by Ana Newfolk
I looked at him, so vulnerable, it broke my heart, and I couldn’t take it anymore.
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out, “I was hurt, and I--“
“No,” He interrupted, but then put his hands on mine and took a deep breath, “don’t apologize. Please hear me out first.”
“Ok.”
“Joel, I can’t undo what I did at the club. Lucas is a jackass who’s been flirting with me since he moved here a few years ago. I shut him down not just because I didn’t want him to out me, but because there is nothing about him that interests me.
I admit that at the club, my first instinct was self-preservation, but then I didn’t want him to know about you. He didn’t deserve to know how amazing you are, and how important you are to me.”
I reached out to touch his face. I didn’t know how many tears he’d shed this week but his eyes told me they’d been more than he deserved.
“It’s ok, David. I understand. And I’m sorry too for not listening to you that night. I came to your apartment because Max told me to hear you out, and he was right. I’m glad I did.”
He took a deep breath and then got up. It was like he was going to say something he didn’t want to.
“I meant what I said before, Joel. Please keep coming back to your grandparents. I’d really like it if we could still be friends, but I would be happier if I knew you were still coming back to them. Please, Joel.” It was almost a cry.
He wanted to be friends, but I wanted to be much more. The conflict inside of me was tearing me apart. I loved this man, and I wanted to be with him. How could we make it work if he didn’t want to come out to his family?
“David, come with me to New York,” I got up from the sofa and stood right in front of him, “I love you. I love you so much I’m not even sure how all the particles of my body remain in one piece when you’re not around. Come with me to New York. We can be together there. No one would know, it would be just us, but you wouldn’t have to lose your family.”
My voice was full of desperation and determination. When the thought that David could come to New York crossed my mind suddenly, it all became clear. His aunt and uncle manage the café quite well on their own, and David could do his culinary studies, or open his own business. The important thing is that we could be together.
“No.”
The one-word answer was like a shot to my heart. I’d opened myself to him again, declared my love, but he said no. My skin felt like it was crawling out of my body. Embarrassment coursed through my veins. I had to get out of there.
I made a move to leave, but David caught my arm and turned me back around. He put his hands on either side of my face and cleaned the tears that were running down my face with his thumbs.
“No,” he repeated, “I don’t want to go to New York,” he paused, “I mean, if that’s what you want then I’ll go, but if you just want me to go so we can hide then I don’t want to go. We don’t need to hide anymore.”
“Wha--“
His mouth landed on mine with the force of a man deprived of physical contact. I couldn’t make sense of what David was saying, and now that he was kissing me with so much passion, tenderness, and love, I didn’t care.
I held on to him, scared that if I’d let him go this moment would stop. I hadn’t touched David for a week, and my lips and tongue wanted to get reacquainted. Fuck, he tasted so good.
It was reluctant to stop the kiss, but I was still confused. We didn’t need to hide anymore? Why?
“Dav... mmm David,” I tried to speak between his nibbling on my lips, “what do... you mean?”
David stopped the kiss, leaving me drunk with lust, and took us to the spare room, his old room, now his office. The love seat was right in front of the balcony, facing my apartment.
He sat and brought me down with him. We cuddled up together with his arms around me and his hands stroking my hair.
“I told my aunt and uncle I’m gay.”
“Oh, David.” I thought I’d see sadness or regret in his expression, but he was smiling. No, he was grinning.
“They were ok with it, Joel. No, they were more than ok. They love me.” The emotion in his voice was palpable. Whatever had happened between David and his aunt and uncle was significant and had changed everything for him.
He was free to be himself around his family now, and it meant he could be in a relationship with another man. Not me. He’d kissed me, but he didn’t say he loved me.
“Of course they love you. But how about your uncle? What made him change?”
“It’s a long story. He’s really sorry about the way he’s treated me all these years. I know who Vítor is.”
“Who is he?”
“He’s uncle Mário’s brother. I will tell you the story later, but there’s something I have to show you.”
I hadn’t noticed he’d grabbed the package he’d been holding earlier when we came into the room. When he put it on his lap, I realized it was the journal.
“There is something I want to tell you, but first I need to show you this.”
I was intrigued. I knew we hadn’t finished reading the journal, but I couldn’t imagine what would be in it that was so important.
David opened the journal on the last page and passed it to me.
My heart almost stopped beating when I recognized the handwriting on the page. My mom’s handwriting. Not the one she used for regular stuff, but what she used when she left me messages. There were very subtle differences, but I could tell.
She’d written a message addressed to David. I looked at him, and he gave me a small kiss on the lips and smiled, giving me permission to read.
30 April 2005
Dear David
It may be a long time until you read this, but I know you will. I am leaving the journal somewhere you will find when you are ready.
I know you are hurting a lot at the moment. I am too. We have both lost someone who can never be replaced no matter how many people we meet in our lifetime. Paula was special, and not just because she was your mom and my heart sister.
