by Pat Adeff
Late at night, Doug would drive his unit past Nancy’s house and wish that he could just pull into her driveway, go inside and have a cup of coffee with her. He wanted so badly to tell her he was sorry that he was such a screw up as a dad, and that he was also sorry he’d stopped calling her. Once he realized that a week had passed and he hadn’t seen Nancy or spoken with her, he started to feel guilty, which made it harder for him to just pick up the phone and call her.
After the picture came out in the paper, Doug was sure that Nancy would think the worst and would want nothing more to do with him. She didn’t need to get involved with a cop! She had a nice life, great kids and a wonderful job. He’d just mess it up for her.
One night he actually pulled into her driveway and turned off the engine, planning to go to her and explain everything, but it was 1:00 in the morning and no lights were on. He sat there willing Nancy to turn on her bedroom light, or go into the kitchen and see him sitting out there waiting for her, and come out to him like she had before. But no lights came on, and no Nancy came to him.
Doug reluctantly started up the engine and pulled slowly down the block, missing the light that came on in Nancy’s kitchen when she looked out to see who had pulled into her driveway.
She’d been hoping it was Doug, but no one was there.
Foolish woman, Nancy chided herself and doubts crept further in. Why in the world would someone like Doug want someone like her? Nancy walked slowly back to bed feeling very tired and very old.
CHAPTER 22
“Okay, thanks guys! Great job!” Nancy stood and smiled at the drama students as they exited the theatre.
“Bye!” “Hope I get the part!” “When do we find out?” The students spoke excitedly as they left. Nancy just smiled and waved at them all. She gathered the audition sheets and the copies of the script they’d used for the try-outs. Everyone knew that she’d make the casting decisions over the upcoming four-day Thanksgiving weekend.
Auditions were always exciting and way too much work; but worth it all when it finally came to opening night. And surprise of surprises, for once she had the principal’s son in attendance. Nancy had always felt that Russell had the makings of an excellent actor; he’d just never really seemed to want to try before. Now he’d auditioned for the male lead and was actually in the running for getting the part! Nancy hoped that the other boys wouldn’t feel that she was playing favorites if she cast Russell for the role. The politics involved with casting a school play were sometimes more than she wanted to deal with.
And speaking of dealing with. What was she going to do with all her emotions regarding Doug? She hadn’t heard from him in weeks. Her kids were still trying to get her to call the station again, but she didn’t want to look like she was chasing him.
This was worse than high school! Nancy still blushed when she remembered how inane she felt when she saw Doug drive past her house last weekend. She chastised herself for still feeling hurt that he hadn’t stopped, but she couldn’t make the yearning go away. And for the life of her, she couldn’t figure out what Doug was thinking.
Well, as Kate said, “Ask him!”
Nancy wished that she could be as level headed as her older daughter seemed to be when it came to dealing with men. Kate must have gotten that analytical ability from Jonathon. It sure hadn’t come from Nancy. Nancy was more of the “tell me you love me and I’m yours forever” type of gal.
Which brought her thoughts back full circle to Doug. He’d said that he loved her. He had been tender, sweet, sexy, warm and attentive. He’d said the words and then he’d disappeared. Nancy didn’t know what to think about that. She loved him so much. She’d been walking across the stage with her papers in her arms and stopped dead in her tracks with the realization. She really loved Doug. She hadn’t actually thought that she’d ever feel this way again. She had prepared herself for being single the rest of her life. Now, this wonderful, virile man had entered her life and had made her feel young and beautiful again. And now she had a broken heart. Love hurts! Weren’t there just about a million songs about heartbreak? Of course there were, and she’d heard every single one of them over the past few weeks. It seemed like no matter which radio station she tuned in, there had been some song that exactly matched her mood. She’d given up listening to the radio, just so she could spare herself the pain. But then she went out and bought Dolly Parton’s I Will Always Love You. Sigh. What a masochist.
“Ms. Adams?”
