Child's Play: A Spaceman's Story

by Guerin Zand

  Now this may not sound that different in theory but it is a whole ‘nother thing in practice. In Taiwan, the traffic wouldn’t stop for you unless you just walked out in front of them. The first few times you’d have to ignore your basic instinct for self-preservation and just put your ass out there. After a while I got used to this and didn’t think much of it.

  When I returned to the states I stopped to visit my brother in Portland. One afternoon we were crossing a slightly busy country highway to get to a restaurant and I just walked out in traffic. Of course, the motorists freaked out, horns were honking and my brother just looked at me like I was crazy. I turned to him and said “What?”

  “You just walked out in the middle of traffic, are you nuts?”

  “Don’t worry they won’t kill you. It’s against the rules.” I replied.

  My brother just shook his head.

  Now the reason this story pops into my head is that I can see myself in jail when I get back to Earth for trying to pull off a dine and dash. I needed to remember that this was only cool in outer space.

  So anyways, Milly and I left the restaurant to board our waiting magic pad. I decided I wanted to drive, yes, I had been drinking but I figured these guys were smart enough to compensate for that and I grabbed the control pad. Well it really isn’t that difficult to fly one of these it turns out. Just think where you want to go and off we went back down to the main transport area. From there I led Milly to the elevator and pressed palm on the control panel for the trip to the other side.

  “Well look at you Guerin. It looks like you’re getting the hang of things. You handled the pad just fine and actually found the elevator without any problems.”

  “Let’s just hope I got the elevator set right or who knows what will happen.”

  We both laughed. We once again did that strange gravity flip, which I acted like was no big deal this time, and finally the door opened for us, I assumed on the other side, or the correct side or? I guess I’ll have to come up with a more descriptive term for the different sides at some point.

  I continued to lead Milly through the city to the transportation hub and found us a magic pad which I expertly piloted to my room. I think Milly was impressed, I know I was. We left the pad and I led her to my room.

  “Well Guerin I guess you’re getting more comfortable in your new environment. You found your own way back with no help. What surprise do you have for me next I wonder? Perhaps you’ll learn to tell time?”

  “Your right Milly. I do feel more comfortable now, in your little ‘La La’ land, and I plan on getting even more comfortable. As for what surprise I have for you next, well that depends on you.”

  I leaned up against her and kissed her gently while at the same time I placed my palm on the door control, opening the door to my room. Yes, I was multitasking, and also glad I was actually at the right room. My plan would have fallen to complete shit if the door hadn’t opened.

  “Now woman, you can come in for a drink or run off to your room and drink your tears away like last night. The choice is yours. Don’t make me ask twice.”

  “What happens if I make you ask twice?” She asked.

  I just kissed her again with a bit more passion and asked, “Do you really want to fuck with this monkey again?”

  Milly smiled, a very naughty smile, and slowly entered the room as I led her in by the hand. At that moment, I wondered if there was some sort of Do Not Disturb mechanism available on this door as it closed. Since it wasn’t obvious I just moved on. I mean this was not the time to get all technical if you know what I mean.

  “So, what’s next Guerin?”

  Ok. Milly was not going to make this easy but I had a plan and maybe for once this hot space babe was going to fall into my trap for a change.

  “Go pour us a couple of drinks and meet me in the bedroom.”

  Milly was following my instructions and I headed back to the bedroom and took a seat on the edge of the bed. She walked up to me and offered me my drink which I slipped slowly.

  “Anything else Guerin?”

  “Undress slowly, so I can enjoy the view while I enjoy my drink.”

  Milly took a drink and handed me her glass which I placed on the table next to the bed. Milly began to slowly undress, as requested, and I began to choke on my drink. I tried not to look to frazzled but I am sure she noticed based on the bad, bad, bad, smile she gave me.

  This is really where the whole plan fell to shit. As you may have assumed, the plan was to come across as one cool and in charge dude and up to this point it was all going according to plan.

  Seeing Milly’s naked body in all her glory really made me rethink everything. This space babe was hot, I mean scorching hot, super nova hot! What was I thinking. I didn’t stand a chance against her. Yes, she was hot and I was going to get burned. There may be a visit to a hospital in my near future but all thoughts of self-preservation were absent. I was only thinking about one thing at this point.

  “So, what’s next Guerin?”

  At this point, I have to admit, I probably lost it. That last question just set my little monkey brain ablaze. I saw the entire Kama Sutra flash through my mind, you know, like one’s entire life supposedly flashes through their mind right before they die, but better! Somehow, I found the courage to stand up, pull Milly in close and tight, and began to kiss her passionately.

  I stopped for a second and said, “You can stop talking now, that’s what’s next.”

  “But shouldn’t you get undressed too?” She asked as she began to unbutton my shirt. I couldn’t tell her that regardless, clothes on or off, the outcome of this encounter was inevitable.

  She was obviously a bit frazzled herself because she gave up on the buttons and simply tore my shirt off.

  Now for the one woman still reading this, it may seem so romantic but she had just ruined one of my favorite shirts. I figured I would let it slide, this one time. She also ignored the “No Talking” directive in case anyone didn’t notice.

