Kathryn caught his gaze when he glanced up, his eyes red, his face blotchy under the scruff of his darkened jawline. Her presence was no longer needed. “I’ll just be…” She pointed to the door and left to give him some privacy.
It would’ve been better for Ben’s nerves if she had stayed. He didn’t want to be left alone here. He thought about running after her, but he’d already shown himself for the pathetic weakling that he was. Crying on her shoulder? That had to be some kind of sick cliché somewhere. He sniffed the embarrassment down.
“Ben?”
“Yeah. I’m here. We just got him moved.”
“How is he?” Misty asked as Kathryn came back out, trying to come up with enough paperwork to do that she would never have to think about how horrible that was.
“Not good.” She glanced back at the door, feeling her own heart splintering into sharp shards. With a sigh, she shook her head. “Sometimes I really hate this job, you know that?”
Misty reached across the desk and patted her arm, which only brought up anger in the face of the helplessness. “They’re lucky to have you.”
“Sometimes I really wish I could do more.”
“They don’t need more. They just need someone to care.”
Memories of Mrs. Baker and her granddaughters slipped across her heart, and overwhelming grief swamped her. “I think I’m going to go down to the chapel for a few minutes. If you need me…”
Misty nodded. She’d seen Kathryn like this on more than one occasion. She’d even asked a couple times about Kathryn’s trips to the chapel. After awhile, the nurses all had come to take these visits in stride. They were just a part of Kathryn and how she chose to cope with the difficulties of her job.
She walked down the hallway that separated the two units and in the middle, she turned and went into the chapel. The lighting was soft and reflected off of the reddish-brown wood of the pews. There were only seven benches on each side of the small aisle. She took a seat in the back one by the stained glass window on the opposite side of the door in case anyone who needed to get closer came in.
Her heart was so very heavy with grief and helplessness. It panged forward, aching with the understanding of how useless she really was in the face of all of this. She wanted to make a difference. She wanted to ease the pain. But how could anyone do that? She, of all people, knew how little anyone else could really do.
She swiped at the tears now sliding down her face. “God,” she said softly, “I know You have a plan. I know You do, and I really believe that, but I have to be honest, this really hurts. It really does. These are good people, God. Why do they have to suffer so much?”
Reaching over, she snagged up a couple of tissues and wiped her eyes. As she sat there, the words of hurt and anger still pouring from her heart, her gaze slipped up to the crucifix. She looked into the sorrowful, anguished face of her Savior. “You know, huh? You do. You know what we’re going through. You watched Your Son suffer and die. I’ve got to tell You, God. It never gets any easier. I thought it would. It doesn’t…”
The snap of the door sent her gaze scurrying downward and her words into silent mode. If the families knew she came in here and talked to God out loud, they might think she’d truly lost it. They didn’t need thinking she had sanity issues. They had enough to deal with.
She was sitting over in the corner. Ben glanced up at the huge, ugly rendition of Jesus on the cross at the front of the room. He hated those things. They creeped him out. After only one glance up, he turned his steps to where she sat, questioning every step. They’d said she was here, and she was. He thought, though, now that he was here he really shouldn’t disturb her. Not like this. However, his heart kept dragging him forward as if it wasn’t even listening to his head. Two steps from her, he took a deep breath to steady his nerves and to keep him from running outright.
At that moment, her gaze jerked up to him as she caught the movement of his approach. In a heartbeat she was on her feet, swiping at her eyes. “Oh. I’m… I’m sorry. Did you need something?”
The look of pure anguish on her face stopped him cold. It was unshrouded agony such that he had never seen. Somehow until that very moment he had seen her as invincible. The truth stunned him to the core. “Oh. Um.” He had no idea what words came after that. All he knew was how much she had done for him and how badly it hurt his heart to see her so sad.
He stumbled through what he should do, what he could say, standing there five feet from her as she sniffed and swiped at the tears tracing down her beautiful face. Not knowing what else to do, he put one arm out to her, to touch her or comfort her or something, but the gesture had no certainty that he should. For a single second she looked at him with pure panic, but he had already made the decision. With one more step, he collected her into his arms. She stiffened at his touch, and for a second he thought he had made a horrendous mistake. But then with no more warning, she melded into him as her grief once again spilled over its banks. She clung to him, and he held her there. Putting his head down next to hers, their tears mingled into one.
He cupped the back of her head with his hand as eternity slipped through itself. They stood together in the shaft of light streaming in from the stained glass window on the other side of the pew. He could do no more, so he just held her and hoped that was enough. She fit snuggly in the circle of his arms, and he closed his eyes, needing the hug as much as she did.
After many more minutes, she finally sniffed and pulled back, still swiping at her eyes, clearly reaching for normal and stable. “I’m sorry. Um. Did you… did you need something?” She took a full step backward, looking truly unsteady. Her breath came in ragged, uneven jerks.
Still in the trance of the hug, he reached over, touched her hair, and pushed it back over her shoulder. “Just…” It took another breath to settle the words. “I just wanted to say thanks for everything you’ve done.”
