“What? What do you mean?”
“Just, you know, he seemed interested in getting to know you a little more. Jax is a nice guy, he's got a lot of friends, but he's picky. I've only seen him look at a few girls the way he was looking at you in his kitchen.”
I didn't want Jax's attention, and it confused me why Emma was saying that stuff. She liked him, I could see it in her eyes. Plus, there was something about Brandon...I wanted to be the one to take away the haunted look in his eyes, the one who he told everything to. Finding my own way through the darkness in my mind when I was pulled into it was hard enough, but my heart pulled to Brandon in a way I never wanted and never expected. I couldn't stay so locked inside myself that I missed life passing me by, even if it meant knowing I was letting someone get close to me who seemed he might have just as many demons running through his mind, pulling him into the past exactly like me.
Pulling up to Emma's parents' house I tried to push Brandon out of my mind. Her mom, Jules, answered the door and gave Emma a big hug. Ushering us into the foyer, she had a big smile on her face. “So this must be Kahlen.” It wasn't a question, but since she saw me a couple weeks ago when I took off it made sense she knew who I was.
“Yes, hi Mrs. Lucas, it's so nice to meet you. And I'm really sorry about showing up the last time and getting Brandon upset.” Why? Why in the first five seconds did I have to bring up her son? I stuck my hand out to shake hers, telling myself the little bit of contact was something I could do. She took my hand and pulled me into a hug, telling me to call her Jules.
“Brandon will be okay, I'm sure of it.” Her eyes searched mine, looking for what I wasn't sure, but she sensed something about me like any good mom would. I don't know if she could tell I was closed off to people or I might like her son, either one made me a little uncomfortable.
I smiled, “When I just saw him he seemed okay. I mean, more than okay...he looked good. Not good, like good, but he, well...” Oh. My. Gosh. Diarrhea of the mouth much. Emma giggled behind me and Jules had a beautiful smile on her face. “I'm sorry. He seemed like he was doing fine when we saw him after his run this morning.”
“Kahlen made Brandon breakfast, ma,” she said sweetly.
“I made everyone breakfast, Emma,” shooting daggers at her from my eyes, I hope she got the point to stop speaking. “Then unfortunately I smacked my head into the cabinet, but it's okay.” Pointing to the red welt on the side of my head I saw Jules grimace a little.
“Brandon made sure to check her out personally. In the kitchen. In front of me and Jax,” Emma piped up. If she didn't shut up soon I was going to knock her over.
“You make it sound like he did something out of the ordinary,” I rolled my eyes at her. Turning, directing the conversation to Jules, “He just touched the mark to make sure it wasn't too tender, and had me open my eyes so he could check my pupils I think.”
“And I'm sure the part where he held your other hand was just to keep track of your pulse, right Kahlen?” Those mischievous green eyes looked at me basically laughing all on their own. “There's a lot you don't know about Brandon, but the way he was with you this morning when he thought you were hurt, well he hasn't...” But she was cut short.
“Emma why don't you show Kahlen around the house, and then take her to your room. Thank goodness you are taking some of her clothes sweetie, I was starting to think I was going to have to call hoarders for her,” she laughed to herself. “I'm making lasagna for dinner, and it's family dinner night tonight, don't forget.” I looked questioningly at Emma. “That means you too Kahlen, we'd be happy to have you. Dan will be back in a few hours, and Brandon should be here, well I'm not sure when, but he never misses it.”
“Oh, I wouldn't want to impose. I can head on out when we are done upstairs.” I wanted to stay, I wanted to stay so badly. It would be like being a part of a real family, where you sat down and ate together, and talked about your day and all the things you had going on in your life.
“Just shut it Kahlen, you are staying and that's that. Now get your drop dead gorgeous body up to my room and we can see what you want to take from my closet.” A hopeful look passed from Jules to Emma, though I couldn't read into it any more than that because Emma started yelling at me to move my ass up the stairs.
