by Susan Lewis
‘No, I can’t go out there looking like this,’ I said. ‘I’ll go and freshen up first.’
As I got to the door he called out. ‘I take it you know what Alexander’s problem is, Elizabeth?’ He winked, then went off to join the party.
The next day was my twenty-first birthday. Not that I could tell anyone at Foxton’s that, having lied about my age to get there; as far as Miss Angrid was concerned, I was twenty-three. It was also the day of the summer ball at St Winifred’s Girls’ School, and Alexander’s pop group had been rehearsing in the music room all day.
I busied myself in the surgery while I listened to them playing, and at some point I must have drifted into a world of my own, because I only realised the music had stopped when there was a knock on the door and Alexander came in.
He watched me from the door, moving his hand across his forehead to sweep the hair out of his eyes. ‘I – ’ he glanced over his shoulder, and I saw Henry outside, leaning over the banister to talk to someone below – ‘that is, we, would like to invite you to the dance tonight.’
I didn’t seem to be able to do anything except stand there and stare at him. Then Henry turned round. ‘Haven’t you asked her yet?’ he said.
Alexander spread his hand over Henry’s face and pushed him out of the way. He was still looking serious when he turned back, but when he saw I was laughing, he laughed too.
‘You mean the dance at St Winifred’s?’ I said.
‘Yes. Everyone’s dressing up and Mr Ellery said he’d take you in his car.’
‘It’s either that or Tonto,’ Henry chipped in.
Alexander rolled his eyes, and I said: ‘Then it’ll have to be Mr Ellery’s car.’
Mr Ellery picked me up at seven o’clock sharp and wolf-whistled so loudly I nearly ran back inside. ‘You’re sure going to knock them off their feet in that,’ he said, watching my hem-line wriggle further up my thighs as I settled into the car.
‘You don’t think it’s too short?’
‘Are you kidding? It looks terrific!’
But just walking in through the door of the school hall told me that I was all wrong. The girls from St Winifred’s all had long dresses – real ball dresses – and in my tight-fitting Mary Quant mini-dress, I felt like a totem pole. But it was too late to turn back, so I just told myself that I was older than them, so allowed to wear what I wanted. And with Alexander singing on the stage, I clapped my hands and tapped my feet, and laughed at all the boys as they tried doing the Locomotion. The Headmaster kept glowering at me, but I was having too good a time to care. ‘Up and down and round and round we go again,’ Alexander sang, and everyone kicked off their shoes, let down their hair and twisted themselves silly. The boys, looking very different and almost grown up in their black polo sweaters and grey slacks, spun the girls off their feet to ‘Rock Around the Clock,’ and even lined up to have a go at the Madison.
Alexander sang the first line of ‘Doo Wah Diddy Diddy,’ and everyone cheered as Mr Ellery spun me out into the middle of the floor.
‘Everything all right?’ he shouted, as he twirled me round.
‘Perfect. By the way, what did you say to Alexander?’
‘Let’s just say I put him right about a few things.’
‘Like what?’
‘Me and you.’
‘Was that what was bothering him?’
‘You know it was,’ he shouted – and Henry Clive caught my hand and turned me round to dance with him while someone else took over the drums.
It seemed no time at all before the band took their bows, and after that the lights went down for the final record of the evening. The end of the summer ball, the end of the summer term. It was one of my favourites, ‘Sealed With a Kiss’ by Brian Hyland.
I picked up a coke and smiled as Mr Ellery invited the St Winifred’s headmistress to dance; then turning round, I saw Alexander leave the stage. As he started to walk towards me my heart began to pound and suddenly I was hit by panic. I reached out for a bottle to refill my glass, but his hand closed over mine, and without looking at him I put the glass down and followed him out on to the floor.
I hardly dared to move, I was so aware of his arms round me. I could feel his breath on my cheek as he sang the words to the song:
I don’t want to say goodbye for the summer,
Knowing what love we will miss,
Let’s make a pledge to meet in September,
And seal it with a kiss.
