by Guerin Zand
“You really look beautiful tonight Julie. I am totally impressed.”
“Thanks Guerin. You look very handsome yourself. There may be hope for you yet.”
“Milly and I thought it would be nice to dress up in Earth clothes for dinner in honor of you. Do you like my dress?”
“Well the dress is great but that’s not really what has my attention.”
She turned her back to me and asked, “Would you mind taking care of the zipper for me please.”
I approached her and her perfume was intoxicating. I never noticed Milly or Julie smelling like this before. It would probably sell big back on Earth whatever it was. As I got closer and placed my hands on her back I started to get aroused. Milly was supposed to prevent this sort of thing from happening and I thought she had done a pretty good job of it last night and this morning. I guess I was wrong and I would definitely mention it to Milly when I got a chance. I zipped up her dress and quickly backed away.
“What’s the matter Guerin? You seem a little jumpy.”
“Just trying to behave Julie. You’re not going to make that easy, are you?” I said with a sick grin.
She knew what she was doing to me and she just smiled and said, “Aren’t you cute.” And she kissed me passionately on the lips.
I was in trouble. I know this all sounds great. Who wouldn’t want to be used as a flesh sex toy by multiple space babes in the same day, right? But space babe is the key word here. I could only imagine the wrath of a scorned space babe and I had no intention of seeing what that would mean for me. Milly was a sweetheart but I could not underestimate her ability to inflict eternal suffering if she so desired.
“Let’s go.” She said acting like nothing had just happened. Was I reading too much into it?
As we approached the waiting magic pad I spoke.
“You’re going to have to drive Julie since I have no idea where we’re going.”
“Not a problem. We’re headed to the Cyletherean compound on the fair edge of the city, next to the green areas.”
Off we went on our little magic pad. I tried to think of dead puppies, dead puppies, dead puppies …….
We didn’t talk along the way. I just kept thinking dead puppies, dead puppies, dead puppies …….
When we arrived at the Cyletherean compound I offered Julie my arm and she took it. I was on a date with an extremely sexy space babe and I could only think that nothing good could come from this. Were Milly and Julie toying with me? What was I thinking when I agreed to this? I promised Milly I would be nice to Julie but without our arguing my mind kept just going back to that same bad place. I was an idiot for agreeing to this!
We entered the compound and followed a walkway through a garden area. The building itself was nothing special but the grounds were well cared for and manicured. After all the bland sterile environments I had seen on this ship, this residence was a breath of fresh air. Sly and his children had impressed me yesterday with their sense of style. The Bree could probably use a few tips from them.
We were escorted from the residence’s main door to a large open area with several diverse types of beings talking and enjoying drinks. Obviously, a reception area, and it appeared we were fashionably late.
None of the different beings I saw really shocked me. There were no giant spiders from Mars or any of the typical bug type aliens that I always read about. A lot of them looked remarkably human for the most part. There were differences that you could see when you looked closely. Skin shades went from almost albino to dark skinned with some interesting shades in between. Some appeared to have longer necks with thin bodies while others had short necks and more stocky builds and within these different body types skin color also varied. Some had really small ears while other’s ears were larger than a typical human. Some had larger heads but for some reason, none of these variations seemed odd to me. Probably a sure sign I was truly bat-shit crazy.
Mixed in with these human looking beings were some that looked like Sly, more or less. It appeared that what I perceived as reptilian species were fewer in number than the human varieties but still there was the same variation in subtle ways that told you they were not the same. I had pretty much adopted referring to all of them as people since I didn’t think that term was human specific and calling them beings seemed rather rude to me.
“Guerin where have you two been?” It was Milly and I was really glad to see her. I didn’t look forward to meeting all these people with only Julie at my side.
“Julie wasn’t ready so we had to wait for her to finish dressing.”
I saw Sly in the crowd and I gave him a nod hello. He started to head over with Sid and Nancy in tow. There was another person with him I assumed was a female from her different form of attire.
“Guerin, I am so glad you made it. We were worried you might not.”
“Hi Sly. Sorry we’re a bit late but my date wasn’t ready. I guess there are some things that are truly universal.” I said with smirk while I looked at Julie.
“Well, what did you expect? A miracle?”
We both laughed and the women all appeared a little annoyed at our little joke.
“You’ve already met Sid and Nancy but I’d like to introduce you to my wife Stella.”
“Mr. Zand it’s a pleasure to meet you. I want to thank you for taking the time to entertain my children yesterday. They haven’t talked about anything else since and they’ve been looking forward to tonight and spending more time with you. It’s no small feat to get our children to want to attend such an event. As far as you giving my husband an excuse to start drinking yesterday, I will forgive it this one time.”
“Please call me Guerin. Mr. Zand makes me feel old and it’s my pleasure to finally meet you. I’m the one that needs to thank Sid and Nancy. They saved me from another dull day of torture with certain adults. You might as well get angry with me about the drinking though because I am sure that won’t be the last time.”
