by Linda Ford
He opened his mouth to protest but closed it without saying a word. He wished he could promise he’d stay and help her, take care of her, protect her from men like Ebner. He wished not only that he could promise it, but that he could have faith he would follow through on it.
But his past had shown nothing but failure on his part. He didn’t believe he could live up to his expectations, let alone the expectations of others.
Something Lilly had said sprang to his mind. Was it that he didn’t have enough faith or that he was looking for faith in the wrong places? In his own strength and abilities?
But what else did he have?
If he couldn’t protect and provide for those in his care, he would continue to suffer both loss and failure.
Still, he wanted to offer Lilly some kind of assurance.
“While I’m here, I won’t let Ebner do anything harmful to your family.”
She stopped picking up turnips and faced him. “Is that a promise?”
He nodded. “It’s a promise.” She didn’t say whether or not she believed him, instead simply turning back to her task.
The sight of Amanda bleeding and dying filled his mind. He recalled Teddy, white with shock and fear.
He tried to ignore the heavy lump in the pit of his stomach.
He’d promised to protect them, too. And look how that had turned out.
Chapter Sixteen
Lilly followed Caleb as he pushed the barrow full of turnips to the root cellar. She waited outside while he dumped them into the bin.
His promise to see no harm came to them while he was there had made her smile. For a few days they could forget about the Caldwells.
She sighed. And then what? Things would be back to the way they had been. Nothing would have changed.
Wasn’t she always saying she didn’t want things to change? Except when it came to the Caldwells. If only they would just leave her family alone.
Rose came over. “You made him take the turnips inside, didn’t you?”
Lilly chuckled. “I see no reason to do it if someone else will.”
Rose stared at the doorway. “I don’t trust the Caldwells.”
“I don’t either. But Caleb assured me he would see nothing happened while he’s there.”
“And you believe him?” Rose stared at her like she’d suddenly sprung an extra head.
“I do. He doesn’t seem the kind of man to break a promise.”
Rose stomped away.
Caleb stood in the doorway to the root cellar, a look of surprise and delight on his face. Then his expression gave way to guardedness. “I wouldn’t intentionally break a promise.” His words were low and husky. “But I failed to protect my wife and son.”
A great need to comfort him welled up inside her and she followed her instincts. “Caleb, you can’t blame yourself for what evil men do.” As she spoke she rubbed his arm, relieved when she felt the stiffness in his muscles ease.
“But I do. I failed them.”
“You must have loved her very much.” Each word clawed its way out of her throat.
He swallowed hard. “We loved Teddy.”
Her heart lurched at the wording of his reply. Did he mean he hadn’t loved his wife? But how awful that would have been for both of them. It was certainly nothing for her to be pleased about.
She sought a way to comfort him and assure him he wasn’t a failure. “Does not God promise to keep our feet from slipping and to put us on a solid rock?”
“Does it say that in the Bible?”
She nodded, trying to recall the exact verse. “I think it’s in Psalm 40, but it’s a theme repeated throughout the scriptures. He is able to keep us from falling, and that’s in Jude.”
“I’ll have to find it and read it for myself.” He rubbed at his neck. “But it doesn’t explain what happened to Amanda.”
“How do you explain evil in the world? And yet it exists.” She could have told him some of the cruel things the Caldwells had done, but what would have been the point? He had firsthand experience with how cruel people could be.
They tidied up the garden tools and he went with her to bring in the cows.
Grub followed, getting in the way as he chased a butterfly and tripped in front of Maude, who mooed at him as she sidestepped to avoid him.
Teddy and Blossom followed as she led the cows to the barn and into their stalls.
Caleb took one of the buckets she had brought out. “I’ll help. Which cow should I milk?”
Her mind went blank for the space of two full seconds.
“Do you object to my help?” He sounded hurt.
“Just surprised. Thanks for offering. You can milk Maude.”
He took his place at the cow’s side, and in moments the white streams plunked against the bottom of the empty pail.
At the sound, the cats ran into the barn. They saw Caleb doing the milking and skidded to a halt.
Her hungry cats were expecting fresh milk, so she hurried to Bossy’s side and began to milk as well, squirting streams to each waiting cat.
Teddy giggled when one cat missed and got a faceful of milk.
Caleb attempted to squirt milk to the cats closest to him. He missed by a mile, sending Teddy into a fit of laughter that had him rolling on the floor. “Papa, you don’t know how to milk a cow.”
“Anyone can do it.” Caleb tried a couple of more times and missed, while Teddy continued to giggle. Then Caleb shifted the direction and shot a stream of milk at Teddy, managing to hit his open mouth.
Teddy’s laughter ended on a gulp. He sat up, swallowed the milk and stared at his father.
Caleb laughed, a full-throated, deep-chested laugh that rang through the barn and echoed in the loft.
Teddy’s eyes widened and he giggled so hard he got the hiccups.
Lilly grinned, leaning her forehead into Bossy’s flank. It felt so good to see the pair relax and enjoy themselves. They both deserved a home and a family.
But Caleb had been clear as springwater that he would be moving on.
