“I don't want you do owe it to me, Kahlen, I want you to want to tell me. Do you want to tell me?” His honey eyes had dark circles under them, his hand was threaded through his hair, his lip trapped between his teeth.
“I honestly don't know, I thought I was going to have more time. Thought we'd be able to get to know each other more, that you would get to know me more before I had to go into my past with you.” My throat was tight from fighting off the tears. I didn't know why, but the more I continued to talk, the more the sinking feeling grew in my stomach.
“It'll all be okay in the end, Kahlen.” Taking strength from his words, and a deep breath that was hard to come by, I started telling him about it all.
Just like with Emma, the beginning was easy to get out. His eyes held my gaze as I told him about being in the foster care system, and moving around a lot all growing up. When I got to the more recent things I choked up, my voice literally wouldn't come out.
“Hey,” he said, his voice wrapped around me like a hug. “I'm here okay, you can tell me.” He left a chaste kiss on my temple, and I continued. I told him how my foster parents always had people around, and if I didn't do what they wanted me to they punished me. Tears pooled in my eyes, I was pulling at the blanket covering my body, thinking if I wrapped myself up enough I'd get warm. Deep down I knew the chill I felt was from the memories of the past, not because I was actually cold.
Brandon held my chin in his hand, moving my face so I looked at him instead. “What do you mean when you say they made you do things?” This was it, the question I knew I'd need to answer, and in more detail than what Emma let me get away with. He would make me tell him everything. The tears that had effectively stayed pooled in my eyes fell now.
“They made me entertain their business connections.” I took a deep breath, trapping what air I could get in my lungs before exhaling long and slow. I repeated this over and over for at least five minutes, all while Brandon lay quietly next to me. His pillow wet from where my tears fell.
“Kahlen? What does that mean?” This was hard for him, I could hear it in his voice. He didn't want to ask, didn't want to make me say what he knew was coming, but I knew he needed to know just as much as I needed to tell him. Maybe I was wrong up to this point thinking we could get close without getting all of this out in the open in the first place. Granted, “Hey, my foster parents used to make me do sexual things to men they brought around, and if I didn't do it they would've killed me,” was a little strong for a first date, but nothing about Brandon and I had followed the norm since we met.
“They made me do sexual things, Brandon. My mouth and lips were put on different men all the time. If I refused they hurt me. If the men complained about it seeming like I wasn't into it, they hurt me. Sometimes they just hurt me because they could. Other times they made me do what they wanted me to in front of a group of men, all waiting for their turn.”
Holy shit. Never, never had I ever thought I would be saying these things aloud. I came here to get away from it all, thought I could push it all to the back of my mind and start over. Never once did I think that I would meet people who could see through me like a pane of glass.
“What did they make you do specifically?” His voice was raw, he sounded angry, or frustrated. It sounded a lot like he always got before he walked away from me in the past. Fear gripped my stomach and twisted relentlessly. I reached out and took his hands in mine, hoping that by holding on to him I could keep him with me.
“They made me,” my voice broke, but I continued. “I touched them, Brandon...sometimes they would get off just with me using my hands, those were the least traumatic times. Other times the men wanted to kiss me, and then they'd,” I was crying now, a lot, I just couldn't get myself to stop.
“Kahlen.” He whispered gently as he pulled me on top of him, wrapping me in his arms. Maybe he was trying to erase or replace the memories I was having with ones of him, and in the moment it took my mind away from the past. But once he released me I was thrown right back into everything I needed to finish telling him.
This part was hard, so hard to get out. I threaded my hand through my hair, and clenched my other hand so tight I felt the previous cuts open in my palm. My breathing came faster, and I pulled my hair until my eyes watered trying to pull back the memories. I wanted to tell him, to be able to speak without feeling like I was reliving it all over again, but I was having a hell of a time with it.
“They'd push my head down on them until I took them in my mouth and got them off that way. How I ever managed,” I took in the scattered breaths my lungs needed, the kind that happened when you were crying so fucking hard you never thought you'd stop or breath right again. “I was never raped. Forced to do so many things I didn't want to, yes. But enduring what I did for four years, and still coming out of it a virgin,” I stopped abruptly. That was meant to be said in a much more happy way, a way that told him I was so relieved, not only to have gotten out of there alive, but to have made it out with at least that much of me left untouched.
