She left her things off in her office and went down to Mr. Gunthrey’s room. At least she could make sure there was no trash to sift through when the family showed up.
It had been a long night. Ben had awoken with every sound, tossed, turned, and thought far too much. When he opened his eyes to the morning light, he found Jason sitting in the chair, looking far too much like he was sure he, himself looked. Haggard and worn out.
“Morning,” Jason said.
“Ugh.” Ben pulled himself up. “Morning.” He rubbed his eyes. There wasn’t even an adjustment to the room, and it felt like he’d been in this room for his whole life.
“I was thinking about running down to get some coffee,” Jason said. “You want to come?”
“Oh, uh. No. You go on. I’ll just hang out for awhile.”
Jason stood and stretched. “K. I’ll be back.” Instead of walking to the door, he stopped first at the bed, and the knife of self-recrimination ran through Ben once again.
He put his head down as he laced his fingers and tried to stop the ever-present thoughts. After a moment, Jason moved on and departed. Ben flopped back onto the couch. Another day in this depressive hell. Lovely.
“Oh, Kathryn.” Jason stopped her in the lobby as she got to the door to Mr. Gunthrey’s room.
She turned and smiled. “Hi, there.” Without pause she left the door and came over to him. “How’s everything this morning?”
He shifted feet, gazing more at the carpet than her. “We’re okay I think. Um, I was wondering if you knew how we could get in touch with Dad’s church. I don’t think anyone has called them yet, and I thought they should know.”
“Oh, gosh. Yes. Of course. Let’s go to my office. We can call them from there. The information should be on some of the paperwork somewhere.”
He followed her down the hall, glancing back, his hands shoved in his pockets. “I probably should’ve told Ben before I said something. I mean we talked about it last night… kind of, but I don’t really know him all that well, you know? I sure don’t want to step on his toes or anything.”
Now that they were at her office door, she didn’t really either. She turned. “Do you think we should go back and say something?”
Jason looked like he’d been caught coming in after curfew. He slid his hand through his hair at the side of his head. “I don’t know.” He glanced back down the hallway. “I just don’t want to make anything any worse, you know?”
Kathryn nodded, considered, and then opened her door. “Why don’t we talk it through a little? We don’t have to decide right away.”
“Okay.” He followed her into the room and sat on the opposite side of the desk as she took her seat.
She thought about looking for the paperwork but decided to wait.
With a sigh and not more than that, he started. “I’ve always dreamed about what it would be like to see Ben again. I mean it was so long ago when we left, and there were just these vague—I don’t know what you’d call them—memories, dreams, hallucinations of what he was like, you know? I would make up stories in my head about what he was like, what they were like.”
“They?”
“Him and Dad. What were they doing, what they were like, what they would think of me if I ever saw them again.” For a moment, Jason paused in thought. “And then Dad came for the wedding, so that piece was kind of filled in, but Ben was still this big mystery.”
His gaze came up to meet hers. “I just don’t want to mess up with him. I’ve waited so long to have a brother, and now that I have one, I just feel like if I make the slightest move out of square, he’s going to pitch me back into the pond.”
“This must be really tough to want to be a part of the family but not really have a place.”
“It’s not his fault. I mean he’s been here. I haven’t. I get that. It’s just…”
“You’re not sure where you fit.”
“Something like that.”
Pieces floated around in no discernable order. Should she ask? Finally she decided she needed to if for no other reason than to have something of a grasp of the situation. “So you were with your mom then?”
“When I was about five, Mom and Dad split. The court said I had to go with Mom, but Ben was thirteen so he got to choose.”
“And he stayed with your dad.”
Jason nodded. “Dad had to pay child support for me, so we never really lost touch. I mean I always knew his address and stuff. But Ben… I don’t think Dad really told him much about where we were or anything. I’m kind of surprised he thought to call me at all if you want to know the real truth.”
Kathryn was nodding just to keep him talking. He seemed to need to get the story out, and she wasn’t going to stop him.
“When Dad came for our wedding, he said that Ben was real busy, but Ben said Dad never said anything to him about it. At least that’s what I got out of it. I don’t know. This is all just really confusing. I want to be the brother and the son, but I don’t know how to do that.”
“Well, I don’t think it’s something you can just step into and know how to do. Being a family takes more than just blood. It’s sharing a history and knowing each other too. I mean there are families that come through here that are in a battle with each other. They are far more enemies than families. But every family is different. Every family has to find their own rhythm. Maybe that’s what you’re doing now, finding your own rhythm.”
“Maybe.” Jason sat, thinking without really moving.
Kathryn thought about everything he had told her and his earlier idea of calling the church. “I don’t want this to sound too personal, but I’m curious, do you have God in your life? Is He important to you?”
Slowly Jason nodded. “My best friend back home was the youth minister’s son. I know all the stories about youth minister’s sons, but Ty was nothing like that. He got me through some really tough times. A lot like Kelly and Ben I’d guess. They brought me to the Lord when I was twelve, and God’s been in my life ever since.”
