I turned to look at Steven again and felt a twinge in my heart. He was so handsome. Plenty of days I had wished he wasn’t so resolutely gay, but I wouldn’t change anything about him. His breath caught for a moment before he mumbled something in his sleep. He shifted his body and cuddled in closer to my body, his face burying into my neck close enough that I could feel the swell of his lips against my skin. His fingers flexed and curled into my side, tugging at me so he could press against me. I felt Jodi’s leg flex against the movement, keeping me in place and forcing Steven to inch closer.
I smiled up at the ceiling, enjoying the feeling of being needed, being wanted by the two people I needed the most. I felt a laugh bubble up in my throat at the thought of my mother walking in right now and seeing us tangled so. I pressed my lips into a thin line to stop it, not wanting to wake anyone.
I took a deep breath in through my mouth, tasting Steven’s smoke and Jodi’s breeze on my tongue, and pushed those negative thoughts from my mind. This was a stolen moment, I knew that; I didn’t need to ruin it for myself. I slipped my arms under the covers and rested my hands on Steven’s arm, rubbing my thumbs in circles to soothe him and stop his mumblings. His body relaxed against mine in a few moments.
Closing my eyes, I could see the red and orange glow of Steven’s aura on my left while Jodi’s white, blue, and lavender sparkled and snapped on my right. I was in the dark in the middle, reflecting and absorbing them all at once. I didn’t worry that in my mind I couldn’t see my aura, since you weren’t supposed to see your own, but as theirs bled into me, I wondered if I was feeding off of them. How could I do something I didn’t know how to do? It was like waking up one day and suddenly knowing how to speak another language.
When we shielded each other, we were lending energy to each other, but was that the same as feeding off of it? Maybe it was for me. Jodi and Steven hadn’t known how to open channels between them and other people before I taught them how. And even now, after so many years, they could only open a channel between themselves and me with relative ease. They could open a channel with another person, but it took a great deal of effort and power, and once it was open, it was incredibly difficult to close it later. Maybe all they had learned was how to help me. I shook my head against that thought; I gave them as much power and energy as I took from them.
I blew out a breath I didn’t know I was holding and forced my jaw apart before I gave myself a headache. I mentally cursed Liam, hating him for making me face this. Maybe one day I would need to address this, but damn it, I wasn’t ready right now. I thought about my dream and my mother’s dream and realized that was why I couldn’t stop thinking about Liam’s words.
I might die in a fire because I couldn’t let someone else die alone in it. I couldn’t live with hearing them, feeling them die. It would kill something inside of me right along with them. If I didn’t go in after them, their pain would break my mind and I would be less than a quivering mess in a padded cell. If being forced to feel other people’s emotions could do something like that to me, was it so terrible that I could lay here in a puppy pile and breathe in fresh life from my friends? But the world didn’t work like that; life wasn’t fair, so there was no point in asking that question.
The sun’s creeping rays were starting to light the backyard, making the slats of my window glow in the quasi dark of my room. I had no idea what late night, early morning program was playing on the T.V. and it didn’t really matter because it hadn’t done its job tonight. I usually left it on so that the ambient noise and light would help keep my mind quiet and let me slip into sleep. Usually it kept the dreams away too, but on nights like tonight, nothing could keep the terror away.
Could I run into a fire to save a stranger from a terrible death? Wouldn’t that be just as selfish an act if I did? What would happen to Jodi and Steven if I died? I know what would happen to me if one of them died. It would simply kill me. So how could I run into a fire to save someone just to risk the lives of the two people who kept me alive every day? Unless maybe I was running to save one of them.
Chapter 12
I could hear the buzz of my phone vibrating against a hard surface somewhere in the distance. I wanted to make that annoying noise stop, but opening my eyes seemed too difficult. I could feel weight and warmth around me. It was soothing and comforting. Not something I got to feel all that often. Why should I break this dream for a phone call? It buzzed again, an angry, giant bee demanding my attention.
“Just answer it,” a muffled male voice said beside me, in between the phone and me.
“Or throw it out the window,” a similarly muffled female voice complained on the other side of me. The phone buzzed again, a little louder this time, and then stopped.
“Good,” one of them grumbled. I started sinking back into the void of sleep when the damn thing went off again, jarring me. I thought it was just signaling a voice message, but when it vibrated again, I knew someone was calling again. Two calls back to back? That was enough to wake me up completely, remembering Jodi and Steven on either side of me.
I pried my eyes open, realizing they felt swollen, like I’d cried myself to sleep last night. I pushed Jodi’s leg off of mine and sat up, making Steven’s arm fall into my lap. Although he’d fallen asleep on his side last night, he had rolled over onto his stomach, but his arm never left me.
I leaned over him, reaching for the phone, stretching my body as far as I could without disturbing them too much. The phone nearly danced out of my reach, but I managed to catch it with my nails and dragged it over to me. I rested my weight across Steven’s back so that I could look at the display on my phone before answering it. The number that flashed across the screen was blocked. I felt my jaw clench in annoyance.
