by Ros Baxter
Just when I thought I would never stop, that I would stand here ruining Larry’s short forever, an authoritative clap grabbed my attention. I turned to see Mary, poking her head out of the doorway to Doug’s room and clapping nursey hands at me. Her bossy little brown eyes showed pity, but also something else. Her mouth was a tight line and she was sucking in her cheeks. She held up a finger to her lips and spat an emphatic shush at me.
“You’re not helping,” she said, not meanly, but in a voice that brooked no complaints.
My cheeks flushed and the skin on my scalp prickled.
How could I be making such a scene when others had been doing all the hard work?
I dragged in my breath and squeezed my eyes shut, pinching my arm hard at the tenderest part, where the scar bit deep and gnarled, trying to shock myself into sense.
I pulled back from Larry and rubbed my eyes, trying to breathe like the yogi taught me, filling up my diaphragm and focusing on an imaginary red spot on my forehead.
When the worst was done, Larry spoke again. “It might pass. It’s just so very hard to tell. I gave him some really serious sedatives. He was incredibly distressed.”
“I should have been here.” I felt the red black cloud blanketing my vision again, and the ugly push of self-hatred fill my veins. “I should have been here when he woke.”
“It wouldn’t have helped,” Larry said, shaking his head. “He didn’t know anyone. He didn’t know his name. It would only have freaked you out, to see it.”
I thought about Ran. He will recover, with your help. And his part in this is not over yet. How could she know that he’ll recover? Maybe she just didn’t realize how bad he was. And what the hell was I supposed to do about it? I didn’t know how to fix this.
Or did I? My brain skimmed to Rick, and his herbs. Could they fix this?
I went in again to see Doug, who was sleeping now, looking so peaceful I could almost believe Larry was lying, except I knew he wouldn’t. Mary came back in with some equipment.
I patted her shoulder. “Thank you,” I whispered.
And she smiled.
It was midnight when I woke to Mom shaking my shoulder.
I would never have thought I would drop off, here on this little chair in this hospital room, my brain turning over and over what happened between her and Kraken, and running over Larry’s words. But even with all the madness of the day whirling in my brain, it wasn’t hard at all. The last four days, maybe all that bawling like a baby, and I guess the hydroporting as well, had done their work, and my body and brain switched off into the deepest of sleeps.
I could hear the stilted creak in Mom’s movements as she went over and placed her fingertips on Doug’s eyes, whispering a blessing. The sound told me she was tired too, so tired. I thought about all the unknowns of the next few days, and the long journey facing us, and I figured I’d have to wait a little to talk to her about Kraken. She needed some rest.
I just hoped she would understand my snooping. And that I wasn’t leaving it too late.
Even though it was late, I called my Dad from the phone at the hospital (no cells allowed) to tell him I was going away again. Because I always keep him posted on my movements, and maybe also because I wanted to hear his voice, warm and reassuring. He had a phone in his cell, so I knew he’d answer. And he must have heard something in my voice, because he chuckled down the line at me, sounding so close and so dear that I felt my throat constrict at the sound.
“So you found it then?” It was a question, but really more of a statement.
“Found what, Dad?”
“Your courage. I seem t’ remember you were looking for it when you came by here a coupla days ago.”
No way. I felt more scared than I’d ever felt in my life at this point. Rushing into burning buildings had nothing on the fear I was feeling. But I did know one thing. I’d be screwed if I was going down without a fight.
“Nah,” I said shortly, hoping he wouldn’t hear the tremor in my voice as I thought about how the things I was most afraid of had started to come to pass. Hurting people I love. Realizing I’ve got to save people, and that I don’t know how.
I thought about Doug, strung out and hurting in the room down the corridor.
And me, not able to stop the tide of hurt.
Dad paused, and then laughed again. “You’re wrong, y’know, bella. I can hear it in your voice. You gotta remember, courage doesn’t mean you’re not scared. Courage just means you feel the fear and do it anyway. Like those motivational fuckwits say. I can hear it in your voice. You’re off to do it, aren’t you?”
