Child's Play: A Spaceman's Story

by Guerin Zand

  Sid and Nancy ran across the room to me and Nancy looked up at me with those little lizard eyes and said, “Remember you promised to check out the game room when you finished.”

  “Don’t worry Nancy. I’d go with you now if I could. I’ll keep my promise. See you in a bit.”

  “Would you like that Gluark now Guerin?”

  “A dying man’s last request Sly?”

  Sly smiled and the staff brought a round of drinks for everybody. Sly and I, along with a few others, went with the Gluarks.

  Sly took his seat and said, “So let’s begin.”

  I looked at Milly, smiled, and slammed the Gluark down in one good guzzle. I shook my head, looked at Sly and said, “I’m ready.”

  “My name is Isabelle and I represent the Gandarsi faction. You consider yourselves an advanced species yet you eat the flesh of other living animals. How can you justify this behavior while considering yourselves advanced?”

  “The animals we eat are meant to be eaten. There are predators and prey. If a lion eats a deer is it doing something wrong? Would you expect a lion to eat a salad? But somehow you think it’s wrong for humans to eat a deer? Do the plants you eat ask you to eat them? I’m sure if they were given the choice they’d prefer not to be eaten.”

  “We are not the only predators on Earth and there are some that have no problems eating humans. There’s a simple saying on Earth. Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. That’s simply life.”

  “Are there no limits to the animals you would consider as prey?” Isabell asked.

  “Normally, as a rule, we wouldn’t eat each other or our pets but there are exceptions to all rules. I think what you really want to know is would we eat the others at this table, correct?”

  “Well yes. Would you?”

  “The simple answer is maybe, if we were starving. None of you look particularly tasty so I wouldn’t really worry too much about humans rounding up Gandarsi, or any of the other races here, for weekend barbeques.”

  Some of the guests found this answer a bit off putting to say the least. Milly didn’t look so happy but Julie was smiling. You can’t make everybody happy.

  “My name is Arthur and I represent the Shrilikean society. Do you believe in God?”

  “Oh, an easy question. Why don’t you define God for me and then I’ll tell you if I believe in that?”

  “Are you trying to avoid the question?”

  “No. My point is that there are many religions on Earth and they all want to define God in different ways. I’m what is known as a lapse Catholic. That means I was raised with the teaching of the Catholic church but I don’t practice this religion as an adult.”

  “When I was a young boy one of the religious instructors described God to me as incomprehensible to the human mind. That definition sort of rang true for me. If there is a God, we couldn’t possibly fathom what such a being was, let alone what its motivations or thinking would be. So, by that definition if you are asking me if I believe there is something beyond my comprehension that forms this existence, then I would have to say yes. I don’t believe in religions that try to tell me they know what God is and that God tells them what to do.”

  “How do you resolve the apparent conflict between the belief in God and science then?” Arthur followed up.

  “There is no conflict to resolve. Another simple one word definition for God is truth. Science is the search for truth and therefore the search for God.”

  “Atheists would argue that believing in God is foolish and kin to believing in magic. These same Atheists though, don’t have a problem believing in un-proved theories like the big bang. In case you don’t know, our scientists have a theory that this universe started with a large explosion of matter and energy that somehow came from nothing to form the universe. I mean if there was nothing than what went bang? Now if that’s not a big smoking cloud of magic I don’t know what is.”

  Arthur must have been the theologian in the committee since he looked ready to keep this going but Sly interjected.

  “During our lunch, you mentioned that you found some of the information regarding this committee’s function to be offensive. Can you explain to me why you feel this way?”

  “In a nutshell, I found it extremely arrogant to believe you have the right to interfere with our development. By what right or authority do you justify this? Based on my previous answer you know I don’t believe you’re gods and I sincerely doubt you’re doing God’s bidding.”

  “Gus, of the Rendocki race Mr. Zand. You don’t believe we have the right to set the terms for contact with a younger race?”

  “Well defining the contact scenario is not the issue. Abducting humans from Earth, putting us through tests and exams and letting the mad doctor Julie here do God knows what to me, is another story. How many others have you abducted? Does the name Douglas Adams ring a bell maybe? You all really need to watch some Star Trek. A simple human science fiction story about space exploration which has a basic premise, the prime directive, that makes you all look like amateurs at first contact.”

  “You’re saying we should watch more Earth TV?”

  “No Gus. I am saying you should do more research first. We really don’t care to be abducted. As I said earlier, we are predators, so if we get captured by some other animal we pretty much assume they’re going to eat us. I’m just happy I’m not the main course tonight.”

  “We’ve read all the classic literature over the Earth centuries. We’ve read and observed human history. Is this not sufficient research?”

  “Let me guess you read Shakespeare, right?”

  “Yes, as well as other classical works.”

  “Well that’s one of your problems. Shakespeare is a load of bullshit, written in a prose no one speaks, and it romanticizes the stories about life it pretends to explain.”

  “Have you read Romeo and Juliet Gus?”

  “Yes.”

  “And what did you take from that?”