“Would you like to see our game room Guerin?”
“Nancy, Guerin has other things to do besides entertain you and your brother tonight.” Sly said shaking his head.
“Nonsense. I’ll tell you what Nancy. As soon as I can get away from all the boring adults, I’ll take some time to check out the game room. I’m betting you have some interesting, and fun things to show me. I promise to make time for you and your brother.”
Sid and Nancy took off running through the crowd. Probably going to power up their universe simulation or other such alien toys.
“Thank you, Guerin. I hope you know what you just promised. The two of them can be a handful. I just want to warn you.”
“Don’t worry about me Stella. I have had my hands full since I left Earth. Your children help make this all tolerable.”
“Guerin, would you like a drink? I’m having one of those Gargle Blasters Milly told me about. I must say you do know your beverages. We also have Gluark if you’d prefer that.”
“I don’t think I should start drinking anything that strong just yet Sly. I did promise Milly I’d behave so maybe just a bourbon on the rocks?”
“Sure thing. Why don’t you come with me to the bar, I can get you a drink and introduce you to some of the other guests. We’ll leave the women for a while to do whatever it is they do when we men drink.”
“Back on Earth they’d typically complain about the men drinking and how we are so insensitive about their needs. I’ve always thought it was strange that they couldn’t figure out that is exactly why we drank.”
“As you said earlier Guerin. Somethings are universal.”
As we walked away the women made sure we could hear a few of their more vocal objections to those last statements. I figured it was probably a good time to turn on the female filter in my audio receptors.
At the bar, I noticed the bartender reach for a bottle of Pappy’s, and I just could no longer hold back.
“I have to tell you Sly, the abundance of a rare Earth beverage such as Papp
y’s in outer space is a little disturbing to me. This is extremely hard to get on Earth and it appears the reason is you aliens have been smuggling it off planet behind our back. Now you can launch an assault on Earth, ravage and enslave our women but I must put my foot down when it comes to this bootleg operation. If you want any sort of friendly relations with Earth you need to put an end to this.”
A somewhat human looking man with small ears, short stocky build and who looked fairly dangerous spoke up.
“We’ll keep the whiskey Mr. Zand. If it means war so be it!”
The rest of the group exploded in laughter.
“That is Bart. He represents the Erandisi race. Bart this is Guerin Zand.”
Bart held out his open hand for what appeared a hand shake. I responded by offering my hand. He obviously could have crushed my hand based on his grip and I’m sure he intended for me to know it.
“So far Mr. Zand the only thing I’ve found on your planet of any interest to me is your whiskey. Unless you have something better to offer I would say there is no negotiating this.”
“Don’t pay too much attention to Bart. He’s obsessed with some of the Earth movies on aliens and specifically likes the alien villain types. He’s been looking forward to playing the part with you.”
“Well then, perhaps I should challenge him to a duel at high noon?” I gestured to Bart with a smile.
Milly and Julie joined us at the bar.
“Stella says dinner is about ready and we should make our way to the dining hall. Anything interesting I missed?”
“Well Bart has declared a state of war with Earth and I have challenged him to a duel. Other than that, nothing much else Milly.”
“Men! A few drinks and you have to start showing off don’t you. Now let me be clear. No war and no duel!”
“How about a pissing contest after dinner?”
“Guerin!”
I just shrugged in response.
“Just take your date and head to the dining hall. No more of this macho shit understand?”
Julie took my arm and I shrugged my shoulder to the rest of the men as Julie led me away.
“Milly needs to lighten up a bit Julie. We’re just having fun. Besides I’ll bet Bart’s a fucking vegan. How tough could he actually be?”
“I agree Guerin. A duel might be fun to watch.”
Chapter 16
The Big Dinner (Dinner)
The dining hall was a large room. The decorations were elaborate and reminded me of something I’d seen in medieval movies. There were painting of various space-scapes, I guess that is what you’d call them, and statues of the various races I saw in the room. I guess this dinner was a big deal. I definitely felt out of place.
Stella escorted us to our seats. I sat next to Stella, Sly sat next to her, on her right side, at the head of this large elliptical table. Across from me were Sid and Nancy with Milly sitting to their left. Bart sat at the opposite head of the table with his wife who was very attractive. Much to good looking to be with Bart. She reminded me of one of those tough little MMA girls I’d always fantasized about.
There were decanters of water and other beverages in front of me and a staff member came and filled a glass with water and another one with what I assumed was some sort of wine equivalent. At the same time, other staff filled the glasses of the other guests.
I detest formal occasions of any type and this just made me feel ill at ease. If they wanted to torture me this dinner was a good start. I so wanted a stiff drink or six. On top of it all I had Julie sitting next to me who was no help with this. I so wished it was Milly sitting next to me. I would have held her hand for reassurance but I was on my own. Perhaps they wanted me off guard which is why Milly wasn’t allowed to escort me tonight. I just stared across the table at her with a “get me out of here” look. She just smiled back.
