What's Left of Me

by Kristen Granata

  “It’s okay,” she says. “You’re my best friend. I want to tell you. But I think you need to hear it from him. It’ll mean more.”

  I agree.

  But will Cole ever fully open up to me?

  Cole comes back with snacks, and the three of us chat while we wait. A little while later, a nurse comes out to tell us that Gertie is awake. Cole stays with Josie so she isn’t alone while I go back first.

  As soon as I lay my eyes on her in the hospital bed, I start crying all over again.

  “Come here, sugar,” she says. “Don’t waste those tears on me. I’m all right.”

  I drag a chair to the bedside and clasp her hand in mine. “You scared me, Gertie! Don’t ever do that to me again.”

  She gives my hand a weak squeeze. “I’m not ready to go just yet. Don’t you worry.”

  I lift an eyebrow. “Oh, no? What are you waiting for then?”

  “Well, first, I have to tell you everything I have planned for you.”

  “Me? What are you talking about?”

  “I want to give you the diner.”

  My head jerks back. “What? No. You can’t do that. The diner is yours. That’s crazy.”

  She waves a feeble hand over her body. “Look at me. Does it look like I’m in any shape to run a business?”

  “But you’ll get better. The doctor said he’ll give you medicine that will help, and you’ll change your diet. You’ll be good as new before you know it.”

  She shakes her head. “You’re not hearing me, sugar. I’ve been thinking about this for a while now. Since you started working for me. The heart attack just proved my point.”

  “You could sell the diner to someone. You’d probably make a lot of money.”

  “Callie, look at me and hear me when I tell you: I want to give the diner to you. There’s no one else I’d want to run it, and I know you’ll take good care of it when I’m gone.”

  A pang stabs through my heart. “Don’t say that.”

  “It’s true.”

  I smooth my hand over her wiry hair. “Fine. Let’s just focus on getting you healthy first.”

  She scoffs. “If these quacks think I’m eating kale, they can kiss my ass.”

  I bite back a smile. “You don’t have to eat kale, Gertie. But you need to lower your cholesterol. I did some research while I was in the waiting room, and I have a plan. I’m going to take care of you.”

  “You’re always so busy taking care of everyone else.” She touches her hand to my cheek. “Who’s going to take care of you?”

  “I am.”

  My head snaps up to the doorway where Cole is standing.

  Gertie smiles. “I knew you would.”

  He smirks as he walks into the room. “You gave us quite the scare, Gertie.”

  “I’m old. Why is everyone so surprised that I had a heart attack? It’s what old people do.”

  “Not if you’re healthy, it doesn’t,” Cole says.

  Gertie crosses her arms over her chest. “Well, I’m not eating kale.”

  I look up at Cole with a smile. “The doctor told her she needs to eat healthier, so she thinks we’re going to make her eat kale.”

  He leans his hands onto the back of my chair. “You’re going to eat whatever it takes to make sure you stick around for a lot longer. You have people here who love you, and we’re not ready for you to leave us. So do what the doctor says.”

  Gertie’s eyes suddenly well. “I never had kids, you know. Always wanted them, but it never happened. Wasn’t in the cards, I suppose. It used to scare me to think about what would happen to me when I got older. Didn’t think I’d have anybody by my side in the end.”

  I swipe a fallen tear from her cheek. “You’ll never be alone. You have us, Gertie.”

  She reaches for my hand, then Cole’s. She places one on top of the other and wraps hers around ours. “And you two have each other. Love is the most important thing. Nothing else matters in this world. Don’t let any other bullshit get in your way. Do you understand?”

  Cole and I nod.

  “Now, I’m tired. You two go home and get some rest. Just don’t forget to come and get me out of this place in the morning.”

  We say goodbye, and then Cole, Josie, and I drive home.

  After showering the day off of me, I curl up in bed. Everything Gertie said consumes my thoughts as I stare up at the ceiling.

  My phone buzzes on the nightstand beside me.

  Cole: You up?

  Me: Yes. Can’t sleep.