Without even looking, Kathryn saw the sticking point. “But Ben doesn’t agree.”
“We haven’t really talked about it.” Jason shook his head. “I thought about bringing it up, but I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with him. I don’t know what is safe to talk about and what’s not.”
Kathryn knew the feeling.
“It’s not that he’s a bad guy,” Jason continued. “He’s just…”
“Closed,” Kathryn finished, and Jason nodded.
“Yeah. I mean I know he’s scared. I am too. I know he’s dealing with a lot and I don’t want to make it any worse.”
“But you don’t know how to have input without doing that.”
“Kind of.”
“Tell you what.” Kathryn turned and rummaged through the file folders lined in the slots on the side file cabinet. “Why don’t we…” She found the one she was looking for and rolled back. “… just look here and see where your dad went to church. Ah, here it is. St. Jude’s. Father Patrick. Oh, good. You’ll like Father Patrick.”
However, when she looked up, there was a definite tinge of fear in Jason’s eyes.
“Is something wrong?”
“Dad… Dad was… Catholic?”
She looked down to verify. “Looks like it.” Her gaze came back up to his. “Is that a problem?”
His face said it clearly was though he was now fighting to disguise his surprise. “Uh, no. Well, kind of. I mean I’m an evangelical Christian. I don’t know much about the Catholics.”
Kathryn fought not to laugh out loud. He looked downright terrified. “Well, if it makes you feel any better, I’m Catholic.”
That surprised him even more. “You are?”
She bent her head. “And, this is a Catholic hospital.”
“Oh.” He seemed to shrink.
“We’re not so bad once you get to know us. I know we get kind of a bad rap sometimes, but…”
“I… I didn’t mean.”
She smiled to settle his concern. “I know what you meant, and it’s okay. Trust me on this, you’re going to love Father Patrick. He is one of the best.”
Swallowing his trepidation, Jason nodded. “Do you think we should run this by Ben first?”
“I’m ready if you are.”
Kelly had called to check on him. In a way that was nice, in another, it just reminded Ben how atrocious his own behavior had been when Tamitha’s mom had died. Certainly he had fumbled the ball big time on that one. As he sat there, berating himself for all of his shortcomings, the door snapped and Jason followed by Kathryn came into the room.
Quickly Ben sat up, feeling like there were 900 pounds of guilt and shame piled on top of him. “Good morning.” At least the greeting sounded almost human.
“Morning,” Kathryn said. She stepped past Jason, and Ben got the impression they were about to double team him.
“To what do I owe this honor?” He was being sarcastic, and it showed.
Gracefully she sat down on the chair, and he knew by the look in her eyes something was up. His gaze bounced up to Jason who wouldn’t even look at him. Yes, something was definitely up.
Before he could ask, she took a small breath.
“I know this has not been easy on you, and Jason and I want to honor what you want, but we feel like it’s time to call in your dad’s minister.”
The words pushed Ben backward. “I… have no problem with that. I said that, right?” He looked up to Jason for confirmation.
“Yeah.” But Jason still wasn’t really looking at him.
“Okay,” Kathryn said with no edge to the word. “We just wanted to make sure before we made the call.”
“Y-yeah.” Ben looked back and forth between them. “Yeah. Make the call. What? Did you think I would say no?”
“No.” How she stayed so calm on the outside when her insides were about to explode, Kathryn would never know. It had to be the Holy Spirit. “No, but we just wanted to check.”
“Yeah, yeah. That’s fine. Will they like, come over or something?” He tried to hide it, but the agitation screamed through his every shifting and fidgety movement.
“Yes. I’m sure Father Patrick will want to come and give your dad Last Rites.”
Ben looked up to Jason who was getting that terrified look again. The prayer to the Holy Spirit was a breath as Kathryn realized this was going to take more guidance than she had initially thought.
“Last Rites or Anointing of the Sick is something the Catholic Church does when a person is either sick or dying. Father Patrick will bring the Holy Oil and say some prayers for your father. It is really a very peaceful prayerful time. Then I’m sure you can talk with him about anything you like—the services or what comes next or whatever. He really is a wonderful priest.” Although she did her best to sound convincing, neither of them looked even a tiny bit more at ease. “Don’t worry. I’ll explain everything to him when I call.”
Ben was the first to nod, followed by Jason. They both looked shell-shocked.
The last thing she wanted to do was to walk in and start imposing her will upon them. “Um. Would you like for me to let you two talk it over some more before I call?”
Older brother looked to younger brother for guidance, and she felt the conversation pass between them.
“No,” Ben finally said, “make the call.” He sounded infinitely more certain than he looked.
Kathryn left to make the phone call, and Ben watched as Jason sat down in a heap in the chair. For someone who had brought this whole thing up, he seemed rather reticent.
“I guess this means you’re not big on this God stuff either, huh?” Ben asked, sensing a connection he hadn’t realized was there.
“What? Oh, no. I mean, God and me, we’re cool. I just didn’t realize that Dad…”
Ben waited, but there was no end to that sentence. “That Dad… what?”
