“I cannot fix on the hour, or the spot, or the look or the words, which laid the foundation. It is too long ago. I was in the middle before I knew that I had begun.”
-Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice
“I’m leaving True North in two days,” I blurted on a sob, revealing what I’d only learned yesterday. I was being discharged on Monday. In two days, I’d be back in my cage, no closer to answers than the day I’d arrived.
“What?” His smile faded. “You’re leaving?”
Dammit. Shit. Hell.
“No,” I groaned into my hands. “I mean—yes—I mean, I can’t—”
Why was I making this difficult? He’d just peeled himself back layer by layer, while I’d nodded along and encouraged him to stop living in fear.
As if I had any idea what that was like. The bravest thing I’d ever done was throw a clod of dirt at Helen—not exactly the stuff of legends.
Killian loved me.
It was like breaking the surface to gulp in a lungful of air after a life spent underwater. The moment I’d imagined since I was nine. Only, instead of vomiting up my problems, I just told him I loved him too, and we lived happily ever after. But I could feel Tristan and the church lurking in the depths, waiting to drag me back down.
“Hey.” Killian cupped my jaw in his hand, tucking several strands of hair behind my ear. “It’s okay, you can tell me. It was a little sudden, right? I know you may not be to that place yet, but it just felt right to tell you here.”
If I’d just taken Tsega’s advice and come clean last weekend after Brad’s delightful little pop-in, we might have been making love in the locker room right now.
And if I was making a list of things to do over, I probably would have reconsidered my decision to leave Killian standing on first base as I fled toward the dugout.
“Ari?” He called out. “Where the hell are you going?”
I heard the confusion in his tone but kept jogging, hugging myself with clammy hands. It didn’t matter how hard I tried; I was always going to end up hurting him.
“No, I can’t,” I muttered to the field. “This place is sacred—I’m sorry—ruined everything.”
Pretend like Tristan doesn’t exist…
Pretend you’re not engaged…
Pretend you were never considering using Killian to escape…
Pretend like tonight isn’t the last time you’ll see him…
Instead of coming up with a plan, I’d been busy playing a game of make-believe, convinced I had more time. But my clock had officially run out.
“Just wait a damn minute,” He grumbled from a few yards behind me. “I can’t run!”
I slowed as I reached the dugout and balled my hands into fists, refusing to let myself cry.
You did this to yourself, you stupid, stubborn woman.
“Christ, I’m out of shape,” Killian panted as he approached, taking several deep breaths, before adding, “Care to tell me what the hell that was?”
I shook my head, not trusting myself to speak. Instead, I squinted at a bucket in the corner of the dugout and considered throwing up in it.
Without a word, he moved down the stairs. His steady hand landed on the small of my back, leading me through the clubhouse and toward the elevator.
“What are you doing?”
Killian closed his eyes for a brief second before lowering his gaze back to mine. “You need to talk, but you can’t do it here. So, I’m going to take you somewhere you can.”
I nodded and followed him inside the elevator, not missing the way his jaw flexed and tightened as he scanned his badge. He shoved his hands into his pockets and leaned back against the railing, studying me with a sober expression. “It’s your dad, isn’t it? He won’t let you be with someone like me.”
I winced. If a breaking heart had a sound, it would be Killian’s voice at this moment. “It’s complicated.”
You see, it’s kind of a funny story, but my father sold me to his best friend so he can expand his ministry. Hilarious, right?
“My dad and I didn’t see eye to eye on much of anything for a long time,” he admitted quietly. “We’re both pretty damn hardheaded, so naturally, we avoided taking any responsibility for the way things were. We wasted years fighting over the same old shit instead of sitting down to hash things out like adults.”
“And now?” It surprised me, as his father was typically a subject he tried to avoid at all costs.
Killian tilted his head to the side and cracked his neck, seemingly avoiding making direct eye contact with me. “Well, we finally put our egos aside long enough to talk. Figure we’ve still a long way to go, but we’re both willing to work on it.”