  Cole: Me either. Wishing you were lying here with me.

  My heart skips a beat.

  Is he asking me to go over there?

  Cole: Yes, I’m asking you to come here.

  A smile breaks across my face, and I make my way out to the pool house.

  Cole’s waiting by the open door when I walk in. “Hi.”

  “Hi.” I fidget with the hem of my tank top, doing my best not to gawk at his bare upper body.

  He inches toward me, and my heart thumps faster with every step. “Been thinking about you all day.”

  “So have I.”

  “Oh, yeah? What about?”

  “Why do you keep saying that you don’t deserve me, Cole?” I need an explanation. Need more than what he’s willing to give me.

  His eyes tighten. “I did something unforgivable, and I have to suffer the consequences.”

  Every word he chokes out looks like it causes him physical pain, as if his words are acid on his tongue.

  I edge closer. “What is it you think you did, Cole?”

  He shakes his head. “You wouldn’t look at me the same if you knew. You wouldn’t be here right now.”

  “That’s my choice to make. And whatever you’ve done, you’ve clearly paid the price. You’ve suffered enough.”

  He barks out a bitter laugh. “I’ll never be done paying that price. It doesn’t just go away.”

  I place my palms on his chest, my eyes begging him to open up to me. “Please, Cole. I want to know you. The good and the bad. You’ve seen my ugly. Let me see yours.”

  He trails his fingers down my arms. “I’m not ready to lose you to my ghosts yet. Can’t we just pretend for a little longer?”

  So close, yet so far.

  “If you’re not ready to tell me, then I can’t force you. But you’re the one who told me that every moment in life is fleeting. So, why should we spend it agonizing over the what-ifs? I’ve been crippled with anxiety for way too long, and I don’t want to worry anymore. I don’t want to waste any more time. I want to live. We can forgive ourselves for our mistakes, and we can move forward. We have the power. It’s up to us. We can enjoy however much life we have left. Don’t you think it’s time?”

  Cole’s eyes glisten with adoration as he gazes down at me. “My Courageous Callie.”

  He brushes his thumb over my lips, and goosebumps skate along my skin.

  Then he takes my hand and leads me to his bed. His sheets smell like him, clean and masculine, and I breathe him in.

  We spend the night curled around each other, arms and legs entwined, blanketed by silence.

  And my ears strain to hear the things Cole isn’t telling me.

  Twenty-Eight

  Cole

  I wake up as the sun’s rays peek through the windows.

  Though it’s mid-October, I can’t tell by the weather. It’s like I’m stuck in some dimension of Pleasantville with perfect weather, where it’s always sunny. It makes me miss New York. The change of season always brought vibrant colors to the trees and a crisp breeze to the air. It smelled like football and pumpkin spice. Autumn, real and true.

  I came to California because it’s New York’s polar opposite, in distance and in spirit. Plus, I had a free place to stay at my sister’s. It was supposed to be temporary. I never imagined I’d want to stay.

  But watching Callie Kingston as she sleeps mere inches from me—the rise and fall of her chest as she breathes, the little contented s
ounds that escape her parted lips, her golden hair fanned out on the pillow—it gives me a reason to stay.

  She gives me a reason.

  To stay, to live, to dream, to hope.

  And it terrifies me.

  It feels like I’m torn in two. Half of me is still in New York, still stuck inside Mia’s nursery on that tragic night. I’m in hell, and this is my punishment to suffer for all of eternity, Callie dangled above me like my salvation, close enough I can almost taste it but just out of reach. Like she was sent to me as a reminder of what I can never have.

  Or maybe she truly is my salvation. Maybe I’m getting a second chance. The other half of me wants to freefall into this feeling, to believe that Callie and I can actually be together, that two lost souls can start over and heal each other. I want to give Callie the love she deserves. Show her how she should be treated so that she’ll never accept anything less ever again.

  I just don’t know what’s left of me to give.

  Callie’s eyes flutter open. Her hand slides across the mattress and slips into my hair. “How long have you been up?”

