Then the taxi started going real fast so I hit my head against the window, but I didn’t care. I was glad, because I knew if she was crying she was sorry for what she did to me, and that made everything okay.
Chapter Twelve
I KNEW where Barrow Street was. It was in Greenwich Village, because sometimes after school I would walk there and look in the bookstores. They had the best bookstores there of anyplace, because you could look around all you wanted and nobody would say anything. They had a lot of old books, too, for ten, twenty cents, and once I bought three books all for fifty cents. They were by Rider Haggard, all about a guy who was in Africa and had all kinds of adventures. They were all right.
A lot of kids said, oh, don’t go there, don’t go there. There’s a lot of crazy guys there want to grab you and give you the works like you were a girl or something, but they didn’t scare me any. I looked around plenty, and I never saw even one like that.
So when the taxi stopped in the middle of the block, I knew where I was even if it was so dark. It was the darkest block I ever saw, because the street light was busted and the light was out and there was hardly any light you could see in the windows all around. It was freezing cold, too, and I was all over sweat, so when the wind hit me it felt like somebody rubbing ice over my skin and my teeth started to chatter. If I’d wanted to I could have stopped them chattering, but it felt so funny I almost laughed.
Then a newspaper came blowing along and almost hit me in the face, and I thought of the paper that blew against Mr Ehrlich’s fence. I knew when that paper stuck there I stopped being a kid, and as long as it stayed that way I was big stuff and I could do just what I wanted. Only I was scared, because if it blew away again I would have to go back to being a kid again, and didn’t want to.
I knew what to do about that all right. When I got back home I would take a hammer and nails and nail it right into the fence so it could never blow away again. And if Mr Ehrlich or somebody tried to take it away, I would pull out the gun and let them have it. I would kill anybody who tried to take that paper away. It would be too bad for them if they tried it.
When we got into the house it was nice and warm, and there was a lot of stairs. I could walk up the stairs all right. If I wanted to I could go up four steps at one time, only Tanya said, ‘Shh,’ and I didn’t want to make her sad again so I went up the regular way. But it wasn’t any good her saying, ‘Shh,’ like that, because the more we went up, the more I heard some music coming real loud out into the hall. I wasn’t the only one either, because Dr Cooper said, ‘That sounds like your sister all right,’ and Tanya said, ‘Goddammit. She’ll be having me thrown out of here,’ and started running very fast up the steps.
Outside the door she had trouble looking for her key, and while I was standing there I could hear the music close up and it sounded terrific. It was real heavy stuff, and it would start out like nothing much and then all of a sudden it would open up like thunder and go right over me. Then Tanya got the door open and she ran right in and turned off the music. I wished she hadn’t done it, because it was wonderful.
It was a big room there without any carpet at all, not even linoleum. Just plain bare wood. And books all around. More books than I ever saw anyplace except the bookstore. There were so many they were even piled up on the floor. And there were piles of phonograph records too.
There was a couch up against the opposite wall between the windows and it was made up like a bed, the way mine was. And there was a girl sitting on the couch in her pyjamas, only not a girl really because she wasn’t so young any more. She looked more like a schoolteacher, sort of. She had black hair like Tanya, but it was cut straight across in bangs the way little kids have it, and her face was thin with a big nose like Tanya too, but the rest of her was so skinny it was flat all the way down. You could see that easy through the pyjamas, and you could see the way her hands and feet were skinny too.
She looked kind of sick to me. Her face was white and she had on sort of thick, shiny lipstick, almost purple, so it made her face look even whiter. When we came in, she was looking at a book, then she quick grabbed a piece of Kleenex out of a box on a little table in front of her and started to rub away at her nose. The way it was so red and the way her eyes were so shiny, I figured maybe she was crying about something, and that made me feel bad.
Tanya switched off the music and then walked over to the little table. There was a bottle on it with some white pills and Tanya grabbed it up and looked at it like she was good and sore. Then she shoved it into her pocket and said, ‘If you aren’t impossible.’
The way it looked, the girl didn’t even hear what Tanya said. She kept looking at me in such a funny way, and she said, ‘Hello. Ade you one of Lloyd’s students?’
Dr Cooper said, ‘Student, hell. This is George LaMain, the crusading journalist. George, this is Marion Gordon, Tanya’s sister. She’s a poet without peer or periodical,’ and Tanya said, ‘Don’t strain yourself, Lloyd.’
The way Marion was leaning forward and looking at me made me feel all prickly in my stomach. She said, ‘Do you like poetry, George? Really like it?’ and I said, ‘Sure. I liked that music too. What was that?’
‘What?’
I said, ‘That music you were playing when we came in. It was all right.’
‘Oh, that was the Sibelius First. Did you really like it? Shall I play it again?’
I said, ‘Sure,’ but Tanya said, ‘Oh no you don’t. Just sit nice and quiet while I get the drinks. And take off your hat and coat, George.’
She went into the kitchen, and I pulled off the overcoat and my hat, and I put them on a chair that was standing empty. Then I sat down in an armchair and I felt the gun push into my leg. It didn’t matter if they saw it or not, but it was better that they didn’t. So when I sat down, I turned a little sideways and made believe I was getting set right, but meanwhile I slid the gun out and shoved it under the chair cushion.