  “It was a sad and tragic story about the love between two young people and how they would rather not live than to live apart.”

  “Just brings tears to your eyes, right Gus? Well guess what. There is absolutely nothing romantic about teen suicides. You read a story that tries to make this action seem noble and romantic and you believe it? If you read more real stories of teen suicides you’d see it’s a serious issue and not one to be endeared by some bullshit story. The same goes for stories of war. Only someone who never fought in one, like Shakespeare, would write about the honor and nobility of hero’s and battles. War sucks. Anyone who has been through it will tell you that. Romantic? Noble? Shakespeare should be used to line bird cages and / or wipe your ass with. It shouldn’t be used as an example of human life.”

  “So, we should read the Guide instead Guerin? That’s a good example of the human condition.”

  “You want to go there, do you Milly? Why do you find the Guide so frivolous? Perhaps this is a just a story about one of your previous abductions that you don’t want known? Think about it. The Infinite Improbability Drive for example. It’s a pretty good description of travelling through a trans-dimensional portal from the monkey’s point of view. Douglas was just better with words than I am.”

  “But the book starts out with the main character hitching a ride and not being abducted.”

  “Artistic license or maybe he was just being kind. He didn’t believe his friend any more than I believed you about going into space. Next thing he knew there he was being jerked around the cosmos. He would have preferred to stay home if he had actually known what was going to happen. Sound a little familiar? What about the babble fish vs the earbud you gave me?”

  Milly wasn’t so happy with me but she needed to be put in place. Sly could see we were going off track so again he took control.

  “So back to making contact with Earth. How would you suggest it be done better?”

  “Let me throw a scenario at you I didn’t see in any of your mo
dels Sly. Suppose Earth is a simple mouse trap set up for you. We humans are the cheese and you’re the mice.”

  “You have to admit that there may very well exist intelligent beings that are magnitudes more advanced than you and that you’re not aware of. Just like we’re not aware of your existence. They are so advanced that they see the difference between humans, and Bree for instance, to be non-existent. I mean other than the level of arrogance and space travel capabilities. They exist outside of our reality and maybe they’re the ones who created this reality.”

  “Now these beings only exist in this material reality by allowing part of their conscience to exist in an animal life form such as, well let me see, Earth humans. In this scenario, they live as human and it is only after death that their conscious memory of their human life is added to their total conscience. They have all the limitations of a human existence. They don’t know what came before this life or what will come after. Their intelligence is limited by the physical form they have taken. This limitation also allows them to hide their true selves from other life in the universe. Now for these beings, all the suffering, tragedy, joy and love is all worth it. Each life they live is exciting to them regardless of the bad or good. They do it over and over for the experience like humans riding roller coasters. They do it to learn about life in this universe, to observe and experience what this universe has to offer.”

  Ok so I am sort of ripping off Douglas Adams here, you know the bit about the mice being the ones studying us. I also am adding a bit of a twist, a little Q thrown in from Star Trek, but these arrogant clowns deserved it. I’d been holding back long enough. They were trying to pull a Day the Earth Stood Still stunt here, the original one of course, the remake sucked ass. I always thought the aliens represented in that movie were just too arrogant and we should have nuked DC just to piss them off.

  “So wait a minute Guerin, you’re saying humans are really just the manifestation of higher beings that exist beyond our reality?”

  “No Milly. I didn’t say that. I said that it was a possible scenario. Perhaps I’m not the one with a closed mind here?”

  “Speaking of which can I get another Gluark please?”

  “If you’re done interrupting Milly? May I continue?”

  “Oh, pleassssse do!”

  “Now these beings are having monkey fun, making monkey love and going to war, tearing up the planet like a bunch of drunken frat boys. This society advances and they start setting off nuclear weapons and beaming broadcasts into space. Hurling tin cans at the stars like flares just trying to get your attention.”

  “You notice this and decide you should investigate. You start abducting monkeys and doing strange things to them, in part because it just adds a little excitement to your lives. Who can blame you really. It must be really boring being soooo advanced. But they did make first contact and you are not even aware. They did not affect your progress. They did not interfere with your lives. So, who’s approach to first contact is the subtler? Yours or theirs? Whose approach does less harm?”

  “Guerin. I’m Edward representing the Kandise sector. If that were true you couldn’t relate anything from these beings in your human form since you are unaware of your true existence, right?”

  “Well Edward from our standpoint, no. But remember, in this scenario, when I die this information would essentially be uploaded and since these beings aren’t constrained by what we call time they would know it now, I think. The whole time thingy gets tricky and the technical details are obviously beyond my understanding, but not theirs. If they decided that direct contact was appropriate they wouldn’t do it through their human forms. Besides I did prove with mathematical certainty that you don’t know jack shit and defined God with 2 simple words. What more do you want from first contact with an advance race?”

  “You know what I think Guerin? I think that’s total bullshit!”

  “Really Milly? You mean like having your reality ripped out through your ass and being probed and prodded by hot space babes? Now who’s having a problem considering their reality isn’t what they thought? How does it feel?”

