“How can you be so certain, Ika? We are in a suspended reality kind of period right now. This is not your normal. What happens when we go back to the real world and you have suitors…younger, more interesting, more fun, more attuned to you and the reality of your generation, and more eligible…breaking down your door? What if you decide that this is not the life style for you after all?” Ree had never verbalised her fears so plainly to Ika before.
Ika chose her words very carefully. “Honey, you know that in this time with you, I didn’t have the luxury of stopping my life or time, right?” she smiled softly.
Ree was quiet.
“Right? Ika prodded.
“Yes.”
“So my interactions with everyone else have been more or less the same. Except for the fact that I am now madly in love and crazy in lust with you, the rest of my life and the people in it are still the same. But it is you I want, honey. I have never been more sure of anything in my life than wanting you…wanting us.”
Ree looked into Ika’s steady eyes. And she found were deep wells of tenderness and love.
“You know, sweetie, I am not exactly ugly. I think I could safely say I am okay looking…” Ika ran her thumb across Ree’s lips.
“You’re gorgeous,” Ree interrupted.
Ika blushed shyly, “I’m glad you think so,” and continued, “So anyway, there have been, as you call, ‘suitors’…people expressing interest in me, flirting with me, hitting on me before I came to Krabi and even here,” she blushed a little more, “but there is only one person I want to be with. Only one person who comprises the world for me. Want to guess who?”
Ika bent down and kissed Ree softly. “Ree, honey, I am in my normal…and you are it for me. Please believe me.”
“I do.”
“You’re again ‘I do’-ing…putting the cart before the horse much?” Ika joked gently.
Ree’s eyes warmed. “I’m sorry about freaking out again…I guess it was just the idea of intrusion of the world that brought it on,” she said softly. “I know I shouldn’t be freaking out like this. It is not fair to you. I’m sorry.”
Ika hugged Ree’s head to her chest. “I hope you will realise and believe that I’m not going anywhere. Apart from that, I want to take care of you in every possible way, sweetie.”
Ree looked at Ika…fathomless depths of love, bordering on reverence, in her eyes. “You’re really there in my life…” she murmured with a sense of wonder.
“Permanently,” Ika rolled on top of Ree and kissed her softly. “I love you, Ree…and that means emotionally, mentally, psychologically, spiritually and physically I belong to you, “ she said lowering her lips to Ree’s once again.
Raising her head after a deep, soul-combining kiss, Ika looked into Ree’s eye, “Sweetie, I’m only asking time till my appraisal…which I think is nine months from now. I really need to get unbiased feedback for my performance.”
***************************************************************
“Why do you have two key cards for the room?” Ika asked as she was leaving and saw them lying on the table.
“I just thought that if you wanted one, it should be there,” Ree actually looked bashful.
“So it’s mine?” Ika smiled, taking it and kissing Ree. “Since when have you had this?”
“Since the morning after we met,” steadily but with a little diffidence.
“Are you saying that if this was not a hotel, you’d have given me the keys to your apartment in less than twelve hours after you met me?”
“Yes,” not meeting Ika’s eyes.
“How come?”
“I knew I was in love with you,” a mumble.
Ika wrapped her arms around Ree’s waist. “Right then?” with surprise.
“At first sight,” softly.
“So why didn’t you give it to me?” curiously.
“I didn’t want make you feel claustrophobic,” more mumbling.
“Honey, you think that showing me what you feel about me would make me claustrophobic?” very gently. “Why?” Ika’s voice gentled even more, “…and will you please hold me?” smiling.
Ree placed her arms over Ika’s shoulders, running her fingers through her hair, scratching the nape of her neck gently. “I think I come on too strong,” softly.
So you don’t express yourself. Ika felt sadness that a person…Ree…was afraid of expressing her feelings. No one deserved that. “Who did this to you, Ree?” deep compassion.
“I’d say two non-affairs,” Ree smiled, obviously playing it down. “Women numbers two and three…the two straight women I lay myself out for,” she grinned with bravado.
“So because of two stupid, callous women, you will deny me? You don’t think I deserve better?” Ika knew she was being tough, but needed to…Ree needed to be shaken up.
“I don’t think I am allowed to love…I don’t think my feelings and expression of my feelings are either welcome or appreciated,” a heart-rending confession.
That is why you don’t even initiate physical intimacy. You let me set pace in everything. “Sweetie, I need to know what you feel. I have been feeling that I am chasing you. You holding back has been making me feel insecure,” confession of a deeply hidden fear…this would be rough on Ree, but she needed to know what her insecurities were doing to Ika. “I believe you love me, but I feel that I am too pushy in this relationship. You go along with me, but you never seem to take the initiative.”
