“Oh my God.”
“Actually, though,” she put the set back and grabbed a different one, this one had a chain. And three of the clippie parts. “This is more of what I wanted.”
“Oh my God,” I murmured… again. “I’m a little afraid to ask, but where does the third one go?”
“Guess.”
“Oh my God.”
Brynn laughed again. “Would you stop saying that? Here,” she said, turning towards a shelf full of items that seriously made me blush. Penises in every size and color. Other things that were obviously meant to simulate a cock, but didn’t seem to have the graphic characteristics. I was almost too embarrassed to look, yet, like a hideous car wreck, I couldn’t pull my eyes away. “Let’s look over here. You need to branch out, but with something less scary. Let’s find you a nice new vibrator.”
“I don’t even have a nice old vibrator,” I murmured.
“Oh, dear. You’re totally missing out then.”
“Really, Brynn… I don’t need a vibrator. I’m just… um…” I looked around at the room to see a large display of… tails? “Holy shit… are those tails?”
“Yep. On plugs,” Brynn smiled.
“Plugs?” I asked and looked at them again. “Oh, plugs! Oh my God! Those look like pony tails.”
Brynn began to laugh, pulling down a plug with a long, silky purple swirl of pony tail. “You could totally dress up like Twilight Sparkle.”
“Right, like that’s going to happen.” I was part mortified… yet, to be completely honest, I was also part… intrigued.
“Never say never,” she grinned. “I’m totally buying this for you. I have to. It’s too funny.”
“No, you don’t. You really don’t.”
But she totally bought it anyway. I was totally mortified. Pretty sure I’d never stop blushing again as long as I lived.
As soon as I got home, the pony plug tail thingy went straight in my dresser drawer, not even removed from the bag, and I vowed that it would never ever ever be removed from the packaging.
Ever.
Oh. My. God.
But Brynn had been right about one thing.
She definitely got my mind off Conall and Mattie for a bit.
Conall
I opened the back door of my pickup to help Mattie out of her little purple and silver car seat. I’d gone back to Target and bought a second one on my way over to Kian’s gym that afternoon, hoping she’d feel more comfortable with me if she had some familiar items around.
Hence the stuffed Twilight Sparkle (I could finally remember that one pony’s name anyway) that she snuggled tightly in her pudgy little arms.
After leaving Brynn and Kian’s, we’d gone to Toys R’ Us, and she picked out the soft and snuggly pony to cuddle, along with a couple My Little Pony coloring books, one of which came with stickers and a packet of pastel crayons. Then we went to Dairy Queen for Oreo Blizzards, and colored together (yes, I colored in a My Little Pony coloring book in the middle of Dairy Queen) while she chattered my ear off telling me even more about her ponies.
Apparently, I hadn’t learned everything there was to know before after all. She said I could be a Brony, which made me smile even if it still seemed kind of emasculating to a certain extent. She even gave me the Brony sticker from the coloring book, some pony prince dude, and told me to keep it in a safe place, so I stuck it to the center of my billfold.
So manly.
We walked to a nearby pet store where she oohed and ahhed over the hamsters and guinea pigs. The lizards and fish intrigued her. The snakes and spiders made her jump up into my arms and bury her face in my neck. I held her close and carried her away from the creepy little critters, feeling a little awed by the trust she placed in me. Almost choking up a little at the thought that she knew her daddy would take care of her.
The whole afternoon was really… phenomenal. Exhausting. Amusing and enlightening.
The only part missing was Sage.
Evidently, Mattie sort of felt it, too. “I miss Mommy,” she said quietly on the way back to the apartment.
“I’ll bet Mommy misses you, too,” I offered.
“Do you think she was lonely?”
I’d been trying not to think of that all afternoon. But seeing the tears in her eyes as she’d driven away… she was probably a wreck. “I think she’ll be really happy to see you, kiddo,” I replied.
Sage quickly opened the door when we reached the top of the stairs, making me think she’d been sitting on the edge of her seat waiting and listening. She appeared almost breathless at first glance, smiling at me nervously, then pursing her lips at the stuffed pony in Mattie’s arms.
