What's Left of Me

by Kristen Granata

  Dr. Goodwin lowers his stethoscope and tilts his head. “What do you mean you can’t have children?”

  “I have submucosal fibroids. I’ve gotten pregnant a couple of times, but it never went further than the first trimester. Tried surgery, tried IVF. Nothing worked.”

  He clears his throat and lifts my chart, his eyes scanning the page. “Uh, Callie, are you aware that you’re currently pregnant?”

  My head jerks back. “I’m not pregnant.”

  He places the clipboard on my lap and points to the top of the page. “Your pregnancy test states otherwise.”

  I stare down at the results, disbelief jerking my head from left to right. “No. This isn’t possible.”

  “When was your last period?”

  “It was ... uh ... what’s today’s date?”

  “November 25th.”

  I close my eyes, racking my brain, willing it to remember something helpful in my defense. “I can’t remember when, exactly, but I know I got it in October. Let’s say sometime around the beginning of the month.”

  “And it’s now almost the end of November.” He leans his elbows onto his knees. “Have you been sexually active?”

  I blanch. “Yes, but we used condoms.”

  “Condoms are 98% effective. They break, sometimes without the couple even realizing it.”

  “It can’t be. This doesn’t make sense.”

  Dr. Goodwin smiles. “I know you’re afraid to believe it with all the difficulties you’ve experienced in the past. But just because you’ve miscarried before doesn’t mean you’ll miscarry again. Try to stay positive. A positive mindset can only help you.”

  Am I dreaming?

  Is this really happening?

  How can I be pregnant?

  He pushes to his feet, and my hand shoots out, gripping his arm. “Where are you going?”

  “I have patients waiting to see me. If you feel up to it, you have some guests who’re waiting to see you too.” He lifts an eyebrow. “Pretty rowdy crew. They’re raising hell in the waiting room because I wouldn’t let them see you until you were done with all your tests.”

  Cole.

  I flatten my palms over my stomach, and my heart rate gallops faster.

  I’m pregnant.

  I’m pregnant with Cole’s baby.

  Tears spill down my cheeks, and Dr. Goodwin hands me the tissue box. “Should I tell them to wait?”

  I shake my head. “You can let them in.”

  “There’s only one allowed back at a time. You want to see anyone in particular?”

  “Cole.”

  “You got it.” He winks. “Congratulations, Callie. Good luck with everything.”

  Good luck.

  Because I’m pregnant.

  There’s a baby growing inside me.

  Maybe this is it.

  Maybe I’ll get to be a mother after all.

  I bury my face in my hands as a sob breaks free.

  Several moments later, Cole flings open the curtain and rushes toward me. “Callie, oh thank God. How are you feeling? Are you okay? They wouldn’t let me back sooner.”

  He crushes me against his chest, and a yelp slips out of me.

  “Shit, I’m sorry.” He pulls back, worry creasing his forehead. “Where are you hurt?”

  “Everywhere.” I offer him a gentle smile. “But I’m okay. Just a few bruised ribs.”

  And a baby.

  He drags a chair over from the corner of the room and laces our fingers together. “I was so scared. I thought I lost you. That asshole drove away, but I gave the cops the make and model of the car.”

  I squeeze his hands. “I’m right here. I’m okay.”

  And I’m pregnant.

  He drops his head and presses his lips to the top of my hand. “Don’t ever jump out in front of a car again. You hear me, Wonder Woman?”

  I laugh softly. “No, I definitely can’t do that anymore.”

  Because I’m pregnant.

  “Good.” He cups my face, his thumb brushing over my cheekbone. “Because I can’t lose you.”

  “You won’t.” My stomach clenches, and more tears brim over. “Cole, I have some news for you.”

  His eyebrows lift. “News?”

  I chew my bottom lip and nod. “I just found out.”

  “Fuck.” His spine stiffens. “Did the doctor find something wrong? Is that why they wouldn’t let us back here sooner?”

  “Nothing’s wrong, but the doctor did find something.”

