Child's Play: A Spaceman's Story

by Guerin Zand

  Julie ignored my comment which meant I was probably right. It was so typical of the Bree. Don’t provide any useful information even when cornered.

  “Yes, you will continue to be tested but isn’t that the way it’s been throughout your life so far? Were you given a warning before every major life decision you’ve made? Why should you be given a cheat sheet for the rest of your future?”

  “I know that, but I think this is different. No one was manipulating me into those situations.”

  “And we won’t be, for the most part. The things we want you to help with are going to happen. It’s your job to recognize these situations and act if it is required. It will be up to you, and you alone, to make the right choices. Everyone, including me, believes you are more than capable of handling what comes your way. You know what is beyond Earth, not everything, but you have a unique insight now.”

  “For the most part? I just have a feeling that you already know the shit storm that’s coming my way and I don’t even have an umbrella. What am I supposed to do?”

  “You’ll have the tools to accomplish what needs to be done. Like any child, you’ll learn and grow and as you do more power, and with that responsibility, will be given to you as it’s needed. We’re not abandoning you. We will be here to support you.”

  Am I the only one who noticed another little child comment? I needed one of those focus group clicker things to track the insult rate. I would hit a button every time Julie insulted me and after each conversation I could dump the graph and counters. Then I’d show her how many times she insulted me this conversation, the longest time between insults and her average insult rate. Maybe if I had scientific proof that she was an insulting bitch she would actually have to acknowledge it.

  “So, I just stay on Earth and wait for whatever?”

  “For now. Sometimes it may be best for you to be on Earth while other times it may not. You’re going to have to make a lot of choices in your life. I don’t understand why you think that’s so different than the way you’ve lived your life so far.”

  “You have to trust me Guerin.”

  “That’s the problem. I don’t.”

  “That will change. For now, trust that Milly wouldn’t put you in this position if she didn’t know it was the right thing for you. Ok.”

  “Ok. But I’m not in any position to influence what happens on Earth. I’m just Guerin. I’m not in any government office or position of influence.”

  “And that’s where we’ll help you. We’ll get your foot in the door. Then the rest will be up to you. I’ll give you this one warning. Your biggest threat will come from your own race. But you probably already know that.”

  Prima, or Seca, entered the room with Milly.

  “Are you two done?”

  “Yes, I believe we are.” Replied Julie.

  “Sure. It’s all totally clear to me now. I just need to get back to Earth and fix the universe. Child’s play really. Give me a few months and I’ll have the whole planet singing Kumbaya every day at 4:20. Then I can get back to slacking off, serious drinking, shagging space babes and working on my career as a space pirate.”

  “Guerin Zand.”

  “Yes Julie?”

  “You really are an asshole.”

  “But at least I’m good at it.”

  Chapter 32

  Departure

  Milly and I headed down to the space port and found Sammy and our shuttle waiting.

  “Good morning Guerin, Milly. You can board now if you’d like and relax for a bit. We have a couple of hours before we can leave. In total, it should be about 4 hours before we get you back on Earth.”

  We boarded the shuttle and went to my old quarters. I found my bag waiting for me on the bed.

  “Milly, I hope you have some different clothes for Earth. That onesie has got to go.”

  “Other than this, all I have on the ship is the overalls I wore when we met.”

  “You’re kidding, right?”

  “No.”

  “No underwear either I guess?”

  “Have you ever seen me wearing underwear?”

  She had me there. My girl always went full on commando, which in this reality I guess was fine, but I was going to have to quickly educate this woman and get her outfitted. The Hee Haw look was only good for one place I could think of, Walmart! That would have to be the first stop to get the basics. Then we could move on from there. What kinda woman didn’t have multiple suitcases of clothes ready for a three-day vacation?

  “Ok, look, we’re going to Earth and as usual you don’t really seem very well prepared. You might as well get ready to be the dumb little child in my world. We’ll get you some proper clothes and shoes first thing. Unless you were planning on doing farm work, those overalls and army boots just won’t do.”

  “You didn’t seem to mind the way I was dressed when I came for you.”

  “Well there was a lot of strange things happening at the time and the way you were dressed was one of those. It just wasn’t the strangest, so I sort of let it pass. Go and get changed into what you have for now.”

  I shook my head as Milly headed to her quarters to change. I hadn’t really thought much past just going to Earth, and this fashion malfunction made me realize I was going to have my work cut out for me making this woman fit in. Besides clothing, we would have to make a trip to the local fresh produce market to get her stocked up on all the rabbit food she needed. She was definitely not a Hot Pockets and Jolt cola kinda girl.

  A few minutes later she came back in her overalls and boots.

  “My, you’re one sexy woman. No wonder I couldn’t resist you when I was abducted.”

  “No, you couldn’t smartass!”

  “Am I going to have to potty train you as well or do you know how to use our Earth toilets?”

  “Very funny Guerin. You’re enjoying this, aren’t you?”

  “I sure am. Hopefully you’ll realize how I felt. Paybacks a bitch!”

  “If you’re going to tease me the whole time then maybe I won’t go.”

