by Aceves, Gigi
“That came from left field. Why are you asking me?” Seconds ago, her voice and body were shaking under me. Now my own is shaking the same way, but for an entirely different reason.
She shrugs her shoulders. “I don’t know, I guess at some point there will be certain things we can’t tell our partners. You know, we don’t tell our parents everything, it’s the same concept.”
A deep sigh escapes me. “Honestly, I guess it depends on how we look at it. Secrets could be both good and bad, just depends on the reason behind them, I guess.”
She kisses my chest and buries her face into my neck. “That’s why I hate surprises. Others find enjoyment in them, but I don’t. Even if it’s coming from a good place, I just don’t like the anxiety associated with them.”
With my thumb I caress her cheek. “That’s why it’s important to always remember when I do things or say things there’s a reason behind them, especially when it comes to you.”
“Thank you for understanding my immaturity and recklessness. Thank you for being patient. Maybe fate planned it that an older guy would be my destiny because I need . . .” She sheepishly looks at me then just as quickly looks at something else.
“Eyes on me.” She complies as she normally does. “Sophia, it’s not the age. It’s you accepting and understanding my fuck ups as much as I accept and understand yours. It’s as simple as that. There’s someone out there specifically for another.”
“Like a match made in Heaven?”
I chuckle. “Something like that.”
That conversation plays in my mind on repeat. Am I scared? NO, I’m not scared of why I have to keep a secret, and not why it needs to be done. I’m scared, though, of how she’ll react. That’s what makes this part of me complicated—very complicated.
Simple—my Wildflower desires this. I know I can give it to her, but in my life where my job is webbed with responsibilities, hard decisions and the responsibility to execute said decisions, it makes life less simple and more complex.
Complex—my life never was before her. I know my responsibilities and what’s expected of me. I also know the need to understand both and allow them to work in my life cohesively. What happens when you try to balance a complex present and a simple future? The answer is a stable heart.
SOPHIA
TODAY IS MY WEDDING DAY.
Unbelievable? No.
I’ve believed all along Damien and I were meant to be together. I’m standing in front of the floor to ceiling window overlooking the Pacific Ocean, and the calmness in the water calls out to me, putting me in a trance of some sort.
The sound of footsteps burst my peaceful bubble. I look over my shoulder to see my mother holding my veil and my dad standing behind her. I slowly turn to face them, and I can already see tears shimmering in my mother’s eyes. Tears of joy mixed with a little bit of worry for me. After all, I’m the only child they have. I know giving me up is hard on both of them.
My mom fixes the veil on my head, making sure it stays in place.
“This is bitter sweet for me. My only daughter is leaving me to make a life with a man I know will love her. So why am I sad? I’m sad because I’ll miss your laughter, I’ll miss your presence, but more than anything I’ll just miss you.” She holds my face with both her loving hands, the same way she normally does when she wants me to remember something. “Loving someone is both hard and easy. I could tell you it will remain easy, but I’d be lying. Allow your heart to think less of yourself when you’re in that place where loving him is the hardest. Trust in his love, and he’ll learn to trust in yours. Be happy and content today. Look forward to your future with Damien, thinking only of how you envisioned it to be with God as your guide.”
She moves to give room for my dad. He slowly lowers my veil as tears slip from my eyes, seeing his own fall freely on his face. I can’t help but think that even though my marrying Damien isn’t leaving them, in reality I am.
My dad reaches for my hands giving them a good squeeze to get my attention.
