by J. Nichole
Opening my room door, I look out to see Chris perched on the end of the couch. "Hey." He's still sexy. Maybe in better shape than when I saw him last.
"Hey." His teeth beam through his perfect smile. He's grown out his facial hair.
I wave my head towards the room and he follows me inside. I point to the chair and he takes a seat. His legs are jumping and he's rubbing his hands together.
Taking a seat on the edge of the bed away from him I ask, "Why are you here?"
He looks down to the carpet then back up to me and I can see hurt in his eyes. "Being this is spring break I was hoping you weren't busy with school."
"Okay." I look at him with my eyebrows raised. "And?"
"I truly am sorry I caused strife between you and Josh." He wipes his hand across his face. "I know you don't want anything to do with me..." He clears his throat. "Anymore. If it's true I wanted to see you face to face. For you to tell me it's over."
I listen without speaking. Rationalizing everything he is saying to me. "If it's over I think we deserve the closure. When I broke up with you because of Courtney I never intended that to be forever. I walked away knowing we'd be back together at some point. At that time I left you torn but was hoping without closure you would know it wasn't over."
My hands begin to shake and I blink my eyes to keep the tears from falling. "Chris, that was the worst plan ever. You expected me to assume that we'd get back together. To wait around for you to come back to me?" I throw my hand in the air. "You expected me to stay single?"
"Laila, it's not like that. I honestly didn't think it through past making sure you were safe. I knew how long it took you to give me a chance and I was hoping the next guy, if he came around, would have just as much difficulty." He looks away from me. "I didn't expect that next guy to be Josh." He sighs deeply. With his head to the sky he says, "Not the guy who you've known for years and had a crush on. Not him, Laila. I didn't expect it to be him."
A lump sticks in my throat and the tears begin to fall. Not only did Chris not expect Josh to be the next guy, neither did I. Chris stands up and walks over to me, stopping before he reaches the bed.
"If I would have known it was him I would have thought of something else. Anything else." He kneels down in front of me and wipes my tears. "I hate seeing you hurt. That day I broke up with you was the hardest day of my life." He wriggles his hands into my tight grip. "Every day since then has been even worse."
I sniffle and look at him through teary eyes. "Chris." I shake my head. "I can't do this. Josh and I are not together anymore, but I can't go back." I remove my hand from his and wipe my face. "I need to be alone. I need to heal from all this hurt."
He bites his lip and looks at me. "I'm not asking for us to jump back into a relationship." He sits back on the floor beside the bed. "I'm asking you not to count us out. Don't say you're done. I can handle that. I can handle you working through the hurt but knowing we have a chance to be together again." He takes another deep breath. "Please."
All my resolve is broken and I kneel beside him on the floor. Wrapping him in my arms and sobbing. He hugs me back and rocks me back and forth until the sobs calm and only tears are falling. I pull back and close my eyes as I sit with my back against the bed. His eyes are red, and seeing him in pain adds to my hurt.
He reaches for my hand and says, "Laila, are we going to be okay?" I shrug my shoulders and he continues to hold my hand. We sit on the floor until I feel exhausted, too tired to sit against the bed. I pull my hand away and lie in bed, closing my eyes.
Chris doesn't move at first. Then I hear him stand up, shutting the door. From behind me he wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me in close. He whispers, "Is this okay?"
"Mmm hmm,” I mumble.
I'm awakened and sit up in the bed. My chest is heaving and my heart is racing. I look beside me and Chris is staring at me. "Are you okay?" He blinks his eyes as he tries to focus. "I think we fell asleep."
"And I had a bad dream." I close my eyes to remember what happened. "You were in it.” I look at him, "and Josh was too."
His eyes grow wide and he says, "What happened?"
I close my eyes again to recall the details. "You both had an arm and were pulling me in both directions."
Chris rubs my back. "This stress is too much. You're right."
