Chapter Fourteen
Unaccustomed to feeling out of control, as soon as Jamie delivered Helen to the keep, he blindly chose a horse and made for the one place that restored his peace of mind, Sands Airgid. Silver Sands, the manor house and surrounding lands that had once belonged to his father and had been earned back by Jamie’s hard work for Alex and his clan.
The place was named after the fine sand that graced the shoreline on the north end of his property. In high summer, it resembled the color of spider webs under the moonlight. Twas believed that was the season for selkies to come ashore, and some men would wait for days, hoping to catch one.
The place had always stayed close to his heart…
He paused, listening. Yes, that was the sound of hoof beats. Someone was following him on horseback. He stopped and waited for them to catch up. Kuresh! How had he known?
“Why did you ride off without letting me know you were leaving?” Kuresh asked, looking disappointed.
“I doona answer to anyone.”
“I’m your friend.”
Jamie couldna fault him for worrying. “I am sorry. That woman…”
“I watched the two of you together. You cannot blame her, Jamie. She’s innocent.”
“Tis why I am out here and not back at the keep with her. She makes me want forbidden things.”
Kuresh’s dark brows rose in question. “Nothing is forbidden to a MacKay. You are a nobleman. Equal to her.”
“In a way, aye. But I am no a laird.”
“By your own choice.”
“What do ye mean?”
“How many times have we discussed the chance of you establishing your own clan?”
Jamie huffed out a breath. “I willna discuss it here and now. Tis an unattainable dream.”
“I disagree.”
“If ye canna be quiet about it, turn around and ride back to the keep. I prefer being alone with my thoughts.”
Kuresh nodded. “As you wish, Master Jamie. But I will always be close, remember that.” He rode away.
Sometime later, Jamie rode through the open gates, greeted by his guards who were busy practicing with their weapons.
“Jamie,” Crannog, one of his captains, said as he approached. “I dinna expect ye so soon.”
A stable lad took the reigns of his horse as he dismounted. “I’m hungrier than a beast,” Jamie said. “Tell me there is fresh meat and bread, ale to be had.” He gripped Crannog’s forearm.
“Evan felled a stag a couple of days ago. Where is Kuresh?” The captain stared beyond Jamie.
“He doesna know I left the MacKay keep.”
“Jamie. For yer own safety, for the future of the people that rely on ye here…”
“I have heard it many times before.” Jamie dinna want to be chastised by his friend, he wanted to drink and forget, to make love to a woman he could take to his bed without feeling guilty for doing it.
“Tis the way of the world,” Crannog said. “If we are ever to gain the blessing of Laird Alex and form our own branch of Clan MacKay, ye must demonstrate the ability to make wise choices, to value yerself, to accept the responsibility of not travelling alone, of not making yerself an easy target for our enemies.”
“Doona mistake me for a soft man like my cousin, Laird John, God rest his soul.”
“Why have ye really returned?” Crannog asked. “Ye are in a black mood.”
Jamie sucked in a breath, tempted to tell all. “There are things in this world a man canna have, and I chose to distance myself from it.”
Crannog cocked his head, eyeing him. “Is this about the Sutherland woman?”
Jamie dinna like that word about Lady Helen had already reached his home. What other rumors were being spread? “Tis about all women,” Jamie said.
“All women?” Crannog repeated. “With ye? I doona believe it. It would take a certain kind of woman to tie ye up in knots inside. And from what I hear, that lady has golden hair like a Valkyrie and the eyes of an angel.”
He wouldna bring shame upon Helen, but his captain knew him too well. “I would be a liar if I denied the lass has affected me in ways I am not used to.”
Crannog laughed heartily and slapped his master on the back. “Why do ye think I refused to marry Merry MacDonald all those years ago? With one look from that crazed lass I knew my life would never be my own again. Tis better to keep a màthair. At least she knows what her duties are, and in the morn, she leaves ye alone.”
