He skeptically raised an eyebrow. “Really?”
“Well, yeah…” My cloudy mind thought back. “Well, I guess I hugged him when he first got here, but… it was very innocent—”
“That kiss I just walked in on was not innocent, Sage,” he cut me off. “So don’t even try to tell me it was. He was all but fucking you in the men’s room.”
Oh my God, and I had wanted him to.
My voice rose with exasperation. “I don’t know what that kiss was, Jeff. It just… happened. And I was going to tell you he was back. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. I haven’t been running around behind your back.”
“Well, what the hell—”
“What the fuck are we even doing, Jeff? Why are we even together? We never do anything that doesn’t revolve around drinking or sex. I don’t even know what to call us. We’ve never actually gone on a date. And you’ve never once even asked to meet my kid.”
“I’m not dating your kid!”
“But, in the long run, we’re a package deal. If things were serious, she’d be a part of your life. Can you honestly say you want that?”
“Does her dad? Because where the fuck has he been?”
I took a deep, calming breath before I continued. “There’s more to it than appears. It’s truly a fucked up situation, but right now we are talking about you and I. This was never gonna go anywhere. And I think you know that.”
He crossed his arms over his chest as he looked defensively at me.
“Jeff, you don’t have the responsibilities I do. And I don’t think you want them, do you?”
He looked away at that.
Which was a pretty good indicator that I was right.
So I continued on. “That’s why it took me so long to go out with you in the first place. Because, as fun as you are and as great as it’s been to cut loose with you sometimes, I do have a massive responsibility. And I can’t fuck it up.” My voice softened as genuine remorse over my behavior hit me. “I shouldn’t have waited to tell you he was here. You didn’t deserve that. And I’m really sorry about that shit in the men’s room. Because you really, really didn’t deserve that. But I think it’s best if you and I… stop.”
With a twist of his mouth and a curt nod, he turned on his heel and left without a word. Back into the bar.
“Fuck, do you think I should go after him,” I said as the fight left me and I sagged into Brynn. “Conall’s still in there.”
“Kian won’t let anything happen,” she calmly assured me. “Let’s just give it a few minutes. Let it play out.”
I stepped away and leaned up against the exterior brick wall of the bar, raising my eyes to the stars above, only faintly visible through the smoky atmosphere.
“So, you kissed him, huh?” she murmured.
My hands rose to cover my eyes.
“Oh God,” I moaned. “I did. And then some… Brynn, I don’t know what the hell is happening to me. I don’t have the faintest idea what to think about what he told me.”
She shot me an inquisitive expression through the dimly lit night. “What did he say?”
“How he felt. All this time, I never knew how he felt. I just thought he saw me as Matt’s bratty little sister. Then everything went to shit and he left. But, yet, he didn’t want to come back. He just felt like he had to.”
“For you, though,” she quietly said.
I shook my head. “For Matt,” I said sadly. “I’m what kept him away.”
Conall
This was likely a long time coming. I knew now that this Kian guy wasn’t Sage’s boyfriend, but he obviously wasn’t going to let that stop him from trying to beat my ass.
“Do you have any idea how much I’d like to tear you apart?” His voice was calm, but cold. “You’ve been back for, what, a week and a half? And you’ve managed to turn her whole fucking world upside down.”
I gritted my teeth to hold back some smartass retort. I wasn’t a hundred percent sure I could take Kian. I was big, but he might have been just a little bigger. He was definitely taller, and there was a dangerous quality about him. But I was pissed as hell, a little drunk, and pretty certain I could put up one hell of a fight. And here he was talking to me like I was a kid, which pissed me off even more, and I bristled with the scathing tone to his voice.
Even though part of me knew he was right.
“Do you want her?” he asked.
My eyes narrowed at him. “Is that a trick question?”
He shrugged. “Just think carefully before you answer.”
I stared him down for a minute, finally relenting to speak when it occurred to me that he actually wasn’t just being a dick. He was watching out for Sage.
“For a long time,” I finally said, “she was the only person in the world who cared whether I lived or died. I took everything she gave me, and I fucked up her whole life in return.”
“But you came back. Why?”
“I didn’t intend to let her see me.” I swallowed hard. “I just wanted to make sure she was okay.”
Kian took a deep breath before he spoke again. “She is and she isn’t. It’s been rough for her, but she’s making it. She has to… for Mattie. You need to figure what you have to do. And, until you get that figured out, quit fucking with her head, man.”
Kian started back down the hallway towards the barroom. When he got to the end of the hall, he nodded and looked back at me. “Jeff’s by the bar. I suggest you make a wide arc on your way out the front door.”
“You’re kicking me out of the bar?”
“I’m making a suggestion. I don’t really give two fucks if you get your ass kicked. But I’m willing to bet Sage would. So, get your head out of your ass and start thinking about those around you for a change.”
Without another word, Kian headed towards the back exit.
Sage
Brynn drove me home in her car, Kian followed in mine. They helped my drunken ass into my apartment. I vaguely remembered Brynn tucking me in and setting my alarm to go get Mattie in the morning.
