Reckless Mind

by Wiginton, Heather

  She called me in studying me as I sat down in the same chair as last time. Picking at my fingernail polish, I stared at my hands trying to figure out how to start this. “How are you doing, Kahlen?” Dr. Hyland asked, my eyes met hers.

  “I think I have a problem.” She was as calm as ever when she asked me if I could explain what I thought my problem was, and I told her everything about Brandon and Cole. When I finished I noticed she had a slight smile on her face.

  “So to sum up today's pop by visit, you are having guy problems?” Well, when she put it like that I felt a little silly. My face turned red, and for a second I almost just got up and left. “Don't be embarrassed Kahlen, I'm glad you stopped by to talk this out.

  “I just don't know what I should do. I mean, I know I've got things to work through, would bringing Cole into my life now make it harder, or would I end up hurting him? Because I don't want either of those things. And when Brandon comes back I have no idea what he's expecting from me. What if the whole time he's away he thinks we'll end up together when he gets back and then he gets here and I'm with Cole and then I send him spiraling off down the horrible path he was on all over again?” I inhaled deep trying to catch my breath, I started to have a bit of a panic attack.

  “Just breathe, sweetie,” Sarah added and reached over and patted my knee. “Let me ask you something, Kahlen, and respond immediately with the first thing that comes to mind. Who do you think about wanting to see when you wake up in the morning?”

  “Cole.”

  “Okay, and who do you think about wishing you were with when you lay down to sleep each night?”

  “Cole.”

  “And who is the miss person that comes to your mind when I ask you who you miss during your day?”

  “Cole.”

  “Who do you feel responsible for, Kahlen?”

  “Brandon.”

  “Who makes you happy and takes care of you?”

  “Cole.”

  “Who makes you feel about yourself how you wished you saw yourself?” Immediately I tear up because the answer was so obvious.

  “Cole,” I said as the tears slipped down my face. “He's the only person who, after telling them what I had been through, looked at me with acceptance. He's the only one who never ran away from me, he's always been there no matter what from the time I met him. Even after I said all those horrible things to him, he gave us both some time and space, and then he came right back to me.”

  “And when you think about Cole, has he hindered or helped you along the path you are on to come to terms with your past?”

  “He's only ever helped me.”

  “And Brandon? Same question?”

  “All he ever did was treat me, not in as bad of a way, but he would make me feel like I did before I left to come here.” And holy fucking shit, this was why they got paid so much money.

  “I think you answered almost everything. The one question still floating around is if bringing Cole into your life in a romantic way would hinder you from moving forward with your recovery, and you are also concerned that you may hurt him, is that right?”

  I nodded in silence. More than anything I was scared. Scared to start something with Cole only to have my demons flare up and push him away. He came back after I pushed him away once, I'm not sure he would do it again.

  “This is my advice. Everyone needs someone, Kahlen. That person you can trust with everything, who stood by you, who sees the real you even when you don't. Everyone needs someone to grow with, someone who will push you to be the best person you can be. Only you know who that person is, Kahlen.”

  “Cole,” his name left my lips automatically. Deep in my heart and soul I knew he was strong enough to stand by my side through all of this, “But am I strong enough to be the woman in his life, the one who could give him everything he needs and deserves?”

  “You can't let your mind go there Kahlen, because just like you are the only one who knows who is best for you, he is a grown man and knows what his heart and mind want for him. You have to leave that part up to him, and from what it seems, this Cole Westwood seems like a brilliant young man.

  My answer to everything you've brought me today is this...if you have the rare opportunity to find someone who makes you the best version of yourself, someone who stands by you through thick and thin, the kind of love that never fades, love that makes you whole, and that completes your soul...you fight for it. Don't let fear ruin your life, Kahlen.”

  I nodded, thanking her for her time and making sure I could still keep an appointment for next week, which she agreed to. Walking to my car I thought about how lucky I was that Dr. Hyland had come into my life when she did.

