“You don’t think you could ever reconcile with them?” she asked.
“I don’t know. Even if they came around about my climbing, the damage is already done. I know their love is not unconditional.”
He wrapped his arms tight around her. “That’s what scares me about you,” he said. “Ever since I left home, I haven’t let myself get close to anyone, but I care about you too much already.”
Tears wetted her eyes. It was the same for her—she hadn’t gotten close to anyone new since her dad died. She valued Josh’s words like a treasure, but she couldn’t let them mean anything. They implied a level of seriousness that she had no intention of returning.
“Do you ever think about after?” he asked.
“After what?”
“After this. Filming.”
Yes. After filming he would go shoot his commercial in Utah, and then he would disappear back into the world of unmapped camping areas and exotic crags. Their good-bye would be difficult. Once she could stand it, she would track his progress through the internet and magazines. Maybe after a long time had passed, she would stop mourning him and she’d remember the whole thing fondly and credit it for breathing the passion back into her life.
It was getting late and very cold. She put her hat back on and folded up the blankets, which he stuffed into his backpack. Instead of putting his backpack on to leave, he took both of her hands and pulled them into his warm pockets.
After all this time in the moonlight, her vision was as clear as day. The look he was giving her reached into the farthest trenches of her soul, causing a shift—a deeper level of connection—that could not be taken back, even if she wanted it to.
“When we’re done here in Yosemite,” Josh said, “I don’t want us to be over.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Last night, she’d lied to Josh. “I don’t, either,” she had said.
Technically, it wasn’t a lie. She didn’t want it to end, but that part was irrelevant. It would end.
I don’t, either. She could have left it at that, but there was an empty space between them yawning for more, and she filled it with, “We’ll find a way to make it work.”
She hadn’t ever been forthright with Josh about her intentions, but it seemed okay, because neither of them had brought it up directly. But now, he had opened up and told her the truth, and she had responded with a lie. A blatant, outright, dark, and malicious lie.
Now, she was somewhere in the Sierra foothills, driving to Fresno to pick up Michelle from the airport. The road was curvy, and her turns were too sharp. Everything was coming together too fast. The weather report for Friday wasn’t looking good, and this morning, right before she left, Danny had told her that Josh had decided to do the climb Thursday.
That was tomorrow.
All she could hope now was that she could keep the charade going until then, and if he survived, that he wouldn’t loathe her forever when she had to disown him, just like his family had done. Maybe when she broke up with him, she would tell him about her dad. Then he would understand why his climbing career wasn’t compatible with her sanity.
She could already see Josh’s falling expression as she started to explain, the light fading out of his eyes and the cold wall of protection returning.
Cruel. It was horrifically cruel. How can I do that to him?
Her breathing bordered on hysterical. She had to get it together before she picked up Michelle. She pulled over onto a dusty turnout and followed her therapist’s instructions for preempting a panic attack. She forced her breathing to slow—in two three, out two three four five six—and she closed her eyes and focused on the depth of the blackness behind her eyelids.
When it all seemed manageable again, she opened her eyes. She peeked at herself in the rearview mirror. Her sweaty bangs were matted to her temples, and her face was splotched with magenta. She got back on the road, rolling down the windows to blast her face dry and gulping her coffee to make up for all the hours she hadn’t slept last night.
Michelle’s flight arrived on time, and they were back at the campground parking lot by one.
Immediately, she knew something was wrong. The Walkabout van was already back from the dress rehearsal that should have taken all day, and everyone was standing around the open side doors. Rick was sitting on the floor inside, his leg straight out in a splint. A search-and-rescue guy was kneeling in front of him, adjusting bags of ice on his knee.
Michelle pushed through the group.
“Looks like I tore my MCL,” Rick told her. “Thank god it happened in the first mile.”
“One of the search-and-rescue trainees is going to drive him down to the clinic in Mariposa,” Danny said to Michelle. “He’ll probably need surgery.”
Theo was sitting on the van’s bumper, frowning at the sequence boards. The team was already spread thin without her. Now, without Rick, they’d be screwed tomorrow.
“Do you think we could get Mario on a plane if we called him right now?” Michelle asked.
“He’s in Australia,” Danny said.
“What about Remy?”
“He doesn’t do heights.”
“What about Vertical View? They’re going to film their interview today, couldn’t they send their guy up?”
“It’s probably just a writer with a camcorder,” Danny said. “Madigan’s already called around to the media we know.”
“Couldn’t Josh wait?” Michelle asked.
“If he’s going to climb it tomorrow, it’s not our place to stop him,” Danny said. “And especially not because we couldn’t keep our cameras staffed. We’re just going to have to figure out something else.”
April was still hanging back, fully aware that the demise of the shoot was her fault, for getting involved with Josh.
She stepped forward. “I can do it.”
Silence hung over the group until Theo popped his head around the back of the van. “That would be great. We need you.”
“April, you don’t need to save us,” Danny said. “This is my bad for not hiring more crew. We have the budget for it this time, too. I’m just so used to operating on a shoestring.”