I didn’t need the alarm. Even as liquored up as I had been, I woke up with the sun. Always did. My body’s internal clock knew that was the only peace and quiet I’d get until Mattie was asleep at night, so I rarely slept past five in the morning.
I lay there for a long time, just contemplating what had happened. The feel of Conall’s hands on my body. The words he had said. I wondered if he was telling the truth, or if it was the booze talking. At any rate, I knew he felt something. I just wasn’t sure if that was good or bad.
Feeling a little queasy, I climbed out of bed and grabbed a Diet Coke and some Ritz crackers to settle my stomach. I walked out onto my little patio, taking a long sip of the soda and munching my last couple crackers as the early morning sun cast an orange glow through the lightly smoky air.
After a long shower, it was time to head up to get Mattie, who I could hear chattering right through the door when I knocked. She gave a quick, sloppy goodbye kiss to her sitter and gathered up her My Little Pony sleeping bag. And her My Little Pony pillow. And her My Little Ponies themselves. Then she chattered my ear off all the way back to our apartment.
I heard my iPhone ringing as we walked through the door, and Mattie ran to grab it, trying to sound out the name that had appeared on the screen.
“Mommy, it’s C-Con—”
“Conall?” I asked.
“Um… yup!” she smiled widely.
“Good job, monkey,” I said as I pressed the touchscreen with a shaky finger to take the call. “Why don’t you go put your stuff in your room, and we’ll make some pancakes or something.” I stepped back out on the patio as I brought the phone to my ear. “Hello?”
“Hey…” he said hesitantly.
For a second, my voice didn’t want to work. My mouth moved, but nothing came out. Finally, I managed to quietly say “Morning.”
“I wanted to apologize,” he began, “for last night.”
“What part?
Kissing me, or just being a dick in general?”
“Um… both?” He cleared his throat, and started again. “Anyway, tell your boyfriend I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, I don’t really have one of those anymore. We sorta split the sheets last night.”
“Because of me?”
“It’s not that big of a deal. It wasn’t really that serious, but you kinda knew that.” I exhaled slowly, filling an uncomfortable silence. It was only seconds, but painfully awkward. “So, anyway… is that it?”
“Well, I was wondering if we could maybe have dinner. Kinda like… friends. See if we can’t figure out some of this shit. I’ve been thinking about things a lot.”
“I can’t for a couple days. I have three twelves starting tonight, so I’ll be kinda busy.”
“So Monday, maybe?”
“We don’t have to do dinner, Conall. I’d hate to take away from your riveting social life.”
“Sage…”
“No, really. I think it’s great that you found someone to hook up with so soon. Granted, she’s a total whore, but to each his own.”
“Sage, it wasn’t—”
“Listen, I actually don’t really want to talk about your love life, okay. Or mine. We need to limit our discussions to Mattie, I think.” For a moment, I only heard silence. I quickly pulled the phone away to make sure the call hadn’t been dropped. It still seemed connected, so I put I back to my ear. “Conall?”
“Fine,” he finally said, “we’ll discuss Mattie.”
“Okay,” I murmured warily, “I’ve been checking into some options. There’s a non-profit that provides legal services to people with low income.”
“Sage—” he started.
“No, just listen for a minute. I’ll apply for the services. I’m broke as hell, but if we do some kind of mediation or something through them—”
“No,” Conall said emphatically.
“It would be best for Mattie if we didn’t keep having this same fucking argument,” I sighed. “We just need to get some things outlined. So we both know she’s being taken care of, that we’re doing what we can for her.”
Conall was quiet on the other end. The tension emanated clear through the phone line. I could almost see his clenched jaw. His furrowed brow. I could feel that he didn’t want this formality… yet he was considering it for Mattie.
“Otherwise,” I tried to explain, “we’re just going to keep fighting, and I know you don’t want that for her.”
“I’ll pay for the lawyer, then,” he clipped. “It shouldn’t be too bad if we’re just essentially getting some paperwork filed anyway.”
“I don’t want you to pay for it all, Conall,” I said carefully, my heart rate rising. “It’s not fair to make you foot the bill for the whole thing.”
Conall paused on the phone. “Sage, I’ll give you whatever you need for her. I’ll write that on a motherfucking piece of paper and have it notarized.”
God, he was stubborn. “Neither one of us is really experienced with this sort of thing. Don’t you think it might be best to have someone help us sort it out? Someone with a bit of legal knowledge who knows what kinds of things might come up in the future? So we can be prepared?”
After a long moment, he agreed. Sort of. “Yeah, you’re probably right. But not this free shit. We’ll do it the right way. I’ll pay.”
“Conall…” I exhaled forcefully. “Are we really gonna have this argument again? This is just like with the car.”
“You needed the car,” he began.
“Oh my God. Just stop,” I groaned. “I’m not going to fight with you about the car again.”
“Don’t fight with me about the legal fees either. I can afford it,” he contested, “and you can’t. It’s simple. I’ll pay.”
Now I was quiet. Defiantly so. I felt like we were just fighting in circles, over and over.
“Sage,” he sighed, “I’m not gonna back down on this, so you may as well just give in.”