His legs were moving against mine and I knew he was holding me too close, but I couldn’t break away. I kept my head lowered against his shoulder and my hands rigid on his back. After a time I realised I was shaking – and that he was, too. Mr Ellery caught my eye, but I looked away. I was so full of feeling, I thought I would suffocate, and the panic I’d felt earlier sprang into life again. And then the music faded and he pulled away. I looked up and saw that his face had the same look it had worn that day in his room when I found the diary; and then his expression softened and his eyes seemed to sink into mine. I looked at his mouth, and as he started to lean towards me the lights suddenly came up.
The Headmistress clapped her hands and started to shoo her girls out of harm’s way. Alexander was still watching me as I searched the room frantically for Mr Ellery. I found him waiting for me at the door and ran over to join him.
All the way back to Foxton’s in the car, Mr Ellery chattered on – and all I could do was smile and nod. I couldn’t speak, I couldn’t think, even. I just wanted to be alone. When I got back to the cottage, I ran straight to the mirror in my bedroom. My eyes looked bigger than normal, my skin was flushed, and then I realised I was hot, too hot. And I wanted to be back on the dance floor. I wanted to hear him sing those words again, I wanted the lights to be down, I wanted him to . . .
I clapped my hands over my face. I wanted him to kiss me.
– 6 –
So that was how it started. A silly prank, a play and a dance. Janice and I didn’t discuss it again, but when she drove me to Paddington on the last day of the holiday she said: ‘You’re heading for a fall, Elizabeth. It’s all wrong and you know it.’
But it was she who was wrong. I’d had six weeks in which to get things into perspective, and I’d already made up my mind that when term started I would keep out of his way. Now that he was in the lower sixth and his room was in the stable annexe, that shouldn’t be difficult . . . . And it wouldn’t have been difficult if, despite my resolutions, I hadn’t found myself taking the weirdest routes around the building just on the off-chance of bumping into him, And it seemed that every day there was something he had to pop into the surgery for, or a reason why I had go to to the sixth form common room. Nothing was ever said, but sometimes I would catch him looking at me and know he was remembering the night of the dance. Mostly I avoided his eyes, though, because I too couldn’t forget that night.
Then I went down with a bout of flu. Miss Angrid flatly refused to let anyone near the cottage until I was out of bed and brought up the get well cards, fruit and flowers herself. After six days I ventured out as far as Foxton’s copse which was little more than ten paces from the front door. Once it was known I had left the cottage, I was bombarded by boys wanting to accompany me on my walks, and one evening Alexander and Henry arrived in Tonto to take me for a drive round the grounds. After that, even when I was better, the three of us met every evening for a walk if the weather was fine, or a chat in the common room if it wasn’t. Sometimes, of course, Alexander was too busy or had to go somewhere with one of the masters. Those evenings always seemed empty.
Before long I was beginning to find I couldn’t sleep for thinking about him. I wanted him to kiss me so much that sometimes I had to bury my face in the pillow to stop myself screaming his name. I took to standing naked in front of the mirror, looking at myself. I’d never taken much notice of my body before, but now it seemed the most important thing in the world. I hated my breasts for being too big, but when I touched them I cried tears
at the way it made me feel.
By Christmas I was looking at him, wondering about him in a way that shocked me. When I saw him playing rugby it was as if everything inside me was aching. I looked at his legs and his shoulders, and the way he moved; his hair, how it fell over his eyes; the way he’d rest his hands on his knees, getting his breath back. And then I’d wait for his smile when he looked at me, and my heart would flip over to see that silly old crooked tooth.
The day before the end of term I invited some of the boys over to the cottage for mince pies and hot punch. I did it purposely in the hope that Alexander and Henry would stay on later, and they did.
They were sitting on my battered old sofa listening to records when Henry suddenly said: ‘I know! Why don’t you come and stay with us for Christmas?’
At first I thought he was speaking to Alexander, but he was looking at me. I laughed. ‘I don’t think your parents would reckon much to that. Anyway, I’m already going somewhere.’
Alexander got up and went to stack more logs on the fire. I watched him as he squatted in front of it, resting his elbows on his knees and staring into the flames. Henry’s eyes met mine and I shrugged. It wasn’t at all like Alexander to be this quiet.