  His eyebrows pinch together as he gazes at me with resolute intensity. “Whatever it is, we’ll get through it together.”

  A breath of relief rushes out of me. “I was hoping you’d say that.” My heart feels like it’s beating in my throat, and I swallow around the emotion. “Cole, I’m pregnant.”

  He blinks, looking stunned.

  “The blood test came back positive,” I continue. “I had no idea. Dr. Goodwin just told me.”

  Cole’s hands slip out of mine as he leans back. “What are you talking about? We used a condom every time.”

  “The doctor said it must’ve broken. That’s the only way it could’ve happened. But Cole, it happened. Me and you, we made a baby. And I know it’s foolish to get excited for something that might not come to fruition, given my track record, but I can’t help it. I’m excited.” Tears careen down my face in salty rivers. “I might actually become a mother, and you are the reason it’s happening.”

  He shoots to his feet, knocking over his chair. His eyes are wild, and he runs his fingers through his hair as he paces. “You can’t be pregnant. We can’t be having a baby. This isn’t happening.”

  My head spins, whirling with confusion and fear. I reach out for him, but the IV in my hand catches and pulls. “Ouch! Cole, come here. Please, sit. Let’s talk about this.”

  He vehemently shakes his head, licking his lips. “You’re not hearing me. We can’t have this baby!”

  His words pierce me like bullets. “I don’t understand.”

  “How could you not understand? You know what happened, what I went through. I can’t do this again.” He jabs his finger toward the floor. “I won’t.”

  “And you know what I went through, so you shouldn’t be asking me to not have this baby!”

  He huffs out a manic laugh. “It’s not the same. You don’t understand.”

  Anger flares in my gut. “How can I understand when you refuse to tell me? You never let me in, Cole. Not all the way. You keep me at arm’s length, and I don’t know how to help you.”

  “You can’t help me. That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you all along.” He scrubs both of his hands over his face. “I knew this was a mistake. I never should’ve gotten involved with you.”

  And my heart, my full heart—the heart he filled up with so much love and hope and joy—plummets to the floor.

  “Don’t do this, Cole. Don’t push me away. We can figure this out.”

  He shakes his head, his mind made up. He turns and walks back the way he came.

  My chin quivers as I speak. “Please don’t go.”

  But he’s already gone.

  Thirty-Three

  Cole

  My phone buzzes for the millionth time today.

  Josie’s name flashes across the screen. Gotta hand it to her, she’s persistent. I haven’t listened to any of her messages, but I’d bet they’re ugly.

  I deserve as much.

  I hold my thumb over the power button, and the screen goes black.

  A baby.

  A baby.

  A baby.

  I still can’t wrap my head around it.

  Agony throbs in my temples, my stomach rolling with each new wave of nausea.

  Why should I get another chance?

  Why does a new baby get to live when Mia didn’t?

  Why, why, why?

  The cab rolls to a stop, and the driver looks over his shoulder. “Where do you want me to drop you?”

  “Here i
s fine.” I slip his money through the partition and swing open the door.

  The cold air slices through me when I step outside. Didn’t think to bring a jacket with me when I left. Didn’t think at all. Just followed the irrational need to get away and bought a ticket for the first flight out of California.

  Ended up here.

  The dead grass crunches under my shoes as I travel across the cemetery. Haven’t been here since the day I watched them lower Mia’s tiny casket into the earth.

  I couldn’t understand it then, and I still can’t make sense of it now.

  When I reach her headstone, my knees buckle, and I drop down. My fingers claw at the ground, wishing I could crawl inside and be there with her.

  Instead of her.

  Moans of misery wrench from my chest, my eyes soaked with sorrow. “I’m so sorry, Mia,” I whisper. “Daddy’s so sorry he wasn’t there for you.”

  I succumb to the grief, no longer able to contain it, surrendering everything that’s left inside me. And I weep. I weep for my angel baby.