“Oh.” She swiped the tears from her cheeks and smiled, obviously fighting to make him forget the past few minutes, but he would never forget. Never. “You’re welcome.”
The next moment passed between them as he stood there, looking at her, knowing and yet not at all able to say how. The truth was he should let her go. She had work to do, and yet somehow he couldn’t.
He had no right to ask, but he glanced down at the pew just the same. “Can we talk?”
She glanced around nervously. “We could go to my office if you’d rather.”
There was a time he would have jumped at that chance. Somehow this was not that time. “I’d rather stay if you don’t mind.”
“Oh.” Quickly she nodded clearly trying to get the mask of professional snapped back over herself. “Okay.” She backed up and made room for him in the pew.
He followed her down, feeling her gaze on him, and not at all sure of anything anymore. Life was sliding around him in surreal patterns he didn’t recognize. Words jammed into his mind, making no sense whatsoever. He glanced over at her and laughed softly. What was he doing here anyway? How was he suddenly sitting in a church, wanting to ask questions he’d never even known were a part of him?
“It’s okay,” she said softly. “Whatever it is. It’s better to just say it and get it out.”
It was so strange how he knew he was not being judged by her though he would feel better if that statue thing wasn’t staring down at him. “You…” He glanced up at the thing hanging on the wall. “Um, do you come here often?” It wasn’t until it was out that he realized how incredibly stupid that sounded. He closed his eyes, knowing she was going to think he was an idiot.
“Actually, yeah.” Her gaze went to her lap. “I do.”
His gaze swept over to her when he realized she wasn’t laughing at him.
She sniffed. “Some days it’s the only thing that keeps me sane.”
Strangely he felt for her in a way he wasn’t sure he’d ever felt for anyone else. “Like today?”
One small nod, and she pursed her lips together in a ti
ght smile. “Sometimes it gets really hard to keep your arms open.”
That scraped across his understanding. “Your arms?”
There was only the smallest of smiles in her eyes when she looked up at him. Then her gaze fell back to her hands on her lap. Although he really wanted her to explain, he sat watching her as she blew out a hard breath and looked up at the cross. He refused to follow her gaze. It was better for him not to look. A moment, a sniff, and her gaze fell back to her hands.
“Sometimes I think that’s why they nailed His hands to the cross.”
“Why’s that?” He really did not want to get into a theological discussion at the moment, but he couldn’t help himself.
“Because that way He couldn’t close His arms.” She glanced over at Ben, and the anguish was back. “See, I think in this life we start out with our arms open. We love everyone, and we want to experience everything. Then things happen that convince us that keeping our arms open is not smart. People hurt us or they leave us, and we think that it would just be better if we would close our arms—either to protect ourselves or to hang onto them.”
Never before had Ben been so enthralled with anyone. Sitting in the light, her hair shone like the gossamer on an angel’s wings. He looked up at it, taking it and all the rest of her in. When she sniffed, he knew she was not play-acting. This was for real with her. That drew him even closer.
Her gaze jerked up to the cross, hanging there, and after a moment her eyes closed. Something close to anger went across her beautiful features followed by a desperate attempt to not break down again. “Sometimes it would be so easy to close up and close down and not want to care anymore.”
“But…” He wanted to protest, but he had no words.
The softest smile he’d ever seen drifted over to him. “I know.” She nodded and let her gaze fall back to her hands. “I know.”
Behind him, the door snapped open, and he spun as an elderly couple came in, him helping her although they both looked like they needed assistance. Like a shot, Kathryn stood, wiped her eyes, and went around the other side of the bench. Ben was caught somewhere between the conversation they’d just had and watching her with the couple.
She went over and sat on her heels next to where they sat. The conversation was so quiet that even just across the silent chapel, he couldn’t make out all the words. He had a lot of thinking to do. That was for sure. With one more glance up at the cross, he tried not to shake his head but he did just the same. That was one he would never understand.
Chapter 6
“Come on, Kate. You need a night out. Look at you.” Misty gazed at her friend as Kathryn made final notes in the stack of charts that would be turned over to Clyde in twenty minutes. She should have done this in her office, but it was too quiet, or her brain and all its whisperings was too loud. She wasn’t sure which.
“I don’t think so.”
“But Nathan is a nice guy.”
“I’m sure he is, but right now… it’s just not good for me.” She finished the last note, picked up the charts, and turned. However, somehow she had missed the approach of one very attractive young doctor coming from the front doors. Barely hanging onto the stack, she yelped. “Oh!”
He smiled as they both came to a sudden, jerky stop, and she smiled back.
“I’m… I’m sorry,” she said, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. “Were you looking for someone?”
“Oh, uh, Dr. Nelson sent me to check on…”
“His wife’s mother,” she finished.
The doctor in the white coat tilted his head. “Very good.”
“She’s in Room 8. I believe Mrs. Nelson is with her. I can show you if you’d like.”
His gaze traveled all the way down her, and she caught the meaning with no trouble. She also knew Misty caught the meaning.