I turned back to finish wrapping a present for Miss Angrid, and my pen shot straight across the gift tag when Henry suddenly clapped his hand to his forehead and cried: ‘Oh hell, I’ve got a present for you, Elizabeth, I forgot to bring it with me.’ He looked at Alexander.
I knew immediately what they were up to, and even though there was nothing in the world I wanted more than to be alone with Alexander, I was suddenly afraid. ‘You don’t have to get it now,’ I said. ‘Give it to me in the morning, before you go off.’ I picked up the small parcels I’d wrapped for them and handed them over. ‘Not to be opened until Christmas Day.’
‘Not allowed,’ Henry objected. ‘We’ve got to open them now. We can have our own Christmas, the three of us. I’ll go and fetch your present.’ And he was gone before I could stop him.
Alexander sat down on the chair next to the fire. ‘You’re quiet this evening,’ I said.
He stood up, stuffing his hands in his pockets, and began to pace the room. His back was towards me as he stopped. ‘What are you doing at Christmas?’ he asked.
I was taken back by the angry tone of his voice. ‘I told you, I’ve got plans,’ I answered steadily.
He turned to face me. ‘You’re spending the time alone, aren’t you?’ he said, fixing my eyes with his.
I swallowed hard. He was right. Janice had gone to the Caribbean with her parents, so I had booked myself into a small hotel in London where I was planning to read Edna O’Brien through the holiday, until I could come back to Foxton’s again. ‘No, of course I’m not. Honestly, Alexander, I don’t know what’s got into you.’
Suddenly he was beside me. ‘If you must know, I don’t much like the idea of you being on your own over Christmas,’ he growled. ‘That’s what’s got into me!’
‘But it’s nothing to get angry about, and anyway, I told you, I’m not going to be on my own.’
‘Then who are you spending it with? I know you haven’t got any family, so who . . .’
‘That’s none of your business,’ I retorted. He looked hurt, and immediately I was sorry. ‘I’m going to London, I’m staying with some friends.’
‘What friends? You never talk about them.’
‘That’s because they’re not part of my life here at Foxton’s. Come on,’ I said, trying to sound bright, ‘what are you doing over Christmas?’
‘You know what I’m doing.’ Suddenly he leaned towards me and my heart turned over at the look in his eyes. ‘Elizabeth, let me come with you. I can tell my parents I’m staying with Henry.’
‘Alexander you can’t! It’s ridiculous even to think of it. Your parents will want to see you, and you’ll want to see them too.’
‘I don’t. I want to be with you.’
His cheeks were red with embarrassment and anger, and I didn’t know what to say. He sat down beside me, and took my hand. I tried to pull away, but his grip was too strong. ‘Alexander,’ I gulped. ‘Stop it, please. Look, I think you’d better go before you say something you regret.’
‘I won’t regret it. Damn it! Stop treating me like a child! You know how I feel about you.’
‘Alexander!’ I jumped up from the settee. ‘Don’t say any more. Boys – young men, young men still at school, you’re bound to have crushes, I understand that. But, Alexander, you’re taking it too far. You’re making a fool of yourself.’
I could see I had hurt him deeply. ‘Do you know how it feels?’ he said. ‘Do you know what I’ve been going through these past months, since that night at the dance? If you didn’t care, then why?’
‘Oh Alexander, I do care.’ What was I saying? ‘I like you. I enjoy your company and I thought you enjoyed mine. It was no more than that Alexander, honestly, no more than that.’
‘You’re a liar!’ he yelled. ‘You led me on. You made me think you felt about me the same way I feel about you and all the time it was just a pretence. Now I can see you for what you really are. You’re nothing but a lonely old spinster, pampering your ego at my expense.’
‘Stop it! Stop it! I wasn’t leading you on, I. . .’ I started to reach out to him but wrenched myself away and went to stand behind the sofa, using it as a barrier between us.