  Cole would get off work in a half hour or so, so I decided to head over to the shop. I walked in the office for the second time that day, and hoped I didn't see a repeat of earlier. Travis was finishing with a customer as I walked him. He thanked the lady for her business, and when she left he focused in on me.

  “Hey, Kahlen, how are you?” He looked at me knowingly, he knew what I saw earlier and I can only imagine what my face must have looked like. I flushed at the thought of him thinking less of me for how I acted earlier.

  “I'm good, Mr. Westwood,” and tried for my best smile. “I wanted to apologize to you for how I acted here at your shop earlier, it was inappropriate, I hope I didn't cause too much of a scene.” I was wringing my hands between one another, nervous he would think I wasn't good enough for Cole.

  “Awww, sweet girl, don't you worry your pretty little head about that, okay? I've waited a long time to see someone care for my boy the way you obviously do. Take it easy on him though, he's going to mess up, he'll make mistakes, but if he falls for you sweetie, you'll be the first and the last.” Travis wrapped his arm around my shoulders pulling me for a side hug. “Oh, he headed up to his place, so just go on ahead, okay?”

  I smiled, saying goodbye. Cole's dads' words kept repeating over and over, 'you'll be the first and last', what did he mean by that? I was going to ask Cole tonight. He knew an awful lot about me, and I knew so much about him too, but one thing I didn't know about was what his life was like growing up, how many girlfriends had he had, had he ever been in love. That was the kind of knowing Cole I wanted.

  Knocking lightly on the door, I heard him call for me to come in, so I did. The lighting in the place was dim, and as I came further in I saw the table set in candlelight, roses lying over my place at the table. Cole stepped into view coming around the corner from where he must have been in the kitchen. He had on sweatpants that hung low on hips, the v muscles heading further south from his stomach were ridiculously hot, I'm pretty sure I started salivating as I stared. His abs were tight and in shape, and I was right, there were two sparrows swooping down on either side of his chest.

  Cole laughed a little, “See something you like, pretty girl?” Even though he was the one standing there half dressed, by the look in his eyes he was stripping every piece of clothing off of me, I might as well have been standing there naked. “Come here, you're too far away,” he motioned me to him with his hands, and took off running, throwing myself in his arms and wrapping mine around his neck.

  He buried his nose in my neck running it up and down as he breathed deeply. “I don't know what it is, but the smell of you literally drives me crazy wanting you.” Gently he sent me back down on my feet and told me to sit and relax, he was pulling dinner out of the oven. When I asked if he was going to put a shirt on so I could focus while I was around him he smiled and I caught a glimpse of that dimple that melted my heart.

  “I thought I'd leave it off, you know, easy access later,” he wiggled his eyebrows up and down. I picked up the pillow off the couch and chucked it at him successfully hitting him in the back of the head. “Oh you want to have a pillow fight? I'm game,” he said and started moving quickly my direction.

  “No. No, no, no, no,” I went to move away from him but he was too damn fast. He grabbed me up and swung me over h
is shoulder, one hand behind my knees, the other placed possessively over my ass. “Cole, no, I was playing around, where are you taking me?” I laughed and smacked his lower back all at the same time, yelling for him to set me down.

  He set me down on my chair in the kitchen and told me not to move, that he was bringing dinner out. Setting the bowl of salad down first, he returned with what looked like stuffed shells and marinara sauce, and my stomach growled in response. “This is great, Cole, thank you for this.” He pulled his lip ring between his teeth and suddenly all I wanted to do was pull it between mine.

  “I'm sorry about earlier, Kahlen. It wasn't anything, I swear to you, I just honestly don't even notice when girls are doing it anymore.” Giving me a small frown shrugging his shoulders, he really did look like he felt bad.

  “Don't apologize, I overreacted, and I'm sorry for that.”

  “You didn't overreact. I told you when you were ready I was in this one hundred percent whenever you could give me the same. When I said that I didn't mean I was going to keep going around and fucking girls until you were ready to be with me. I promise you, with everything I have, I have not hooked up with anyone since the night we met at the party...not that night, and not one time since.”