Her closet was amazing. It was a small walk-in, but with all the built in shelving and drawers it fit so much clothing and shoes in there I couldn't believe what I was looking at. We took our time going through everything and talking. I didn't elaborate much on myself considering there really wasn't much to tell, but Emma told me stories of her and Brandon growing up. Her stories of him seemed so different to the way he was now, but I figured that wasn't my business, and the only person who would make it my business would be him.
Emma said he could play the guitar, and he used to play all the time but now he only played on slow nights at the bar he worked at, or sometimes with the guys on the weekend. They took family vacations every year and Brandon was always the one getting hurt or sick, but he never wanted it to stop him so he'd continue on with everything. She had so many wonderful stories, even if all of them weren't completely happy, they were because all her family was together and they loved each other. It was a foreign concept to me.
After a few hours I was confident my closet had grown tremendously in size. “Thank you so much for doing this Emma, I appreciate it.” I thought about giving her a hug, then chickened out for a couple seconds, then leaned into her and awkwardly wrapped my arms around her. It caught her off guard because she just sat there for a second before returning the hug.
We made our way back out of the closet into her room. It was like a grown-up version of a child's princess room, it was stunning. The walls were a soft lavendar with white moldings at the ceiling, and the walls had the same molding going across it, a little lower than where the middle of the wall would be, and the lower portion of the wall was a darker purple paint that looked like it was covered in lace.
The white four poster bed was huge, the posts going all the way to the ceiling. A mixture of white lace, white silk with small purple rosettes, purple with white rosettes, and plain light purple curtain panels were hung on each of the four rods that went from one poster to another forming a square around her bed. She had so many pillows on her bed I couldn't believe it, but it was clearly for decoration because no one could sleep laying on that many pillows.
There was a white desk with a computer on it over in the corner. A small reading nook, with about a hundred more pillows in all different shapes but in the purple, white, mint green color palette, were next to a floor to ceiling built in book shelf that actually had a small step ladder next to it so she could reach the books at the top. A door on the far side of the room led to a bathroom. The walls were purple and white paisley print, with some mint green splashed throughout, and it looked gorgeous.
“Can you run down stairs and get some cokes from my mom? My throat feels like the Sahara,” she dramatically grabbed her throat acting like it was extremely hard for her to swallow. Laughing, I went out of her room and down the stairs. I heard soft mumbling as I got closer to the kitchen.
“She said you looked at her, like you'd woken up to...just that she, that none of us have ever seen you like that,” Jules voice was hushed.
“Well Emma needs to keep her mouth shut because she doesn't have any idea what she's talking about.” That was definitely Brandon. “You know how Emma gets, she wants to believe whatever will make her happiest, and apparently this is her new project.” His voice sounded a little strained, like he wanted to talk to his mom, but he didn't at the same time.
“What aren't you telling me Brandon?” Her voice was concerned, probably thinking I was some crazy person set to make her daughter disappear.
“Nothin, ma. She's just...Kahlen is different. I don't know what it is about her, and I don't know if it's a good or a bad thing.” He sighed in frustration. Yep, definitely talking about me. “I...I don't know, she just s
eems so much like me when I get...” then his voice stopped. I don't know if he was just at a loss for words, or if his mom knew what he meant. Only problem was I didn't know what he meant by that. I took the silence as my chance to make a little noise so they knew I was coming and not start their conversation back up.
I turned the corner of the kitchen and both their heads turned my direction. Jules gave me a warm smile, but Brandon's face was neutral. He looked like he was going to walk my direction for a second, but adjusted his body firmly in place at the island in the middle of the kitchen. He had showered since I saw him at his apartment, and had on jeans and a plain grey shirt. Messing with the watch on his wrist, he moved and pulled his hand through his hair giving me a peak at his stomach right above his jeans. Taking a couple steps toward him, I was being pulled by an invisible string binding us together.