I turn around to face him. "I just need time to think about everything that's happened." He nods his head in agreement. "With school ending in a couple of months and this being it for the roomies and me..."
He rests his hand on my leg. "No explanation necessary." He kisses my back and stands up. "Can I take you out for dinner before I leave?"
I smile at him and say, "Now you know I can always eat."
Outside, I look for his Camry. He clicks his keys and I hear a car's doors unlock. I look around but can't determine which car was unlocked. I follow him and he opens the door to a Benz. I look at him sideways and say, "Family business doing well?"
He hides his grin and says, "As a matter of fact it is." After we are settled into the comfort of his leather seats, he asks, "Still like Chubby's?" A grin wider than anticipated spreads across my face, and he laughs a hearty, gut-wrenching laugh.
After picking up our food from Chubby's, Chris parks in front of Lake Ella. "The weather is still decent." I strain my neck towards the lake. "Want to sit out on the bench and eat?"
"If you can deal with the flies trying to eat your Mexi Chop that's fine with me,” he says looking over to our bag of food.
We sit across from each other on the park bench and I take a few bites of my food before asking, "When are you going home?"
He twists his lips and says, "I could go back today." He looks at me and continues, "Or I could stay for a few days."
Sensing he wants my approval for him to stay I say, "Oh okay." I know if we spend any more time together I won't be able to resist him. I won't be able to get over everything that's happened and truly think about what I want. Sitting here with him feels like nothing has changed. "Where are you staying?"
"If I stay, I'll be at one of my frat brother's houses." He takes a bite of his food and moans as he chews. "I wish we had a Chubby's in Tennessee."
I take another bite and savor all the flavors. "Not one in Jacksonville either." I wince.
His face turns serious and he asks, "Are you excited about the move to Jacksonville yet?"
I shrug. "I'm getting there. Have to finish this semester first."
"And enjoy every moment of it. The real world kind of sucks." He laughs. We finish our food and sit watching the ducks around the lake. When the sun begins to set we walk back to the car but Chris doesn't start it. Instead, he sits with his hands on the wheel. "I don't know about you but I feel further from closure than when we spoke earlier."
"Yeah. Me too." I dig for my phone and hand it to him. "Put your number in it again, please?"
He obliges me and saves his number. "What now?"
"You better get some rest for your trip back to Tennessee." He laughs and shakes his head.
Chapter Seventeen
On my way to class, I stop at Up Late Cafe for tea. Since being back from spring break I've been on the struggle bus. Staying awake in class is harder than ever before. With only a few weeks left of the semester I have to push through.
"I'll take an English Morning tea with cream and sugar please." I lean against the counter as I wait for my tea.
"Yo, Laila." I hear someone yell from across the cafe. Obviously not caring that the cafe is in the middle of the library and most, if not all, of the students in here are studying. I look to my right at one guy laughing at his phone. Maybe not him.
Jason shuffles through the crowd and says, "Long time no see." He sticks out his bottom lip. "Was starting to think I wouldn't see you before we graduated."
I look at him with my eyebrows raised. "We?" He throws his head back laughing. "No seriously. Are you graduating?" Jason isn't the most studious guy on campus. He knows how
to ease his way into a passing grade, though.
"Sure am." He holds out a paper. "Just submitted my grad application." I pat him on his back and smile. "Now if your boy can find a j.o.b. I'd be set."
"I bet. You better get down to the Career Center and speak to one of the counselors. They have to know something to help a..." I look up, trying to recall his major. "What'd you major in again?"
"Business," he says proudly. "I've been hitting up the frat brothers too … maybe one of them can help."
Chris is running a business, and it seems to be doing well. He's also Jason's frat brother and probably still owes him a favor from when he had him spying on me. I suggest to Jason, "Hit up Chris." I take my tea from the counter and take a long sip.
He wriggles his eyebrows. "You still fucking with my boy?" His voice comes out way too loud, and I look over my shoulder to see if anyone was listening.