  “Please forgive me. Please. I never meant for this to happen. Never wanted to lose you. I loved you so much, Mia. Daddy loved you so much.”

  Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, the doctors told us.

  The unexplained death of a baby in her sleep.

  Cause unknown, they said.

  Couldn’t have been prevented, they said.

  “But I should’ve gotten up. It was my night to get up and feed you. None of this would’ve happened if I wasn’t so damn selfish.”

  “Is that really what you believe?”

  I spin around to face the voice behind me.

  Her curtain of dark hair whips across her face, billowing in the wind. Dark eyes that once gazed up at me in adoration are now filled with pity.

  My once-lucky Penny, now tarnished and dull.

  “Do you truly believe that you’re at fault for Mia’s death?” she asks again.

  I throw my hands up and then let them fall. “If I would’ve gotten up when I was supposed to, maybe—”

  “Maybe she would’ve died after you fed her. Or maybe you would’ve gotten to her too late. You can’t know what would’ve happened, Cole. You can’t live the rest of your life stuck in that kind of torture.”

  I scoff. “I should be like you then? Move on and forget about it as if it never happened?”

  She flinches. “I haven’t forgotten about it. About her. I never will.” She rubs her palm up and down her stomach. “But I have other things to think about too.”

  My jaw goes slack when I spot the roundness of her belly, the small swell under the buttons of her peacoat.

  “How ... how could you ...” My words trail off, too many questions fighting for attention.

  “How could I not?” she asks. “I don’t want to let that solitary, tragic event rule the rest of my life. I have to believe in more. I have to believe there can be good again. Otherwise, I might as well be in that grave with her.”

  I shake my head, refusing to see any logic in her conviction.

  Penny lowers herself to the ground beside me. “Your sister called me. She said you’re having a baby too.”

  Bile churns while my heart thrashes in my chest like a caged beast. “No. I can’t. I can’t. I can’t.”

  Penny’s hand rubs circles on my back. “Yes, Cole. A baby. This is good. You can be a father again. The father you’ve always wanted to be. The father you deserve to be.”

  A baby.

  A baby.

  A baby.

  Mine.

  Mine and Callie’s.

  My sweet angel.

  I bury my face in my hands as another sob strangles me.

  “Cole, I’m so sorry for what I did to you. I was broken and just trying to feel something other than the crippling pain. I know it doesn’t justify what I did, but I am sorry. You are a good man. You deserve to find happiness again. And it seems like you already have. You just need to let yourself accept it.”

  Then she smiles that smile I used to love so much. “I know you’re a Cali guy now, but you’ll always be a New Yorker at heart. And New Yorkers rebuild. We take the past with us as we move forward, and it makes us stronger. Smarter. You can do this, Cole. Don’t let that woman go through this without you.”

  I squeeze my forehead with my fingertips. “I fucking left her, Penny. I yelled at her, and then I left her.”

  Stupid and selfish.

  “She’ll forgive you. She’ll understand. Help her understand.” She winks. “And thank your sister for calling me to come help your stubborn ass.”

  I gaze down at Mia’s name etched onto the stone and trace it with my index finger. “I miss her so much.”

  Penny presses her fingertips to her lips and then places them onto the top of the headstone. “Me too. But our baby girl was loved.”

  Yes, she was loved.

  Callie doesn’t answer any of my calls.

  I’ve called and texted to let her know that I’m on my way home.

  That I’m coming for her.

  That I’m sorry I left.

  That I love her.

  It was a bitch getting a flight out with Thanksgiving only a few days away, but I didn’t care. I would’ve done it if I had to fly the damn plane myself.

  I need to make this right.

  My sister and her husband are watching TV with the boys when I get to her house. Not one of them looks up at me when I walk into the living room.

  “Is she here?”

  Brandon crosses his arms, and Miles follows suit.

  I smirk. The little shits are taking her side.

  “Come on, Josie. Is she here?”

  “No, asshole,” she spits.

  I look at Dan for help, but he knows better than to talk to me when his wife is pissed.