“Good Lord! I am so sorry, Ika,” Ree said guiltily.
“Saying you’re sorry doesn’t help, Ree. You promised me that you’d not let your past insecurities creep into our relationship. But you have. Not letting me know what you’re feeling for me is also a form of blocking me out,” Ika chided. “I’d told you I cannot deal with this alone…I need you to work with me on this. You’re not keeping your end of the bargain, Ree…do you want us to work out or not?” Ika looked so distressed, it broke Ree’s heart.
“I do…I want nothing more than for us to work out.”
“But you’re doing everything to make sure we don’t,” Ika wasn’t ready to back down on this. This was too important.
Ree looked whipped. Anguished. Lost.
“Sweetie, you make all these grand gestures…you get me a key to your room, you disappear from the whole world to be with me…but you don’t let these things reach me. I stumble upon them. What I experience is that you’re willing to do whatever I want, whenever I want it. You’re just waiting. How would you feel if our roles were reversed? How do you think I feel?” Ika gentled her tone, but didn’t let Ree off the hook.
Ree thought a while. “I’d probably have retreated by now,” she said slowly. Internal self-flagellation flared up and with it, the feeling of inadequacy. She bit the inside of her lips to stop one of her two immediate responses…either cry or blurt out that she wasn’t good enough and Ika should not be with her. “I promise you, I will work on this, Ika…please be patient with me,” she said instead.
“Honey, it is not that you don’t make me feel good. I’ve never felt as loved or protected or safe as I feel with you. But I need you to let go of your fears…let go of this crazy control that you exercise on yourself. I need to stop feeling I’m throwing myself at you all the time…not that I mind throwing myself at you…but I don’t need to feel I’m invading your space when I do that,” Ika said kissing her softly on her lips. “Will you do that for me?”
“I will…you’ll continue being patient with me and showing me the way, won’t you?” There was pleading in Ree’s voice.
“You know how mad you got at me earlier when I asked you whether you would make love to me? Why did you get mad at me, Ree?”
“I didn’t like that you were hesitant…uncertain of me. You have a complete right over me…and it makes me feel good when you are comfortable and certain about that right. I love it that you know just how much I love you and how sure you can be of me.”
“What makes you th
ink it is any different for me? What makes you think that when you are hesitant or tentative with me, it doesn’t tear me up inside? That it doesn’t make me feel that I have failed in making you feel loved?”
“I screwed up, didn’t I?” remorsefully.
“Yes,” firm but gentle.
“Please don’t give up on me yet, Ika,” contritely.
“I’m never going to give up on you or on us, honey…just don’t make this more difficult than it has to be.”
Ree hugged Ika close, “I won’t…I promise, I won’t…I may slip up again, but please trust me that I am trying my damnedest,” utterly vulnerable.
“That’s all I’m asking for,” Ika spoke into Ree’s chest, “…and I know you’re trying, honey…you just told me that you’ve given yourself away to me, you are making plans to include me in your life…coming with me to India…I know. And it makes me giddy to know all this…but I deserve all of you…you cannot safeguard some parts and give me only the parts you choose to share…I really deserve all of you, Ree,” she kissed Ree.
They held each other in silence simply breathing the other in for a while. Ika heard Ree’s heart slowly settle back to normal and the rigid fear leave her body.
“So, you’re allowing me to love you,” there was a note of wonder in Ree’s voice.
“No sweetie, I’m not allowing you to love me…I am asking…I am begging you to love me.”
“What makes you so emotionally smart?” Ree asked with a smile.
Ika looked up at her, “This is not being wise…this is love…I see all my tomorrows in you and I’m going to fight to make that happen…even if it means that I am fighting you…I really, really want my forever to be with you,” she turned her head up, crinkled her nose and smiled.
“Fighting alongside me,” Ree ran her fingers through Ika’s hair and kissed her softly. “Thank you.”
“I’m just grateful that you can hear me and that you listen to me,” Ika went up on her toes and kissed Ree’s cheek. “Now please don’t get into a spiral of self-recrimination or the next thing you’ll tell me is that you’re not good enough for me,” Ika once again surprised Ree with her insightfulness. “What just happened, happened…we need to get past it…the key word here is we. Promise me you won’t run away from us,” a little anxiously.
“I won’t. You anchor me, baby…I promise you I won’t even think of running away.”
“Promise me that you won’t unilaterally decide what and who is good for me…or that you’re not right for me,” genuine trepidation.
Ree smiled, “I believe that nothing is better than us…I won’t make any unilateral decisions. And anyway, you have way more EQ and EI than I do. I swear I won’t decide anything without talking to you.”