"Nothing serious. We've been talking, though." I straighten my shoulders and hold my head up high. "I'm still single."
"And looks like you're proud about that." He looks down and away from me. "Whack," he whispers.
I slap his arm and give him a stern look. "Whatever, Jason. Call your frat brother and see if he can help you out." I walk towards the cafe exit.
"Hold up, though." He runs behind me. "Let's get together before we graduate." He bounces his shoulders. "You don't know how good it feels to be able to say that."
"Call me." I nod my head and say, "Before we graduate."
He turns around and walks in the other direction, shouting, "That's right. We graduatin'."
I take a seat next to Dionne in Ethics class. She's tapping nervously on the desk, and I turn to her and ask, "Dionne. What are you doing?" I have a hard time hiding my annoyance. "Can you stop tapping?"
She stops tapping and looks at me. "Sorry. I'm nervous." Considering we don't have an exam and Professor Dorian hasn't ever given us an unplanned quiz I don't understand. I wait for her to explain. "I'm waiting to hear back about a job offer." She taps again then stops herself by holding her hand down.
I place my hand on top of hers. "You'll be good. Just relax." Professor Dorian walks into the room. Before speaking, he passes out a stapled set of papers. He smiles at me as he places mine on my desk. I start reading over the notes he has provided. Exam notes. For the final that's in two weeks. God is good.
"Only those of you here today will receive these notes." He looks around to each of us, then reminds us, "Remember this is an Ethics class. I expect each of you to honor what you've learned this semester and not share these notes with anyone." He snaps the paper in front of him. "Let's review."
I look around the class and see Ms. Durr is missing. Too bad. She hasn't been in attendance since spring break. But Dionne did say she has a way of pulling off the exams. We'll see how she pulls this one off.
Before dismissing us, Professor Dorian says, "Even with these," he holds up the notes, "make sure you are here for the classes leading up to the exam."
"Hey, Dionne." I throw my bag over my shoulder and follow her out of class. "What job are you waiting to hear from?"
She glances at her phone. "Millennial Magazine."
"What? The Millennial Magazine?" She smiles and nods her head emphatically. "I'm praying for you."
"I've always dreamed of moving to New York. And to work for Millennial Magazine." She grits her teeth. "I'm sure you know why I'm nervous. Thanks for your prayers. I had my last interview last week and should hear something soon."
Millennial Magazine started a few years ago and had since become one of the premiere magazines in the market. It's targeted to young and educated professionals. Being solely digital, the content is mostly shared through social media but has a large subscription base. I passed the recruiter my resume but never got a callback. Dear God, please let Dionne get the job at Millennial Magazine.
My phone rings, and I smile when I see my mom's name. She's been calling at least once a day to discuss graduation plans. Coordinating the arrival of family, helping me move, a party, anything and everything. Because of her health scare she’s had time on her hands while resting at the house. "Hey, mom."
"Laila, dear." I already know this isn't her asking me how my day is going. "How many tickets can you get for graduation?" We are limited to ten tickets. We already have more than ten people planning to travel in for the graduation.
"Ten." She goes on to complain about the amount of tuition and having a limit on the number of people that can watch me cross the stage. How L.S.U. didn't have a limit when she graduated.
"I saw Josh the other day."
After learning about my mom feeding Josh on the regular, we talked about how much she enjoyed him stopping by and how he'll make a great son-in-law. She was just as heartbroken as I was, if not more, when we broke up.
Of course, I didn't tell her that he cheated on me. "How's he doing, mom?" I haven't talked to him since we broke up. I'm still moving to Jacksonville, and that was his issue. At least that's what he claimed. The long distance was too difficult for him. Even after I convinced myself that I forgave him for cheating.
"He's still moping around." By moping she means, he isn't with me. "When are the two of you going to work it out?"
"Work it out, mom?" I am careful not to insult her although we hardly can agree on my love life. "Dad may not like me giving up a job to be with a man."
