“It certainly appears to be,” said the doctor, standing slowly and collecting his belongings – a folder with my name on it, his pipe, a bong that I don’t remember either of us using. “I will be writing up my report first thing in the morning, and hopefully you will be incarcerated in the correct facility by the end of the day tomorrow. I’d like to say it’s been a pleasure, but, well, it’s been a little odd, if I’m being brutally honest. You might want to work on your storytelling skills. Roald Dahl you are not.”
I was about to retort when a loud roar interrupted me. My heart leapt up into my throat as visions of T-Rexes and velociraptors filled my mind. “Oh God!” I said. “Oh no! It’s…it’s…”
The wall across from the doctor and I exploded; dust and breezeblocks rained down on us. The doctor flew backwards, landing on the table. The bong he was holding did enter him in the anus, but the less said about that the better. I couldn’t take my eyes off the cloud of debris in the middle of the room, for I wondered what horrors it contained, what carnivorous beasties were concealed within. I was up on my feet, ready to do battle, or at least have a go before the inevitable devouring of one’s body at the hands and claws of some hellish creature, when a voice said:
“Are you going to stand there all day like a tit in the breeze or are you going to get in the fucking car?”
I knew that voice, for it belonged to none other than my best friend in the whole, wide world, John Mackey. And as the dust settled, I made out the shape of the DeLorean, parked right there in the middle of the interview room. Covered in plaster it was, but it still looked really cool. Much better than a souped-up Capri.
I rushed to the passenger side and flung the door open, almost knocking myself out in the process. “John!” I said, falling into the car and kissing him upon the bald pate. “You came to rescue me!”
“We don’t have time for mutual masturbation right now,” said John as he reversed the DeLorean out of the interview room and back onto the street. Sirens and blue lights filled the night, as the entire Buckfutt Police Department arrived on scene.
“Get us out of here!” I said.
“Put a date into the fucking console!” said John. “Anywhere’s better than here!”
“What about the sixties?” I said. “All that free-loving and peace? What could possibly go wrong?”
“Do it!” said John, steering us away from the psychiatric hospital. “But hurry up! I know these coppers don’t have guns, but I don’t fancy being tazed.”
I prodded nervously at the console. “Okay!” I said, settling back in my seat and buckling up. “1966 here we come!”
“Sounds good to me!” said John, stamping down on the accelerator and leaving the police cars in our wake. “To the sixties!”
At 88mph, we disappeared into thin air.
*
“Are you sure this is the sixties?” said John. “I don’t remember any of this. I mean, where did that bloody big castle come from? Not to mention those knights…and is that a dragon?”
I checked the console, and immediately cursed myself. “Bollocks!” I said. “We appear to be in 1066. Why did they put the nine and zero so close together? Be a good chap, will you, and get us out of here before that dragon does a massive shit on the bonnet?”
John turned the key, and the DeLorean did choking noises. It wasn’t a comforting sound; in fact, it fair put the wind up me.
“Try again,” I said. “Ooh, that is a big dragon, isn’t it?”
John tried again, to no avail. “I’m just going to flood the engine,” he said, and took to slapping the steering-wheel with his palms. “This is a nightmare. An absolute nightmare! What are we going to do?”
As the dragon guano landed on the bonnet of the DeLorean, rattling us around like sardines in a can, I shrugged. “I guess we try to find a mechanic,” I said.
“Don’t be silly!” said John. “It’s a Sunday.”
THE END
Alan and John will return 2016 in
DRAGONS EVERYWHERE!
Jurassic Car Park Page 14