“I really think I can do it,” she said. “I’ll be fine.”
Danny was clearly relieved. “Well, if you think you’re up to it—”
“No,” Madigan said. “You cannot put her in a situation where she’s uncomfortable. It’s a risk to her and the whole crew.”
Danny looked at April.
“I can do it, really,” she said. “I need to practice this afternoon, but I know I’ll be fine.”
“Madigan, do you think you can go with her and—”
“No. I have to haul gear,” Madigan said.
“Someone else can do that.”
“It was just two days ago she said she couldn’t do it,” he said. “If I were you, I’d be asking why.”
He wouldn’t dare bring up her dad in front of all these people.
“I’ll help you,” Theo said. “We’ll work over at Celery Slabs until you’re feeling good.”
“This is not okay,” Madigan said.
“She’ll be fine,” Theo argued. “She’d be fine even if she didn’t practice today. And I can work it so she won’t have to shift positions. She’ll just rap to the highest spot and stay there until Josh tops out. Easy as pie.”
“Fantastic,” Danny said.
“No,” Madigan said. “This is not fantastic.”
“You’re making a real ass of yourself, Madigan,” Danny said. “This is her call, not yours.”
Madigan yanked his backpack off the ground. “I refuse to be a part of this.” He spun toward April. “If you’re going to go ahead with this, you better be bombproof sure you can handle it and not get someone killed.”
He heaved the pack around to his back and took off toward the main road.
“Madigan!” Danny yelled.
Madigan kept walking.
“April, I apologize for him,” Danny sai
d. “He was way out of line. I’ve never seen him overreact like that.”
“It’s fine,” she said. “I’m going to go change. I’ll be back in a few, Theo.”
…
Theo set his pack down at the same section of Celery Slabs that she had climbed before.
“We need to have a chat,” he said.
“What about?” she asked, a little concerned.
“I’ll just put it this way. I’ve seen you show up in camp with chalk on your face several times now, and I don’t think it’s because you’ve taken up rock climbing.”
She stared at him.
“Normally our buddy Madigan would be the one to say this, but in case you haven’t noticed, he has quite a thing for you, and I don’t think he’s aware of what’s going on.”
Theo, of all people, had noticed her and Josh?
“Now, don’t get me wrong,” he continued. “I’ve never been one to follow a rule if I could get away with breaking it, and your secret’s safe with me, but filming a climber doing something like this is hard enough. To be—ahem—seeing him takes it to a new level. I just want to make sure you’re cool with it.”
“Don’t worry,” she said. “I’m totally cool with it.”
“Okay, good. I thought so, but I would have felt bad if I didn’t check. Congratulations, by the way.”
“For what?”
“For bagging one of the best climbers in the world. He’s hot, too. Makes me wish I was a woman. Or gay. Score one for Walkabout Media & Productions. Yee-ahh!” He high-fived her.
Crisis averted, for now.
“Don’t worry about Madigan’s tizzy earlier. He just wants to protect you. He’s like that. But you’ll do great up there. You picked this up quickly, and your skills are solid.”
He started pulling gear from his pack. It was a good thing Madigan and Theo had never discussed what they each individually knew about her. If they had, they would have her complete story, and there would be no doubt about whether she should be filming tomorrow.
…
True to his word, Madigan stayed away from Celery Slabs, but he appeared in Sorcerer Meadow before dinner for the ground rehearsal of the revised filming choreography.
“I’m sorry about earlier,” he said to April. “I was very concerned about you doing this. I still am.”
“I did great with Theo today,” she said.
“I’ve never questioned your technical abilities.”
“If it makes you feel better, Ernesto’s going to rappel with me to my spot, and he’ll pick me up on the way back up. All I have to do is sit in my harness and run the camera. Hopefully you’re not worried about that part.”
“April, this is serious. I know you’re just doing it because you don’t want to let the team down. But I saw what happened to you up there, and I don’t think you’re ready. I was hoping you’d come around, but since you haven’t, I feel like I have an obligation to say something to Danny.”
“No, please don’t!”
Danny looked up from the sequence board he was analyzing with Theo. “Everything okay over there?” he yelled.
“Yes, fine!” April said.
She had to stop Madigan from talking to Danny. Josh already knew she was back on for filming. If Danny yanked her off the crew because of her dad and word got back to Josh about it…she didn’t even want to think about that.
“Listen,” she whispered to Madigan. “I backed out because I was afraid. You’re right, the thing with my dad has had a terrible effect on me. I’m afraid of everything. After we had our talk on the Sorcerer, I completely chickened out inside. My confidence in myself was gone. But I was so ashamed when I told Danny I couldn’t do it, I wished I could take it back. Today, I had that opportunity. I’m not doing this for the crew—I’m doing this for me. It will be hard, but I know I can do it. Please don’t take that away from me.”
The lies were coming so easily now.
Madigan stared across the meadow. “Okay,” he finally said. “But just know that it’s perfectly fine if you change your mind at the last minute.”