“Sorry if I interrupted, I seem to do that a lot,” a blush crept across my face as I finally willed my feet to stop moving. My eyes daring to look at Brandon, his intense gaze didn't waiver from mine. “Emma wanted me to grab something to drink.” I smiled being polite, and Jules motioned with her head to Brandon.
“We keep all that in the extra fridge in the basement, so Brandon can take you down there and show you where it is. From here on out you can just help yourself whenever you need something from there sweetie.” She rubbed my shoulder as she commented about having to run to the store because she forgot something she needed for dinner. Brandon kissed her on the cheek as she grabbed her keys and purse off the counter saying goodbye.
“This way,” his tone wasn't as icy as usual, but it still didn't hold the warmth from when he spoke to me ever so briefly this morning in his kitchen. The basement wasn't at all what I'd expected. They had everything finished and the décor was beautiful, from the dark leather couches and chairs, to the big TV sitting on an entertainment center that looked like it was built right into the wall. A pool and foosball table sat over towards one corner. There was a smaller room that had a computer and a bunch of papers scattered across the desk it all sat on. Another door was shut, I assumed it was the laundry room.
“Your parents have a beautiful home. They must work very hard for what they have.”
“You don't have to tell me that, this isn't my place.” Back to the biting my head off. Great. “The fridge is back in there where the laundry room is, it's the unfinished part of the finished basement.” Rolling his eyes he seemed like he wanted to be anywhere but there with me in that moment. He turned to walk back up the stairs.
“Brandon,” my voice was weak and quiet when I needed to sound self-confident and strong. “I really am sorry for everything.” I continued quickly before he could interrupt me or tell me to stop. “I didn't mean to intrude when you were having a private conversation with your mom. Then when you came to my apartment I was surprised, and I don't do well with surprises, as I'm sure you could tell by the tone of my voice. I'm sorry if me being in your apartment earlier bothered you.”
He turned slowly back toward me from the bottom of the stairs. Taking a couple more steps bringing us closer, he looked me up and down and then a smirk replaced the scowl on his face. “I guess you're beautiful when you apologize too.” It was barely above a whisper, but I heard him loud and clear. Brandon closed the rest of the distance between us, his eyes searching mine. “Tell me, Kahlen.”
“What? I don't know what you,” I didn't want to lie to him so I didn't say anything. Something about him and his sister made it seem like they could see clear through me, and I didn't know how that was possible. I had gone all my life without anyone thinking I was anything other than what I said I was. No one ever questioned the scars or bruises, no one ever questioned my behavior or the way I acted around people. Until I moved on the other side of the country where no one knew anything about me, but could apparently sense everything.
“Do you have a boyfriend that's hurting you or something?” I shook my head. “Are you homesick?” My eyes met his and I had to put my fingertips up to my mouth to keep myself from throwing up at the thought of missing where I came from. “So what? You're just really shy and awkward and just plain old don't know how to act around people?” Brandon's tone was sharper this time, and I didn't know why but my eyes teared up. Nothing of what he said was right, but everything he brought up had a flood of memories hitting my brain. I needed it to stop because if I couldn't pull my mind back I was going to really freak out.
Wrapping my arm around my stomach, I willed my omelet to stay securely there. “I...I, um...” What am I going to say? I can't lie to him. Do not lie to him. My vision got spotty, and I clenched my free hand into a fist to help focus and push the darkness back. “I've never had a boyfriend, so no, I'm not being hurt by a boyfriend. I don't have a home, or, well, my home is my apartment. I've lived places before, but I never had a home until I made one for myself, and no, I do not miss my apartment right now.” I kept taking deep breaths, in through my nose out through my mouth, and I'd closed my eyes because somehow, not looking at him made it easier to get everything out. “And, no. I'm not shy or awkward, it just makes me uncomfortable when people touch me. Plus, something about you just throws me off a little.” I opened my eyes back up to see his golden brown ones staring at me, eyebrows knit together in concentration.