Jamie dinna want Lady Helen to leave him alone. In fact, he hated himself for abandoning her at the doors of the keep. He’d run away like a scared child, unable to face the reality of how she affected him. He couldna imagine what it would be like to spend even more time around her, to get to know her, share his secrets with her, and learn what made her the proud woman she was. Intimacy put the fear of God in Jamie. Not bedding a lass. He knew how to make a woman sigh, how to leave her wanting more—all of him.
With Helen, though he had wanted to lift her skirts and make passionate love to her by the loch, honor and caring held him back. He wouldna take her innocence unless he did the right thing by her. And the thought of committing himself to one woman for the rest of his life, no matter how beautiful and intelligent, no matter how charitable and kind she might be, wasn’t enough to convince him to marry. Not yet.
Twas better to escape before he was sucked deeper into her life.
And the chances of her powerful father, the Earl of Sutherland, letting her stay with the MacKays, was a fantasy. The man would use all of his influence to reclaim his daughter and marry her off to the bastard Jamie had come to hate over the last few days—Laird Baran Munroe.
He’d never wanted to kill a man he dinna know before. Aye, he’d met him once at a meeting of the northern clans. It had only taken a few minutes to realize the kind of violence Munroe was capable of.
“Is she as beautiful as they say?” Crannog asked as they walked inside the manor house.
Before Jamie could answer, he looked about, appreciating the refinement of his great hall. He’d entrusted the women from the MacKay keep to decorate his home. Everything was new, from the sturdy and elaborately carved trestle tables, the matching, leather-padded, high-back chairs, the thick furs on the stone floor, the elaborate tapestries on the walls—some brought back from Constantinople—to the pure silver candle stands displayed on the spacious dais where the high table stood.
Two hearths warmed the hall, the fires bright and inviting. An array of comfortable chairs and benches were arranged around the hearths, places where the men could gather in the evening and discuss whatever business they had. Jamie had spared no cost furnishing his home. He would not have it said that he dinna deserve this place. Even the gray stones that formed the walls had been scrubbed to near newness, making visible the unique vein of blue that ran through the stones.
“Ye look as if ye’re seeing this place for the first time,” his captain observed.
“It feels like it,” Jamie admitted, walking deeper into the hall. “I am a proud man. And I think my da and ma would approve of everything we did to reestablish their old home.”
“I knew yer sire well. I remember this house. Aye, he is likely smiling down from heaven.”
Jamie stepped onto the dais and claimed the laird’s chair at the center of the high table, inviting Crannog to sit to his right.
Several maids hurried into the hall carrying trenchers filled with roasted venison and smoked haddock, onions and pickled cabbage, bread and butter, roasted nuts, and ale. One placed a silver platter in front of Jamie, then a pewter one in front of his captain. Choosing a piece of backstrap, Jamie tasted the meat, savoring the flavor of the seasoned juice. He smiled at his friend as he washed the meat down with a swallow of ale.
“A man could get used to this,” Jamie said.
“The MacKays have flourished under Laird Alex’s care, and now yers.”
“If it weren’t for the trip to Constantinople…”
Crannog shook his head.
“Nay, Jamie, ye would have found a way to get yer home back. Ye and Alex canna spend a lifetime sharing power. A man can only serve one master.”
Jamie frowned. “I doona share power with my cousin. He is laird over the MacKays.”
Crannog drummed his fingers on the table, looking unconvinced. “How many times will ye deny yer ancestral right to form a new branch of the MacKay clan? The men serving ye support it. I support it. And in the back of yer stubborn mind, ye know it’s the right thing to do.”
Truth was hard to swallow sometimes, and Jamie knew it well. Many people had planted that seed in his mind over the last few years. He wasna a follower. His father had groomed him to be a leader, a laird. And Sands Airgid, though not as extensive a holding as Alex’s keep and lands, was self-sufficient, with fertile farming land, a loch and river, and miles of coastline that allowed his men to provide fresh fish to supplement their food stores.