“Oh, no. That won’t be necessary. I was just supposed to check to make sure there have been no changes.”
“No,” Kathryn said, remembering what they were talking about. “No changes.”
He nodded once and turned for the door. With a roll of her eyes and a slow exhale, she turned to go the other way down the hallway.
“Um.” He turned back, and she spun toward him. “I’m Dr. Martin, by the way. Dr. Joseph Martin.”
“Kate… Kathryn Walker.” Stepping over, she shook his hand.
“Well, Ms. Walker. It was nice to meet you.”
“Yes it was.” For a full second she didn’t realize what she’d said. “I mean it was nice to meet you too.”
He smiled a half smile that struck a flirtatious note in his eyes. “I hope to see you again soon.”
“Me too.”
And then he turned and pushed out of the door.
Barely corralling her excitement, Kathryn turned for the nurse’s desk. “Wow,” she breathed.
At the desk Misty was fanning herself. “Whoa baby.”
“Ye-ah.” And with that, Kathryn went to her office to finish up.
Ben knew he couldn’t keep bothering her, but when he looked at his watch, he knew she would be leaving any time. He needed something to drink anyway. This sitting around waiting thing really made one much thirstier than he would have thought. Quietly he left the room and shut the door behind him. He went to the nurse’s station where they were in the midst of shift change. Leaning on the desk, he cleared his throat to get the two nurses’ attention.
“Oh, Mr. Warren,” Misty said. “I didn’t see you there.”
“I was just wondering where I might get a Coke.”
“Oh, just down this hall, make a right, then another right. There’re vending machines in that hallway.”
“Thank you.” He pushed away from the desk, fully cognizant of the two gazes that went with him. Three days of hanging out in hospitals hadn’t made him a male supermodel, but they hadn’t completely destroyed his way with the ladies either.
Checking the current state of his attire, however, he knew he was a little more undone that normal. Shirt tail completely out, sleeves rolled to two very different lengths. Plus he hadn’t seen a razor in more time than he could remember. Just as he was about to assess how bad he must look, Kathryn stepped out of a door off to the right and came up short when she almost bumped into him.
“Oh!” She started, jerking herself up short.
“Oh. Hey. Fancy meeting you here,” he said, and he couldn’t stop the smile.
Sometime since their meeting in the chapel she had come back to some semblance of control. Truth be known, in that knee-length peach business skirt and white button down blouse, she was anything but ordinary. “Did you need something?”
He laughed. “No. Well, yeah. I was just headed down for a Coke. I’m getting a little behind on my caffeine quotient.”
“Ah.” Turning only slightly, she locked her office door.
He watched, absurdly feeling like she was abandoning him. “So you’re headed home then?”
“Yeah. Clyde will be here in about five minutes if you need something.”
“Clyde.” Ben raised his chin, thinking Clyde probably wouldn’t be quite the same. “So.” He leaned on the wall, folding his arms, trying to appear completely casual. “Will you be back tomorrow? Surely you don’t just work all the time.”
Door locked, last of excuses not to leave complete, she turned to him. “No. Not all the time. I will be back tomorrow about eight.”
“Eight.” He nodded. “Okay.” Wow did it feel a long time to eight.
“You’ll be in good hands.” She laid her hand on his wrist, and for the first time he saw her fingers and nails. Both nice though not showy. More than that, he felt the gentleness of her touch. “Trust me. Everyone here wants to help with whatever you need.”
“I’ll remember that.” In his pocket the phone beeped, and he straightened like a shot. He grabbed it up, looked at the number, but didn’t recognize it. Holding up his finger, he turned. “Warren here.”
“Ben? Ben is that you?”
&
nbsp; “Mom?” He took two steps down the hallway in utter shock.
“Ben, what’s wrong? I called home, and Teresa was in a panic. She said you’d called like four times.”
“Yeah.” Ben half-turned back to Kathryn, trying to figure out how to tell her a proper good-bye without saying it.
I’ll just go, she mouthed, and he nodded though he didn’t want to. He watched her walk off down the hall. The long sigh sunk him right back into frightening understanding that he was in this alone.
“Ben?”
“Yeah.” His gaze dropped to his shoes as he leaned his back against the wall.
“What is going on?”
“Hmm.” Slowly he closed his eyes and then looked at the ceiling. “It’s Dad…”
Kathryn hated to leave him like that, but then that was dumb. On the clock he was her responsibility. Off the clock, he was merely a client that might still be there when she got back the next morning and he might not. The thought of him being gone when she got back jabbed into her. She hadn’t thought about it like that.
As she climbed into her car, she berated herself for being so unprofessional. That whole scene in the chapel. What was she thinking? He wasn’t there to comfort her. The feel of his arms around her came once again to her consciousness even as she tried to say she didn’t remember. It felt so good for that one minute to not have to be the strong one. But then she reminded herself that it could never happen again.
If he was even there in the morning…
“You can call him if you like.” Nothing his mother did should have surprised him, but this did.
“Mom, Jason doesn’t want to hear from me. He doesn’t even know me.”
Coming Undone Page 8