by David Nesbit
I felt strange, really weird. I had never been in love before, not really. I mean, I love my family and I love my friends, but I had never really been in love with anyone before. It was a really unusual feeling for me when I first felt it and even more when I first said it, but it was nice, too. It sort of made me want to cry, but in a happy way. It made me want to shout loud, but also to be quiet. I wanted to tell everyone and no one at the same time.
I thought I was being a silly girl again, but I wasn’t sure. I felt confused. I wanted so much to tell someone, but I didn’t know who. Ari was having his own problems (which I promise I will tell you about in a minute or two) and Selvey was also busy (I will tell you about her too soon) and so I had no one to ask or to talk to.
I thought about writing on Jakchat or Expat Forum and asking for people’s advice, but I didn’t know what to write, and I also didn’t feel good about asking strangers to help me. So, do you know what I decided to do finally? I just decided to do nothing at all.
I thought I would just keep my news to myself for now and try to relax and see what happened. I decided I would tell Ari (and Wanda) when I next got a chance, and also I would tell Selvey when I could, but not yet.
Oh my! The next few days were very scary but nice and I felt so happy. I felt really different; like I was floating along and that I was sort of watching the world go by. Nothing I did seemed to be important or have any meaning; whether it was working, eating, sleeping, or anything else: I just thought about Gary.
I knew I was walking around with a big silly smile on my face all day, every day, and I wondered if anyone else noticed. If they did, they didn’t say anything about it. I was in a dreamland. Sometimes I told myself that I was being crazy; being in love with a man who was more than twice my age, who was from a different country, who had two grown-up children, and whom I had never even met. It was crazy, I tried to reason with myself, to have these feelings for Gary, but I could never convince myself. I just knew that I loved him and that I was happy.
So, let me tell you quickly about Ari, the silly boy. Remember I told you he would get married too? Well, that silly boy was getting married because he had to. Well, he said he felt he had to, anyway. You see, Ari, the silly boy, made Wanda pregnant!
I don’t know how he managed that.
Well … yes, ok, I do know how he managed it … I mean, I don’t know why he let that happen. Everybody now in my country gets sex education lessons in school and so Ari (and Wanda) should know how to take precautions, right? … I mean, I have only ever done that twice in all my life and each time I made sure the man was careful (and one of the men was Ari, remember!) so … ah, I don’t know.
Ari tried not to show it, but I could see he was a bit excited to get married and become a father, while also being a bit worried too. He was most worried about his many dreams to be a doctor, and I hoped he could still follow his dreams. Ah, the silly boy. I worry about him, but I still love him. He told me his father was so angry when he told him what had happened and his mother just cried. Ari said they soon came round to the idea, though, and even offered to pay for the wedding and to help them rent a house for after they were married.
They will have their wedding soon. It will be funny to see Ari get married, I think, but maybe a bit sad too.
Anyway, back to my story!
I got closer to Gary and I told my family about him and our relationship and they were ok about it. Gary called me and asked to speak to my parents. He told them he loved me very much and would always look after me, and I nearly cried again when he said that.
I am not sure how much my mom and dad understood Gary because their English was very limited, even worse than mine, but I helped explain what Gary was saying. My mom was a bit worried at first and told me to be careful, and my dad didn’t say much at all. He is a quiet man, really. I know my family love me very much and they just want me to be happy.
It felt so nice and lovely being in love with Gary, those first days and weeks. I felt a peace and a happiness I had never experienced before, but also a desire and a longing too. I thought about him literally every minute I was awake, and I dreamed of him every single night too. Wherever I was and whatever I was doing the picture of Gary’s face was in my mind and his love for me was in my heart.
I sometimes wonder now if, whatever happens in the future, I will ever know such feelings again. I hope I will. I wouldn’t like to think that the happiest days of my life are already behind me. That would be just too sad to bear, wouldn’t it?
So, maybe now you are wondering what went wrong and why I am talking as if my happiness suddenly disappeared again. Well, it’s because of Charlie. He disturbed me a bit.
That boy!
It makes me sad now to tell you what happened next, and for ages I really didn’t know what would happen or how, or even if, I would ever solve this problem. You see, when I fell in love with Gary I felt that everything would be ok forever and that nothing would ever go wrong again, but after just a few weeks I started to think of Charlie again. I don’t really know why, I can’t explain it. He just kept coming into my head and I kept remembering the early days in our ‘relationship’ (if you can call it that) and how I had felt excited and nervous then and had wondered what was going to happen. This remembering the past made me feel a bit unhappy and so I tried to stop thinking about him, but I just felt I had to try and find some way to put the whole experience of knowing him behind me.
I didn’t know what to do about my feelings of uneasiness and unhappiness, and so I talked to Selvey about it. I didn’t want to, because I thought she would be cruel to me again or laugh at me and call me a mummy’s girl but I had no choice. I couldn’t speak to Ari because he was too busy and had stress with Wanda and his parents because of his problem.