I paused a moment, considering his words. “Yeah,” I agreed.
A pause, and then he asked. “Am I allowed to know what it’s all about?”
“Nah, Dad. Sorry.”
I so wanted to tell him. Empty my brain of all the things I was carrying, all the things I was trying to make right for everyone, and just lean on his solid strength.
But how could I? Where to start?
Well, Dad, it’s like this. You always knew we were kind of different, and hey guess what? We’re actually mermaids, and you see, some bad-ass is stealing people, and trying to kill me, and oh yeah, they just fried Doug so bad he’s drooling crazy at the hospital. I need to save them all, and the world while I’m at it. Otherwise say good-bye to your baby girl. But hey, don’t worry, nothin’ you can do about it. See ya in a coupla days!
How could I lay that crap on him and then leave him there to worry and fret about it all?
Like he could read thoughts too, he said, “‘Cause, y’know, if y’need help, I’ll come.”
“Come?” I was confused. “Dad, in case it’s escaped your attention, you’re in jail.”
“Ah,” he honked. “What’s jail? Just a place. Not so hard if my baby girl needs me.”
But I couldn’t take Dad where I was going. So I shook my head and tried to harden up.
“Dad, honestly, it’s fine. It’s no big deal.”
I could hear him waiting, weighing up what I was saying. “’Kay, sweets, but remember, the offer’s there. No four walls in the world could hold if you needed me. Y’know that, right?”
“I know it, Dad,” I said, shaking off my melancholy and trying to sound cheerful. “Really, everything’s fine.” I corrected myself quickly because I find it had to lie to Dad. “Everything’s going to be fine, anyway.”
Chapter Thirteen
Leaders and Listening
Day Five: The Place of Light, Aegira
“Ah, and here’s The Golden One. You always did have to make an entrance, Lunia.” Kraken’s still-boyish blue eyes twinkled in his smooth, handsome face, and settled on us as we spilled from nowhere into the meeting, naked and semi-conscious.
“Kraken,” the Queen silenced him with a steely glare. “Lunia is my invited guest. Late she may be, but we will give her time to collect herself before we continue.”
She paused for a moment to ensure her next sentence was given due attention.
“And you will give her all the courtesy owed to a guest of the Queen.”
Unused to public dressing-downs from the Queen, Kraken huffed fussily as he floated at her left hand. Gag-ai-lan helpers scurried forward to shelter us while we took some moments to recover from our song-travels, draping us in the blue-green silks of the Royal House to afford privacy while our atoms re-gathered and our minds sharpened. It was hard this time, and I felt a chill of fear, knowing that what we were doing was dangerous, hyrdroporting so much and so far in so little time.
The Queen seemed to take a few moments also, to collect her thoughts.
As we re-formed, I took in the beautiful Council meeting chamber, the Place of Light, lit by the ecstasy of a million gleeda bugs. A sight few people ever see.
While we collected ourselves, Imd spoke to us. To us alone, deep into our minds.
By the Goddess, I am glad you are here, my friends. You give me relief, and strength. Before we begin, I need to tell you
something.
I was still incapable of speech, but I tried to signal with my eyes that I was listening, and I felt, rather than saw, Mom do the same.
Last night I was visited during the night, by my mother, the goddess Ran.
I had to stop myself from saying, You too? Man, she really gets around.
The Queen continued. My mother, she told me you are both very important, and that I must look to you, and protect you as far as I can. As you both know, I have spent months in the fog, dithering and confused, wondering why I did not feel as sharp, as young, as I always have.
I bit my lip, almost embarrassed by her openness.
I had just assumed it was old age catching up with me, Rania, in my thousandth year.
Had she read my mind?
But it was a source of vast relief to know that it was more, so much more, than that.
Relief?
A source of relief and, of course, rage.
Oh, okay, so rage I get.
