Child's Play: A Spaceman's Story

by Guerin Zand

  “You look really stupid Guerin. I wouldn’t be surprised if you start to draw a crowd.”

  Well I was spinning around out there for a while and again my little monkey brain figured it out. I just had to calm down and control my movements. I could offset the spin using the correct motions with my arms and legs. It was like trying to balance yourself on a tightrope but my skydiving background helped. It isn’t as simple as it looks to stand straight up when skydiving, and neither was this.

  It took a few minutes but finally I had myself standing, well my head was where I thought up was, and stable. Although I was in zero-g, I wasn’t in the vacuum of space. There was a full atmosphere which meant I could sort of swim to create motion in whatever direction I wanted. It was slow going, I mean trying to swim in air, but finally I was bobbing up and down like I was treading water. I just smiled at Milly.

  “Did you think your monkey wouldn’t be able to figure this out Milly?”

  That drew a little pout from this sweet girl. I gave her my best evil smile.

  I tried to get back on the walkway but she kept pushing me away. It reminded me of when I was a kid playing at the pool. I was enjoying it but you know the man in me said I could not let this aggression stand.

  I finally grabbed Milly and yanked myself back onto the walkway. At the same time, I flung Milly out over the edge but I didn’t let go.

  “Apologize Milly.” I declared in triumph.

  “NO!”

  “Apologize or I’ll give you a good toss. Then will see who looks stupid.”

  “Ok, I apologize. Now pull me back in!”

  I did hesitate a bit. I had to give her a look to let her know who was in charge now. Ok, I was enjoying this. A lot!

  I gave her arm a good jerk and she landed in my arms. I pinned her arms behind her back and threw her back to the wall in my best cave man move. I kissed her like that little space freak hadn’t obviously been kissed in a long time. I had her right where I wanted her and she was not resisting. In fact, she was ready to submit.

  I finished the kiss, looked deep into her eyes and simply said. “Don’t fuck with this monkey little girl.”

  And I released her and walked away towards my room.

  “ASSHOLE!”

  I continued to walk away with my back to her not even bothering to turn around.

  “You’re a real dick Guerin Zand!”

  “I hear that a lot lately Milly. Have a good night.”

  “UGGGGHGHHGHGHG!”

  I made it back to my room and when I walked in, my new clothes were already there. I don’t know about this place sometimes but they sure take care of the simple things with style. It was all nicely wrapped in the Tommy Bahama’s store packaging. At first, I thought they really are into detail, but then I wondered if they may have just sent someone to a store on Earth for me. Their mode of travel is, for all intents and purposes, instantaneous so it wouldn’t be that hard.

  I settled back with an iced tea from my beverage station and started to do a little web surfing on my viewer. I figured it was time I tried to enlighten myself as to what was going on by using the resources available. I wondered if maybe they had set the parental locks on my viewer after the mishap on the Minnow. I guessed I would find out.

  Now as I explained earlier there is no Google search but instead you just started thinking about the information you were looking for. The problem I had was the same problem I had when I first used the food replicator. There were a lot of thoughts in my head and I had to find some place to start. How do you search for information on a subject when you don’t know what the subject is? Space shit is real confusing as I have said before. I would just have to wing it.

  Chapter 10

  Intergalactic 90210

  I had been at the viewer for at least a couple hours and I was actually making progress. I had found references to Milly and it was starting to point me to her background and hopefully whatever this project I was involved in. Then there was a knock at the door.

  “Come in.” At this point I was pretty sure the door wasn’t waiting for me to ok the entrance of whoever was there. I think anybody could open the door especially since my clothes had been delivered in the room and not left at the door. Maybe only the staff had this level access, but I didn’t think so.

  As you may have guessed I had been enjoying a real nice evening. I was happy and my mind kept drifting back to the fun I had playing with Milly on the walkway. Of course, when Julie entered, my mood changed to one of dread. Yes, it was buzz kill Julie, a.k.a. Space Bitch, who’d come to visit.

