so understanding? But though real, my eyes stung with a tinge of the bitter truth. Like Mike, he would go soon, too. I was drowning. Those weights around my ankles were pulling me under. Juaquin said he loved me, and I believed him, but I couldn’t accept it. Not with me like this. He deserved better. I might go down, but I refused to take him down with me.
* * *
King
It killed me to sit beside her and watch her pretend to be excited as the couple described plans that would lead her best friend away from her.
“Miriam.” Mike captured her hands. They had started to flutter as Alex had gone into a long and winding explanation about how they were planning to apply for a confidential marriage because of his career. How they had to prove they were already living together in California in order to be approved for the special license that kept their union out of the prying public record.
“Yes?” She blinked at him. She had been trying to clear tears from her eyes since the engagement had been announced. She was fighting them admirably, as well as her evident panic, but it hurt me to watch her struggle and not be able to do anything to help her.
“I won’t go anywhere,” Mike declared. “I’ll stay in the house with you as long as you need me
to stay.” Apparently I wasn’t the only one attuned to her.
“Of course he will,” Alex confirmed. “We’ll make it work. You’ve had a hard time recently. Mike loves you so I love you, too. Whatever it takes to get you better, we’ll gladly do it.”
“I’m fine.” A lie as big as any she had ever told. “Truly.” She removed my hand from her thigh. “I’m a big girl. I can take care of myself. I love that you would be willing to put your lives on hold for me, but it’s not necessary. I have an alarm system. I have a job here. I’m restarting it tonight.” She glanced at her phone as it dinged with an alert. “Oh shit.” She pushed back from her chair. “I need to go.”
“We both need to go.” Mike scooted out from his side of the table opposite us.
“I’ll pay the check.” Alex lifted his hand to get the waiter’s attention.
“I’ll have the Hummer brought around,” I offered.
“Thank you.” Miriam gave me a wobbly smile of gratitude. I preferred her real one, but I hadn’t seen it since Seattle. But I would take what I could get. I stroked a finger down her soft cheek. “I’ll get you there in plenty of time, Reina.” My words and my touch seemed to reassure her.
I slipped past her and made my way to the front of the restaurant. I felt the stares from other tables as we passed them. A rock star. A movie star. And Miriam with her half star from being in the Mile High video. We had created quite the buzz when we had all entered the fancy French restaurant, but we had been left mostly alone in our secluded corner during dinner. Luckily. Fortunately. Because if Miriam had noticeably trembled and hidden behind me when the few well-dressed and well-mannered people had approached and politely asked us for autographs, how was she going to do with the usual crowd at her club?
Chapter Forty-Seven
Miriam
A man of his word, Juaquin had gotten me to Sexxy on time. Too early in fact. I was already dressed or undressed depending on one’s point of view. I sat in a folding chair, the metal cold against my ass and bounced my knees as I waited for my turn on stage. In my little corner, the familiar flurry of activity surrounding me, I watched each girl before me get prepared, her makeup and costume transforming her into her club persona. As each was announced to their signature music, as each came and went I became more and more anxious, and it got closer and closer to my finale.
“You’re on, MJ.” Mike entered the dressing room. No longer in his fancy dinner attire, he now wore only a pair of low slung jeans, but he was just as handsome to me. Just as vital. His half of the living expenses I might be able to make up, but the hole that would be left in my heart without him would never close. And soon he would be gone. My knee stopped bouncing. My body went statue still. The vice gripping my stomach clamped tighter. Tonight wasn’t the best night to prove I was capable of getting on with my life.
To myself or anyone else.
“Miriam.” Mike knelt down in front of me. “You don’t have to do this.”
“It’s my job. Of course I have to do it.”
“You know that’s not what I mean.” He reached up and brushed my hair back over my shoulder. “You’re technically sound. Physically fit. But it’s just too soon. You turned pale as a sheet when those people came at us in the restaurant with their cell cameras. And the way you look right now isn’t any different. It’s best not to go on stage if you’re having any doubts. Plus, there’s a convention in town. There’s a lot of drunk guys. It’s a really rowdy group. Let me go out there and call it off. Trinity and I will cover for you. It’ll be ok.”
“It won’t be though.” I captured his hands and squeezed. “Convention or not, I need to get on with the business of living.” On my own without him to pick up the pieces anymore. Without King’s protection or reassurances. “It might as well be tonight.”
Feigning confidence, I checked my appearance in the mirror one last time avoiding Mike’s eyes that were narrowed in concern and my own as well, knowing my pupils would be dilated with fear.
Out in the hall, I forced my feet to move forward even though the roar of the crowd raised chill bumps on my skin. I hesitated at the edge of stage, started then stopped, then started again by focusing on the music. It became a little easier once I managed to hit my mark on the stage. The spotlight blocked out the shadows in the audience that reminded me of the men that had circled and trapped me. So within a sphere of light, I danced. I pretended the club was empty once more and that the moves I made and the tease I did were all for him. In reality, they were. The reality I built within my mind. My desire. My heart. Those were all his. They had always been his.