Nancy turned to see who had called to her from the back of the auditorium. It was Principal Newman’s son. Russell walked down the audience aisle towards her as she crossed to the front of the stage to meet him.
“Hi, Russell. What can I do for you?” Nancy shifted the paper stack from one arm to the other. She really hoped he wasn’t going to ask her about who she was going to cast in the lead.
“Ms. Adams, I just wanted to let you know that I’m willing to take any part you want to give me. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want the lead, but I understand how much trouble it might cause to have the principal’s son get that part.” Russell reached up to take the papers from Nancy, as she started to sit on the apron of the stage in order to jump down into the audience section.
“Thank you, Russell. Your insight is right on the money. I was just thinking about that situation and how I should handle it.” Nancy took the papers back from him and they started to walk out into the lobby.
“Actually my mom made me come find you.” Russell smiled.
“She didn’t want you to feel any pressure from either her or me. But I do agree with her. And I would be very happy to take any role you gave me.” Russell looked and sounded very sincere, but there was an underlying feeling that Nancy wasn’t able to pin yet.
“So! Are you casting Carol for any specific part?” Russell had tried so hard to appear casual with his question that it took all Nancy’s
self-restraint not to grin at his very apparent interest in the young brunette who’d also auditioned that afternoon.
Nancy tried but couldn’t resist. “Is Carol the reason you tried out for this show, Russell? It would help me make my decision on the
casting if I knew whether you really wanted the part, or if you’d be just as happy being part of the crew.”
Russell shoved his hands into the front pockets of his jeans and looked at the floor. By now they’d reached the front doors. Nancy stopped walking and turned to look at Russell. He turned towards her but still kept his eyes on the floor with such intentness that he reminded Nancy of her girls when they had been little and searching for candy and colored eggs on Easter mornings at home.
“Russell, you know that anything you tell me stays with me.” If he only knew how much Nancy totally understood the pain that he was going through right now.
“Ms. Adams, if you cast Carol but can’t cast me in the lead, at least don’t cast Frankie opposite her. Please?” At that last word, Russell looked up from the floor and Nancy could see just how strongly he felt about what he’d just said. Nancy thought you couldn’t pay her enough money to be seventeen again. Emotions ran way too strong, and feelings were felt way too deeply.
Yeah, like she wasn’t in a similar boat right now herself.
“Russell. I understand completely, and I promise that I won’t cast Frankie opposite Carol. But you do remember that acting is just that – acting. It’s called acting because the actors pretend their emotions on stage.” Nancy had never taught Method Acting because she’d always felt that anyone could make themselves look sad by thinking about something awful in their past. But it took real acting to make the audience think you were sad on stage, when really you were having the time of your life! She’d followed the lives of too many actors who’d studied Method Acting and had watched their personal lives disintegrate, while truthfully their craft hadn’t improved that much.
Russell blew out a breath and grinned. “Thanks, Ms. A. You’re the best!” With that he bounded out into the sunshine.
Nancy laughed to herself. He reminded her of a Labrador puppy. All feet and ears and endless enthusiasm.
She wished her life could be handled so simply. Nancy could just picture herself walking up to Bradley Harris and saying “Bradley, please don’t have Doug and Sue sit together at the courthouse.” Nancy smiled and pushed open the door to the outside just as her cell phone rang.
She fumbled with the paper stack and finally pushed the talk button by the fifth ring.
“This is Nancy.”
“Mom?” It was Kate, once again sounded distraught. Her voice tone set Nancy’s nerves on alert, since she knew just how much it took to rattle Kate.
“Honey? What’s up?” Nancy held her breath.
“Oh, Mom!” Kate wailed. “I feel so stupid! I let Robert drive when I borrowed your car this afternoon and now we were in a fender bender! I’m so sorry! It was stupid of me! I feel so bad!”
Nancy breathed a sigh of relief. “Honey? Is anyone hurt? I don’t care about the car, just you.” Robert was the newest boyfriend.