With my shrug, she chuckled slightly in defeat. “You’re hopeless.”
“I’ve got five years of being a sucker to make up for,” I smiled wryly. “So what did you do with your day?”
Sage immediately blushed scarlet and quickly turned away. “Oh, just hung out with Brynn…” she murmured. “Hey, Mattie, why don’t you go put your pony on your bed and wash your hands for dinner.”
“Okay, Mommy,” Mattie called out as she skipped down the hallway.
Sage smiled and turned back to me, looking shy and uncomfortable all of a sudden. “You’re welcome to stay, if you want. For dinner. It isn’t anything too exciting, just chicken and rice soup, but…”
Fuck, I wanted to. Badly.
“I’d really, really love to, Sage, but I can’t. I’ve got a lot to do at the ranch to make up for being gone all day,” I said, setting down a bag that contained all the things Mattie had talked me into buying that day. “Here’s a bunch of stuff that we picked up. Coloring books and a few other things she picked out.”
“Do you want to take it with you?” Sage offered. “Keep it out at your place? It makes sense for you to have some stuff for her.”
Oddly, the thought hadn’t really occurred to me that she’d ever be out on the ranch with me. Not that I didn’t want her there, but I hadn’t considered that Sage would let me.
“When I was out there the other day,” she said, “before… well, you know… um, I was talking to Jacob. It crossed my mind that Mattie would love it out there. The cows and the chickens and the baby horse.” Sage chewed at her lip for a second. “Since we’re working on getting a parenting plan written up, it might be good for you to start pulling some things together. So she feels at home when she starts staying out there with you sometimes.”
“Yeah,” I said in a bit of a stupor, still slightly amazed that she’d trust me with that. And more than a little freaked out by it. But in kind of a good way. A freaky good way.
“Maybe one of these weekends, you could take her out there,” she suggested.
“You’d let me?” I blurted out.
“She’s your daughter, too, Conall,” she wistfully reminded me.
“I know, I just…” I started and then my voice trailed off. Sage was shaking like a leaf, and I realized how hard this was for her. How much this really meant. Respect swelled inside me, appreciation and concern. “Thank you.”
“See? We can do this…” she said, releasing a deep breath.
Just then Mattie came galloping down the hallway. “Daddy better wash his hands,” she chirped as she headed to the kitchen.
“I can’t stay, kiddo,” I said, stopping her in her tracks. “I’ve gotta get back out to the ranch to feed all the critters.”
“But you’re my daddy,” she said, her face falling. “You’re s’posed to be with us.”
I walked over to her, kneeling down and to focus on her shattered little expression. “Mattie, we’re still kind of figuring out how all this is going to work. Because, sometimes mommies and daddies don’t live together. But I promise that I’ll always be your daddy. You’re stuck with me, kiddo.”
“It’s kinda like your friend Rachel,” Sage offered. “She lives with her mommy sometimes and her daddy sometimes. So… sometimes, you’ll be here with me, and sometimes you’ll be out at the
ranch with your daddy.”
“At the ranch?” Mattie’s eyes went wide. “With the horsies?”
And just like that, she was over it.
I mean, really. Like anything could compare with horses. Even her mom and me, apparently. I chuckled a little. “Yeah, with the horsies.”
“When?” she asked me. “Tomorrow?”
“Tomorrow’s Monday, monkey, and you’ve got your art day camp all week,” Sage said gently. “Maybe next weekend, if it’s okay with your dad.”
“Sounds like a plan,” I smiled at Sage, then down to Mattie. “So you go eat dinner with your mommy. And I’ll come pick you up in a couple days to go out there, okay?”
“Yippee!” Mattie exclaimed, and jumped up to wrap her arms around my neck.
“Okay, go eat your dinner now,” I said, giving her a quick little squeeze. As I straightened, I glanced back over at Sage, and she offered me a tremulous smile. “Bye, honey,” I murmured.
Her quiet goodbye echoed through my mind all the way outside and back to the ranch.
And into my dreams that night.
Chapter 17 ~ Mattie’s Day
Sage
“Mattie,” I called into the living room, “come eat your cereal.”
No answer.