  “You promised so you have to go. I won’t tease you the whole time, just most of the time. Don’t worry. I promise you’ll have fun. Trust me.”

  I grabbed my iPad out of my bag and got comfortable on the bed and started to update my book with the latest events.

  “You’re going to work on your book?”

  “I figured we’ve got three hours to kill so yes. I just want to get it up to date with my latest adventures and my breakfast with Julie. Why? Do you have something better to do?”

  “What am I supposed to do?”

  “Relax. We can talk while I do this. I’m not hungry but if you are we can go to the cafeteria and I’ll watch you graze.”

  “No. I had breakfast so I’m not hungry either.”

  “This kind of reminds me of taking a plane trip on Earth. As fast as we can actually travel to Earth, we still have to sit on the runway and taxi for three hours. And you call yourselves advanced beings?”

  Milly started to say something but stopped and just sighed.

  “What?”

  “Nothing. Why waste my time trying to explain the intricacies of space travel to a monkey?”

  “You do have three hours to waste.”

  “That’s the difference between you and me. I don’t waste time.”

  I just smiled and got back to my book. She looked bored and I felt bad.

  “Milly. Talk to me. Don’t you have any questions for me like what are we going to do on Earth? Do you have anything you really want to do when we get there?”

  “Oh, one thing. When we get to Earth, no work or talk about work. This is strictly a vacation. I won’t even work on my book. Deal?”

  “Deal.”

  “I haven’t really thought about what I want to do on Earth. I guess we can just wing it.”

  “That’s my girl.”

  “Can we talk about work now?”

  “Yes. Until we set foot on Earth we can
talk about work.”

  “What did you and Julie talk about?”

  “You really do know how to ruin the mood don’t you?”

  “Come on. You said we could talk about work.”

  “Ok. It was just the usual Julie bullshit. You know. I have a bad attitude. This isn’t a joke. You need to grow up. Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. And as usual she told me nothing about what I was supposed to do. Just sit on Earth and wait for the shit storm to hit. I’ll know it when it happens and good luck you’re on your own.”

  “Did she say anything about me?”

  “Yes, but I don’t want to talk about that.”

  “Why not?”

  “It will just ruin our vacation so let’s just ignore it for now. We can have that talk before you leave, I promise.”

  “Ok. Why can’t you and Julie get along? I know she did some things she shouldn’t have but she’s not trying to hurt you. She’s trying to help, really she is.”

  “Honestly I don’t trust her. She’s always treating me like a child. Everyone else at least tries to treat me the same as they treat each other, but not Julie. She goes out of her way to insult me. It’s not like she doesn’t know she’s insulting me. I’ve pointed it out to her repeatedly but still she does it. And I know she’s the one who’s always manipulating me.”

  “I’m sorry. I can talk to her if you’d like. Maybe I can help. I want you and her to be friends.”

  “I thought you said you didn’t waste time?”

  “She said something that made you mad, didn’t she?”

  “Let’s just drop it for now. Please. Why don’t you come over here and sit next to me? I just want to be with you and forget all the bullshit.”

  Milly came over to the bed and took the iPad out of my hands and set it aside. She sat next to me and we just held each other while she rested her head on my chest. We started talking about trivial things and joking around.

  I asked her what she didn’t tell me, and what she thought was so funny, when Gladys had made a pass at me the other night. According to Milly, the Erandisi mating rituals could be extremely physical, bordering on violent. Their foreplay consisted of the male asserting his dominance and the female resisting with all of her strength. Since they come from a world with higher than Earth gravity, my body would not stand up well, and if we were to get intimate I would most probably need medical attention. I’d be lucky to get past the foreplay, but that was the females favorite part so Gladys wouldn’t mind. She said, that in comparison, mating with a Klingon female would be a piece of cake. I was glad to hear she’d been doing a little research.

  Chapter 33

  Home Sweet Home

  Sammy had got us back to Earth in the promised time. This guy should be in charge of Earth’s airlines. He opened a portal for us and we popped up back in the woods behind my house. Now traveling through these portals was still a terrifying event but I no longer suffered from the portal lag like I did the first time. Still, I dreaded going through these things every time. I just did it without complaining so I wouldn’t come across as some big pussy.

  “He couldn’t have opened a portal inside the house like he did when we left?” I wondered why we ended up in the woods.

  “Your brother’s home and he didn’t want him to see that. It probably would have freaked the dogs out a bit too.”

  We walked around to the front of the house and I unlocked the front door and entered. Kat and Mouse went crazy. They were fighting for my attention and they sort of reminded me of Sly’s kids.

  “You’re back!”

  “Yes Sam. Sorry I was gone a little longer than I planned. Were there any problems?”

  “No.”

  I introduced Milly and Sam, and noticed Sam’s confusion.

  “She’s a friend from work. I got a new job but I’ll still be working from home, for the most part. I may have to travel a bit though.”

  “Well while you were gone something happened.”

  “What?”