“I can’t believe I’m letting you go so soon . . . this quickly. From the day you were born, I knew you were not going to be ours forever. I knew someday I’d have to let you go, but I pushed that thought away from my mind. As you’ve grown older and boys started clamoring for your attention, I started feeling a tug in my heart. A tug that scared me . . . a tug I couldn’t deny but wanted to. As I watched these boys come and go, I realized sharing your time, maybe a little bit of your attention with them, was just temporary and everything would go back to normal. But then you became a woman and that tug started becoming more powerful . . . each pull became more painful . . . harder to accept. Again, the men like the boys came and went until Damien. Then the tugging turned into powerful jabs threatening my hold in your heart. I saw your relationship evolve into something meaningful and more powerful than the jabs I’ve been feeling. Slowly the fear turned into acceptance. I know I’m ready to let you go, knowing the man who holds your heart is very deserving and capable of taking care of it—of taking care of you.” Sighing deeply he stops. “Then today comes, and I feel a hole so painful, right here.” He stops to point at his chest. “ . . . and I realize it’s because no one could ever fill it. The time I have with you I’m passing on to your soon-to-be husband, and his heart is now whole while mine is missing a piece. I’m called ‘The Most Powerful Man in the World’, but my powers couldn’t stop the love you both have for each other. I wouldn’t because I love you, too. Love each other faithfully, and you’ll never lose your way.”
My dad pulls me in for a long and tight embrace as we both comfort each other. As soon as he releases me, my mom helps me wipe my tears, then Tami and Roxy signal the start of my forever with the man I thought I’d never have.
My chiffon white A-line gown with empire waistline, sweetheart neckline, and court train is decorated with pearls on the bodice. My mom picked the right dress because this is the dress of my dreams. Simple, the way I’ve dreamed my life to be, while elegant in its modesty. As my dad and I walk toward the elevator that will take me up to him, each step both calms and excites me knowing I’ll be his today.
Love—it’s what every single person searches for. It’s elusive at times, absent at certain spots in our life, painful in some cases, but in every situation love always heals. Love helps you forgive as it diminishes the pain of remembering the hurt.
Marriage—the union of love between two people. It’s difficult yet rewarding, challenging yet uplifting, but with Damien by my side our marriage filled with love will stand the test of time.
DAMIEN
“Don’t even think about it.” Cody chuckles.
“I just want to get her, demand the pastor to marry us, kiss the shit out of her, lock her in our room, and make her mine. That’s all I want. It’s a simple request that has turned into a mega event.”
Jake leans forward turning toward me. “Mega event? Did you see my wedding, or Cody’s, or Brian’s? Those were mega events. This is a secret wedding. . . .”
“James Bond style. We need to stress the double O seven part,” Cody interrupts Jake. “If you look hard enough at the water . . .” Cody points outside toward the beach. “ . . . Sophia might come out of it, flip her hair in a tiny bikini rocking a wet look and walk your way. Like Halle Berry, instant boner!”
Without thinking, I smack him upside the head. “Quit thinking about my wife wearing a damn bikini, or I’ll throw your ass out.”
“Soon to be wife, LT,” Brian quips.
“She’s my wife, everything else is semantics.”
“I don’t know, she might be making her escape after realizing. . . .” Uncle Jack pulls Cody away from me, saving my sister’s husband’s head from hitting the glass window.
“Cody, stop messing with Damien.” Uncle Jack reprimands, then turns toward me. “You need to relax. She’ll get here when she gets here. Take this moment to remember how you got here so you can appreciate her when she walks toward you.”
I do as I’m told. A memory of her sleeping in my arms aboard the Presidential Bus during a weeklong campaign trip to three major cities in Texas plays in my head.
“I’m tired.” She yawns and covers her mouth.
“C’mere.” I open my arms to her.
She falls into my arms perfectly, her head finding its home on my chest as my arms pull her body close to mine. A contented sigh escapes her, and a smile covers my face. Pure happiness coats my heart, something I never thought possible for someone like me.
As I look outside the window, my lips whisper promises to her. “I’ll make you my wife sooner rather than later. I can’t wait to share my life with you, to create a life inside you, to just be with you. I don’t know where the road will lead us but we’ll figure it out, just don’t leave me, baby.” One of my fears spills out of my mouth as I pull her closer—much closer to me. “I can’t dream or imagine a future without you in it . . . I refuse to. I love you so much, Wildflower.” I allow silence to surround us as the long road ahead welcomes my fears and my hopes.
Cody’s voice horsing around with the kids pulls me back to the present, and my anxiety hits me again. I start to pace, walking past Jake then Brian and back again.