Jason laced his fingers and glanced over to the bed. “That Dad was Catholic.”
Not sure why that should make any difference at all, Ben frowned. “And that’s a problem?” After all, he’d grown up Catholic, not that it made a dent in his thought processes today. He was just surprised that Jason was so surprised.
“Well, no. I guess not.” Jason’s brow furrowed. Then his gaze jumped up to his brother’s. “I’m sorry.”
That surprised Ben even more, and worry dropped over him. “For what?”
“For… you know, questioning it.”
The farther they went, the more confused Ben was getting. “Questioning what?”
“Him being Catholic. I mean I…” The sentence trailed off into oblivion as Jason watched his fingers lacing and unlacing.
This was getting them nowhere.
“I thought you believed in God,” Ben said, but it was closer to a question than a statement.
“I do. It’s just…” He looked like Ben might punch him if he kept going.
“Just what? Jase, whatever it is, say it.”
It took more than fifteen seconds for him to even start, and the hesitation did not settle Ben’s nerves at all. “I don’t know. I just… I only know some about the Catholics, and I’ve always thought they were kind of… weird.”
Ben was trying to follow, but it wasn’t working all that well. Religion was really not his forte. “How so?”
“Like it was more of a cult thing. That’s just the way they taught it where I went. I never really thought I even knew a Catholic. Now I find out Dad was Catholic.”
“So you don’t remember going to Mass when you were younger?”
Jason shook his head. “I don’t really remember much about anything when I was younger. It’s all just blurs and feelings, not really much of anything concrete. Then sometimes I catch something I think might be concrete, but I don’t know if it really is or if that’s just how I wanted it to be.”
In a strange way Ben had never really thought of what it was like for his brother. Of course he didn’t remember much. He was so young when he left. Love or something very much like it touched his heart. “What do you remember? About back then?”
The look in Jason’s eyes was at once panicked and terrified. “Oh, uh. I don’t know. Not much really.”
Sensing his brother’s struggle though he didn’t really understand it, Ben leaned forward. “It’s okay, you know. I’m not giving you a test.”
His brother never picked up his gaze. “It feels like you are.”
Anger and confusion reached for him, but Ben ducked them at the last minute. “I’m sorry about that. It’s just things have been coming at me like rifle blasts. Half the time I don’t know if I should duck right or left, or just be a man and take it in the chest.”
“I know the feeling.” Then Jason looked up, and there was a glimmer of hope and connection there.
Ben considered all the avenues he could go. Finally he took a slow breath. “I want you to feel a part of this. I do. I just… I’m having a really hard time here. I’ve never faced anything like this, and I guess I’m realizing that was kind of on purpose.”
Confusion traced across the worry on Jason’s face. “How do you mean?”
A moment’s thought and Ben leaned back on the couch. “I don’t know. I… I’m not real good at serious, important life stuff. I do much better if the whole thing stays up here.” He glided his hand horizontally through the air. “On an even keel. Nothing big. Nothing major. Just living.”
“Go to work. Earn a living. Go home. Maybe have a little fun,” Jason said.
Ben nodded, surprised his brother knew anything about living like that. “Last night I got to thinking about Kelly and Tamitha and her mom. I remember giving Kelly a hard time about feeling left out when he missed the poker game like three weeks in a row. He said he wasn’t trying to duck out, but Tamitha was really having a hard time with everything.”
That conversation came back to him with a snap. It felt like a punch to the gut. “I told him we were going to forget
about him if he didn’t get his butt over there.” His heart ached with the callousness with which he had treated his friend. Why they were even still friends, he had no idea. He let the couch back catch him. “I was such a jerk.”
Jason said nothing to contradict him, and silence engulfed them as Ben thought through everything.
It would’ve been easy to traipse off down the self-pity path, but then he realized he would be doing life the way he had always done it, and enough was enough. He needed to find a different way, and here was as good a place to start as any. Yanking himself forward, he focused on his brother. “So tell me about this Catholic thing. Does it really bother you that much?”
There was a breath followed by a long silence. “I don’t know. I really don’t. I mean it did at first, and it still does, kind of. I just… I don’t know what to think. Not that I’m going to take off or anything. I’m just not sure what to expect. I mean what’s that whole thing about anyway? Is it for real, like something normal people are part of?”
“I think you’re asking the wrong guy that one.” Ben’s gaze went over to the bed. “I do know that Dad believed in it very strongly. He always wanted me to take it as seriously as he did, but I was too busy… being me I guess.” Then he had another thought. “What about Mom?”
“What about her?”
“Didn’t she go to Mass?”
That stopped Jason. His eyes went wide. “Uh, no. Not that I remember anyway. We didn’t go to church at all.”
Ben thought that through and then nodded. “Maybe going was more his idea than hers.”
“No, Mom thought church and God was a big waste of time. That’s what she always told me when I went.”
“Went?”
“My friend Ty talked me into going where his dad was the youth pastor. We went every Sunday and Wednesday. They really were a rock for me when I could very easily have gone floating off down a different twist in the river.”
Coming Undone Page 15