  “Just a few minutes.”

  “How did you sleep?”

  “It’s the first time I’ve slept through the night in a long time.”

  She hums and scoots closer to me, pressing her lips to my chest.

  “I wish we could stay here all day,” I whisper against her hair.

  “Me too.”

  I glance at the cable box across the room. “I have to leave for work in twenty minutes. What time are you going to visit Gertie?”

  She stifles a yawn. “I’ll leave when you do. Not sure when they’ll discharge her, but I want to be there before that.”

  “If you’re still there at noon, I can stop by on my lunch break.”

  I feel her smile against my skin. “She’d love that.”

  “And maybe once Gertie is settled and everything calms down in a few days, I can take you out to dinner.”

  She peers up at me from under sleepy lids. “Like on a date?”

  My heart beats like a bass drum. “Yes. If you’d like to.”

  She nods and places a gentle kiss on my cheek. “I’d love that.”

  Then I feel it zing through me.

  Something I haven’t felt in years.

  Something I never expected to feel again.

  Excitement.

  Anticipation.

  The start of something new.

  The days leading up to our date, I don’t see much of Callie.

  She’s been running the diner in Gertie’s absence. She’s also been staying with Gertie, cooking for her, keeping her company, and helping her get back on her feet. And she does it all with a smile on her face, like it’s her mission in life to help everyone she can.

  That’s just Callie.

  She’s good and pure. An angel without the wings.

  And I’m the dumb bastard who’s foolish enough to think he could ever be worthy of her.

  On Friday evening, Josie catches me in the backyard as I’m leaving.

  She whistles as she surveys me. “You clean up nice. Got a hot date?”

  I chuckle as I look down at my pale-blue polo shirt and dark jeans. “I do. Is this outfit acceptable for a date out on the town in California?”

  “Depends where you’re taking her.”

  “The Lakefront Tap Room?”

  An approving smile spreads across her face. “Yes. Your outfit is perfect. She’s going to love that lakefront view.”

  I nod. “Good.”

  “Wait.” She puts her hands on her hips. “You are talking about Callie, right? Because if you’re taking some other chick on a date, I will stab you with this steak knife.”

  The little brother in me wants to fuck with her, but I don’t want to show up to my date with blood stains on my clothes.

  “Of course it’s Callie.” I shake my head. “Who else would it be?”

  She holds her hands up on either side of her head. “Just checking.” Then she smiles. “I’m proud of you, baby brother.”

  I smirk and wave goodbye as I continue through the yard.

  I stop at the florist, and then I’m on my way to Gertie’s.

  When I arrive, Gertie greets me at the door. “Well, look at you. Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes?”

  I bend down and wrap her in a hug. “I was about to say the same thing to you.”

  She swats me away. “Callie, get your ass out here. Your date is trying to hit on me.”

  I grin as I take a seat on the edge of her worn couch. “How’ve you been feeling?”

  “I’m fine.” She scoots closer to me and leans in. “But I want to talk about you. How are you feeling?”

  My eyebrows draw together. “I’m fine. Did you hear that I was sick or something?”

  “No, no. I’m asking how you feel about tonight. About Callie.”

  “Ah.” I set the flowers gently on the floor and rest my elbows on my knees. “I don’t know, Gertie. Don’t know what I’m doing.”

  She nods like she understands. “You’ve convinced yourself that you don’t deserve to be happy. It’s hard to believe in the realization that you do. But you’ve been in your own living hell for a while now. It’s time to move outta there.”

  “I think hell is where I belong. I don’t deserve an angel like Callie.”

  “Nonsense,” she spits. “Let me tell you something. If you believe in heaven and hell, then you have to believe in purgatory. Do you know anything about that?”

  “Isn’t that where people go after they die?”

  She points her index finger at me. “It’s where souls go to get purified before they enter heaven. We’re washed of our sins, and then God accepts us with forgiveness.”

  I lift an eyebrow. “So then how do you know who goes to heaven and who goes to hell?”