“Yes?” I answered, not appreciating being woken up so persistently when the only people who would be forgiven for it were in this house with me.
“Shayna?” My trainer’s voice was tiny in the phone, but as soon as I realized it was him, I knew I’d screwed up.
“Oh, no!” I jolted up, jostling Steven and Jodi as I tried to extract myself from the bed, falling to the floor as I scrambled over Steven.
“I guess that means you’re going to be late,” he said, trying for light hearted, but I could hear the edge of annoyance in his voice.
“Michael, I am so sorry.” I was looking for clothes, but as I bent over for a drawer, the room tilted a little and I knew I was still too tired to face Michael in the gym.
“Want to cancel?” he offered, making me cringe.
“No, no,” I said quickly, stopping my hunt for clothing to stand in the middle of the room, trying to get my head straight. “I don’t want to miss.”
“How about we reschedule then?”
“Okay, for when?”
“Still want to train today?”
“Yeah, if you can fit it in later.”
“Okay, it’s eleven now, how about two thirty?” I blinked at the clock, wondering how we’d slept through the morning already. I agreed to the time change and ended the call with a sigh, relieved he’d been nice about everything.
“Missed your session?” Steven asked, looking up at me from the mound of pillows.
“Yeah, damn it.” I set my phone back on the nightstand and had to fight the urge not to fall back into bed. I found my brush and started putting myself together. If I was going to be training in a little more than three hours, I had to start moving now.
“Hey, since you’re up…” Jodi pulled the covers away from her face and smiled up at me, batting her eyes dramatically.
“Dude, get up and get your own damn coffee,” I said as I threw a house slipper at her, scoring a hit to her hip. She groaned, stretching long and reaching for the wall behind her head with her fingers before sitting up.
“Bitch,” she said.
“If the shoe fits,” I replied. Jodi pushed at Steven with her feet to force him out of bed before she climbed out behind him. I was already going through the door
to head for the kitchen.
I had no illusions that my mom would’ve left coffee for us or had a fresh pot made so late in the morning, but just like the other day when Jodi was here, that just meant I’d get to make fresh and use my sugar and cream. When I came down the hall, I could hear the ambient noise of the television from the living room and the mouse clicking as my mom sat at her computer in the corner.
“Wow, you’re up before noon,” she said by way of greeting.
“Yeah, phone woke me,” I said around a yawn. I reached for the empty carafe and started filling it under the tap.
“Hello, kids,” she said to Jodi and Steven as they came into view from the hallway. They each greeted her before joining me. Jodi just grabbed a chair from the kitchen table and plopped into it, but Steven started rooting around for food.
“So who called so early?” she asked with only a little bit of sarcasm about the time.
“Michael,” I answered and began pouring the water into the reservoir. “I had a training session this morning and forgot.”
I hit the start button and frowned at the coffee maker, not happy with the thought of waiting three whole minutes for it to percolate. Steven managed to find my dad’s stash of strawberry Pop Tarts in the cereal cabinet and I nodded at him after he jiggled the box my way, wanting to steal a pouch. Jodi and I weren’t going eat before we had some coffee, so I didn’t bother to offer her anything.
“So what are you kids doing today?” my mom asked as she walked into the kitchen to get herself a cold drink since she’d probably been awake for hours.
“I rescheduled with Michael for two thirty,” I said, eyes still watching the steady stream of coffee. “Probably get something to eat before I take them home.”
“Do you have any plans for tomorrow night?” Tomorrow was New Year’s Eve and the first one we’d be adults for, not that we could enjoy a glass of bubbly or anything.
“Probably go up to State Street,” Jodi said, her voice only slightly muffled as she rested her head on her crossed arms on the table.
“Why way up there?”
“Better crowd,” Jodi explained. “Main Street down here gets a lot of creepers and there’s more bars, so more drunk people. State Street has clubs, so there’s stuff for us to do.”
“Ah, well then, I guess it’s the safer of the two choices.” She sounded surprised to be agreeing with us, but Jodi was right about the bar verses club ratio on the two streets. Not that I was particularly keen on ringing in the New Year in a club. I’d have to come up with an alternative plan quickly if I wanted to avoid that.
“Are you and Shayna’s dad doing anything?” Steven asked through a mouthful of Pop Tart. He hadn’t even bothered to toast it.
“Oh no,” she said with a smile. “We’re old now; that’s way past our bedtime.” Steven laughed politely, assuring her she wasn’t old at all, but it was all background noise to me. The coffee pot was full enough for me to pull out mid brew to pour three cups. I slid the carafe back into place and began to doctor our coffee.
Steven didn’t take much in his, just one scoop of sugar and a drop of cream, whereas Jodi and I liked it sweet and almost white. Another wonderful thing about Steven’s coffee habits, he’d only have the one cup, leaving the rest to us.
“You know you can just eat here,” my mom offered, looking mostly at me.
“Yeah, but with Steven, we may run out of food,” Jodi said, making me and my mom laugh, but Steven shot her an unfriendly look.