“Will you sit down?” My mother stops me in my tracks. “Do you think your pacing back and forth will make time move faster?”
“I just need her here. That’s all. Once I see her, I’ll calm down.”
“Enjoy this moment because that’s exactly what it’ll be, a moment if you don’t stop and appreciate its beauty. Don’t make it just a moment, make it the moment, Damien.” My mom’s words calm me.
I look around and every piece of furniture has been removed. The chairs from different rooms have been collected and are now placed three on either side, four rows deep. The glass walls from floor to ceiling span half of the room with the Pacific Ocean as our backdrop. We both want our wedding at sunset, marking the end of our individual lives welcoming tomorrow as a married couple.
The reflections of the tea lights bounce off the glass walls creating an illusion of twinkling lights. A small round Victorian table is next to me holding a heart shaped cylindrical vase, a heart shape cork stopper with my name and Sophia’s etched in the middle, and next to it are two carafes of red and clear water. I’m standing at the center point of the room where a white cloth runs up to the private elevator that’s directly in front of me. It’ll take her twenty paces to reach me, too many if you ask me.
The pastor, who married my sister and my cousins officiates our union upon my request. He has secretly flown from Los Angeles to Big Sur. As soon as I see him stride toward me, I know the time has come. My nerves leave my body as peace flows in its place. I touch the old watch on my wrist representing the men in Sophia’s life. Their main objective is now mine, to keep my love for her in rhythm with the time it keeps.
The hallway is filled with twelve agents, all part of her detail. Each of them will watch my Wildflower walk to me, forever standing guard, forever watching as I will be for the rest of our lives.
The private elevator that will bring her to me isn’t the typical square metal door, but a half circle made of solid glass. With my family, Mrs. Andrews, the nearest and dearest to us waiting anxiously, Art Garfunkel’s Lasso The Moon signals her arrival. The moment I see her ascend with every inch of her in white, her eyes fixate on mine, my smile spreads across my face, and my eyes glaze over in utter happiness. She’s a sight to see, like an angel rising from somewhere only to be revealed to me—only to belong to me.
As the doors open wide, she takes her first step toward me. My heart starts beating double time with anticipation flowing through my veins. She holds a bouquet of red roses with a white satin ribbon wrapped around the stems almost touching the beautiful red bulbs, and my dog tags dangle at the center held by a blue ribbon.
My dog tags have seen better days . . . been through it all with me . . . from the scariest parts of my life when danger was too close, to the saddest when I lost many of my own. But now with them nestled safely in her hands, nothing can overcome the joy I feel and the power it invokes. According to her, they’re her something old and borrowed at the same time. For sure, they’re old but they’re not borrowed. In my eyes I’m giving them to her, a physical symbol of who I am and what I will be to her—her shield for always. As the song continues to play, its meaning speaks of what I want her to feel—that she’s safe with me as I am with her.
Five more paces left I tell myself. The moment her dad gives her to me a sense of completion washes over me. Her dad surrenders her with confidence, matching my own, but a hint of sadness is in his eyes while mine are his exact opposite.
“We’re gathered here today to witness the union of two people coming from two different paths in life. One has seen the ugliest, survived the harshest parts, and defended them with everything he’s got, while the other has been sheltered from it. But no matter the difference, when love combines both, the power of it covers the differences. Its mixture outshines the old and beautifies the new. This vase represents God, the one that holds us . . . keeps us . . . uplifts us during times of trouble. The red liquid represents the groom and the clear water, the bride. Red represents power, strength, and boldness, everything that a man should offer his wife. The clear or white represents purity in its finest. An innocence that only a woman can give, her calm disposition and clarity of mind brings comfort to her mate. Together, they will pour them inside the vase. As they do, one color, the red, consumes the clear while the clear calms and tones the red down. The two different colors mix representing their lives, forever combined and never again separated. This signifies a lifelong irreversible bond for eternity, nurtured under the love of their Father. A promise of strength mixed in with a promise of serenity represents a life of greatness amidst life’s adversities. And now, their vows.”