  “The things a man has to do for God and country.”

  “I’ll try not to hurt you too much.”

  As we continued our little exploration of each other’s bodies I may have been mumbling a bit.

  “What are you saying Guerin?”

  “It’s nothing Milly.”

  “Come on tell me. I want to know what you’re thinking.”

  “Ok, but you won’t understand. I’m going through the proof of the fundamental theorem of Calculus in my head.”

  “You’re what?”

  “I said you wouldn’t understand. Some guys go through sports statistics or think of baby seals getting their little heads bashed in. I do Calculus proofs in my head. I started that in college and it seems to work for me.”

  From the way things were going I was probably going to have to go through all three semesters of basic Calculus and even most of the advanced Calculus proofs I knew if I was going to have any chance of lasting more than a few seconds with this woman.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about Guerin.”

  “Trust me on this Milly. It’s normal part of the human mating rituals and you really should stop talking now.”

  The rest of the night was a blissful blur. I won’t describe the erotic details of the night, that’s the sort of thing I’d leave to the space alien pervs who were probably going to be watching this performance, or people just trying to up their book sales. After all I’m a gentleman. I will say, for those keeping score, it was now Earth monkey one run scored!

  I should compute the exact Earth date and time when this historic event occurred before I submit a formal request for recognition to Ripley’s. I should also petition Congress, when I get back, for a national “Nail a Space Babe” day in honor of this special occasion. Since Congress is mostly men it should pass without much of an issue. And in case you’re wondering, I made it most of the way through the third semester of Calculus proofs that night which, in case you don’t know, took a good am
ount of time.

  We both fell asleep in each other’s arms and I would guess the smile was plastered on my face even while I slept.

  Nothing could ruin this for me I thought as I opened my eyes in the morning. Just thinking that was probably a mistake as I have seen so many other times in this little adventure.

  Chapter 14

  The Next Day

  I slowly got out of bed making sure not to wake Milly. The mere sight of her there in my bed was still wreaking all sorts of havoc with my thought process and I decided to go take a shower and let her sleep. She probably couldn’t take much more I thought, right?

  I came out of the shower and headed back to the bedroom, naked and running the towel through my hair. As I looked for Milly I saw Julie sitting on the edge of the bed. Remember what I said about thinking nothing could ruin this?

  “Seriously Milly that is what has you so excited? I’m sure there are better specimens out there if Earth monkeys are your thing.”

  “Good morning to you too, Julie.” I wasn’t going to let her ruin this I promised myself. I reached into one of the drawers and grabbed a set of boxers and slipped them on. For reference, the reader should know that the tone I used when saying Julie was the same tone used by the Seinfeld crew when greeting Newman.

  “Oh, there’s no need to get dressed on my account Guerin. It’s really not a ‘big’ deal to me.” Yes, I caught the little “big” jab but Julie was going to have to try harder to ruin this morning.

  “I promised Milly I would stop getting you all excited. We all know about your fascination with my penis, don’t we?”

  “Ok you two. That’s enough.”

  “But Milly I want to hear all about it. Did he drive you crazy with passion or was it the biggest disappointment of your entire life, which is probably more likely. I’m surprised he was even up to the task. Nothing happened, did it? He probably just passed out from all the booze.”

  “Stop it Julie. Don’t ruin this for us.”

  “Me ruin it. If anyone did any ruining it was Guerin. How are you going to be able to live with yourself Milly after allowing that monkey to degrade you so?”

  “Ok Julie, that was fun and all, but is there an actual reason for you being here?” I asked.

  “Milly asked me to grab you two some breakfast so I was invited monkey boy.”

  “Really Milly? Are you a little worn out and decided to call in reinforcements? I thought we had a deal about the whole debauchery thing.”

  “Ha, ha little man. Milly said you had something you needed to ask me.”

  “You want me to do that now Milly?”

  “Well she is here Guerin.” Milly, I thought, was enjoying this. She either had a wicked sense of humor or she was truly evil.

  “As you know Julie, um, I have to attend this big dinner tonight and since Milly is not available I was wondering, I mean if you don’t have any other plans, if you would like to be my date tonight?”

  “You had to blow him didn’t you Milly? I am so sorry you had to do that.”

  “JULIE! He’s trying to be nice and you might want to try to do the same.”

  “Ok, I’m sorry Milly. I would love to be your date tonight Guerin, gag, gag. Thank you so much for asking.”

  “Well good, that’s settled. Give me a call when it’s time to get ready because you know I’m too stupid to tell time on my own. When you’re ready give me a holler and I’ll come get you just like a real gentleman would.”

  “Oh Milly. I see how you couldn’t resist his charms now. You think he’ll grace me with the same pleasures at the end of the night that he offered you?” Yes, she was being totally sarcastic but I had to ignore her. I wasn’t done with Milly yet, and I didn’t want a fight between me and Julie to ruin this morning.

  “Julie just drop it. He’s being nice and I’m sure it’s not easy for him with your bullshit. Just be nice to him. Please?”

  “Anything for my best friend Milly, even though I know it’s a mistake.”

  “So, Julie are you going to join us for breakfast?” I asked.