I turned and walked away from him, a sad smile on my face, because I didn't want to deal with any more questions right then. I made my way to their unfinished laundry room, which looked finished to me, and grabbed a couple cans of pop. Back in the living room Brandon was gone, I didn't see him on my way to Emma's room, I didn't see him when I purposely went to use the bathroom in the hall at the same moment Emma was using her own, I didn't see him the entire time Emma and I sat in the kitchen helping her mom with dinner.
When it came time to set the table Jules handed Emma four place settings, a sad smile on her face. I didn't need to ask what that meant, it was Brandon. He'd left his parents’ house, was not going to be at their family dinner night, and it was all my fault. I couldn't figure it out though...I'd been honest with him. I made sure specifically not to lie to him, even though I didn't go into all the detail. No matter what I did he kept walking away from me. I guess it was a good thing I had a lot of experience with people not caring and walking away.
Chapter 6
“So, Kahlen,” Emma's dad, who looked so much like an older Brandon I almost couldn't believe it, looked at me quizzically. “Tell us about yourself.” It was a simple enough question, especially from someone who was meeting another person for the first time, a person who their daughter seemed to be friends with.
My mind began replaying my past over for me, mentally answering his question, mocking me. The past was a movie on repeat stuck only in my head. Dark spots clouded my vision, I closed my eyes for a moment, when really I wanted to squeeze them shut so hard until the pictures in my head vanished.
I pushed my emotions down, essentially shutting them off before I got myself into a situation here with Emma and her family only to be rectified by my explaining myself in greater detail than I cared to at the moment. It didn't take away the images from the past, but lessened the distraction they caused me in everyday life, and usually allowed me to still carry on a somewhat normal conversation if I supressed them fast enough. Orientation was a case of me not getting my thoughts under lockdown in time.
Emma tilted her head to the side looking at me, probably noticing the glazed over look in my eyes that replaced any feeling there minutes before. It was fairly obvious, there wasn't anything I could do about how I came off when I shut the emotions down, but I was hoping Dan and Jules wouldn't notice. I slapped on the fake smile I used in instances just like this one.
“What is this dad, the Spanish inquisition? Leave the girl alone.” Emma gave her dad a hard time, but he smiled so lovingly at her it made my heart ache a little. I wanted someone to look at me that way, even if it was only once before I died.
“There's not a whole lot to tell,
really. I grew up out West but wasn't a fan, especially not as I got older. So, when it came time to apply to colleges I wanted something new, somewhere I'd never been but wanted to go, and that had a good school. And here I am.” My smile didn't quite reach my eyes any longer, but what happiness I was showing was genuine because I was happy to be far away from Helen and Chuck.
Jules had a small smile on her face, she constantly looked at Brandon's empty chair throughout dinner. “Well I think that's commendable that you came out here for school and to try it out,” Dan said with a smile. “I hear Brandon was a little rough on you a couple weeks back, but I'm glad you and Emma were able to work things out and stay friends.” He rubbed the top of her hand with his own, a simple yet beautiful sign of affection toward her.
“Yeah, he's a little moody,” I meant it innocently, and I also meant to think it not say it aloud, but all three of them started laughing and nodding their heads.
“Moody is an understatement, Kahlen.” Emma rolled her eyes thinking about her brother, yet it was clear she loved him dearly. I could see the concern in her eyes for him when she was around him, like she was waiting to see something specific, but it was never there.
“What about your folks? Don't they miss you being so far away?” Dan wondered.
“Um, well...they are my foster parents, and no, I don't think they miss me.” Shit. Please let him see how uncomfortable this is making me, please. Pictures of Chuck and Helen were popping into my head left and right now, leading into rapid fire images of everything that used to go on at the house.
“If you don't mind me asking,” he continued. “What happened to your biological parents?” I wanted to scream that yes I did mind. I minded a hell of a fucking lot actually, so much so that I was now digging my nails into my palm just to keep from screaming at the top of my lungs for the flashbacks to go away.
Reckless Mind Page 5