We opt to answer each other, creating a promise to one another.
“I promise to love you forever . . .” I begin.
“And forever I promise to give it back . . .” She answers.
“My beginning will always be you . . .”
“And my ending will always be with you . . .”
“I’ll be your shield . . .” A smile appears on her face.
“And I’ll be your comfort . . .”
“I’ll be your strength . . .”
“And I’ll be your peace . . .” Her eyes shine with her unshed tears.
“You are my gift from Heaven . . .”
“You are my Heaven. . . .” This promise elates my heart.
“You’re my tomorrow.”
“And you’re my today.”
“I promise to keep you safe.” My voice is strong, unwavering.
“And I promise to hold you. . . .”
“I promise you forever.” This is my favorite part.
“And forever I’ll keep it.”
“I love you, my wife.”
She smiles and a single tear finally falls. “And I love you . . . my husband.”
“May the good Lord bless your marriage with more than what your hearts hope for and what your minds pray for. You may now kiss your bride.”
Once the words leave the pastor’s mouth, my lips welcome hers, our tongues engaged in a dance so slow and so full of promise of what today signifies. My need for her drums loudly like a war chant, and my heart soars like the eagle. My hand anchors on her jaw, holding her steady as her mouth loves on mine.
“I love you,” I whisper again against her lips.
She answers me with a smile, her eyes echoing the happiness in my heart. Finally . . . she’s mine. Her mouth calls to me and another passion filled kiss is shared as everyone fades away, leaving only us with the setting sun disappearing into the night.
Love—an ambiguous feeling to understand, yet everyone yearns for it. It’s painful to lose, yet everyone gambles on it. It’s powerful, yet it yields to the right person. To some love has a limit, but when pushed to its limits, it’s
when it becomes limitless.
Marriage—an ambiguous commitment to engage in, yet everyone surrenders to its promise. It’s easy to dissolve, yet the hardest decision to make. To some its promise isn’t forever, but for me, forever is its promise.
SOPHIA
NOT A DROP OF WINE enters my bloodstream because I want to be fully aware when he takes me. I want to remember his slow kisses, every stroke, each thrust, how he moves—when he moves. I want to commit it to memory only to replay it in my head seconds later.
As I look around me, I can honestly say I’m not nervous that I’m the center of attention, not when I’m surrounded by people I love and trust with my life. As simple as my wedding is, I’m content that a commitment so grand could be done in a fashion that couldn’t possibly outshine the importance of the moment—our moment.
Cody’s voice grabs my attention. “Ladies and Gents, Mr. President, I voted for you by the way. Mrs. Andrews, now I know where Sophia gets her looks.” Cody turns to my dad, giving him a salute. “Sorry, Sir, I can’t really say you’re pretty, it wouldn’t be a good representation of the Alpha male aura you’ve got going on. What best fits is something like hard ass, but I can’t describe Sophia as a hard ass.” He winks at me. “. . . . though her ass is hard.”
My husband’s voice booms, “Cody! Knock it off!”
Everyone chuckles, including my parents, while Cody motions to zipping his lips. “Anyway, the groom, my brother-in-law, another bad ass, requested I sing this song to his lovely wife.” Cody looks straight at me, and I’m sure he sees the surprised look on my face. “Don’t worry, Sophia, I don’t leave home without my karaoke machine.” Everyone laughs as is the case when Cody is around.
As the Boyz II Men’s I Swear fills the room, my husband saunters toward me. I know how uncomfortable he is at the moment since dancing isn’t his forte, while I’m silently counting how many times he’ll step on my toes.
I’m surprised when he holds me how a professional dancer would, and his posture is perfect. My gaze finds Mark’s and he gives me a thumbs up, knowing he must have given Damien a crash course. As we glide across the small space with Cody’s warm voice singing the words that express how he’s stood beside me through the years, how he’ll never break my heart, and how he swears to be by my side like a shadow, how he loves me with every beat of his heart, my joy and thankfulness for this moment comes in waves of contentment and peace.