  Julie started to say something but was immediately interrupted by Milly.

  “NO! Julie has things to do today. She has to go pick out a dress for tonight and other stuff, right Julie?”

  “Oh yeah. That’s right. I guess I’ll see you later Guerin. You might want to rest up a bit. I’m expecting big things from you tonight based on the look on Milly’s face.”

  And Julie finally left.

  “I’m sorry Guerin.”

  “What did I tell you about apologizing Milly. I think, in this case, you’re going to have to show me just how sorry you really are. Maybe after breakfast? And by the way that little favor you owe me is turning into a much bigger favor as the day goes on.”

  Milly slipped on my favorite shirt she had ruined last night. You know, the one with the buttons missing. It actually looked really good on her. She headed off to the bathroom and jumped in the shower.

  Now I just had finished with my shower but I thought by the look in Milly’s eyes that she might need some help so I went to join her. Breakfast could wait!

  We finished our shower and I slipped my boxers back on and Milly donned my tattered shirt. I don’t think either one of us saw any point in getting any more dressed than that. We went out to the main room and I got a cup of coffee for me and a tea for Milly. We sat and ate the spiced rolls Julie had brought us for breakfast. Well we mostly ate them, although we did find some other fun things to do with them as well. Needless to say, we both got a little sticky and we worked hard at getting each other unstickied, if that is even a word. I guess it is now. I probably should thank Julie for bringing us breakfast since that meant we didn’t have any reason to leave my room.

  As we laid in bed, just enjoying the day together in each other’s arms, I started to think. How should the scoring system actually work? Did this all count as one major score or multiple scores? Should I also add statistics like the number of orgasms achieved by each player? I know what you’re thinking. How do you know her orgasms were real? She could have faked at least a few, right? Well my thought on that was simple. It pretty much takes the same amount of effort, on the woman’s part, to fake an orgasm as it takes to actually have one, if not more, so they all count. Real or faked!

  “What are you thinking about Guerin?”

  “Oh nothing. Just enjoying this time with you. No reason to think about anything else.” Of course I lied. If I told her the truth things might get ugly.

  “I probably should order up some clothes for tonight’s dinner. At least some socks and shoes. I don’t think sandals would be proper for this occasion. Obviously, I’m not going to wear a tie. I need to set a standard I can live with and ties are definitely forbidden in this reality.”

  “You can do that later Guerin.”

  “I thought you said it takes a while to get clothes made up when I asked about it last time?”

  “I lied. Sue me.”

  “I think a small punishment might be in order Milly.”

  “I was hoping you’d get to that.”

  Ok, this was going on a little longer than I had thought it would. Not that I was complaining. Instead of Calculus proofs, this time I tried to calculate how much time I would need before the dinner to get clothes, dressed and pick up Julie and not be more than fashionably late to dinner.

  Chapter 15

  The Big Dinner (Drinks)

  “Guerin?” I heard my name and it sounded like Milly but she was not to be found.

  “Guerin? Are you awake yet?”

  “Milly? Where are you?”

  “I’m with Sly and some others getting ready for the dinner. Are you still in bed?”

  “Yes. Why didn’t you wake me before you left?”

  “You were tired and you looked so happy I didn’t want to disturb you. I hope I haven’t permanently damaged you?”

  “Very funny Milly. You remembered to leave the money on the table before you left I ho
pe?”

  “Now who’s trying to be funny Guerin? I did leave you some new clothes though. I ordered for you and left them on the table in the main room. Does that count?”

  Anyone else see the warning signs here when the woman starts to pick out what clothes you should wear?

  “I guess it will have to do. What did you get me? It better not be a onesie.”

  “Don’t worry, I think I know what you like. You should probably get up now. Go take a shower and get dressed. Julie should be calling you in a little bit. I can’t believe you slept in this late. I’ll try to go easier on you next time.”

  “Don’t worry about me. I’ll see you later at dinner.”

  “I’m looking forward to it too. Remember you promised to be nice to Julie so no trouble, you hear?”

  “Sure Milly. Now quit your nagging and get back to work. Bye.”

  I finished my shower and opened the package with my new clothes. Now, as I stated before, Milly has a sick sense of humor I guess. The new clothes included a set of Scooby-Doo print boxers. I just had to shake my head and laugh. Luckily the rest of the clothes were just what I would have chosen. Did she do another brain dump to figure out what to order? How can a guy really trust a woman who can dig out your thoughts whenever she wanted?

  Julie called to let me know she was ready. It really was late. I guess it was around 6 PM Earth time so I obviously must have been a bit worn out by Milly. Hopefully she took it easy on me for our first time and things would get wilder in the future.

  I knocked on Julie’s door and it opened.

  “Come on in Guerin. I’ll be right with you. I’ve just got to finish dressing.”

  Obviously, space woman time was the same as Earth woman time. She said, when she called, she was ready and as with any Earth woman, here I was waiting. No telling when she would actually be ready but Earth men are used to this.

  Julie walked out in a simple, yet elegant, strapless black dinner dress like any Earth woman might wear. She filled it out perfectly and I couldn’t help but notice.