Selvey was actually very kind to me after I had explained my feelings and my problems. She said it was normal to be a bit confused and unhappy about bugil (she called him that, not me) because I had liked him before and then he had hurt me. She said I should send Charlie a text or email saying that I hoped he was well and happy and that I had met someone new now and hoped we could be friends soon. I was not sure this was the best thing to do, but Selvey said it would help me to put him out of my mind and then I could concentrate on my new life with Gary.
You know, I was very surprised when she said that. I never thought she would think that Gary and I being together was a good idea because he was a bule, he was much older, and etc., etc., lah, but she was so nice to me. She was so kind to me that I could feel my tears coming again and then Selvey hugged me and told me to follow my dreams and my heart. I love her now. Really I do. I will write more about her soon and tell you what happened in her life later.
So, I took her advice and sent Charlie a text. I still have it on my phone. This is what I wrote;
September 26 2005:19.57
Hi Charlie. It is me, Sari. How are you? I am good here and a long time we didn’t talk. I hope you are ok. I am happy and I will be married soon (I hope). Take care, Sari.
Charlie didn’t reply for maybe one hour and at first I thought maybe he was angry with me, but then he wrote:
September 26 2005: 21.02
Hi Sari. Thanks for your text. I am ok here, I guess. Wow, you will be married soon? How come? I didn’t think you had a boyfriend. Well, that’s great news (but it makes me a bit sad). I hope you will be very happy, and I will never forget you. You are special. Sorry for everything if I hurt you. All my love, Charlie.
You know, I cried a bit when I read that. Why did Charlie have to be so nice to me now? Why did he have to say so many nice things now? He said he was sad I was with someone else; he said he would never forget me, that I was special, that he was sorry, and that he loved me. Why couldn’t he have said all that before? Why did he treat me so badly? Why did I send him a text and open all the wounds again?
A million questions in my head.
Then I remembered what Selvey said. She told me to always be a
brave girl and that if I wanted something I should try and get it. Well, I wanted some answers to my questions and so, after I had stopped crying, I wrote all those questions (except the last one, of course) into one text and sent it to Charlie and then awaited his response.
He sent me a text five minutes later and he said he would write a real email to me the next day explaining everything and then after I had read it maybe we could meet and discuss. I said ok, and then tried to sleep. I dreamt of him and Gary.
The next day I got into my office early and I switched on my computer quickly because I wanted to see if Charlie had sent an email to me yet. I couldn’t begin to imagine what he would say to me, I mean, he treated me so badly before so what could he say to me now to make it better?
Nothing, right?
I signed into my yahoo account and there it was; an email from … from Charlie. It’s title was ‘I’m sorry!’ I felt my tears coming again just looking at that title. I just didn’t feel like I could open it and read it. I just can’t bear this, I thought, It’s too much for me.
I wanted to know what he said but I was scared, so scared. Finally I made myself become angry about being so silly and I made myself imagine Selvey was there and talking to me. Come on, mummy’s girl, I told myself, impersonating Selvey. Open it and see what he says! I smiled when I said that to myself because I really think that’s what she would have said if she had been there.
I clicked it open and read it slowly.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Date: 27 September, 2005
Dear Sari
Hi, how are you? I guess you are feeling really happy and excited now. It must be a great feeling and you must be really busy making all your plans. When will you be married exactly? I wish you all the luck in the world. I am really happy for you.
Sari, I am so sorry for hurting you before. I really didn’t mean to. You are a wonderful lovely girl and so sweet and innocent. You really deserve to be happy and I pray that you will be.
When we were together it just felt so nice and so wonderful. I didn’t mean to do anything bad to you that night, I just felt so close to you and so relaxed and happy with you that everything we did seemed so natural. I really and truly had no plan to do anything like that. You must believe that.
I just wanted a lovely evening with you. That’s all.
Ah, my Sari. I am really happy for you, truly I am, but I am still sad. After that night with you I tried many times to call you and text you to explain my feelings but I guess you were still hurt and angry and you never replied or answered the phone.
I am so sorry, and I will always regret hurting you, Sari, but worse than that I will always regret losing you. I think we could have had a wonderful life together, but I know I ruined that with my behaviour.
Anyway, take care, my sweet, and be happy. I hope in the future if you ever think of me, the silly bule who came into your life for a few short weeks, you will just smile and think something nice, but I still have slight hopes that you can forgive me and perhaps one day we can be married instead. Am I crazy to hope for this?
All my love, Sari,
Charlie.
(PS: maybe we could meet for coffee and a chat after you have read this?)
I read it and just thought ‘hmmmmmm’, nothing more. I mean, what he said is all very nice, right? But it’s easy to be nice now when it’s too late. It’s easy to hurt someone, get what you want, and then just say ‘sorry’ and expect everything to be fine again.
Now I was starting to feel angry. How could he do like this? I questioned. Better the stupid bugil didn’t contact me at all again than send me something like this. What did he expect from me now? That I would feel sorry for him, that I would fall for his words and his flattery – in Indonesian language we call this type of talking basa-basi, which means ‘talking only’ – huh!