  “Are you a total asshole Guerin?”

  “Nice to see you to Julie.” I noticed she had a half-finished bottle of Pappy’s in her hand so I thought maybe this is the alien version of drunk dialing?

  “You got a glass asshole.”

  I didn’t even respond and got up and walked to the little kitchen area and grabbed a couple of glasses. I know she only asked for one but if I was going to have to deal with her shit she was going to have to share.

  She took a seat, poured a couple of rather large drinks and what I saw surprised me.

  “Julie, are you drunk?”

  “What if I am!” and she tossed back the entire contents of the glass she had. I sipped mine. A drunk Julie, I thought, was a scary thing. Best keep my wits about me.

  “Nothing Julie. Nothing. So, would you like to tell me what this little visit is all about?”

  “It’s about you being such a fucking asshole!”

  She was slurring her words. This little shit bird was tits to the wind. I probably should have cut her off but I thought this would probably be my best opportunity to get one over on Julie. Maybe I could find a sharpie and get some naked pictures of her with little messages written on various body parts saying a few rather impolite things. I know that’s not a very gentlemanly type thing to do but you don’t know Julie.

  “Ok Julie. I’ll bite. How is this different than the fucking asshole I was a few hours ago?”

  “You broke her fucking heart you fucking asshole!” Definitely a foul-mouthed mean bitch type drunk.

  “I didn’t break anyone’s heart Julie. Milly and I had a great night. We flirted a bit and played around. The worse I did was leave her a little frustrated.”

  “She threw herself at you and you just walked away. What kind of fucking asshole loser does that. She’s crying her eyes out because of you!”

  With that she polished off another glass of the precious bourbon like it was some bum wine swill. I grabbed her glass and the bottle and removed them to the kitchen. This flagrant abuse of Pappy’s finest I could not abide.

  “Your shit faced Julie, and that’s enough for you. I haven’t had a girl puke on me since high school and it’s not something I enjoyed.”

  “She didn’t throw herself at me by the way. Getting naked and grabbing my package would be my definition of a girl throwing herself at me. Something I think you’re likely to do in your current state. She asked me in for drinks and I declined.”

  “And I didn’t do anything to make her cry. Was she crying when you first saw her Julie?”

  “No.”

  “Was she happy?”

  “Yes.”

  “Was she crying when you left?”

  “Yes.”

  “Ok Julie since you are so much smarter than me what do you think that means?”

  “Are you trying to say I made her cry asshole?”

  “Yes Julie. That’s what I am trying to say. Sort of makes sense, huh?”

  “That’s bullshit. I would never do that to my best friend.”

  “Sure Julie. Look I think you should leave. You’re drunk and you need to sleep it off.”

  “I’m not going anywhere asshole. Give me back that bottle and go apologize to Milly.”

  “What am I going to apologize to her for? I wasn’t the one who made her cry. Maybe you should go apologize.”

  “Listen asshole I am not going anywhere until you g
o apologize to Milly. I’ll stay here all night if I have to.”

  “Good. Maybe I’ll get that blowjob I asked for earlier!”

  Julie grabbed my drink, slammed the contents down and threw the empty glass at me. At least she didn’t waste the whiskey. Lucky for me she was drunk and it only grazed me on its way to smashing against the wall. Room service was going to want an extra big tip to clean this mess.

  I grabbed the bottle and left. I figured I would go see Milly and she would be able to help me with my Julie problem.

  I knocked on Milly’s door but no answer. I knocked again but still nothing. I tried to open the door with my palm but no luck.

  “Milly. It’s Guerin. Will you let me in. Please. I need your help.”

  No answer. Why does this seem familiar?? You travel I don’t know how many light years from Earth and it’s the same shit you left behind.

  “Milly please? I need your help. Julie is in my room totally shit faced. She’s being exceptionally foul, even by Julie standards, and I can’t go back there. If you won’t open the door I am just going to lay down and sleep right here outside your door.”