  “I screwed up.” I lift my hands and then let them smack against my legs. “I freaked out, and I ran.”

  “Ran like a little bitch,” Josie mutters under her breath.

  Fine, I deserve that.

  “But luckily, my incredible sister helped me out. Josie, I’m so thankful for you and for all you’ve done for me. You opened your home to me when we weren’t on the best of terms, you let me stay here for free, and you never gave up on me.”

  “Even when you were being a total dick,” she adds.

  I smile. “Yes. Even when I was being a total dick.”

  Josie rises from the couch and comes to stand in front of me. “I know things haven’t been perfect between us in our adult years. But you’re still my brother, and I still love the shit out of you. It kills me to see you so broken. It kills me to watch you push Callie away like she isn’t the best damn thing that’s ever happened to you.”

  She is.

  “Help me make things right,” I say. “Where is she? At Gertie’s?”

  Josie huffs out a sigh. “She’s in the pool house.”

  My eyebrows collapse. “She’s at my place?”

  She nods. “She wanted to be there for you when you got back. She knew this would be difficult for you.”

  My angel.

  Always worried about everyone else.

  “Hey, Uncle Cole?”

  “Yeah, Brandon?”

  His lips flatten into a hard line. “Don’t break her heart.”

  Pride swells in my chest. “I won’t, kid. Promise.”

  And I bolt through the house, out the back door, and sprint across the lawn.

  Callie startles when I burst into the pool house. She winces, clutching her ribs. “Ow.”

  I cringe. “Shit, sorry.”

  She’s in my bed, propped up by pillows, with a bandage sitting just above her left eye. The memory of her tiny body rolling over the hood of that car flashes through my mind.

  Everything could’ve been gone in an instant.

  Callie … and the life I didn’t even know was inside her.

  My world.

  “You’re back.” Her voice is soft, but her expressive eyes are
wide, so much confusion and worry swirling around inside.

  “Came back for you.”

  She nods. “I got your texts.”

  “Meant every word.”

  She nods again.

  I edge onto the bed beside her, careful to not upset her injuries. “How are you feeling?”

  She shrugs. “Better now that you’re home.”

  I take her face into my hands, resting my forehead against hers, inhaling her sweet scent. “I’m so sorry I left you. I’m sorry I said the things I said. I didn’t mean any of them.”

  “I know,” she whispers.

  I lean back just enough to look into her eyes. “Callie, I love you so much. I want this baby. I want us to be a family. I’m just so damn afraid. Scared to feel excited. Scared to feel hopeful. I don’t know how to do this. But I want to.”

  A tear trickles down her cheek, and I sweep it away with my thumb.

  “I know you’re scared,” she says. “I am too. I keep wondering if I’m going to lose this baby like all the rest. But it feels different this time, and I know that’s because of you. Everything is different.

  “I was hurt when you left, but I knew you’d come back. I knew you had to figure it out on your own, just like I figured my life out on my own. You were patient with me, and you were there when I needed you most.” She glances around the pool house. “That’s why I waited here for you. Not because I’m weak or a doormat for abuse. But because I know you’ve going through something horrific, and you need time. I want to be here for you, Cole. I just wish you’d let me.”

  I lift her hand to my lips, placing a kiss onto her soft skin, and I prepare to give Callie what she needs. What she deserves.

  To be let in, all the way.

  “I had a daughter. Mia. She was beautiful. Perfect in every way. I hadn’t felt love like that before. An all-consuming kind of love when you know you’re changed forever. That’s what it felt like. When I held her, and I looked down into those big, innocent eyes, I felt the happiest I’d ever been. I saw my future in her eyes. I saw myself doing everything with her, teaching her, helping her.”

  I huff out a laugh. “I even imagined what it’d be like when she grew up and wore an outfit I didn’t approve of. What our first fight would be like. If she’d be sassy like her mother, or if she’d be stubborn like me. For two months, I held her and planned out how our lives would be.”