  “But you usually sleep with girls a lot right?” I didn't want to know really, but this was part of the getting to know the more intimate parts of Cole conversation I wanted to have tonight. He must not have wanted to answer, or he didn't like the way the conversation was going, because he wasn't looking at me when he nodded. “But you're always safe, right? There's no little Westwood running around anywhere I need to know about? And you get tested so you're clean?”

  “Yeah I've always been safe, there's no little me's running around anywhere, and I get tested every six months, clean every time. Your mind seems to be focused on something pretty specific tonight, pretty girl.” He raised his eyebrows, laughing at me when my face turned a brilliant shade of red.

  We finished our dinner and it was so good, that man can cook. He cleared the table and walked toward me, his eyes locked on mine. I'm not sure I've seen a man sexier than him, and the way he sauntered over, shirt still missing, sweats still hanging dangerous low on those narrow hips, I started to feel a need building deep in me for him.

  In one swift move, Cole bent down and scooped me up into his arms, taking me past the living room down the hall to the left from where the front door was. We passed what I assumed was the bathroom, and then there were two doors side by side at the end of the hallway. He walked in through the opened one, and flipped on the lights.

  “Oh my gosh, Cole.” I whispered as I took in Cole's bedroom. He must have knocked down the wall that would've separated one room into two separate rooms, because this was a serious master bedroom. The far right end was set up almost like a mini living room. He had a TV mounted on the wall, a couch and an oversized chair, much like the one in my living room.

  Next to the living room was a door that looked like it led to the bathroom, but after looking closer it seemed to be a small weight room. To the left when you walked in was a bed pushed up against the center of the wall, end table on either side with lamps adorning them. Then next to that was a door leading to the bathroom. There was a smaller door that must be a closet because Cole didn't have a dresser out by his bed.

  He went to his bed, which by the way happened to be the biggest bed I'd ever laid eyes on, and laid me down carefully. “Make yourself at home, I'll be right back. He walked over to the living room area and opened a fridge I hadn't noticed bringing me my favorite pop, and he had a beer for himself. “You're more than welcome to one if you want, I wasn't one to wait until I was twenty one, so you just let me know, okay?” I nodded, but I think he knew I would be fine with the pop.

  “Hey, Cole, can I talk to you about something?” I stretched out on his bed, and he turned and laid down facing me when I'd asked him. He told me I could ask him anything. “Can you tell me about you growing up? Your dad seems amazing, and the guys in the shop seem like a kind of family for the both of you, but I want to know it all.”

  “You know all about growing up and having it hard, but I'm telling you it's not a part of my life I like going into.” He ran his hand through his messy hair and looked away from me. Great, now I'd ruined this really special evening we were having all because I felt I had some right to know more about him than what he had been willing to tell me so far.

  “I'm sorry, Cole. It's not my business, forget I even asked, okay. I don't want to ruin the night.” I leaned over and placed a tender kiss on his full lips, holding the side of his face with my hand. I wanted him to know I was here no matter what, whether he told me all the details of everything or not.

  “Growing up I knew my mom wasn't like other mom's when I started school. The other kids' moms would take them to school, hug and kiss them, tell them to have a good day. My dad would wake me up in the morning, get me ready for school, and drop me at the bus stop before coming here to the shop to open up for the day.

  I always had to be quiet when I got home from school, because if I wasn't it would set her off and she yelled at me to go to my room, she couldn't think around me. I always thought it was something I had done that upset her.”

  Cole shook his head, his mind taking him back to those specific times and places. I threaded my fingers threw his and held his hand tight, letting him know I was here for him.

  “When I was a little older I noticed she started to get even more erratic. Some days she would be so happy, she would wake up and make me breakfast and wish me a good day at school, but not even a week later she would be screaming at me, sleeping all day, and not wanting to move from her bed for days.”

  “She was sick?”