Ugh. So stubborn.
“Fine,” I finally muttered.
“Okay,” he replied. “What do you need me to do?”
“I don’t really know yet. I’ll get a referral, make an appointment to get things started. My guess is we’ll both need to be there.”
“Okay, just let me know when and where.” With those last hard words, he disconnected the call and was gone.
Chapter 11 ~ Mediation, Take One
Conall
I hated this.
Sitting in a stark office going over the black and white details of my life with a complete stranger to determine what my fair share of responsibility should be for Mattie. This sucked. Big time.
Because I wanted to give them everything.
“So, let’s get started, shall we?” Robyn began. Her door said Robyn Patrick, Attorney at Law, Professional Mediator. Her features were rather severe looking, her hair pulled tightly back with next to no make-up, and she wore man clothes. My initial guess was that she was probably a man-hating lesbian or something. Strangely, this made me feel kind of good. If she despised men, maybe she’d make it easier for me to give Sage and Mattie all I wanted to, thinking that I was a deadbeat dad who needed to be taken to heel for being absent the last five years.
But she was actually pretty nice. Not warm and fuzzy nice, but nice, nonetheless. We filled out some contact forms and she instructed us on things we’d need to write up.
“Okay, first, there are some documents you guys will have to complete, starting with a financial declaration that will include a property and liability statement listing all your assets.”
“I don’t really have any assets,” Sage murmured quietly. “Just my crappy old Taurus, which is probably more of a liability.”
“The Subaru is in your name, Sage,” I reminded her.
“Yeah, but you bought it.”
“You bought her a car?” Robyn asked.
“A pretty fancy one, too,” Sage replied, grimacing at Robyn. “Much nicer than I need.”
“It’s not that fancy. And she needed it,” I explained. “Her old Taurus died.”
“I didn’t need a brand new car,” Sage countered as she frowned at me, then looked back at Robyn. “We need to make sure it is accounted for that he bought it. Also, he’s covering all the legal fees, so we need to make sure he gets credit for that, too. He really doesn’t owe me anything, I don’t think.”
“You’ve been raising Mattie on your own for almost five years, Sage,” Robyn stated, pointedly looking over her reading glasses.
“That’s what I tried to tell her,” I mumbled.
“It’s not his fault,” Sage said quietly. “He didn’t know.”
“But that’s not her fault,” I said quickly. “She didn’t know how to find me.”
Robyn looked back and forth at Sage and I for a moment, a little confused by our backwards arguments. Likely, this was exactly the opposite of the usual conversations she had to mediate. I remembered my own parents and their fighting and blame. And here Sage and I were both claiming the other person’s innocence in the situation and trying to ensure we weren’t being unfair.
“Huh…" Robyn uttered thoughtfully before looking back down to the packet before her. “Well, another document that I’ll have you each write up is a letter outlining the issues and your position. This is where you explain how you found yourselves in this situation. I normally tell people to try not to blame each other for all the difficulties, but I almost feel like I need to instruct you to make sure you are holding each other accountable.”
Sage and I glanced at each other. Yeah, that was probably not going to happen. I knew there was no way I could fault her for anything that had led us to this point. And the way she was looking at me, she had no desire to throw me under the bus either.
“So, once we’ve gotten those statements, we’ll work through a parenting plan and a child support agreement. Do you have any temporary orders? Any existing settlements?”
We synchro
nously shook our heads.
“Okay,” she looked back at her list. “At this time, we won’t worry so much about backup documentation unless there is a question or dispute on things like income, assets, property value.”
“Neither of us really has anything,” Sage said, “so I don’t see much dispute coming up there.”
“I have a fair amount of money,” I stated firmly. “She needs a good chunk of that.”
“You’ve already bought me the car,” Sage countered. “That is a good chunk of that.”
“You’ve been footing the bill since Mattie was born,” I replied with a little bit of frustration. “I think you’re entitled to a little compensation.”
Sage drew her eyebrows together and looked away with a huff, at which point Robyn once again interjected.
“Okay, this doesn’t really have to be a big deal. The fact is that you both want what’s best for your daughter, right?” Both Sage and I each gave a small nod, as though we were being reprimanded for our childish behavior. “You two have to be willing to compromise and work together in order for this to be successful. So don’t go into this with your heels dug in because you will only sabotage the mediation.”
“Sorry,” Sage mumbled.
“Yeah,” I followed, “sorry. I just want them to be taken care of. Both of them.”
“I can see that,” Robyn replied. “And that is what we are doing here.”
“But not by making things hard for Conall,” Sage said adamantly. “It needs to be fair.”
Sage
I stood and more or less bolted from the room after essentially being reprimanded by the mediator. Of course I wanted what was best for Mattie. But that didn’t mean that I wanted to squeeze everything I could get out of Conall. Money was… just money. It wouldn’t make up for the time she’d missed out on him. And, especially now that I had the car, there really didn’t seem to be anything at all that I needed. Needs and wants weren’t necessarily the same thing. Sure, there was a lot I wanted.
Mostly I wanted Conall.
Always Conall (Bitterroot #2) Page 10