Yes, I was angry! At first I wanted to ignore him, but then I thought, No, he can’t do this to me. I want real answers. So I sent him a text and I just wrote: ‘Got your email. Am very angry. Meet me at Starbucks in Semmanggi Mall at 8pm.’ Then I switched off my phone because I didn’t want to talk to him again until then.
The rest of the day I spent deliberately not thinking about him and being as happy as I could be. I spoke a lot with Selvey, but not about Charlie, and she made me laugh a lot. Perhaps I should tell you now what I thought was happening in her life.
I was beginning to think she was being naughty and having an affair with a bule. Really, I know that sounds crazy because she had always said she didn’t like them, but for the last two months or so she had been acting very strange. I mean strange in a nice way because she was always smiling and happy those days and always talking in English quietly on her handphone. It was unusual for her to be so nice to people, and also she often came to work wearing sexy clothes and sometimes smelling of perfume.
You know what? A few times she even brought a hold-all to work with her with what I thought was probably a spare set of clothes in. I got to thinking she was sometimes staying overnight with her boyfriend. Maybe my mind was playing tricks on me and I just had negative thinking about her, but I didn’t think so. Anyway, if she was being a bit naughty then it was not my business, was it? And anyway I actually was happy for her. Whatever was happening in her life right then was making her happy and a better person, I think. I just hoped nobody got hurt. I knew what that felt like and it sucked.
Anyway, I had a nice day and didn’t think about Charlie too much. I thought about Gary a lot, though, and I chatted with him a bit on YM. I didn’t tell him about Charlie or that I would meet him because I didn’t think it was important, really. I just wanted to talk to Charlie face to face so that we could close the matter and finish things properly. He didn’t mean anything to me anymore.
When I got to Starbucks he was already there. I didn’t care. Normally I would feel a bit guilty if someone had been waiting for me, even if I was not late, but not today. I didn’t want him to buy anything for me so I went directly to the counter and ordered an iced tea while he waited for me.
Good, let him wait, I thought.
Finally I got my drink and went to his table and sat down. He looked up at me and directly tried to hold my hand across the table but I moved it away so he couldn’t. I was not going to make this easy for him and fall for his basa-basi chitchat again.
He started to talk, to try and explain further the things he wrote in his email and his behaviour with me before, but I was not really listening. All I could hear was blah, blah, blah … You know, I felt nothing for him. I knew he was one of the men that Selvey talks about when she describes bules as ‘players’.
At some point I became aware that he had asked me a question and he seemed to be waiting for my response. ‘Sorry, what did you say?’ I asked him.
‘I asked if it is too late for us; could we try again, please?’ he answered.
I looked at him but there was nothing there. No sense, no feeling, no curiosity even. In fact, there was just a gap where there should have been something. I didn’t even have to answer. I just looked at him and he knew.
He knew he has blown the best chance he would ever have of being truly happy in his life.
This time it was my turn to reach across the table and take his hand. I gave it a squeeze and I told him to take care, then I got up to leave.
For a second or two I think I saw the beginning of what just might be a tear in his eyes, but even that didn’t move me. There had been too many tears already because of bugil and so I just left him sitting there.
I started to leave Starbucks and as I was getting to the door two young girls came in. They looked very pretty and one of them smiled as she held the door open for me so I smiled back. As I walked out I heard her friend shout out a greeting to someone;
‘Neil,’ she shouted. ‘How are you?’
I turned and see her go over to Charlie and embrace him.
Neil???????
>
I was confused and about to go back inside and demand more answers but suddenly I was overcome with a strange calmness and I realised it just didn’t matter anymore.
I smiled to myself and started walking back through the mall to where I could get a taxi or bus home. I didn’t know what would happen with me and Gary, but I decided I was going to have fun finding out. I didn’t know if I really loved him or not but I decided I was not going to be such a naïve mummy’s girl again, that’s for sure.
I was standing at the bus stop when I suddenly saw Selvey’s face looking back at me.
It was on a poster stuck onto the bus stop and I looked closer. It was information about a drama taking place at the National Theatre here in Jakarta and Selvey was acting in it. In fact, she was the star!
Well, I almost peed myself laughing. That was her big secret. That was why she had been so strange recently, speaking a lot in English on the phone. Hahaha … she had been practicing for her acting!
Oh my goodness!
That’s why she had extra clothes in the office and make up and perfume, it was all for her rehearsals!
When I stopped laughing I took my phone out of my bag and I called Naughty Boy Ari.
‘Ari,’ I said, ‘You won’t believe what I just found out!’
3
Jack’s Story
I am Setiono Jacobsen, but you can call me Jack, and this is my story.
I live in Jakarta, which I am sure you know is the capital city of Indonesia, and I am a poor man but I am on the way up, and it is only a matter of time until I improve myself and my position in life. This is what I tell everybody I meet for the first time, and it is what I say to myself and to my God when I pray.
It is a matter of time. That’s all.
I will tell you my story from the beginning up until now and then I am sure you will be able to see why I feel this way and you may even agree with me.