Vera, who was sitting in a camp chair on the edge of the meadow with Gabby, waved her hand at April. April jogged over, relieved for the excuse to get away from Madigan.
“I hope I’m not interrupting anything,” Vera said.
“No, we haven’t started yet.”
“I’m taking Josh out to dinner tonight. He’d like you to come along.”
“Me?” she asked, plastering a surprised look across her face.
Theo whistled for the crew to gather in. “Uh, I’ve got to get over there. I won’t be able to come tonight. I have dinner duty back at camp.”
She jogged over to Theo’s huddle. The best scenario with Josh in this situation was that she wouldn’t see him again until he passed through her camera lens at the top of the Sorcerer tomorrow. Him not being at the Walkabout site for dinner was great news. With all the stuff happening today, there would be no reason he’d be alarmed by not seeing her, and he could embark on his climb on the high note of their conversation in the meadow last night.
After the ground run was over, they all walked back to the van, past the cluster of media still waiting to interview Josh. Michelle was with a few producers, jotting a note on a clipboard. She waved to them.
Josh himself was standing in front of a cameraman and a well-dressed female reporter, in a spot where the fearsome Sorcerer loomed above the trees in the background. His shoulders were tense and his eyes as dark as the tower’s black rock.
As they passed behind the cameraman, Josh stopped talking and his eyes followed April. Vera gave her a pointed look.
The reporter’s voice drifted their way. “What do you think it would feel like if you fell?”
April winced. She should have been there with him. Protecting him from all those reporters, or at least giving him confidence in front of the camera.
“Are you sure you don’t want to join us tonight?” Vera asked.
April glanced back at Josh, who looked like he was ready to bolt from the interview. She hated that he was spending what could be the last hours of his life doing the one thing he hated most.
“I’d really like to,” she replied to Vera, “but I have to be up at four thirty to hike up the Sorcerer.”
Vera stopped at her SUV, where a driver was waiting. She slid into the passenger seat. “I understand.” She grabbed April’s hands and gave them a quick squeeze. “Good luck tomorrow. I think you’re very brave to film up there, and I’m so glad it was you who Danny hired for this film.”
…
April stared into the campfire. The reds and yellows and blues swayed with the invisible wind of combustion. She was hyperaware of the time, her chest getting tighter with each passing hour.
It was eight o’clock now, which meant there were only twelve hours left until Josh started the climb.
A log cracked and slipped into the center of the fire. Her hand jerked, sloshing beer across her feet. Embers from the cracked log sprayed out of the fire pit, then floated over the crowd like fireflies, going dark one by one.
It was the tallest fire and the biggest crowd the Walkabout site had ever seen. It seemed the whole campground was there, along with every member of search and rescue. With the many conversations tumbling over one another, Madigan, who was standing next to her, hadn’t noticed how quiet she was. Although the campfire had turned into an unofficial good-luck-tomorrow party for Josh, Josh himself was absent.
And then he wasn’t.
He was across the campfire, sweatshirt on with the hood up. His face glowed yellow and warm in the reflection of the flames. He made eye contact with her.
“I’m going to get more beer,” Madigan asked. “Want a refill?”
“I’ll come, too,” she said.
“I’ve got it. Stay here to hold our spot.”
“It’s our campfire!” she said, but he had already disappeared through the crowd.
Across the fire rin
g, Josh had disappeared, too.
A pair of large, strong hands landed on her shoulders and massaged her a few times.
No! Not right here in public!
Josh leaned in, his hood brushing along her jaw. “I’m going back,” he whispered. “Come meet me, okay?”
He squeezed her shoulders once more, and then he was gone.
Shit.
She wouldn’t go. She’d tell him later that she couldn’t get away. But when would she do that? As he climbed past her on the Sorcerer? Assuming he made it that far.
Madigan returned and handed her a beer. She didn’t want it, but it gave her fidgety hands something to hold on to.
She’d been nervous like this the night before her dad died, but it was because the next day, at the air show after-party, she was going to tell him she had been accepted, starting junior year, to the bachelor of arts in film program. This would reveal the truth that her career plans after college had nothing to do with airplanes.
She looked at her watch. Eleven hours and thirty minutes until the climb. Josh would be back at his campsite by now. Soon, he would be wondering where she was.
Her stomach tightened. No. She couldn’t let that happen. She had to get to him before he figured out something was wrong.
“I’m going to go to bed,” she announced to Madigan.
She didn’t bother faking a trip to the bathroom, instead heading straight through the woods to the search-and-rescue camp.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Josh’s campsite was dark and still.
“Over here,” he whispered.
He stood up from the hammock. She collapsed into his arms. The protective shell she’d built during the day disintegrated.
If only he wasn’t climbing the Sorcerer tomorrow. If only he had been born satisfied with team sports and video games.
But then he wouldn’t be Josh.
He held her tightly, resting his chin on the top of her head. “I missed you like crazy today.”
Lessons In Gravity Page 21