Kate expelled a shaky laugh. “Mom, I told Robert you’d say that, but he wouldn’t believe me. We’re fine. No one’s hurt. Your front right fender is dented and the other lady’s front bumper is messed up pretty good. Robert miscalculated and turned in front of her car when he should have waited. We’re waiting for the police so we can get the report for the insurance company.”
“Where are you, Honey? I’ll meet you there.” Nancy had reached her classroom by this time and thankfully dropped the papers out of her arms onto the desk. She reached for her purse and headed out the door.
Nancy got directions from Kate and fortuitously ran into Tess who was able to drop her at the accident site on her way home from work.
When they pulled up at the curb Nancy’s heart stopped beating and her breath caught in her throat. Of all the officers in the world and all the accidents. There but Doug, looking absolutely great!
Tess gave Nancy’s left arm a pat and wished her good luck. Tess had watched the roller coaster ride that Nancy had been on recently and sincerely hoped that this opportunity for Nancy to speak with Doug would help.
Nancy walked over to where Doug was standing with his back to her while writing on a clipboard and listening to Kate and Robert.
“Mom!” Kate moved swiftly past Doug into Nancy’s arms for a quick hug. “I am so sorry for the damage to your car and Robert and I will pay for fixing it!”
“Hon, I’m just glad you’re alright.” Nancy had to fight back tears because of the reminder of the motorcycle accident Christy and Jackson had been in months ago. She wiped her eyes and looked up to see Doug standing three feet in front of her.
The remainder of the world stopped while their eyes locked and they both held their breaths. Nancy’s emotions were running riot inside of her. She couldn’t tell what Doug was thinking and truly wished he’d say something.
Doug felt his insides twist up with the longing to take Nancy in his arms and just hold her. But he no longer felt that he had that right. God! He’d missed her so much. He was lost in her eyes.
When Doug didn’t say anything, Nancy grimaced and decided that he must not feel the same way she did, so she said the first thing that came to her mind so he wouldn’t feel pity for her.
“Thank you for being here, Officer Saunders. I’m glad you’re the one to help Kate.” Nancy congratulated herself on sounding friendly, but not anything more than that.
She was going to get through this conversation if it killed her. And truth be told, it felt like a knife was stabbing her in the heart. She missed him so much her heart hurt.
Doug exhaled and tried to hide his feeling of rejection. He’d hoped that Nancy still felt for him the way he felt for her. But it was obvious from her demeanor that what they’d shared hadn’t meant as much to her as it had to him. Boy, had his misread it, or what?
“Doug. You can call me Doug, Nancy.” He tried to sound normal.
Nancy saw him put on his “cop face” and wished with all her heart that she had the courage to say, Doug, don’t close me out. I love you. I miss you. I don’t care what you feel for me, but I want you to know just how much you mean to me. My life has been awful these past few weeks without you. Please, let’s try again.
Instead, she said “Okay. Doug. Is there anything else you need from us?”
His gut twisted inside. “No, Nancy. I’ve got everything I need for the report. I can drop it by tomorrow if you want.”
Please say that you want me to, Nancy. Please show me that I mean something to you.
Oh, God. He looked so incredibly good standing there! If she didn’t get out of his vicinity soon, she’d make a fool of herself.
“You don’t have to go to all that trouble, Doug. You can just mail it.”
His jaw clenched with anger and hurt.
“Fine. That’s what I’ll do.”
Her eyes narrowed with pain. “Fine.”
And with that, Nancy walked over to her car and slipped into the driver’s seat. Kate sat in front and Robert quietly took the backseat.
As Nancy drove away she glanced in the rear view mirror and saw Doug standing there watching as her car pulled away. His feet were set wide and his hands were on his hips. He looked like some warrior facing the enemy. Nancy felt her heart crack in two.
Doug watched as Nancy pulled away. It was obvious from her last statement that she sure didn’t want him coming to her house. Doug wasn’t aware of how long he stood there, but it was way past the time her car had disappeared from sight.