The idea that someone poisoned me, to keep me… docile? Someone close to me, perhaps. It makes my blood seethe like a tsunami. It makes my heart ache for revenge.
I nodded. Yeah, baby.
But this is a passion I must contain if I am to steer my nation through these troubled and uncertain times. A passion we must all contain. Do you understand?
I couldn’t help feel this was directed at me. The feeling amplified as Mom took my hand and squeezed. I nodded at Imd, and she turned back to the rest of the grouping. “Let us begin.”
My thoughts were still settling back into sense in my post-hydroporting brain, but I knew two things with crystalline clarity. One, I needed to get back to that cave as fast as I could. And two, I hadn’t been invited to this little shindig, but I hated leaving Mom in there, with Zorax, who’d done Ran-knows-what, and Kraken the Rapist, who made her run away from Aegira and turn off mermen for life.
I was standing in the ante-room to the Council chamber. Close, so close, to the most secret place in this nation. And I was still none the wiser about what was going on here, or about what had gone before. Kraken. How was it possible? He and Mom? Obviously before Shighsa, Carragheen. Before me. Were they lovers before he went? After? During? Were they on land together? And what were the lovers’ ears for? Why did they need to be able to find each other?
We’d left Dirtwater this morning, but still ended up appearing right in the middle of the meeting, just after it had started. Hydroporting can be unpredictable like that. I knew it wouldn’t bother Mom. But me, I prefer not to show up naked and confused in the lion’s den. Who knew which of those assembled bigwigs was part of this whole mad conspiracy?
I’d rather have my clothes on and my wits about me when facing them down.
I thought through what I needed to do. Most of the people I was really keen to question were in that room. Especially Zorax, and it would be useful for me to know what they were discussing. Basically, I needed to find a discrete way to eavesdrop.
I carefully considered the Gag-ai-lan chaperoning me.
“Ah, sorry, did you say your name was Meegost?”
He nodded, a man of few words.
“I really need some things, do you think you could fetch them for me?
Trained at the best schools in Aegira, Gag-ai-lan live to help, so I could tell that Meegost’s basic desire to get me whatever I wanted was warring with his instructions to stay put.
I tried to look inoffensive. It was hard. I’ve been offending people forever.
“It’s just, I’ve not been well, and the hydroporting has really tired me. Do you think you could fetch me some food? Would it be acceptable to eat while I wait, do you think?”
Okay, that had sealed it. Food is the Gag-ai-lan speciality.
He was off, but not before he ran his hands delicately across the opening leading into the Chamber of Light, setting off a shower of tiny sparkles in the water around us. Damn. A protective skin across the opening, effectively sound-proofing it. He then settled me down on a low day-bed close-by, with exhortations to wait there until he could return with some food. I felt kind of bad that I was taking advantage of the fact that Aegirans don’t really have suspicious natures, but not bad enough not to do it anyway.
As soon as he was gone, I was off the bed, and found the perfect spot. A small alcove in the dark corridor leading to the Place of Light. I could see the ante-room where I was supposed to be waiting, but also hear proceedings in the main space. The acoustics were amazing. The incredible, scooped-out area was custom designed to enable you to hear the waving of the tiniest fin. I could hear what was going on perfectly. I wasn’t sure how long the whole thing was going to take, so I settled on the soft sandy floor in the small alcove.
I could hear the Queen doing the ritual welcomes.
Even though the participants knew each other, it would be a breach of etiquette not to begin the meeting by intoning the credentials of each, and issuing the traditional welcomes.
“Shar, my oldest adviser, the controller of magic and the highest ranking of my councilors. Tireless in the service of Aegira. You have given me wise counsel for many years now. I know you are concerned about our refugee policies, and wish to discuss them today.”
The Queen paused, weighing her words. “I also know that you know how I feel about this. It has always been Aegira’s destiny, her calling, to be a safe harbor for those tribes of the ocean, or individuals among them, who were hurting, lost or alone.”