“Christ, Kahlen.” He sat up and pulled me to him now, cradling me in his arms. When his lips pressed against mine it was slow, careful. He took his time and was so gentle with me, waiting for me to deepen the kiss. The taste of him on my tongue felt and tasted like everything I knew it would. I was thankful I was there with him.
“There's more,” I said quickly in one of the moments where our lips broke apart. He had an exhausted look on his face, like he couldn't believe there was any way there could possibly be more. “The punishments, well, they weren't just like the normal, you're grounded for a week. I didn't have a phone or TV they took away, it was more physical than that.”
“After everything they did to you, they put their hands on you too?” His question came out quiet, like he didn't want to ask it or hear the answer, not really. But this was no dream, and everything needed to be put out in the open. I nodded my head, and sat up on the bed. Moving to take my shirt off to show him, he placed his hands on me to stop me. “I don't want,” he tried again. “You don't need to,” but I knew what he meant. I didn't need to show him the marks that littered my body, making any man who would see me naked for the rest of my life know, constantly remind them, of what I had been. What I had done. He just pulled me back to him, tucking my head under his chin, and placing a kiss on top of my head.
“Will you stay with me until you have class? I'll drive you again today.” He was asking, but he wasn't. I could feel the way he held on to me, like it was the last time he'd have me in his arms for a while. Really it would only be a couple of hours since he'd need to pick me up from class too. Then he needed to take me back to the community center to pick up my car so I could get to work tonight.
Even after telling him everything, and him responding in a supportive, though not very vocal, way, that horrible gut stabbing feeling was still with me in the pit of my stomach. The feeling you have when you know with one hundrend percent certainty that the other shoe is about to drop. My body was tired though, and in Brandon's warm arms I ended up falling back asleep. Dreams of my past didn't torment me this time though. This time it was dreams of standing in the middle of nowhere, one moment Brandon was there kissing me telling me everything would be okay in the end and to not give up on him. Then next moment his warmth, those whiskey eyes, his smell that made me want to inhale every part of him...it was all just, gone.
***
“Kahlen? Hey, you have class at one, right?” I forced my eyes open, only to see Jax standing over me. Instinctively I reached out to the other side of Brandon's bed, but it was not only empty, but cold which meant he hadn't been there for a while. I nodded my head, but was so confused at what he was doing in here with me. “Cool. It's twelve thirty now, so if you want to get up and ready I can take you to class. Brandon left a note on the counter I saw a while ago saying if he wasn't here to make sure you got to and from class.” Jax laughed a little. “He actually put, 'to and from class for the rest of the semest
er,' which is weird, but that's just how he is sometimes.”
Shaking my head, I just didn't understand. “Yeah I'll get up, and if you can take me to the community center I can pick my car up and get to class on my own. But, I mean, where is he? Did he forget he had to work or something?”
“No, he's off today, He usually has Monday and Tuesday off, bar shifts you know. Working at BrewHouse we make more money working nights and weekends, plus doing the gigs. And sorry, but we won't have enough time to grab your car. I'll be at work when you get out of class, but I already texted Cole and told him to grab you. He works over on 11th at the auto shop over there.”
Jax didn't seem the least bit worried about any of this, nor did it seem like he thought I should be concerned. I nodded my head and got out of the bed to get myself at least semi presentable for class. I told him I needed to run back over to my place to change my clothes, and that I'd be back in five.
I shoved a granola bar in my mouth, and drank a can of pop all while running around my apartment discarding my clothes from yesterday, putting clean underwear and bra on, brushing my teeth while I pulled out a simple dress from my closet and pulled it on. I rinsed my mouth, slipped some sandals on, and made my way back over to his apartment.