It must have looked a little funny because Dr Cooper said, ‘Hunting for buried treasure, George?’ but I only said, ‘No. I want to get set right.’ I felt like pulling out the gun and showing it to him so he would know who he was fooling around with, but maybe that would scare Marion, and I didn’t want her to stop looking at me the way she was.
She said, ‘You know, you’ve got a very striking face, George. It’s youthful but very strong,’ and I liked that too. The way she said it and the way she looked at me, my mind was going all around thinking if only Tanya and Dr Cooper would go away something big would happen. She hardly had any clothes on either, and it would be so easy I could see it all the way I would do it. I wouldn’t kiss her because of the way she looked, but I would do everything else and find out all about it.
Then Tanya came in with a bottle of wine and some glasses and said, ‘This is just some stuff we had around but it’ll have to do,’ and we all had some. It was sour but plenty strong, and when it got down it warmed me all through again and somehow got mixed up with what I was thinking about Marion.
It got worse and worse too, because Tanya came around with the wine until it was all gone and then she sat down on Dr Cooper’s lap, and Marion got a skinny little book with poems in it or something and she started to read it but I couldn’t hear what she was saying. I kept looking at Tanya and Dr Cooper and watching what they were doing, and all I could think of was I wanted to do it with Marion but she might not want me to and there would be trouble.
Then Tanya got another bottle of wine, but a new one, so Dr Cooper opened it up and a lot spilled all over and it made me feel sick when I saw it. I don’t know why, but when I saw it splashed all over the floor and running in the cracks of the wood I had to cry. I didn’t care, I just cried in front of everybody and Tanya gave me more wine and said something but I couldn’t hear what.
Marion just sat and read poetry, and all I could see was her eyes and her lips moving and I knew it was crazy but I thought maybe there’s nothing left of her only lips and eyes, so even if sh
e let me do something it wouldn’t be any good.
Then it was hard to see anything, and I looked around and Tanya and Dr Cooper weren’t there any more and Marion was standing by the lamp next to the couch and there was only a little light in it so you could hardly see. And I knew the way she was standing there and looking at me she wouldn’t mind what I wanted to do, and then I got scared.
I wouldn’t know how to do it right. I never did it before. I didn’t know anything about how it really was, so I would spoil everything and she would see I was only a dumb kid and they would all laugh at me.
She was standing by the couch just looking at me and I could see the light shining on her lips. I put my hand under the chair cushion and took hold of the gun. If they laughed at me I would give it to them.
She came away from the lamp and started walking to me. It was hard getting up, but I did it with the gun in my hand behind me waiting for her to laugh. But she didn’t laugh. She didn’t say anything, only went to the phonograph, and then I heard that music start up again but not loud this time. Just loud enough to hear.
It was crazy, that music. It was like me trying to get up my nerve to do something, and then all of a sudden coming out with it like a big wave that goes crash on the beach. Then Marion was up against me, and I dropped the gun back on the chair and grabbed her as tight as I could.
I didn’t have to worry about her laughing. I didn’t have to worry about anybody laughing. She knew everything and she showed it all to me, and it was more wonderful than I ever dreamed in my best dreams.
Chapter Thirteen
FIRST when the noise came through to me I didn’t think about it. I just lay there remembering about Marion and me and what it felt like and how I could do it again whenever I wanted. I could do it with her because of the way she liked me, but I could even do it with other girls now that I knew what it was all about.
That was the most important thing in the world, and when you had it everything else was kid stuff. Even school and books didn’t matter then, because you knew all about the real thing and you weren’t a kid any more. It felt so good thinking about it that I didn’t want to stop, but the noise got louder and louder and I got all tangled up in my mind.
I figured it was the clock. The clock behind the bar at the Domino Club was ticking louder and louder because it was pretty near quarter after one and I had to go find Al Judge.
Then I opened my eyes quick because I knew it couldn’t be the Domino Club. It was freezing cold in the room, and I was laying half off the couch without any clothes so I was shaking all over, and the noise was the needle on the record going around and around the way it does when the music is over and you don’t stop the record.
The little light in the lamp was still on so I could see what I was doing. I got off the couch and went over to the phonograph careful so I wouldn’t fall over, and hunted around until I switched it off. There were clothes all around the floor and I started to put my stuff on quick before Marion would see me. She was sound asleep on her back with the blanket up to her chin, and her mouth open with the lipstick smeared all around it, but I felt ashamed until I got some clothes on.
Then all of a sudden it hit me what time it must be and I got scared. I turned the big light on in the lamp so I could see better and then I looked all around the room for a clock, but I couldn’t find one.
Then I really got scared. If Al Judge was already gone from the Press maybe I would have trouble finding him again, and before I could the cops might be on me for what I did to Peckinpaugh. I found the gun on the armchair and I put it into my pocket. Then I went over to Marion and started shaking her hard. First she just moved her head like the light was bothering her, then she opened her eyes and looked at me.
‘What’s the matter?’
I said, ‘What time is it? I have to find out what time it is!’