Some of his neighbors were not as prosperous. The MacKays had grown stronger and wealthier over the last three years. Jamie wanted to build on that, to expand MacKay holdings, to provide strong defenses against the Sutherlands and their allies in case another war broke out.
“Ye need a wife,” Crannog said.
“Like I need a hole in my head.”
His friend laughed and lifted his drinking vessel in salute. “A woman might not give ye a hole in the head, but she’ll give ye a hole in yer heart, if ye choose the wrong one.”
As Jamie considered Crannog’s words, he couldna help thinking of the soothsayer from Constantinople. She’d foreseen his future, knew he had ambitions and what they were exactly. The biggest deterrent? Laird Alex MacKay, his beloved cousin—brother—friend. Would he take such a request as a betrayal? A threat? Or would he see the wisdom in it?
Just as he was about to get up, he heard someone moving behind the curtains on the other side of the room. He looked at Crannog. His captain drew his sword and quickly moved to where the noise came from. But when Crannog parted the curtains, no one was there.
“Mice?” Jamie asked, knowing better. All keeps had spies.
“Nay,” Crannog said, walking back to the table. “A pair of secret lovers.”
“Who happened to overhear our conversation.” That’s what concerned Jamie the most. If word ever reached Alex, his cousin would never forgive him.
There were four other MacKay branches. And before Alex reluctantly accepted the lairdship, he’d almost agreed to let the largest absorb Laird John’s holdings. Things had grown that desolate.
Jamie had sworn to never let that happen again. That’s why he spent so much time with Alex instead of at home. With the birth of Alex’s twins, however, his son guaranteed the MacKay lineage would continue.
Jamie’s presence dinna seem necessary any longer. And whenever he could, Alex encouraged Jamie to go home. Why? To be rid of him? Or to allow Jamie time to grow his own family and clan?
Maybe the two of them were thinking alike but had never discussed it out of fear of what the other would say or do. Beyond that, Jamie’s birthright, his mother a cousin to the English king, demanded he seek greater position than just being the head of Alex’s army. A man that dinna know his place could die an early death in the Highlands, that’s what Jamie’s da always said. But then when no one was about, he’d tell Jamie to accomplish more than he had.
Jamie’s sire was a second son. He’d married well, gained land and wealth by way of his mother’s dowry. And Jamie must do the same if he wanted to build a new clan. Marry for purpose not love. Which excluded Lady Helen as a potential wife, for if Jamie spent too much time with her, his heart would make him weak, that much he knew.
Chapter Fifteen
“Do ye promise not to tell yer husband?” Helen asked Keely while they were alone in the women’s solar the day after Jamie left.
Keely had made the space, located on the second floor, as elegant and comfortable as Helen’s own solar at Dunrobin Castle. A single, arched window allowed natural light to flood in. On the opposite wall was a stone hearth. Above the hearth hung a tapestry honoring Clan Oliphant, Keely’s father’s clan. A trestle table with an embroidered tablecloth and padded benches graced the center of the room. Weaving and embroidery materials were kept in baskets along the north wall. A tray of food and wine was set out on a smaller table in the corner.
“Secrets can hurt a marriage,” Keely told her. “I learned the hard way. But I also value the honesty and trust ye and I share. Is it shameful that Jamie has expressed interest in ye?”
Helen stood up from the trestle table and folded her arms across her chest. “He wishes me to stay away.”
“I doona believe him. I think ye present a challenge, make him think about things he hasna considered in a long time.”
“I asked if we could remain friends.”
Keely gave her a sideways look. “Helen, a man like Jamie doesna want to be yer friend—any woman’s friend.”
That news disappointed Helen greatly. “There’ve been other women, then? That he’s cared about?”
Keely set her embroidery aside. “Of course,” she said without hesitation. “He’s travelled halfway around the world, met many people, done many things. He’s a hot-blooded Highland warrior. Would ye expect any less?”
“No,” she answered regretfully. “I have no adventures to speak of, no great accomplishments to share. To an experienced man such as Jamie, I must appear no different than a child.”