  “I won the lottery. I almost never play but for some reason I thought I’d grab a ticket last week and well. So, I have a new house on the river in Merritt Island and I’ve just been moving my stuff the past few days. I’m just finishing packing up and I was just waiting for you to return before I moved in.”

  “Will you be able to watch the dogs for me when I have to travel?”

  “Sure. My new place has a big fenced in yard. They can just stay with me when you’re out of town.”

  “Great. Thanks.”

  “Me and Milly have to run some errands so we’ll be in and out today. Do you need any help with moving?”

  “No, I’m pretty much done except for a few boxes.”

  “Milly will be staying with us for a few days. I wanted to show her around a bit.”

  “Well since you’re back, and you have a guest, I’ll just move in to my new house today after I get this last load packed.”

  “Sounds good. Let me know if you need anything and thanks for taking care of things while I was gone.”

  “No problem.”

  It was only around 10:00 AM on a Tuesday morning in Florida so I figured Milly and I should get started with her makeover.

  “We’re heading to Walmart for a few minutes, do you need anything when we’re there?”

  “No, I’m good. You must be really special Milly if he’s going to take you to Walmart.” And Sam couldn’t help laughing.

  “Very funny asshole.”

  I grabbed Milly and we headed out to the garage to get the truck.

  “What was so funny?”

  “You’ll see Milly. I wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise.”

  Walmart wasn’t but a five minute drive and so it didn’t take long to get there. Luckily, at this time on a weekday morning Walmart wasn’t that busy. I don’t think Milly could have handled Walmart if it was packed. It was going to be a big enough shock as it was. As we walked towards the entrance the same feeling of dread that I got when going through a portal hit me. This was normal, so I guess if you were wondering what going through a portal was like, it was sort of the same as going in to Walmart.

  We made a beeline to the woman’s clothing and luckily Milly knew her sizes so we didn’t have to linger too long. Milly was in shock. I didn’t even try to explain. We grabbed her a pair of jeans, a tee shirt and tank top. We then headed over to shoes where she tried on a couple of different sizes of walking shoes before she found a pair that fit. Finally, I brought her over to the underwear and got her a four pack of women’s Fruit of the Loom boy shorts. Don’t ask me what women’s boy shorts are. Seemed like another oxymoron to me.

  Once we had what we needed I started to rush to the self-checkout lanes. I didn’t want to cause Milly any more confusion than was necessary so I would avoid the regular checkout lanes. Just then I had a quick thought and I ran back to where the candy was and grabbed several large bags of Reece’s Pieces for Sid and Nancy.

  Milly just stood there looking around like a deer in the headlights while I checked out and paid for everything. I grabbed the bags in one hand and her hand in the other and pretty much dragged her out of there. Once we got out of the front entrance she seemed to come back down to Earth.

  “What the hell was all that?” Milly gasped.

  “Sorry, but I thought I would just get even with you a bit. That’s sort of the Earth equivalent of travelling through a trans-dimensional portal. We were only in there a few minutes yet it felt like forever, didn’t it? Now maybe you know how I felt.”

  “That was worse than any portal. Those people. Are they human?”

  “I always assumed so, but after these past few days in space, I may have to reevaluate that assumption. Try and put it out of your mind. I promise you’ll never have to do that again. If you’re really interested though, there is a website dedicated to those people. You can view it on my computer when we get back home.”

  “No thanks. I’m good.”

  I kinda felt bad about
all of that, but it was her own fault. If she would have bothered to prepare for this trip it wouldn’t have been necessary. At least she didn’t stand out in the Walmart crowd in her overalls and boots. Anywhere else that would have been a problem. Now we had some clothes she could wear and go to a proper mall and get something nicer.

  We went back to the house so she could change before we headed out for real. I changed the sheets on the bed while she was changing. Being a guy, I wasn’t sure when I had changed the sheets last so I thought it would be a good idea. We don’t have those sneaky little housekeeping robots here. Luckily the cleaning lady had just made her monthly visit earlier that week so the house was clean.

  “Do I have to wear these underwear shorts?”

  “Yes. I’d say don’t get your panties in a bunch about it but you have to be wearing panties first.”

  “Very funny.”

  She put on her panties and said, “How’s this?”

  “I hope that’s not all you’re planning on wearing.”

  “You’re no fun.”

  She slipped on her jeans and the tank top. Now we didn’t bother with a bra and Milly was very well proportioned. This tight tank top didn’t leave anything to the imagination.

  “Absolutely not!”

  “What?”

  “Put the t-shirt on unless you’re planning on strolling the OBT for men.” The OBT, for those of you not familiar with Orlando, is the Orange Blossom Trail. It’s a major road in Orlando known for certain types of women, if you know what I mean.

  She took the tank top off. She gave me a look, and she definitely knew what she was doing to me.

  “Milly please. Give me a break.”

  “What’s wrong Guerin?”

  “Don’t give me that innocent act bullshit. You know exactly what you’re doing. Now put that t-shirt on.”

  She just stuck her tongue out at me and pouted. Finally, she put the t-shirt on. Still it was quite revealing and I just hoped the A/C wasn’t turned down too low at the mall.