She was relentless in the way she worked, joked, cared, loved... it’s an endless list.
Before she died, your mom wrote you a letter. Her wish was that you found her letter when you were ready to read it. I don’t know when that will be so I am writing this message trusting that somehow the journal will find its way into your hands.
Teresa has the letter waiting for you.
David, please know that you are not alone. I love you like you were my own son. It breaks my heart to know you are so far away from us.
I could take you with me to New York. I know you would like it there, and you would have Joel with you, but your aunt and uncle need you here. Please forgive us for making that decision for you. We hope it was the right one.
With love,
Sílvia
So many emotions were going through me, and I couldn’t decipher them all. I just held on to David. There were no tears, just a deep appreciation for the love our moms had for each other. I wanted to know how David felt when he read the message, but I wanted to know something else more.
“Do you have the letter? Your mom’s letter?”
“Aunt Teresa gave it to me earlier.”
He passed me an envelope. I had expected the paper to be yellow with age, maybe a few stains or marks but it was pristine. Teresa had looked after it like it was a precious treasure. David told me to read the letter.
24 April 2005
To my beautiful son
David, I love you more than I can express in words. I hope that in the short almost fifteen years we’ve had together, I was able to demonstrate just how much with my actions.
From the moment you were born, and even before you could make conscious decisions, you behaved like you wanted to make everything perfect for us. You never fussed over anything; you didn’t cry unless it was granted and you were the happiest little boy.
I am so sorry I am not going to see you grow up i
nto the amazing man I have no doubt you will be. I don’t know what awaits me on the other side, but trust me when I say that if there’s a way for me to watch over you, I will. Forever and always.
If there is just a small piece of advice I can give you is to be brave and trust in love. Follow your heart and everything else will fall into place.
With all my love,
Mom
There was nothing I could say after reading Paula’s letter. My eyes remained on the words she wrote to her fourteen-year-old son. They were the best legacy she could have left him.
“Joel,” David whispered in my ear. I’d ended up leaning with my back against his front.
Maybe I shouldn’t give in to the comfort of being in his arms, but I couldn’t bear not to allow myself this contact. Even if it was just for today, while we were making amends.
I shifted so I could face him. His eyes were roaming my face as though he was trying to see all the detail he hadn’t before.
“For a very long time,” he said, “I was afraid to do anything different. I’d lost my mom, and then you hadn’t come back. I didn’t realize it until now, but I wasn’t living because I was afraid that anything I did would make the only good things I had in my life disappear.
Then you came along, with your blond hair and shiny blue eyes, your smile and your big open heart and you saw me.”
I couldn’t stop my tears now. How could I?
“Don’t cry, sweetheart. I’m getting to the best part.”
I let out a half cry, half chuckle.
“I love you, Joel. I’m sorry I didn’t say it before, but I do. I don’t care what we do or where we live as long as we do it together because I don’t think I can exist if you’re not in my life.
No, that’s not right, I could exist, but it wouldn’t be living, and I want to live. I can’t go back to just drinking water when I know there’s so much more on the menu.”
“Like custard tarts?” I chuckled.
The kiss was gentle, his lips closed over mine like an apology followed by a promise. I ran my tongue through his lower lip and then sucked his upper lip. He gasped allowing me to take over and tell him exactly how I felt.
The time we spent apart in the last week only served to increase my need for him. Nothing else mattered other than feeling his skin against mine. I pulled his t-shirt off at the same time he did the same for me.
I broke our kissing to taste his skin. I licked, bit and sucked every inch I could get my mouth on. I was absolutely sure he was going to have some visible marks on his neck in addition to those I was leaving on his chest, but I didn’t care. I would have merged my body with his if I could.
“Fuck, sweetheart, you’re going to... fuuuck...”
“Yes, that’s right, baby,” I said as I moved my assault further south, “we need you out of these jeans.” Fucking clothes, I was going to burn them all.
Just as I got to his fly, David stopped me.
“Bedroom.”
Now that’s a one-word sentence I can live with.
By the time we got to David’s bedroom, we were completely naked. I stopped to look at David, his skin so soft covering hard muscle underneath, the dark hairs that peppered his chest and legs... his eyes, a complete window into his soul.
How could I not love this man? I don’t think there was ever a chance we wouldn’t find our way to each other.
“Are you going to carry on staring at me, or are you going to finish what you started?”
I looked at the marks that were starting to appear on his chest with appreciation and giggled.
“Oh, I’ll finish it.” I jumped on him with such force he landed on the bed with me on top of him. I was surprised we didn’t break it.
I loved making out with David. For all his inexperience, he was very open when we were together. He gave and took in equal measure. It was perfect.
“Sweetheart,” he said between kisses, “I want...I...” his face was beet red, and he stopped making eye contact.
“What’s the matter?”