She started sitting up with the blanket held up against her, and then she lay down again and said, ‘It doesn’t matter. Tanya doesn’t mind.’
I didn’t know what she was talking about. I grabbed her shoulder and started shaking it again. ‘I have to know what time it is, don’t you understand? Don’t you have a clock?’
This time she sat all the way up. She held up the blanket with one hand and starting slicking down her hair with the other. ‘There’s a clock in the kitchen. Do you have to go to work now?’
I didn’t bother to answer her. I ran into the kitchen and the light cord bumped my face. I grabbed it and turned on the light. There was a refrigerator in the corner, and on top of it was a big alarm clock. I looked at it and thought I was crazy. It said four o’clock. I looked at it close. I even picked it up and listened so I could hear it ticking, and when I looked at it again it still said four o’clock.
There was a cupboard right next to the refrigerator, and a telephone was on it. I took hold of the phone, but I couldn’t think of the number of the Press. Then I started shoving everything around looking for a phone book, but I couldn’t find one. I made a lot of noise and Marion came in. She had the pyjamas on again, but she had a blanket around her too, because it was so cold. Only she forgot to fix her lipstick, so it was like a clown’s mouth.
She said, ‘What’s the matter? What are you doing?’
I said, ‘I need the phone book. Don’t you even have a phone book?’
It was the first time I saw her face real good, the way the kitchen light was shining on it, and it was all like dough, and a smeared mouth, and stupid. It made me sick to think how I had kissed her, and everything, and how she was so dumb she didn’t even know where the telephone book was. She kept shaking her head. ‘I don’t know. It must be somewhere around,’ and looking about like she expected it to come flying up to her. She looked like she was drunk.
The way the clock kept going turned my stomach upside down. It was burning like fire anyhow, and my mouth tasted so sour and dry, I felt I could drink a gallon of water. But if I got out I would find some place with a phone book and I could call from there, so I didn’t have time to hang around. I pushed Marion away and went into the other room. I stuck the hat on my head and started getting into the overcoat, and Marion came running in. There was a wad of Kleenex in her pyjama pocket and she pulled it out and started to rub all around her nose with it. She said, ‘Have I done something? What are you carrying on like this for?’
‘I don’t have the number. I have to call up, but I don’t have the number.’
I was already at the door when she said, ‘Why don’t you ask Information? Won’t they have the number?’
Before she finished saying it, I ran back to the phone. I dialled four-one-one for Information, and all the while I was doing that and then calling the number they gave me, the clock kept going, and Marion kept rubbing her nose with the Kleenex so that I wanted to tell her to take the clock and get away from me.
Then somebody said ‘Daily Press,’ and I held the phone tight and said, ‘I have to know if Al Judge is there. Can I talk to somebody who could tell me?’
Then a guy’s voice said very loud, ‘Sports,’ and I told him all over again what I wanted.
He said, ‘Mr Judge left here an hour ago. Is there any message?’
The only thing that worries me was this guy would hang up, and I had to think of something quick. I said, ‘Yes, I have a message for him, I have to give it to him right away. It’s very important. Could you tell me where he lives?’
‘What do you mean, important? Can’t it wait until he gets in tomorrow?’
I yelled, ‘No! It’s important, don’t you understand?’ And then I remembered Dr Cooper and Mr Greenspan and what they were talking about and I said, ‘It’s about his sister.’
The guy said, ‘Oh,’ and from the way he said it I knew I was on the right track. I said again. ‘It’s about his sister and I have to tell him right away. Just tell me where he lives and I’ll go over there right away.
He said, ‘Hold the line,’ and then it sounded like there were three or four guys
talking right near the phone only I couldn’t hear what they said. It took so long that I started to say, ‘Hello, hello,’ into the phone when I heard the guy again. ‘Look, he’s not home now. As a matter of fact, he’s probably over at her place, but I’m not sure. You want to take a chance?’
I said, ‘Sure. Sure. Only what’s the address?’
‘Here it is. West Twenty-eight Street. Two-ninety-nine. Have you got that?’
I said it back to him to make sure and he said, ‘That’s it. But look, what’s going on? Can you give us the tip-off?’
I said, ‘No. I have to tell him,’ and then I hung up quick. I shoved my hand into my pocket to make sure the gun was okay, and I got that same feeling that my mind was working so it would figure everything out just right and my muscles were like iron. I had to pull my hand away quick though, because Marion pushed up against me and said, ‘Now you’re not upset any more, are you?’ and I said, ‘No. It’s okay.’
Then I remembered I didn’t have any money at all, and it would take too long to walk all the way to Al Judge’s sister. I said, ‘Look, I don’t have any money. Could you lend me some? I’ll pay it back the next time I come here.’
That shows how it is when you stop being a kid, because she didn’t ask me about coming again, but I figured it would be all right if I came even without her asking. That was the way the big guys did it, all right.
She went into the parlour and started hunting around and then she found a pocket-book. All I figured on was a dime or maybe a quarter, but she pulled out a bill and pushed it into my hand. I was so surprised I couldn’t think of what to say. I just said, ‘That’s okay,’ and I started to go to the door.
She grabbed hold of my coat sleeve. ‘But you will be back, won’t you?’
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