The heavy bass, the thumping drums fell off near the end as I stood center stage. The moment of the music I had specifically chosen because it brought the anticipation back down from a crescendo to an intimate level. Now was the invitation to see a hidden part of me. A look over my shoulder and then came the unveiling of my breasts. My body. My choice. Only I couldn’t do it. I didn’t want to do it. I missed my cue. The music ended. Without it, the rattling of glasses, the laughter, the jeering comments rose in my ears. I had given them the buildup, but I had robbed them of the payoff.
Cocktease.
Whore.
Cunt.
They spat out their displeasure. Suddenly, I was right back inside that room surrounded by Campanella’s men hurling insults as they battered me. Panicking, I glanced around wildly, but I couldn’t make out anything but shadows. I couldn’t see anything beyond my small circle of light. I heard the screeching of a couple of chairs being yanked back then a couple of crashes. The jeering comments stopped after that or maybe the ringing in my ears drowned them out.
Real or imagined, I wasn’t sure. I heard footsteps coming toward me. I dropped to my knees and threw my arms up over my head to protect it. The lights, all the lights in the club, came up, but I remained in my defensive position. I couldn’t move. My body was frozen as my heart raced. More footsteps, rapidly approaching heavy ones from somewhere behind me and ones in front. Tears falling, I trembled and collapsed further into myself anticipating the worst.
Only it didn’t come.
This time it didn’t come.
“Miriam. It’s Juaquin, Reina.” I felt a gentle stroke of his fingers across my bowed head. How long had he been doing that? “I’m going to put my arms around you and pick you up. Ok?”
“Yes,” I sobbed. “Please.”
Warmth all around me, strength and shelter. I felt myself being hoisted up. I blinked through the tears and the panic by focusing on King. Throwing my arms around his strong neck, I didn’t burrow into him because I knew no matter what, whether facing real or imagined foes, he would be there to hold and defend me.
I tipped my head back and beamed trust upward, latching onto his handsome face and melding my eyes to his like he was my lifeline.
Because he was.
“Is she ok?” Another touch. Mike. Soft, warm and welcome he rested one of his hands against my shoulder.
“I think so,” Juaquin replied, but his voice sounded funny. Like his expression, it was unsure.
“We shouldn’t have let her go through with it.” Mike’s words were muffled against the thin layer of linen covering my back. He had his cheek pressed against it. I knew because I felt the warmth of his uneven breaths and the wetness of the regret filled tears he shed on my behalf. “What happened here tonight was totally predictable. I avoid being alone in dark parking lots for the same reason. I should have known better.”
“The fault is mine.” Juaquin’s eyes shone brightly. “She’s ultimately my responsibility. She was floundering without making any effort to save herself. I failed her yet again. I should have stopped her. Me, not you.”
“No.” I kept my gaze on Juaquin. Certainly, I wanted to reassure both of them, but I could see that my actions, my refusal to address the problem had hurt him the most. How could he protect me from harm, one of the key components to his psyche, when I had refused him time and time again?
&n
bsp; “What do you mean, no?” Mike’s query rang with incredulousness. “Are you serious? Anyone with half a brain could have seen this coming.”
“That may be true,” I agreed. “But it wasn’t your fault, Mike, and it wasn’t his. The fault is mine.”
I untangled my fingers from Juaquin’s thick hair and brought them to his cheeks instead. I framed his face in my hands. My body no longer trembled. I was surprisingly steady given what had happened and the commotion in the background, the shuffling of patrons’ feet leaving their seats as Trinity and Nance directed them to the box office for a full refund.
I tuned it all out like I had tuned out everything else in my life these past few weeks. Images, conversations, feelings from those days suddenly barreled toward me in a startlingly, jarring, overwhelming release. How many times had Mike and King gently pleaded with me to talk to a therapist? All their words, all their concern, finally penetrated through the self-insulating layers of denial and fear.
“You were right, Juaquin.” His evening stubble prickled the pads of my thumbs as I brushed them back and forth against his skin and stared deeply into his eyes. Full of golden lamplight, the only illumination I required for the step I was about to take. “I’ve been running from my problems instead of addressing them. I don’t want to do that anymore. I need to find someone, a professional someone, to talk to. Will you help me?”
Chapter Forty-Eight
King
“Is she going to be alright?” Mike asked me.
“I think so.” I glanced away from her best friend as I heard the shower shut off.
“She was pretty freaked out at the club.”
“She was. Then she wasn’t.” I spread my hands wide. I couldn’t really explain it. “Maybe she needed the trigger to finally see the truth. Maybe the gentle approach we’ve been using chipped away enough of the denial that she could finally see what she needs to do. Whatever caused it, I couldn’t be more proud of her.”
Scandalous Beat (The Tempest Rock Star series Book 6) Page 25