Out of sight, out of mind? No way. Doug’s thoughts churned as he got back into his unit and radioed in to dispatch. It was going to be a very long time before he would be able to erase Nancy from his thoughts. Her soft skin, her green eyes, the way she looked after he’d kissed her that time, with her hair is disarray and her lips open in wonder.
She’d made him feel so needed and wanted. She’d made him feel like the world’s greatest, most handsome guy. Like some sort of hero.
And now he felt like the world’s biggest fool. He slammed his car into drive and then stopped and pulled his emotions together. That’s all he needed right now; to do something stupid while on duty.
By the time Nancy parked in her driveway, she’d pulled herself together enough to hopefully not show any emotion to Kate. They’d dropped Robert at his house and Nancy had accepted all fifteen of Robert’s apologies and promises to pay for the car damage. Nancy had assured him that she was just glad that they hadn’t been hurt. And she meant it. It was just a car.
They walked in through the front door, and Nancy put her purse on the front table.
“Honey, I think I’m going to take a nap. Are you sure you’re not hurt?” Nancy smiled at Kate.
Kate folder her arms and just looked at Nancy.
“What?!” Nancy sounded to her own ears like one of her students after she’d caught them doing something they weren’t supposed to be doing.
“Mom, how long are you going to keep this up?” Kate sounded ticked off at her!
“Keep what up?” Nancy couldn’t believe just how lame she sounded.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about.” Kate pinned Nancy with a look.
Nancy felt defensive and hurt. Why should Kate be mad at HER? She wasn’t the one who’d disappear from this relationship with Doug – if that’s what you could call it. He’d made it pretty clear that he was no longer interested in her.
And it hurt like hell.
“I’m tired. We’ll talk later.” With that, Nancy walked to her room and shut the door.
She didn’t even kick off her shoes. She just fell down on the bed and curled into a ball. Slowly the tears started to run down her face onto the pillow. It was a silent cry. No sobs. No keening. Just tears that kept running.
At some point Nancy fell asleep and didn’t wake up until she smelled something cooking. As she slowly sat up and mopped her face, she realized that she was really hungry! Why di
dn’t grief make her appetite disappear? Then at least she’d have the solace of being thin while single. Oh, well.
Nancy splashed cold water on her eyes hoping to lessen their puffiness and finally ended up resorting to an old trick she’d learned decades ago from an actress she had trained with. She pulled out a witch hazel pad and dabbed it below and over her eyes. After about 3 minutes she could see a difference and felt a little better. She ran a brush through her hair and gave herself a quick inspection in the mirror. Okay, she didn’t look too bad.
Nancy looked like hammered beefsteak, Kate thought when Nancy came into the kitchen. Christy and Jackson had just finished setting the table and had already been given the full rundown from Kate, so they knew to be quiet about how Nancy looked or acted.
“Perfect timing! Dinner’s ready!” Kate sounded and looked normal, as did Christy and Jackson. Oh good, Nancy thought. I don’t look as devastated as I feel!
It took all the acting powers that Kate, Christy and Jackson had to just get through the dinner. They’d never seen Nancy look so bad before. It was as though someone had taken away all her perpetual optimism and left her just an empty shell.
At the end of dinner, Nancy started to grab the empty plates, but Christy took them instead.
“It’s okay, Mom. It’s Jackson and my turn to do the dishes. Kate cooked tonight.” Christy nudged Jackson in the shoulder when he didn’t stand right away and they both grabbed plates, glasses and silverware and carried them to the sink.
Nancy just sat there wondering what she was supposed to do now. She didn’t want to watch a movie. She didn’t want to read. It was only 7:00 pm and she wasn’t tired after the nap. She’d already bought everything she needed for Thanksgiving dinner.
As though reading her mind, Kate asked “Hey, Mom? Do you want to go shopping with me? I need to buy some Christmas presents and I don’t want to wait until the last minute.”