  Sly interrupted. “Let’s say such a thing was possible. I guess I could agree to that, no matter how improbable. What should we change in our approach towards Earth in that case?”

  “First admit it’s possible and include it in your scenario lists for simulations. The whole subtle approach would probably work better then these abductions and you could easily do what I just described in some fashion. Next, I would avoid being too arrogant and pissing off the monkeys. They’ve obviously let you have your fun but at some point, they may just have enough of your crap and decide to end this existence and start over. How would you feel if this was true and some beings were deciding your future for you? Finally, I would make sure the monkeys had plenty to drink.” And I raised my empty glass to emphasize the point.

  The staff noticed this and a nice fresh Gluark appeared. I took a nice sip and said “Ahhhhh.”

  A lot of confused aliens looked at me. Milly was not happy but Julie and Sly seemed to have enjoyed my little diatribe.

  “You have to admit it is possible Milly?”

  “You’re taking his side on this Julie?”

  “No. I am just saying it’s possible. Why are you so upset by this?”

  “I’m not upset. I guess I’m just confused. This is not at all what I had planned for.”

  “My point exactly Milly. In all your possibilities, that you are so proud of knowing, the possibility of this evenings conversation was missed. The possibility of a subtler approach was missed.”

  “It would take time to go back and adjust our models with all this information.” One unintroduced member said.

  “What’s the rush?” I asked. “It’s not like humans are leaving our solar system in the next few hundred years.”

  “And what if that happens sooner smarty pants?” Milly asked.

  “Well you can always fall back to Bart’s plan to invade Earth and secure the distilleries.”

  “I’ll drink to that!” Bart barked out.

  “What about the scenario where we use a human liaison to Earth?” Sly asked.

  “Is that what this is all about” I asked.

  “We can’t change the past Guerin, and it seems like the best solution at hand. You are the first human to make it this far you know? Most have had a hard time dealing with the situation prior to meeting with the committee and we’ve had to return them to Earth. In many cases, we had to alter their memory of events but that was only to help them. In those cases, they were so traumatized that simply returning them to their life on Earth wasn’t possible. Their memories had to be altered to help them deal with the experience.”

  “You would be putting the outcome in a human’s hand and the results could be unpredictable. Why not simply have a Bree on Earth? They could pass easily for human?”

  “They would also be at risk of being discovered. Not many Bree would volunteer for the alien autopsy.”

  “Now whose been watching to many Earth sci-fi videos?”

  “Regardless, one of the reasons for this meeting is to determine if that option would be viable and you are the current candidate. What are your feelings about that?”

  “Other than thinking I might have been wrong? I mean it’s possible you know less than jack shit, if I’m hearing you correctly.”

  “First, I am not a young man anymore so I have at most 50 years left, more likely 20 to 30 years only. The time periods this scenario encompasses would require you to bring a new human on as liaison several hundred times. I would think that would cause the results to be even less predictable. Also, I am not connected to any of the Earth governments, so I would have no influence. To me it’s just a real dumb choice.”

  “Don’t you think we have already factored in all your questions Guerin? Isn’t it possible we actually might know what we’re doing?” Milly asked.

  “And what about my plans Milly? Isn’t it possible that
I have plans for my future when I return home? I admit this has been fun but I’m not looking for a new job. I guess I probably don’t have much of a choice if you were to force the issue but I would appreciate if you’d take my feelings about this into consideration. I don’t think you have and that just gets back to my original thought. Just how arrogant are you?”

  With that I slammed down the rest of my Gluark and stood up. “With that I’ll ask you all to excuse me. I promised a couple of space cadets I’d join them for a little play time.”

  The crowd stood. There was some applause and thank yous were exchanged. I don’t think they bought any of it, but at least I think they enjoyed my bullshit and it gave them something to think about. Julie, Sly, Stella and a few others were laughing. Milly just shook her head at me. It would probably cost me a few sexual favors at some point, but I was sure I could calm her down.

  I leaned over and gave Julie a nice kiss on the lips. Hopefully Milly noticed. I whispered in Julie’s ear that I would be back soon.

  “Let me escort you to the game room Guerin.” I followed Sly out of the dining hall.

  “You know you got Milly a bit upset.”

  “Well it was about time. She’s been asking for it. Besides I didn’t really go that far, did I?”

  “I don’t think so. It was entertaining and you answered the questions honestly which was the point of tonight. Your little scenario just showed that you were capable of some pretty abstract thinking even if it is a highly improbable scenario.”

  “Careful now Sly. Existence is in the balance.”

  We both laughed out loud.

  “Now that we’re alone though, I really would like to know how you feel about acting as liaison for us?”

  “Like I said Sly. If I was younger, I mean say I was in my 20’s, I would probably be jumping up and down begging for the job, but I’m not. At my age, it makes no sense to me.”

  “That’s your only issue?”

  “Well it’s not the only issue, but you have to admit it’s a pretty big issue. The other issues could probably be worked around.”