  The door finally opened and I stepped in. Milly was scantily dressed in what looked like a large wife beater that I guessed was a night dress. She looked really hot in whatever it was. I could see she had been crying. She was doing her best to cover it up, but I could tell. I used my hand to brush back her hair. She was a bit of a mess, but still a cute mess. I pulled her close to me, hugged her firmly and gave her a small kiss.

  “Milly what’s going on. Why is Julie in my room drunk and why were you crying? With all that’s going on, the two of you acting like a couple of high school girls isn’t helping. Are you drunk too?”

  “A little bit.”

  “Did I do something to make you cry? I had a great night with you and I thought you did to. Please tell me if I did something wrong. You know us men are sometimes not that bright about things like this. Can you please help me out?”

  “It’s nothing you did. I had fun tonight. It’s Julie.”

  “What did she do?”

  “She told you about me.”

  “What are you talking about.”

  “She told you about my visits to Earth. Visiting you.”

  “Oh, that. Really Milly, other than adding to my confusion, I was a bit flattered by it. It doesn’t make any difference to me. I wished you would have told me about it yourself. I was dropping little hints tonight you know? Talking about skydiving and how I didn’t always make passes at you.”

  “That’s why you didn’t want to come in for a drink tonight isn’t it. She told you to back off. I know because she told me she did.”

  I walked Milly over to the bed and we both sat back on the bed with Milly cradled in my arms.

  “Ok Milly, if you ever repeat this I will deny I ever said it, but Julie actually made sense. I mean this project seems important to you and maybe she had a point. Maybe I should back off a bit and let you do your job. I didn’t do it because Julie told me to. I mean Christ, if I did what Julie told me to do I’d probably be totally fucked now.”

  That got a little laugh from Milly and I was getting somewhere. I had the case of this bomb cracked open. It still could blow so I had to tread softly and find the right wire to cut.

  “Milly, I did it for you. Sure, Julie may have given me the idea but I know this project is important to you, whatever it is. I like you Milly. I like you a lot. I hope you know that and I want what’s best for you. I’m just trying to do my monkey best to help you out.”

  Milly hugged me harder and gave me a sweet kiss.

  “Besides, if I knew you were so desperate to get laid I would have come in and taken care of it. I mean desperate women are sort of my specialty.”

  “You know Guerin, you really are an asshole.” She said with a smile.

  “I know Milly. It’s part of my charm.” I smiled and kissed her softly.

  She held me close and we talked about nothing in particular. Finally, she fell asleep in my arms. I wasn’t going to get any sleep.

  I tucked Milly in for the night and decided to use the time to continue surfing the intergalactic web in search of clues as to what was really going on here. Hopefully the viewer in Milly’s room didn’t have monkey locks and I could dig even deeper.

  I did seem to have more luck and a lot of additional information came to light. After a few hours of surfing I kicked off my boots and joined Milly in bed. I know what you’re thinking, but she was pretty much passed out from the booze so I behaved.

  Chapter 11

  Real Live Aliens! Oh My!

  I woke up and found Julie staring at me. Milly was still asleep next to me.

  “Christ!” I screamed out. Waking up with Julie looking over me meant she could have been doing anything to me while I was asleep. This scared me.

  “What the fuck Julie. You couldn’t knock?”

  Milly woke and asked, “What is it Guerin?”

  “It’s Julie. I woke up to find her staring at me. A little creepy first thing in the morning.”

  “Relax monkey boy. Since you still have your pants on I have to assume you failed to score again? Why am I not surprised?”

  “Give it a rest Julie. Milly was a bit drunk last night, not shitfaced like you. We just talked, she fell asleep and I tucked her in. It’s called being nice. I don’t know why I’m even trying to explain myself to you.”

  “Both of you stop. Is it really that hard for the two of you to actually be nice to each other?”

  “YES!” Both Julie and I declared.

  “Well try.”