"Nobody is asking you to give up your job." She laughs into the phone. "Your dad would have a heart attack if he heard I even implied that. What I am saying is … make it work. Love is about compromise, Laila."
"Compromise is a two-way street. I don't have much to negotiate with." My mom is feeling preachy today. Josh must have tugged on all her heartstrings.
"When you dated Travis I didn't have much to say." I plead with my mom to give up her speech. "Let me finish." I find a seat in the atrium and wait for her to wrap up her lecture. "There are three types of love. Eros. Philos. Agape. Do you agree you've been in love with each of these guys you've dated?"
"Yes, I would say that." I've felt that heartthrob for each of them. Different. But still love.
"Okay, well let me tell you a little something. Eros is that type of love that is based on appearances. It's selfish love. Mostly associated with your first love. We'll say that was Travis. Do you agree?"
"Yes, I'd say it was based on appearances." I couldn't say that while I was in love with him but once I was over him I realized there was nothing below the surface with that relationship.
"Alright. That takes care of that. There's Philos. This is the love that's based on friendship. It grows organically, and it's tough because once you cross that line you can't easily turn back." She doesn't ask me if I agree. "Then there's Agape love. This is the love you should have for your husband. Doesn't mean that it will only happen once, but I hope for you, once you find it, you won't let it go. It's that selfless love. The love that's willing to compromise."
"Thanks, mom. Always making me think." The sun is shining in my eyes, and I should get moving to my next class. "I love you." Before hanging up I say, "And hey, if I find more tickets I'll let you know."
When I pull up to the apartment, I pass a Benz that reminds me of Chris and my conversation with my mom. Love should be simple. I feel like I've been making it harder on myself by being stubborn.
I pull my keys out of my purse to open the door. With my hand on the handle, the door opens and Jennifer is standing there. "Hey, I was just about to leave." She looks behind her and whispers, "Did Nicole call you?" I look at her with confusion and she pulls me into the apartment and rushes out. "Tell me about it later."
I walk towards my room to drop my bag before looking for Nicole. "You should check your surroundings when you come into the house." I jump at the sound of his voice. "Did you even see me sitting here?"
I don't move from my doorframe. "You just scared the shit out of me." Chris laughs and walks towards me. "What? When did you get here?"
; "I got in earlier today." He stands in front of me, giving me personal space but close enough for me to smell the scent of his cologne.
"Let me guess, Nicole let you in the house?" He nods. "The two of you really should stop corroborating."
"I had some free time at work and decided to make a trip down here before you started on exams. I know you'll be busy." He looks towards Nicole's door. "Then you'll be leaving and I wasn't sure if I was invited to your graduation."
"Chris? You had free time at work?" He hunches his shoulders.
"Nothing I can't do from here in Tallahassee. Technology is amazing, you know." He inches closer to me. "Can I kiss you?" I don't exactly say yes, but I don't say no. He backs me into my bedroom and closes the door behind him.
He wraps his hand around my head and pulls me into him with his lips approaching mine, and my mouth parts and accepts his kiss. I close my eyes and melt into his mouth, our tongues finding common ground. Surpassing our clumsiness we find our old routine, moving closer to each other until I can feel his heartbeat next to mine.
He pecks my lips and then pulls apart. My eyes open slowly and I look directly into his. "I hope that wasn't too much. If I don't ever get a chance to do that again I wanted at least one more kiss from you." He rubs his thumb across my ear. Since he left, we've been talking at least once a day. Nothing confirming where we are going but just getting to know each other again.
"What am I going to do with you?" I look up at him and admire the confidence I see staring back at me.
"Hopefully take me back." He pushes me back towards the bed. "Or at least let me have some break-up sex." I laugh at him and sit on the bed beside him.
He kisses my neck and pulls up my shirt. I let him continue down this path of no return. My thoughts are everywhere, but the one consistent thing is the throb between my legs and the beat of my heart.