He had my bag in his hand, and a can of pop, handing them both over with a smile as we headed to his Jeep. “So, you and Brandon?” Jax was a gorgeous piece of man, not my type, but gorgeous and sweet. I knew why Emma liked him, just not why she held herself back from him. His eyebrows moved up and down insinuating something happened between Brandon and I last night.
Smacking his arm, I shook my head. “Nothing like that happened, Jax. We talked. A lot. Things seem good, like we might actually be able to be friends,” I trailed off wondering again why he didn't wake me up and tell me he had to go somewhere. He pulled into the spot and parked. I opened my door before he got around to my side and he frowned. “Oh geez, not you too. I can open my own door!”
“We know you can, but it's the right thing to do. A gentlemen opens a lady's door for her. You're in the south now, get used to it,” he laughed low, rolling his eyes at me. “Come on or we're going to be late. And yes, I know you can walk yourself to class, but my building is right next to yours, so since we're headed the same way,” he motioned for me to start walking. “Might as well keep each other company.”
Jax told me even though Brandon stopped after getting his associates, he and Cole were still taking classes. He took a full time schedule, Cole was part time. We talked about our majors, mine was social work, he was going into architecture. I couldn't believe that and started asking him all kinds of questions about how well he could draw and how often he did it. Laughing, he told me he drew all the time, a lot for school, and he wished he had more time to do it for pleasure than what he does.
I waved bye to him as I headed off to the left toward my building, and he reminded me to look for Cole when I got out of class. Cole. Right. That would be interesting.
Chapter 12
My first class on Tuesdays was some kind of student information and adjustment class. Basically it was supposed to help us new college kids adjust faster and lessen the amount of failed and dropped classes. It seemed like it was going to be easy, and several times throughout the semester I would meet with my academic counselor to check in and map out the rest of my college life. When I thought about it like that it was overwhelming, so I was going to take it one class, one day at a time.
The second class was English 101, and I was dreadful. Based off of how little I seemed to know being weeks into class, I was surprised I ever passed in high school. English was one class, along with Chemistry, that I would have to continue to focus on and study for. As class got out, I thought the girl smiling at me looked familiar, but I couldn't put the face to a name, so I looked away and continued throwing my stuff back in my bag.
“Hey, you're Kahlen, right?” I looked in the direction of the voice and it was the girl I thought I'd recognized. She must have sensed my confusion because she followed up with, “I'm Becca, we met the other day, Emma introduced us.” A warm friendly smile had me remembering her.
“Yes, I'm so sorry, I'm just a little out of it today.” Laughing, we both made our way out of class. “This class is going to kill me,” I sighed heavily. She said she was an English major, she wanted to teach, and if I ever wanted to buddy up and study to let her know. I thanked her and told her I'd definitely take her up on that.
“Good, lord, that is one fine guy. You're so lucky,” she said almost breathlessly. I followed the direction she looked and my eyes landed on Cole. I let out a small giggle, I was pretty lucky. All of the guys in my circle of friends were insanely good looking, and he was not an exception. Out of nowhere I got a little choked up. I had a circle of friends, people who I truly believed did care about me. I'd never had that before, and was so happy I did now.
As we got closer to Cole I noticed he eyes were locked on me, only me. “Pretty girl,” he said quietly when I was closer, and held his hand out for me to take. When I did he lifted me off the ground in a huge hug, and spun me around. Setting me back down he pushed some of my hair behind my ear and quickly kissed my forehead. My face flushed pink, I wasn't expecting that.
I turned back to Becca, “Cole, you remember Becca, right?” He nodded and said, 'What's up,' to her, and she flushed because of him. Cole seemed to have that effect on most women, even the ones who he'd clearly gotten naked with still fell all over themself when they were around him. We said bye to Becca, and Cole opened the door for me. Jax was right, good southern boys and their manners made me smile.
“How was class?” He got in the car and drove away from campus. I told him English continued to prove to be a problem, and he laughed. “I only have a couple business classes this semester, so I'm pretty happy about that.” He told me the shop he worked at was family owned, and eventually he wanted to take it over from his dad. It was the best shop in town, and Cole loved working on cars, said he had ever since he was little.