  “Julie is here to take you around today since I have work issues to take care of. She’ll take you to breakfast and then I’ve arranged a little surprise for you. After that you will have lunch with an ambassador from the Cyletherean race. His name is Sly. I think you’ll have fun.”

  “Don’t look at me monkey boy. It’s not like I want to be your baby sitter today but Milly asked me to.”

  “July, I didn’t ask you to baby sit Guerin. I wish you would stop trying to make trouble. I asked you to be his guide. Is it so hard to talk to him without insulting him?”

  “YES!” Again, we both replied to Milly in unison.

  “Why am I meeting with this Sly fellow today? Shouldn’t you have told me about this before now? It would be nice to be slightly prepared to meet an ambassador of a race I know nothing about Milly.”

  “Don’t worry. If you were prepared your responses might look rehearsed and he needs to get to know you. It’s not a big deal. Just be yourself.”

  “Oh, that should work!”

  “JULIE!”

  “Sorry Milly.”

  “But Milly, what if I insult him by doing something wrong? I don’t know what would be wrong so you can see how that could happen.”

  “Just follow his and Julie’s lead. Do what they do and you should be fine.”

  “Ok. If you say so. You’re the expert I guess. I’m going back to my room now that it’s safe and I’ll take a shower and get dressed. I’ll be back here to meet Julie in about half an hour.”

  Julie looked like she wanted to say something mean but Milly cut her off with a dirty look. I was able to leave without further insult.

  When I got back to my room I was surprised to see the broken glass and other Julie damage had been taken care of. I wondered if they had some fancy Roombas hiding away just waiting to clean up messes?

  I took a quick shower and got dressed in one of my new Tommy Bahama outfits. Sort of a denim type pants with a bright orange silk button down shirt. They make some really comfortable clothes. I slipped on the new sandals and headed out.

  I did notice the sandals were also very comfortable for a new pair. Like they were already broke in. I had to give the aliens credit. Sometimes they did get the small stuff right.

  I reached Milly’s room and knocked. The door opened and there stood Julie with a smile on her face. I can’t say why but
that scared me.

  “Let’s go Guerin. Milly will meet up with us later this afternoon. Until then you’re mine. I promised Milly I’d be nice so don’t provoke me. If you do I’ll tell Milly.”

  “Seriously. You’re going to tell on me if I’m a bad boy?”

  Julie refrained from replying to this taunt and we boarded a magic pad waiting for us.

  We headed down to ground level, if that is what you call it. I guess since I’m in charge of making up the names this would do. We walked out into the green area and there were several food vendors available. Once again, I wondered about how you pay for things but since I was with Julie I just kept my mouth shut.

  “What would you like to eat Guerin?”

  “I’m not sure Julie. Since I don’t know what any of the foods available are it’s kind of hard to make a choice. Is there anything like a Cinnabon?”

  “Actually, there is. I mean sort of. It’s called a spiced bun. It’s more like Chinese steamed bun with a spice vegetable spread rolled into the dough. Come with me and will get a couple. I actually like them too.”

  Julie was being nice. Again, the DWR signal went off in my brain. She probably planned on poisoning me, but I thought no. That might make Milly mad so I just tagged along till we got to a counter with all these freshly cooked buns. It smelled great.

  We grabbed a couple of buns and I used a beverage station to conjure up a nice cup of Joe. As we started to walk out to the table area I spotted Sammy and the rest of the Minnow’s crew.

  “Hey there’s Sammy. Let’s go join them.” I figured she wouldn’t try and kill me in front of witnesses so I headed toward their table.

  “Good morning Sammy. Do you mind if we join you?”

  “Sure Guerin. Have a seat. God morning Julie.”

  “Hi Sammy.”

  “Let’s see if I can remember all your names. Cindy?”

  “Right”

  “Jackie?”

  “That’s me.”

  “Tommy and Ricky the IT guy. Right?”

  “Correct.”

  “Good morning guys. Nice to see y’all again.”