“It’s fine. I just went to the store; there’s plenty,” my mom said, waving her hands at me and Steven to get out of her way. I walked around the center island and went to sit by Jodi. My mom plucked the Pop Tarts box out of Steven’s hands as he went to follow. We sat like hangover victims cradling our coffee cups in our hands while she set to work.
Just fifteen minutes later, there was a full skillet of scrambled eggs, a plate of buttered toast, and another skillet with sausage for us. I generally hated eggs of any kind, but I needed protein and they were fresh and I didn’t have to go anywhere to get them, so I just grabbed a bottle of hot sauce out of the fridge and dug in with the others. Steven ate the lion’s share, which we expected, but since Jodi and I took the rest of the coffee, it seemed balanced.
As we ate and our conversation died, my mind slipped back to the fiery nightmare. I could still hear the screams, but everything else was just a blur of darkness and heat. I felt sweat on the small of my back and just under my hair.
“Shayna.” My mother pulled me out of my thoughts and back to the brightly lit eat-in kitchen. The chair was hard under me and the table solid in front of me. I reached for my coffee cup, circling my fingers around it to hide the trembling.
“Shayna,” she said again, a little more force in it this time.
“What?”
“Where were you just then?”
“Nowhere.”
“Don’t lie to me,” she said, and again that five-year-old rose up in me and I glared at her.
“It’s nothing, mom,” I said with the appropriate amount of teenage annoyance.
“Well, don’t think too hard on it,” she said as she pushed away from the table to stand. She stood there and stared at me for another moment, her eyes narrowed and lips pursed, but she finally blew out a breath and turned away from the table to go back to the living room.
I stood up, pushing my chair back with my legs, and picked up my plate and mug. I walked over to the sink and started rinsing the dishes off before setting them into the dishwasher. As I grabbed the pans my mom cooked in, Steven and Jodi followed me and helped me get things cleaned up.
I led the way back to my room to get our things together and get cleaned up so I could get them both home before I needed to be at my training session. It was going to be good to hit something.
***
Or so I thought. The parking lot in front of gym had an inordinate amount of trucks and filthy muscle cars. I noticed most of them sported the same sticker advertising some local fighting club and various workout retailers like Tapout. I stopped, hitching my gym bag higher up on my shoulder, and faced the front of the building. I opened myself up just enough to send a seeking energy out of me and into the building. Ten warm bodies were inside besides Michael, and all of them were male.
I debated turning around and going back to my car to wait them out before going inside, but the sun was high in the sky and the inside of my own muscle car would be an oven. I huffed and continued walking, grabbing hold of the front door handle and swinging it open to walk inside. I was early, so class was still going on, as evidenced by the sounds of skin slapping skin and the grunts and scuffles of partner work.
The gym felt warmer to me than normal, but I knew that was just the testosterone in the air. I stood to the side of the door and took in my surroundings; Michael was weaving in and out of the five pairs of guys working on the padded floor. Some were still on their feet, while others were coiled around each other on the ground, but all were trying to outdo the other.
Watching the near brutality of stretched limbs and contorted bodies was vaguely intoxicating. As far as I could tell, no one was throwing punches or kicks. The sounds of skin on skin came whenever the partners separated and then rushed into each other to engage again. I couldn’t help but be pleased to see that all of them appeared to be in the same weight class and none of them could be heavy weights, so the bounty spread before me was muscled and taut.
I let my bag slip down my shoulder to the ground and leaned against the wall by the door to watch. Michael bent over one pair to correct the form of the guy on top, effectively pinning his opponent to the floor. I glanced at the others in time to watch one guy grab for his partner’s leg and rush in to force him backwards, falling on his back. He quickly wrapped his legs around the other’s waist, trying to control him as they fought for control of the other’s hands.
Sweat glistened off of everyone’s body, mixing with the testosterone in the air and creating
a heady perfume. I felt my eyes grow heavy. Taking in a deep breath, I could taste the emotions in the air on the back of my tongue. It was dark and a little spicy, like chocolate and peppers. My mouth watered and my toes curled inside my wrestling shoes. I fought not to clench my fists.
I heard Michael’s voice from some far off distance calling an end to class. It was just enough warning that I needed to collect myself. Leaning against the wall with my bag at my feet was normal enough, thank goodness. I just straightened my shoulders and opened my eyes, affecting a slightly bored look on my face. No, I wasn’t just becoming drunk on the masculine feast I had been sampling; I’m just standing here waiting for my lesson. Nothing more, nothing less.
I felt my heart pound against my chest as the guys broke apart and started towards the edges of the gym to collect their things. I couldn’t be happier that I hadn’t ventured in further than the front door so I wouldn’t be too close to any of them so soon after the spell was broken. I bent to pick up the strap of my bag, carrying it over to the padded area.
Michael was talking to a few of the guys, answering questions and explaining a few last minute things as they walked towards the door I had just left. I couldn’t help but glance their way, appreciating the lines and curves of the back muscles before t-shirts were pulled on to hide them away. One sandy blonde head turned my way and caught me looking. I knew looking away would only make me look that much guiltier, so I held his gaze calmly and earned myself a half-smile that made my cheeks flush.
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