  “That’s up to the sinner, whether he’s truly sorry for his sins. And I can tell you’re truly sorry, Cole. I can see the shame and sorrow. You wear it like a backpack full of bricks, letting it weigh you down. But you don’t belong in hell. God knows that. That’s why you’re in purgatory. You’re finding your way out of the darkness, preparing to be cleansed of your sins. Callie is your angel.”

  Something I once heard in my religious instruction class as a kid comes to the forefront of my mind. “Hey, Gertie. Can I ask you something?”

  “Of course, sugar.”

  “Where do babies go when they die ... if they aren’t old enough to be baptized?”

  Her jaw goes slack for a moment, recognition flashing in her eyes. “Oh, Cole. Is that what happened to you?”

  My jaw clenches. “Where do they go, Gertie?”

  “Do you honestly believe your baby could go anywhere but heaven?”

  I stare down at the floor so I don’t have to see the pity in her eyes. “None of us knows what happens when we die.”

  “No, we don’t, sugar.” She glances into the hallway when she hears a door creak open. “Does Callie know what you’ve lost?”

  I shake my head.

  “Tell her, Cole.” She grasps my hand and squeezes it tight. “Let that angel cleanse you. Follow her out of the darkness and find peace.”

  Callie’s heels clack against the wood floor, and my heart stalls out when she steps into the living room.

  For the past week, I’ve been asking God for a sign. Something that would tell me what I should do—be with Callie or leave this town and never look back. And now, after all this talk of heaven and hell, angels and demons, Callie stands before me in a white strapless dress. Form-fitting with a slit that hits mid-thigh, the soft material hugs her curves and flows out at the bottom around her ankles. Her blond hair shimmers as it falls in loose waves around her shoulders. She radiates natural beauty and kindness.

  She is the embodiment of an ethereal being. An angel. And she just might be the sign I’ve been looking for.

  “Look at him,” Gertie says with a cackle. “You’ve stunned him into sil
ence.”

  Redness creeps into Callie’s cheeks. “I hope this is okay for where we’re going. You know, since you refuse to tell me.”

  I lift the bouquet of blue irises from the floor and hand them to Callie, searching for the right words to say. “I asked the florist which flowers symbolize hope.”

  Her lips part in surprise. “I love them. Thank you.”

  “You two have fun,” Gertie says. “And I’m locking your ass out tonight, so don’t even try coming back here after.”

  Callie’s eyes widen. “Gertie!”

  She shrugs. “I’m living vicariously through you, sugar. So, go out and get me some.”

  Callie’s hand clamps over her mouth, and I throw my head back and laugh. I shoot her a wink. “I got you, Gertie.”

  “I cannot believe she said that,” Callie says as we make our way out the door.

  Her feet freeze, and she points to the shiny silver Jeep parked out front. “Is that yours?”

  “Did you think I was going to take you on a date in my landscaper truck?”

  She laughs. “I honestly didn’t think about it. I was happy just to be going out to dinner with you.”

  I spin her around and pull her against me. “You look beautiful, Callie. You stole the breath right from my chest when you walked into the room.”

  “You look incredibly handsome.” Her gaze drops to my lips. “Please don’t make me wait until the end of the night to kiss you.”

  “I was going to be a gentleman.”

  She fists my collar and yanks me down toward her mouth. “Just be you, Cole.”

  I capture her lips, and we both let out sighs of relief. Her pouty, glossed lips taste like vanilla, and they feel like silk. The woman is a decadent dessert that I want to devour before we’ve had the first course.

  With the way she’s kissing me, we might not even make it to the damn restaurant.

  I ease back and brush the pad of my thumb across her cheekbone. “What are the odds that Gertie’s watching us from the window?”

  Callie cranes her neck to look over my shoulder. “Yup. Just saw the curtains move.”

  I chuckle. “All right. Time to go.”

  On the drive to the restaurant, Callie tells me stories about what her week was like staying with Gertie. We laugh, and I keep her hand in mine for the entire ride. The mood is light and relaxed, and lightyears away from any of the horrors we’ve been through.