“I want to try... erm, I want to feel you inside me.”
“Jesus, baby are you sure? We don’t have to do that.”
“I want to, well I’m shit scared it’ll hurt, but your face the other day when I was inside you... god, I want to feel that.”
“Oh, you like my ‘I’m being fucked so good’ face.”
“I like all your faces, but yeah, that one in particular.”
“I’m all up for that, but right now I need to feel you inside me.” I reached for his bedside table where he had the condoms and lube. The memory of what David had done to me the last time I was in this position got me harder if that was even possible. Yeah, we were going to have to do that pretty damn soon.
I threw the condom at David and laid on my back with my knees up to my chest, and started prepping myself using the lube and my fingers. The burn felt good, but I knew it would feel even better in a minute.
“Fuuuck.” David was staring at where my fingers were stretching me, the condom still in his hand.
“David?”
“Er...yeah... sorry, you’re just...”
I pulled him down to me for a kiss.
“Baby, if you want me to make the face, you’re going to have to put that gorgeous dick inside me.”
That kicked him into action, and in a few seconds he was suited and penetrating me.
The world ceased to exist beyond us, as far as I was concerned. Every time David pulled out of me and back in it was like we were being fixed into place. All of the parts that made my heart and my soul were latching on to David’s, and this time it was for good.
“Oh fuck, Joel, I’m not going to last.”
I was right there with him. With a few strokes, I found myself spilling onto my stomach.
David came straight after me. Each motion of his hips was causing additional aftershocks to rock my body.
We were both trying to get our breath back. If sex with David was always going to be like this, I was going to need to up my exercise levels.
“I love your ‘I’m being fucked so good’ face,” he said as he gently pulled out of me.
“I love you.”
We settled back in bed after cleaning ourselves up a bit. We laid face to face, just looking into each other’s eyes, smiling.
“Is this really happening?” David asked.
“Better be, otherwise I’ve got questions about the current state of my ass.” I chuckled, but he opened his eyes wide.
“Did I hurt you?”
“Fuck no, you can do that to me any time. And to answer your question, yes, this is really happening. I don’t know how we’re going to do it, that’s something for us to talk about tomorrow, but we’re going to be together, ok?”
He pulled me against him and nodded. It didn’t take long until I fell asleep.
When I woke up, it was dark outside. The bedside lamp was on, and David was sitting on the bed next to me leafing through a recipe book.
I sat up and cuddled up to him.
“Hey, sleepyhead.”
“Hey, whatcha doin?”
“Just waiting for you to wake up. I forgot to give you something earlier.”
He took an envelope that was sitting on his bedside table and passed it to me. It had my name on in my mom’s handwriting.
I opened it and when I took the letter out something fell on my lap. I picked it up to see what it was. Two silver chains with a pendant each. The pendants looked like they were stuck together until I realized they were magnetic.
Two puzzle pieces, one with my name on and the other with David’s name. Both had a small circular shape on one side, which didn’t make sense. When I held them side by side I realized they really fit like a puzzle and the shapes made up a heart between our names.
I opened the letter and immediately laughed at the first line, and then caught the date on it.
She wrote it last summer.
2 July 2017
“
Dear Joebug (blame Max, it’s catchy!)
I asked Teresa to keep this letter for you in case I’m ever not around to tell you these words.
For the last thirteen years, I saw a boy I’ve known since before he was born grow up before he should have to. He lost so much but there is one thing he refused to lose, and that’s his love for you, whether he’s aware of it or not.
Ask him what were the first words he said to me every single time I came back home.
My dear Joel, over the last few years I’ve seen you slowly lose the spark you had when you were with your best friend. Don’t let it fade completely. Go home.
Remember, you were conceived in New York, but you were made in Portugal.
With love,
Mom
“Joel, sweetheart.”
I found myself wrapped in David’s arms while tears clouded my vision.
“They knew, David. My mom and your mom, they knew.”
“I think she was referring to us as friends, but she was right. You are home. Now, here with me, you are home.”
It was true. I came all this way to let my parents go and ended up finding myself. Every place we visited, every conversation we had with people I’d never met before and would never see again, made me feel more and more at home.
I picked up the chains and put the one with my name on David’s neck and the one with his name on my neck. We were so close to each other that the magnetic puzzle pieces stuck together.
“What did you say to my mom?”
“What?” I’d stopped crying but he was still stroking my hair like I was the most delicate thing.
“In the letter, my mom told me to ask you what you used to say to her.”
“Tell me about Joel.”
Epilogue
David
Portugal, August, a year later
Only I would choose to propose to the love of my life on the hottest day of the year. On the beach, with not a square inch of shade nearby, I was hot, sweaty and nervous as all hell.
The memory of the day we finally declared our love for each other still made by heart skip a beat. I still couldn’t believe that my life had changed so much in less than twelve hours if you exclude the out-of-this-world lovemaking.