“That's awesome, Cole.” He pulled his lip ring between his teeth, then gave me the kind of smile that I could see why so many girls threw themselves at him. “Are your parents happy you'll be taking over the business?” Cole looked at me surprised, like no one had ever asked him that before, or maybe it was he just didn't want to talk about it, I wasn't sure.
“Uh, it's just my dad and I.” He said it matter-of-factly, no emotion about it, but now I wanted to ask him more, find out more about him. I nodded not wanting to push my luck though, and smiled at him as I asked if he was taking me to get my car. Cole just laughed and shook his head no.
We drove for a little while, heading out of the city area we lived in. Cole liked to drive fast, but he was safe, and I had a feeling he drove more careful with me in the car. A sign that said Congaree National Park was posted where he turned in, and we made our way to what seemed like a welcome center for the park.
This time I sat in my seat, and sure enough Cole made his way around and opened my door, taking my hand as he helped me out of the car. Nodding his head to the building, we walked that way, and he was greeted with a big smile from a woman who looked old enough to be our mother's age.
“Colton, hey there sweet boy,” she gave him a big hug and kiss on the cheek. “What are you doing here today? I thought you were just helping out on Saturdays with the canoe tours while Mike was out with the new baby!” Her eyes kept moving to me, then back to Cole, then down to where Cole had his hand gently on the bottom of my back. A huge grin came across her face. “And who might this beautiful young lady be? Don't forget your manners, Colton.” Frowning a little at him, he turned his brilliant smile on her and the frown melted away.
“Aunt Maggie, this is Kahlen Jourdan. Kahlen, this is my Aunt Maggie.” I extended my hand to her and told her it was really nice to meet her. My stomach felt like I kept going over the drop off of a rollercoaster. He brought me here, why I wasn't sure, but he had to know I would meet
someone from his family. “Aunt Maggie is like my mom, she helped my dad raise me.” She looked lovingly at him.
“And a darn good job I did too,” we all laughed, and I looked up at Cole, nudging him with my shoulder into his ribs, and smiled at him. He knew I had more questions about him mentioning it was just him and his dad. Maybe he didn't want to go into the whole story, but he was trying to give me what he could.
“Is it okay if I take her out?” He asked, a gleam of mischief in his eyes. “I'll get her a jacket and take some water and bug spray out with us just in case.” She told him to go ahead, and he took my hand in his leading me to a room back behind the counter. There were a bunch of life jackets, and he found some to fit us both. I doubted he needed one, but was glad he was putting one on with me.
“Cole, what are we doing?” He laughed deep in his throat and told me to just hold my horses, that I'd find out soon enough. I took the bottle of water he handed me, and followed him out the back door. There was a can of bug spray in his hand, and he told me to close my eyes as he sprayed it all over me. Something about seeing Cole, his dark cargo shorts, gray t-shirt, leather bands on his wrists, lip ring, just fucked hair, though I hope that wasn't actually true, and tattoos out here in nature was funny to me. As I laughed I sucked in some bug spray and started coughing like crazy I seriously thought I was going to throw up.
“I told you to keep your eyes and mouth shut,” he laughed at me, and when I cracked one eye open that cute dimple was showing right along with his smile. “You need me to give you mouth to mouth?” Cole raised his eyebrows up and down, and I smacked him on the arm.
“This is your fault! You and your just fucked hair, I can't concentrate,” I laughed and then realized what I'd said and my face burned red with embarrassment as I slapped my hands over my mouth.
“My what?” He laughed so hard now, I thought I saw tears in his eyes. “That's awesome, did you just call my hair style, 'just fucked hair'?” I laughed harder now too, glad he wasn't taking it personally. Then he wrapped me in his arms, lifting me off the ground so we were eye to eye with each other. “I'm glad you're thinking about what my hair would look like after I've just royally given you the time of your fucking life,” his eyes traveled down to my mouth before returning to me staring at him. “And trust me, I would thoroughly work you over, pretty girl, to the point where you would think about me every time you moved for a week, not that I'd let you go a week before I had you again. But I can assure you, this is just how I do my hair, it is not just fucked hair in the literal sense.”
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