“Hey, monkey,” I looked around the entryway to the kitchen to see her pressing her little nose against the living room window, looking out into the street below. “What are you doing?”
“When is he gonna be here?”
“Pretty soon, but you have to eat your cereal so you’re ready to go.”
Begrudgingly, she shuffled back into the kitchen to sit at the table. Halfway through her bowl, a knock sounded at the door and with a squeal she was up and running.
“Mattie, wait,” I called out after her, “let me make sure I know who it is first.”
Surprisingly, she waited. Granted, she jumped up and down squealing “Hurry, hurry, Mommy!” the whole time. But she did wait.
A glance through the peephole revealed it was indeed Conall. My breath caught in my throat a little. I had to quit that shit. Things were going good. We were on the same page. Friends… for Mattie. Keeping things completely innocent. On the outside anyway. Inside, I ached for him. I dreamed of him. Inside, I craved him.
I took a deep breath and pulled the door open, smiling as Mattie threw herself at him, hugging him tightly around the leg.
“Daddy!”
Every time I heard her say that, my heart got a little tight.
“Hey, how’s my little girl?” he grinned as he smoothed her bangs back from her head.
And every time I heard his voice, my whole body squeezed a little tighter.
Okay, friends. Come on, Sage. You can do this.
Conall smiled at me. “Hey,” he murmured.
My breath totally caught for a split second. “Hi,” I forced out. “She’s really excited about this… in case you couldn’t tell. She’s barely talked about anything else for days.” I chuckled, hoping it came off more nonchalant than I felt.
“Do I get to ride a horsey?” Mattie asked exuberantly, bouncing up on the balls of her feet.
“Sure do,” Conall grinned as he held up a Murdoch’s bag containing a medium-sized box. “I even brought a present for you.” He looked back at me for a minute. “I hope they fit. I sorta had to guess and went a little bigger than I thought, but we could stop by Murdoch’s on the way out if they’re not right.”
As he held open the bag, I glanced at the size listed on the box. “They should be fine,” I assured him.
Conall slipped the package from the bag and handed it to Mattie who immediately plopped down on the floor and lifted the lid.
“Oh my gosh!” she whooped as she held up sparkly purple Fatboy cowgirl boots. “Aaaaaaaahhhh!” Frantically, she shucked off her tennie runners, and slipped her feet in. “I’m never taking them off! Ever!”
“Do they fit okay?” I asked. “Are they big enough?”
“Perfect!” she exclaimed. They did look a tidge big, but we’d probably never be able to get them off her. Plus, she was growing like a weed, so it wouldn’t be long before they actually were perfect.
“Okay, go grab your jacket and backpack, monkey,” I laughed and turned back to Conall as Mattie clomped off in her new boots. “She’s got some snacks in her pack. A couple juice boxes and stuff, so she should be pretty set.”
For a moment, Conall just looked at me, then kind of shook his head as though to clear his thoughts. “You should come with us.”
Surprised by his invitation, I stuttered a little with a response. “I, um… I don’t know, Conall. I don’t want to intrude on your time with her.”
“You wouldn’t be. You know she’d love to have us both there, and I think you might have fun, too.” His smile was tempting me. The carefree light in his eyes reminded me of that boy I’d loved so long ago. “Come on…” he prodded. “Come with us.”
My mouth had gone dry. Spending the whole day with him. Out on the ranch watching him do ranch stuff. When I’d gone out there with him and Matt in the past, I’d always come home twice as in love with him as I’d been when we left. Something about that setting fed the romantic ideas in my mind, building them up and breathing new life into those daydreams I’d tried to repress since forever.
“Mommy’s coming too?” Mattie asked as she dragged her backpack behind her back into the living room. Looking up at me, she grinned. “Are you gonna ride a horsey too?”
“I don’t really know that—” I began.
“I think your mommy needs convincing, Mattie,” Conall laughed.
“Please, Mommy,” Mattie began to beg. She grabbed my hand and began to pull, jumping up and down a little to emphasize just how badly she wanted me along. “Please, please, please, please, please.”
“Mattie,” I started again.
“But Mommy,” she interrupted, “I’m saying please.”