“Ree, I love you. You make me happy. We make me happy. Don’t take that away from me. Ever.”
“Baby, before you I didn’t even know this kind of happy existed…you are my happy. I’m not going anywhere,” Ree kissed her. A long, intense heartfelt kiss. It was like every emotion that they ever felt got collected into that one exchange.
It was meant to be one kiss…but quickly became a passionate make out session. With a lot of crazy groping. “Damn! I so want you to fuck me,” Ika groaned in frustration, breaking away. She rested her forehead against Ree till her breathing returned to normal. “I’ll see you in a few,” she said, opening the door and walking out.
***************************************************************
Ika ambled along the meandering paths of the resort. Try as she might, she couldn’t keep the bounce out of each step. Life, because of Ree and with Ree, was too good to not celebrate.
She had changed into a one-piece swimsuit and worn cut-offs and a hoodie over it. She had every intention of joining as many games as she could including the swimming pool volleyball. But first…pool tables…that is where Ree would come to because that was one game she would participate in.
From a distance, Ika could see Ree standing with a knot of people just outside the games room. Her breath caught at Ree’s sight. She was wearing black sweatpants and a black polo-necked long sleeved t-shirt. Ika was a little away and Ree hadn’t yet seen her. Ika took the moment to just observe Ree interact with others. She exuded calm confidence. She was friendly and put every single person at ease. Even without knowing she was the owner, she had a commanding presence that automatically drew the eye. She was absolutely charismatic. She’s so hot, Ika thought, it’s her whole personality and persona that makes her so irresistible.
Ree looked over towards her at that moment, their eyes met and Ika felt weak in her knees. Mine, she shivered. She straightened and walked towards Ree, unable to take her eyes away. As she drew closer, Ree looked at her again and Ika once again felt her clothes falling off. Blushing, she walked past the group to enter her name for the pool competition. She filled the form and turned to find Ree standing right behind her looking at her possessively, eyes practically eating her up. Oh my God…I love the way she looks at me!
“You can’t look at me like that,” she whispered to Ree, walking away towards the tables.
“I can,” she heard Ree’s answering whisper…and smiled to herself…of course you can, and it thrills me that you do.
***************************************************************
They’d blown away the competition and were now battling it out with each other for the final. Ree got the break. She potted five balls and faltered. Ika gleefully took her turn, wiping the table clean. “Told you, you’d cheated,” Ika said softly smiling as she accepted the winner’s handshake from her defeated opponent. How am I going to keep this thing between us quiet?
***************************************************************
They were watching the beach volleyball matches, standing with different groups of people, on the opposite sides the courts, cheering the players. Ika caught herself staring at Ree every so often. Eyes hidden behind her mirror shades, she knew Ree was staring at her back…continuously. I should have thought of getting my shades too but how was I to know it would be so hard to keep away?
“Let’s go…we got to enter our team for pool volleyball,” Gigi shouted to their group and with one last look at Ree, Ika ran off with them.
***************************************************************
Ika removed her cut-offs and hoodie and stepped out of the changing room to go to the swimming pool…felt those phantom fingers running over her shoulders and arms, felt goosebumps. She looked up and found Ree leaning against the bar by the pool, ostensibly sipping her drink, looking at her. She had to pass by the bar to reach the swimming pool and walked towards Ree who was alone for this brief moment…feeling Ree devouring her. “Wait till you see me in a bikini,” she whispered teasingly as she walked past…heard Ree sputter, choke and cough…and grinned.
***************************************************************
Despite the water being comfortably cool, Ika felt herself burning up under Ree’s gaze. Ree was totally eye-fucking her and she could feel each touch and caress. She could barely keep herself together. Part-way through the game, she excused herself and walked out. She collected her clothes from the changing room and on shaking legs, she made her way towards Ree’s room. Fishing out her key…her key…she entered the room by herself for the first time. She was stunned at the joy that flooded through her at the simple act of using her key to enter the room. It was an unaccountably intimate feeling and she hugged herself as she walked in to their bedroom.
A bath was in order, so she went into the bathroom and stripped for a quick shower. Ten minutes later she was debating over her sartorial options. Wearing the swimsuit was out of question. The cut-offs and hoodie with all the sand in them weren’t appealing either. Her ‘gift’! Ika went to the suitcase and opened it. A raunchy red set was perfect. She wore it feeling sexier than she’d ever felt in her life. Throwing the fluffy white hotel robe over herself, she fished out her
phone from her shorts. Twenty missed calls?!?! She had left the action just thirty minutes back. She checked the calls and chuckled…all from Ree. And her phone rang again.
“Hey,” she said softly.
“Where are you? I’m going crazy without seeing you.”
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