Once all the drinks were poured Sly stood up. Everyone else followed his lead and stood as well so I did the same.
“I would like to welcome the committee members and their guests to my home tonight and I would like to especially thank Guerin Zand for his attendance tonight. As you all know he’s the reason for this gathering and we should thank him for giving us a reason to enjoy this fine meal and each other’s company.”
Sly raised his glass. “So, thank you Guerin. It’s my honor to officially welcome you here on behalf of the committee.” And everyone toasted me, the Earth monkey of the day.
There was a round of applause and well wishes around the table and the guests took their seats following Sly’s lead. Fortunately, I was not asked to make any speech or remarks and I should thank Sly for that. If I had to make a speech I probably would have puked and that would have been that for the evening. Of course, that might be a sign of appreciation on one of their home worlds, for all I knew, and by not puking I had offended them all.
The staff brought out the first dish. Of course it was a salad. I didn’t fuss about it. If this was the worse they had in store for me then I would be ok. I made a little small talk with Stella and Sly during this course. The rest of the guests engaged in conversations with those around them as well.
The staff then rolled in carts with several different fruits and veggies and proceeded to offer me a taste of everything. It was all tasty and I really couldn’t complain. It just wasn’t a meal that would absorb alcohol well so I continued to stick with water.
“Sly and I were talking with Milly earlier today Guerin, and she said that being among us made you feel uncomfortable at times. Not being able to understand some of the basic technology you were introduced to made you feel like you didn’t know, what did she say dear?”
“Jack shit Stella. That he felt like he didn’t know jack shit.”
“So exactly what does that mean Guerin? That term confused me.”
“Well Stella, it’s a not too polite way of saying I don’t know anything. There is now way to actually translate the phrase, literally, which would be confusing if you tried to.”
“Do you still feel this way? You seem to be getting along ok and you don’t appear to be having any difficulties.”
“Of course, I still feel like that. It’s hard not to. If I compare myself to the rest of you, I know that you have more knowledgeable and, in comparison, I know jack shit. But if I were to compare your level of knowledge against the total knowledge available in all existence, which you’d have to agree is pretty close to infinite, then you don’t really know jack shit either. That makes me feel better about my circumstances.”
Stella looked surprised at this answer. Milly looked furious. Various other guests smiled or frowned and there were various hushed comments. Julie of course just busted out laughing which of course caused Sly, Sid and Nancy to laugh hysterically as well. I continued grazing as if I had stated the obvious and it wasn’t a big deal.
“What’s so funny Sly!” Stella demanded.
“Well dear. You were toying with him and, not only did I know it, but Guerin also noticed it. You can’t blame him for playing along and taking a shot back. The truth is he’s not wrong, if you think about it. You’re just upset he didn’t fall for your trap and turned it around on you.”
Sly gave me a little smile and raised his glass to me. I returned the gesture and smiled at Stella as well.
“I’m sorry Stella. I wasn’t trying to insult you. I just thought you might enjoy a little Earth humor. It seemed to me you wanted to play, and compared to Milly and Julie, you made yourself a pretty easy target.”
“Well Mr. Zand. Perhaps no one bothered to warn you about a Cyletherean female’s long memory or vengeful streak? Be warned. I won’t be so easy on you next time.”
“Stella, you know there’s already a lengthy line of females with long memories and vengeful streaks ahead of you, don’t you? You’re just going to have to wait your turn.”
“We’re also very patient when it comes to vengeance Mr. Zand.” And with a dirty little grin she raised her glass and I joined her.
“This is a special dish from our home Guerin. It’s called s’glackerin. Would you like to know what it’s made from?” Asked Stella.
“Probably not. I find when I’m in a strange land it’s best not to know exactly what I’m eating. That can sometimes ruin the meal and it’s best to just enjoy it if it tastes good. It smells delicious though.” And it did.
The staff served up the roast making sure to give me a very large portion. Stella was obviously already working on a plan to pay me back. It really was very delicious. My only guess was some sort of vegan-loaf? Since everyone else was enjoying it I assumed it was not made from any type of real meat.
After everyone finished with the main course the staff offered me coffee which I accepted. Then desert was brought out. Desert was several plates on which their appeared to be artfully constructed jello molds. They were very extravagant and the staff rolled the carts around offering the guests a choice. When it came to my turn I looked at Julie.
“Why don’t you choose for both of us Julie?” And she did.
Julie chose the most colorful dish. It was had swirling colors ranging from a simple white at the bottom to a fluorescent green at the top. It was translucent and I could see it contained sliced and diced fruits with what appeared to be pomegranate seeds in the outer layer. It wasn’t jello, because it had a real flavor, and as with most of their fruit desserts it was a combination of sweet and tart.
Chapter 17
The Big Dinner (Q&A)
After desert, Sly stood again. This time no one else stood. Alien protocols were a bitch to follow.
“If Guerin is ready I’d like to open up the discussion to all members who have questions for Mr. Zand. Children if you’d leave us now we have business we must attend to.”