‘You’ve been laughing at me all the time, haven’t you?’ he shouted. ‘I can see you now, telling Mr Ellery everything, and laughing at the way I haven’t been able to do my work, the way I haven’t been able to do anything for thinking about you. I was nothing more than a figure of fun, was I?’
I pushed my hands up to my face. ‘You’re wrong Alexander, believe me. I wanted, you were . . . oh please, please go.’
‘I’m going, and don’t expect either of us back. You see, you even had Henry fooled. Even he saw the way you were with me. But that’s it from now on, Elizabeth, it’s over for all of us.’ He reached into his pocket. ‘And here! Here’s your Christmas present. Merry Christmas!’ He flung it down in front of me.
The door slammed behind him, and suddenly I knew I couldn’t let him go like that. He was at the bottom of the stairs when I tore open the door. He looked up as I called out his name. Then almost before I knew it was happening, I was in his arms. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t let him go.
He led me back into the sitting room and pulled me on to my knees in front of the fire. ‘I’m sorry,’ he whispered, reaching up to wipe away my tears. ‘I’m sorry for everything I said.’
‘Me too.’ I lowered my head, but he lifted my face and kissed me.
At first his lips were gentle, but as his hands closed around my face I clung to him, needing to feel him closer.
‘Tell me you love me, Elizabeth. Please, tell me,’ he murmured.
He kissed me again, and this time I felt his tongue move against mine. I twisted my fingers through his hair and was saying the words before I even realised.
‘Now will you let me come with you?’ he asked.
I shook my head. ‘Please, look at it sensibly, Alexander. You can’t come, you mustn’t. Just because we’ve admitted to the way we feel doesn’t make it right. You have to go home to your parents, and I’ll go to London. Then after Christmas . . . well, who knows? I think it would be better if we don’t spend any time alone together after this.’
He put his hand over my mouth. ‘Don’t say that. Don’t ever say that again. I’ll agree to go home for the holiday, but only if you agree that you’ll see me afterwards, only if you promise that you’ll still love me when I come back. Elizabeth. Please, promise me, Elizabeth.’
In the end I was too weak to refuse. I loved him too much already.
– 7 –
I couldn’t have made a bigger mistake than to go to Mr Billings’s little hotel off the Bayswater Road. He was a kind and jovial man who told me with pride that I had the only room with a b
ath, but the wallpaper and curtains were drab and, feeling the way I did, once the door had closed behind him it was a struggle to hold back the tears. The big armchair under the standard lamp was just right for sitting and reading in, but I never got any further than the first few lines of Girl with Green Eyes.
I went for walks round the shops or in Hyde Park, and tried as hard as I could not to think about Alexander – but I thought about nothing else. At night, listening to the sounds from the street, I sat by the mirror and ran my fingers over my lips, remembering what it was like when he kissed me. And always I’d end up wrapping my arms around myself, wanting to cry out with the need to touch him.
On Christmas morning I opened the present he’d given me. I’d said once, when we’d all been talking about what we would buy if we had lots of money, that I’d buy some expensive French perfume called Y. He’d remembered. I wished so much that he was there then, that I was almost stifled by the longing. And because I was shaking when I opened the parcel, I dropped it, and the bottle smashed. All Christmas Day I sobbed into my pillow, and most of Boxing Day too. I couldn’t bear to think of losing him, not yet.
It was two days after Christmas, late in the afternoon, when Mr Billings knocked on my door. I must have been asleep because there seemed to be a fuss going on in the corridor, and I heard someone call that she thought she’d seen me going out. I pulled myself up from the bed, my book thudding to the floor. As I opened the door and flicked on the light I could see Mr Billings at the top of the stairs.
His face lit up when he saw me and he started to speak, but I was looking past him. It couldn’t be. I was dreaming. He didn’t know where I was . . . .
‘. . . nice to have visitors, especially at Christmas,’ Mr Billings was saying. He clapped Alexander on the shoulder and pushed him towards me. Then I heard Alexander refusing the tea Mr Billings was offering, and in a daze I let him take my arm and pull me inside the room. When the door was closed he turned to look at me, lifting his hand and pulling the scarf away from his mouth.