  “Yeah, she was sick, pretty girl. She had bi-polar disorder, and one day it just got too much for her to deal with and she killed herself. When I got home from school I went into the kitchen to get something to eat and I found her.”

  My heart was breaking right now for him. Cole's voice cracked as he continued, and he shut his eyes but not before I saw them welling up with tears.

  “She was in a pool of her own blood, Kahlen. Her wrists were slit open, the knife covered in her blood lay there loosely in her hand, and she was gone. I knew she was different than the other moms, but I loved her. Every day I woke up I prayed for it to be a good day so I could see the way she really was, but in the end the disease took her.”

  Tears fell from his closed eyes. I leaned over him and kissed those tears away. Moving my lips to his ear I whispered, “You are a great man, Cole Westwood. I know what you are afraid of, but even if that ever happens her choice is not your fate, do you hear me? You are brilliant, talented, educated, and fucking sexy as hell, and nothing, I mean I nothing, will stop you from living the life you deserve and achieving all yours dreams.”

  His eyes opened and he looked at me like I was what held him to the earth, I was his gravity. I inhaled sharply in surprise as Cole rolled over on top of me, grabbing the backs of my thighs and spreading my legs slightly so his aroused body connected with mine just where I wanted it to.

  I ran my hands up through his hair and brought his lips down to mine. A groan left his lips and the sound of it lit something inside me that could only be put out by him. My body arched against Cole's body, he swallowed the moan that left my mouth as his tongue moved across mine intently. His lips and tongue slowly moved down my throat, and he pulled his teeth gently back up, capturing my mouth with his again.

  I had an ache building deep in my stomach, and I moved against him again, wanting more of him. A sweet low chuckle left his lips, he knew what he was doing to me, knew he was building me up with no release in sight.

  “Say you'll be mine, pretty girl,” He pulled back and gazed into my eyes, his hand slowly moving underneath my shirt, palm lying flat over the bare skin of my stomach. “I know you don't think you're ready for a relationship, but I'm good for you, I promise. I'll support you when you n
eed it, if you want space I will give you that too.”

  I smiled at him. He was saying he would give me everything Dr. Hyland told me a good man would. “I'll lick your entire body to set your skin on fire, just so I can slip inside you and ignite the fire even more before bringing you to the edge and falling off it with you. I wasn't lying when I said you weren't a joke to me. You are the most real thing I've ever let myself want my entire life.”

  “Yes,” I whispered.

  His eyes grew wide, it gave him such boyish charm, and those barely there green eyes had me hooked. “Yes?” He whispered back like he couldn't believe what I'd just said. I had a huge smile on my face when I nodded at him. “We don't have to do anything, you know, tonight. But please tell me you'll stay with me.”

  “I'll stay with you, baby,” and I think that last word set Cole off again. His lips were intense, almost frantic on mine. He moved himself against me, lips moving down my neck to the tops of my breasts, back to my mouth again where his tongue moved over mine sensuously. Cole kissed me so long I thought I'd gotten drunk off of his taste.

  Then he grabbed one of his t-shirts for me, took my shorts and my t-shirt off, slipping his clothes on me. A satisfied smile broke out on his face, as he pulled his lip ring into his mouth. “Better than I'd even imagined you'd look in my shirt.”

  He pulled down the blankets and settled us under them. His arms pulled me close and securely held me against his body. I laid my head on his bare chest and drew small circular patterns on his bare abs, my eyes getting heavy. Cole kissed the top of my head, telling me to sleep, and as long as I was with him he'd never let anything hurt me again.

  Chapter 19

  I woke up to Cole singing softly in my ear. Immediately I recognized the lyrics from Give Me Love, I was a little obsessed over Ed Sheeran. Cole's voice made me catch my breath, he was amazing. He shifted slightly, pulling me closer not knowing I was already awake, eliminating any space between our bodies. Warmth radiated from him, his breath caressed my cheek, and I couldn't help but place a kiss over his heart.