Unless something happened to change his mind. She guessed it would have to be something more than Teddy using his leg. He thought he’d failed his wife. And now Teddy. Would Caleb ever be willing to try again?
Oh, if only it would be so. For Caleb’s sake. And Teddy’s, too, of course.
And for her sake as well. She wanted to deny it, but she couldn’t. Something in her heart cried out to know him more deeply and thoroughly. To hear him laugh more often. To talk about their faith.
They finished milking and turned the cows out.
She took the buckets of milk to the house, a smile clinging to her lips.
Rose noticed before Lilly had the presence of mind to change her expression. “Lilly, you are going to get your heart broken and you know it.”
Lilly sobered. “I won’t let that happen.”
Only it was already too late, and there was absolutely nothing she could do about it. She could not deny herself one moment of time with Caleb and Teddy.
She did her best to keep her distance the rest of the evening and to avoid looking at Caleb throughout the meal.
Then it was bedtime. She couldn’t avoid being close to Caleb as they helped Teddy prepare for bed. She’d promised to continue writing the story they had begun. Almost every evening they’d added more to Tiny’s adventures, things that the dog was scared of and what made him feel safe. Sometimes Teddy asked Lilly to correct a picture, so she knew he was truly involved in the spirit of the story.
Every evening she silently prayed that the story would help Teddy find the healing he needed as well, for she understood his little heart must be full of hurt and confusion after witnessing his mother’s murder.
Tonight Teddy wanted to talk about what would h
appen if Tiny got hurt.
The request stunned her so much she didn’t answer immediately. She glanced at Caleb and saw her surprise reflected in his face.
She brought her attention back to Teddy’s request. “What sort of hurt?”
“A broken leg.”
It appeared Tiny was going to mirror Teddy’s injury. Where would this lead? She could only follow his direction and pray for wisdom as she did so. “Poor puppy.” She drew the dog with a splint on one front leg. “What happened?”
“Take it off.” He indicated the splint and she obediently erased it.
“Maybe it isn’t broken.” Teddy sounded confused.
Caleb met Lilly’s gaze over Teddy’s head as the boy rubbed his fingers along the picture of the dog. She felt Caleb’s hope and fear, a reflection of her own. Silently she prayed. God, help this little boy find healing.
Teddy sat up. “I don’t think it’s broke. Just hurt.”
“Can he walk on it?”
Teddy shook his head.
“Is he in pain?”
Again Teddy shook his head. “But he’d like to run and play with his boy.”
The boy had never been given a name. Just “boy.”
Teddy studied Lilly. “What can we do to help him?”
The question caught her off guard. She’d hoped Teddy would be the one to say how he or the puppy could be helped. She glanced to Caleb for guidance. When he shrugged, she understood what he couldn’t say with Teddy listening...he’d already tried everything to no avail.
She glanced at the others in the room. Pa had nodded off in his chair. Rose had her nose buried in a book. Only Ma was paying attention, and she smiled her encouragement. Follow your heart, she’d say. Or would it be to follow her instincts? Either way Lilly needed to answer Teddy’s question to the best of her meager abilities.
“Do you think Tiny would like to play a game? Or would that hurt his leg?”
Teddy considered the question. “He’s afraid it will hurt.”
“I see. Then we’ll have to do our best to see what will work. Has Tiny tried taking little steps?”
Teddy shook his head. “That might not work, and if it didn’t he’d fall down.”
“Maybe the boy could help him.”
“Maybe.” Teddy sounded doubtful. “I think he has to keep resting until it’s all better.”
Teddy was clearly afraid. She feared pushing him too hard. “Then we’ll let him rest. It’s time for Tiny to go to bed. Maybe the boy should pray for Tiny’s legs to get better.” She drew a picture of the boy kneeling at his bedside with the dog curled up beside him.
“What will the boy say?”
“What would you say to your papa?”
Teddy turned to Caleb. “Papa, can you make Tiny better? Can you make him forget his leg doesn’t remember how to work?” He had used the same words he used to describe his own leg.
Lilly’s heart twisted at the agony in Caleb’s face. She hadn’t expected Teddy to be so direct.
Caleb swallowed hard. “Son, I’m afraid I can’t make Tiny better.”
“Well, who can?”
“Only God,” Lilly said.
Teddy shifted his questioning eyes to Lilly. “Then I’m going to ask Him.” He hesitated, stroking Blossom’s head. He gave Lilly a shy look. “Will you help me pray?”
“I’d love to.” The words caught in her throat. She often helped him say his good-night prayers, but this time felt different. She reached for his hands.
He squeezed his eyes shut.
“Dear Jesus,” she said, and he repeated her words. Silently she added a few more of her own. Help me guide this child. “I know You love me always and forever,” she prayed aloud.
“Always and forever? Even when I’m bad?” Teddy asked.
“Yes, even then, though He’s sad when we do bad things because He knows bad things aren’t good for us.”
“Okay.” Teddy bowed his head again and continued his prayer. “I know You love me. Even when I’m bad and I’ll try not to be bad too often.” Teddy’s sweet trust tightened Lilly’s throat, but she continued.