“Why are ye so hard on yerself, Helen?”
“Because I wish for so much more than I have.”
“Ye are not alone.”
“I know.” She reached across the table and squeezed Keely’s hand appreciatively. “I am sorry if I sound selfish. It’s just…”
“What?”
“While we kissed…”
“He kissed ye?”
Helen felt her cheeks blush. “Twas more than a mere kiss.”
“Alex wouldna approve. And I am not sure…”
“Nay,” Helen said. “I wanted him to kiss me.”
“Ye did?”
“I am one-and-twenty, Keely. I have never been alone with a man, never been permitted to speak with one as I have Master Jamie, and I surely have never had the benefit of a man’s romantic attention.”
“Only because yer father wished the best for ye.”
Helen couldna help laughing. “The best for him, Keely. He guarded my virtue so he could marry me off to a powerful laird, not because he really cares.”
“I doona believe that. Somewhere underneath all his blustering, he is still yer father. Remember my own sire is set in his ways.”
“I want to believe it. But after my mother died, he changed. He tried to forget about her, took a mistress a week after. To this day, the servants whisper about it, especially when he shows interest in a new woman. I doona wish to marry a man like that.”
“I promise ye one thing,” Keely said. “Jamie isna that kind of man. And if ye stirred his emotions as much as ye have said, then I wouldna worry. He will return.”
“Even if he is different, it willna change anything, especially who I am. Perhaps it is time for me to send my father a missive, sparing Laird Alex the task. I am the one who ran away. It’s my responsibility to tell him why.”
Keely walked around the trestle table and stood in front of Helen. “I am proud of ye. The woman I met seven years ago wouldna have had the courage to say it.”
“Nay?”
“Nay,” Keely assured her.
“I wish to speak with Laird Alex.”
“Before I take ye to him, remember the feast to honor my children is in five days. I hope ye still wish to be my son and daughter’s godmother.”
Nothing could dissuade Helen from accepting that honor. Those two sweet babes were the one thing that made it worth leaving Dunrobin. Any time spent with Keely and her family would become part of Helen’s favorite memories, even if she had to marry Baran Munroe.
“Aye,” she said with
enthusiasm. “I have verra special plans for John and Rebecca.” She smiled.
“I am so pleased.” Keely embraced her. “Now let us see about Alex. I am sure he willna keep ye from writing to yer sire.”
They found Alex in his solar with Petro.
“Come in,” Alex stood and bowed. “What brings ye belowstairs at this time of day, dear wife?”
“A special favor,” she answered, going directly to her husband and accepting a kiss on the cheek.
“Ask anything of me.”
Helen adored the way Alex and Keely spoke to and gazed at each other with such love and admiration. She could feel the heat between them, and it almost stole her breath.
“After I spoke with Lady Helen, she determined it would be best if she penned the missive to the Earl of Sutherland, not ye.”
Alex sat down again, almost as if he’d been forced to. “Ye caught me off guard, sweet wife.”
“I dinna mean to, Alex.”
Alex looked to Petro. “Always full of surprises.”
Petro grinned. “Tis why she is the perfect Lady MacKay.”
“What changed yer mind about me writing to yer father?” Alex asked Helen.
She moved deeper into the large chamber. “Time to think about everything,” she said. “I’ve let people make decisions for me all my life, Laird Alex. For once, I would like the earl to respect me, even if he thinks I’m wrong.”
Alex folded his hands on top of his table and leaned forward. “Yer father will most assuredly believe ye wrong. Are ye prepared if he sends yer brothers and an army to recover ye? For if ye start the conversation with him, Lady Helen, ye must face the consequences when he shows up to get a direct explanation for yer actions.”
Helen tried to ease the tension between her shoulders as she considered Alex’s warning. Every time she thought about her sire, her neck muscles tightened up and she felt like she was carrying the weight of the world on her back. At least she had gotten past the part where her throat went dry and she couldna find the right words to say. But in truth, the idea of facing the earl made her want to hide in her bedchamber.
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