“I know you are, monkey, but—”
“She’s saying please,” Conall interjected. I shot him a dirty look that made him chuckle. “Come on, Sage. Come with us.”
“Come on, Mommy. Come with us,” Mattie parroted. And then she started with major puppy dog eyes, beseeching me with another last little high-pitched, “Please, please, please.”
So I totally caved. “Fine,” I said with an exaggerated sigh of defeat that made Mattie giggle.
“Yay!” she exclaimed, bouncing up and down in her little purple boots. “Mommy’s coming!” Still holding onto my fingers, she snagged Conall’s with her other hand and began to pull us towards the door. “Let’s go! Let’s go!”
Mattie’s excitement was rather contagious. In spite of how agonizing it would be to just be so close to Conall all day, I laughed at her impatience.
But I about fainted when Conall put his hand on my hip to guide me through the door.
Agonizing.
Conall
As Sage had figured, Mattie loved the ranch. She about exploded with excitement at the first sign of a cow, and she squealed with delight when she spied the barn, especially with the foal in the adjoining corral. The foal was our first stop.
“What’s his name?” Mattie asked in wonder as she gazed into the young foal’s eyes and I showed her how to hold her hand really flat to allow him to sniff her palm.
“He has a big long name that I can’t quite remember off the top of my head,” I replied, “but we just call him Snickers.”
“Hi, Snickers,” she cooed as she carefully stroked the colt’s velvety nose.
I looked over to see Sage reaching up to scratch the mare behind her ears. Almost as though they were finding common ground with their roles as mothers. A slight smile touched her lips as the sorrel horse leaned into Sage’s hand, a look that mirrored Mattie’s own expression with the foal.
And just for a minute, I imagined that this was my reality. My every day.
Because I kind of wanted it to be.
“So, Mattie,” I final
ly said, “you want to go for a ride?”
“I want to ride the baby!” Mattie turned quickly, frightening the little foal with her sudden movement. The colt jumped away and kicked his legs out wildly, and Mattie giggled at his antics.
“Well,” I told her, “he’s just a little guy. His little spindly legs wouldn’t hold you, but we’ve got a few other horses that you could ride on the other side of the barn.”
Mattie was ecstatic, but well-behaved, following my directions not to kick or squeal too much and to hold on tight to the saddle horn. She sat before me on the horse, settled against my chest, and reveled in the short little horseback ride around the field. As we returned to the barn, I saw Jacob talking to Sage, a gap-toothed smile on his face.
“Hey, Conall,” he grinned, “I was just telling Sage here about the puppies. I bet Mattie would love to see them.”
“Puppies?” Mattie exclaimed in wonder as Sage lifted her down from the horse. Mattie zipped straight to Jacob and smiled up at him beseechingly. “I want to see the puppies!”
“Okay, short stuff,” he laughed, then he looked back up at me. “I’ll take her down there if you want to give Mattie’s mom a ride, too.” Jacob glanced back down to Mattie as they started towards the house. “They’re the cutest little pups you’ve ever seen.”
“Conall,” Sage quickly informed me as soon as they stepped away, “I don’t need to ride.”
“Come on, Sage,” I teased. “Live a little.”
“I haven’t been on a horse in years,” she laughed. “I’ll pass, thanks.”
“You used to love horseback riding. We could barely get you off them,” I reminded her. Guiding the horse closer, I lowered my voice and held out my hand. “Get your ass up here, Sage. Unless,” I paused, eying her playfully, “you’re a chicken.”
Sage gave me a look of mock outrage. “Chicken? I am not a chicken.”
“Bawk, bawk,” I mimicked in a deadpan voice, hoping this worked. Sage always rose to the bait when we were kids. I hoped she would now.
Finally, after rolling her eyes with a laugh, she stepped up to the horse and grasped my outstretched hand. I pulled my foot out of the stirrup so she could place her foot in it, and I easily pulled her up behind me. For just a second, I inhaled deeply as she wrapped her arms around my waist. Being this close was killing me, but I loved it and thanked every god there ever was for giving me this moment. As the horse began to move, her hold tightened, and I placed my hand over hers.
Always Conall (Bitterroot #2) Page 16