“Our friend, Tiny—” She’d almost said Teddy but had caught herself. “He has a hurt leg. Can You please help him?”
Teddy repeated the words.
“Thank You for always hearing me.”
Teddy again repeated the words. Then he added, “Good night, God.” He tilted his face up for a good-night kiss from Lilly.
She kissed his soft cheek and gave him a hug. Her heart swelled against her ribs with love for this child. She wanted to hold him tight and never let him go. But he wasn’t hers. She forced herself to release him and leave his side, and then she went to the table and sat down.
Caleb tucked him in and kissed him good-night.
He joined her at the table.
She ached to squeeze his hand or pat his back to show she understood how difficult the past few minutes had been, but she was acutely conscious of the others, so she kept her hands clutched together in her lap.
“Teddy is telling you about himself through Tiny,” Ma said. “It’s a very clever way to help him.”
Lilly pulled her emotions under control. “I just follow his lead.” She meant both Teddy’s and God’s.
Ma folded up the mending she’d been doing and put it in the basket. “It’s been a long day. I expect you’re all ready for bed.”
Lilly and Rose immediately headed for their room as Ma wakened Pa. Just before she closed the door behind them, she glanced over her shoulder. Caleb was watching her, his eyes dark with—
She ducked inside and leaned against the door.
Rose looked at her. “What’s wrong with you?”
“Apart from having a few sore muscles after digging in the garden all day?”
“You know that’s not what I mean.”
Lilly pushed away from the door and slipped out of her dress. “Right now it’s enough.” She didn’t want to think of the rush and tangle of emotions that knotted her insides.
Rose grunted. But thankfully she did not press the matter.
A few minutes later Lilly lay in the darkness. What had she thought she’d seen in Caleb’s eyes? Longing? But what could he long for that he couldn’t have?
Her heart answered that question.
He had a boy who didn’t walk and a heap of guilt over his perceived failures. No doubt he wished he could erase parts of his past.
If he could, would he wish for more than just that? A family, a home, love?
She turned on her side, facing the wall, and pressed her fist to her mouth. Those were her heart’s wishes, not his. Wishes she must keep silent. Unless, as Rose continually reminded her, she wanted to be hurt.
This time she knew her pain would reach new depths, and she hugged her arms around her, wanting to prevent it.
Knowing she couldn’t.
* * *
Throughout the next day, Caleb’s thoughts bounced back and forth as he tackled the list of chores Ebner had given him. The list grew longer every day, as if Ebner hoped to force Caleb to quit in order to spend his evenings at the Bells.
By midmorning he was chopping wood and stacking it. His mind wandered to the time he’d spent with Lilly.
He’d heard Lilly say she trusted him. He liked that.
But guilt darkened his pleasure. Would he prove himself worthy of her trust?
She’d assured him God would keep him from failing. He scrubbed at the back of his neck. God surely didn’t take responsibility from a man, leaving him free to live a lackadaisical life.
Chunks of wood flew before his ax as his thoughts continued to wander.
He’d made a promise to make sure the Caldwell cowboys didn’t bother the Bells.
The first promise he’d made since he vowed to himself that he would not give up looking for help for Teddy until his son could walk.
Would he fail to keep either of those promises?
Sweat trickled down his back and dripped from his forehead. He was chopping wood as fast as he could.
Teddy and Lilly had made up a story about a pretend dog, Tiny. Caleb had seen the similarities to Teddy’s own situation and, as they’d bent over the paper, he’d held his breath and prayed for something wonderful to happen.
But Teddy had grown weary of the story without giving any suggestion that he knew how to fix Tiny.
Caleb jerked upright, the ax hanging from his hand. Something wonderful had happened. Last night, for the first time since Amanda’s death, Teddy had not cried out in the night with a nightmare.
Caleb grinned. He hadn’t even noticed. He could hardly wait to tell Lilly. She’d be as pleased as he was.
“Grinning like a fool don’t get the work done.” Ebner crossed toward the wood stack.
“Just taking a breather.” Caleb swung the ax and split a log neatly.
Ebner moved close enough to force Caleb to stop working.
“You need something, boss?”
“Yeah. What can you tell me about the Bells? They got anything planned I should know about?”
Caleb planted one boot on the chopping block and considered the foreman. He wasn’t about to tell the man what he thought. That he had no intention of spying for him. Instead, he took his time wiping his brow and answered, “Well, now. Seems to me they did mention they meant to finish digging the turnips. You should see the crop they grew. Some of those turnips were as big as a bucket. I imagine they’ll taste real good about the middle of winter.” He managed to answer the man’s question without giving him any useful information.
Ebner made a rude noise. “Who cares about turnips?”
Caleb pretended surprise. “Why, I expect the Bells do, and likely people in town who buy vegetables from them do, too. Hear tell they give them away. Say, you ever buy stuff from them?”
“Anything I want from them, I’ll take.”
Caleb put another log in place and edged back, waiting for Ebner to move aside so he could swing the ax.