I considered what I knew of Shar as I listened. I realized how little I really did know. No woman, no children. A life of service. What moved him? A certain pride, a vanity in his position, but what else? But the Queen had moved on.
“Kraken. If ever a man were blessed by the Gods, it was you. Beautiful, and compelling. If this were a nation of Kings, surely you would be leading us all.”
Was there a hint of irony there? A tacit acknowledgement of his pridefulness?
“I know that you too have questioned the help offered to the Lost Ones. We have much to discuss. After all, we ourselves were refugees from another place, in the beginning.”
As I listened, I wondered whether the Queen was immune to gossip. She must know that Kraken’s perfect life was far from perfect. That he and Shighsa had never been a love match, maybe even that he had known some troubles with his son.
“I know your passion for Aegira. And you, of course, have been a watch-keeper, and know The Land well. Although you are not…” The Queen paused theatrically. “What is the Land term? A fan?”
Laughter rippled across the group at the understatement. All knew Kraken’s view that land-dwellers were evil and corrupt, people of violence and shallow dreams.
But none as well as me.
I tried to figure it out. Whatever else he had done, Kraken worshipped Aegira, the idea of it, its purity and light. Could such a man have poisoned his Queen, the daughter of Aegira’s founders?
The Queen continued. “Epaste, the Silent. Custodian of the Seekers, those who cared for Aegira in times of trouble. You who see all, and always offer your reflections with such humility and kindness. A voice of reason when the Council suggested curtailing the program of assistance to The Lost Ones. You who offered your home to Leigon families when their insurrection against their oppressors had seen them tortured and driven out.”
I thought about the Queen’s words, and cursed my own prejudices about this man. Aegirans distrusted him, but people are always afraid of those who are different. I wondered again at the events that had seen Epaste forego his voice.
Secrets make people vulnerable.
I knew from my few moments in the meeting, before I’d been gently guided out, that the extended Council was there tonight as well. Zorax, the Choirmaster. Neela, the Planner. And Rashind, the Healer. I knew from our earlier appearance in the Chamber that they were floating on rush mats opposite the council.
I tuned in again to Imd’s voice.
“Zorax, my old friend. Zorax the Jolly. In a land
of song, the most revered of our artisans. You create the sounds that sustain our nation. Without you, what are we but fish, hidden and afraid? It is our song that lifts us into another realm, the song with which we celebrate life, and light, and the bliss of our community.”
I thought about that little Santa face and wanted to puke.
C’mon, Imd, cut to the chase.
“Neela, our Planner. Right now, the only other woman in this group. How strange that is. I wonder, how did that happen? At other times in my reign, women have dominated the Council. And, in the reign of some of my sisters, only women have been allowed. But during my thousand years, I have been so blessed. I have benefited from the insights of both men and women.”
I could almost hear the silent discomfort about the current ratio.
I knew from Mom that the brilliant Neela had been responsible for much of the revitalization of Aegira over the last decade. She had not only completed a technical revolution in architecture, but made the history lines on the roofs of the houses her own private crusade, and the Queen applauded the way their history was being made so concrete, and so personal. History is personal, Imd knew after a thousand years of life. People’s lives are all that really matters.
I assumed she dug the woman wisdom Neela brought to the Council.
“And last, Rashind. Our doctor and newest member of the grouping. You have only sat on the Council for two moons, succeeding ancient Artog, the Chief Healer, after he had recently passed beyond.”
I knew little of Rashind, except for his grief, which had become legend.
Rashind’s parents, high-ranking and well regarded Gadula, had both died when he was very young. They had been well known for their good works, for seeking out and nurturing talent among children of all classes, for sharing their light and warmth with all who touched their home. Rashind had been raised by old Artog, and, as a result, he had always seemed very serious although he was not much older than Lecanora. Worked and studied too hard, failed to indulge in any of the idle pursuits which the young should enjoy. I wondered what that arcane upbringing had done to his soul.