“Maybe I could do the same with your father.” He cleared his throat and lifted his shoulder in a shrug. “Sit down with him one-on-one, let him get to know me.”
I swallowed; my mouth suddenly dry. It would have been perfect had my father been anyone other than Tristan James. As it was, Killian could have been a saint. It wouldn’t have mattered. The money had already changed hands.
“What do you think?” His expression was earnest as it searched my face, and I had to look away. It hurt too much.
“Yeah, that could work,” I lied, forcing a smile. Inside, though, I was already grieving the loss of Killian. There was no scenario where either of us got what we wanted. With that, a dark cloud settled over me, tainting what should have been the happiest day of my life.
The elevator announced our arrival with a cheerful ding, but a storm was brewing in my head. Killian reached out to hold the doors open, and I shook myself from my thoughts long enough to follow him.
“Hey,” he murmured against my temple, draping an arm around my shoulders. “We’ll get through this. You’re not going to lose me, okay?”
My eyes welled up, but I set my jaw, blinking until my vision cleared.
A gray-haired security guard approached with a small wave. “You two kids all finished?”
Killian responded with an enthusiastic nod. “I think she saw it all, Pete. Hey, how’s Nat doing?”
“Oh, much better, Mr. Reed,” he responded as he unlocked the door. “They’re saying she’ll be back to a hundred percent soon.”
“Glad to hear it.” Killian turned his attention to me. “His daughter, Natalie, plays college softball up in Nebraska. During one of their practices, she fractured her non-pitching wrist sliding into home.”
“Oh, that’s terrible. I’m sorry.”
Pete playfully elbowed him. “Don’t let this guy fool you. He tracked down a trainer from one of the minor league teams up there—paid for the whole thing himself too—”
“Alright, Pete.” Killian clapped him on the shoulder with a strained smile. “You have really gotta stop drinking on the job, man. You’re talking complete nonsense.”
“What?” The guard shrugged. “I know a good one when I see one, kid.”
I did too, which was probably why it felt like there was a vice around my chest. Killian was the man I’d dreamt about since I was a little girl—the standard against which I’d measured everyone else.
The media cared about the uniform, completely unaware of the good and kind heart beating underneath. And I would never deserve him.
“Excuse me,” I said flatly, no longer recognizing the sound of my own voice. The glass was cold beneath my palms as I pushed the door open and ran toward the parking lot.
The wind caught my hair, tossing it against my face with stinging slaps, but I just pulled Tsega’s jacket tighter around my body and kept going.
I never should have stopped running.
I never should have let myself believe I could be happy. I’d never been anything more than an escaped convict on borrowed time. A prisoner who lacked the courage to fight back. I may have regained my voice, but it was just as small as ever.
Lightning forked through the clouds, closely followed by a booming clap of thunder that seemed to shake the ground.
“Ari!” Killian roared
over the impending storm. “Ari—wait!”
I lifted my arms in surrender as I turned to face him, giving myself up. “I’m not the woman you think I am! You were supposed to be a means to escape! Morgan, she had it all planned out—you were my path to freedom!”
He tensed at my words, before taking a step back, eyes blazing with a fierce intensity I’d never seen before.
I shoved the hair out of my eyes and exhaled a bitter laugh. “But I realized during Restaurant Night that I couldn’t do it. It’s not who I am. I should have told you a long time ago, but I was scared—terrified, actually. I’m not a brave person—I’m just not built for it!”
Another bolt of lightning streaked across the sky, and I glanced up. If it was all going to come crashing down on my head, I’d go to my grave with this, “I think you’re wonderful, Killian and tonight—” I gestured toward the stadium. “It was so perfect. No one’s ever done anything like this or made me feel even a fraction of what I do when I’m with you.”
My eyes filled as I ran the pad of my thumb over my wrist, drawing strength from his bracelet. I took a deep breath and prepared my heart to let him go… again. “But you deserve someone brave and honest—”
When his gaze flickered to mine, my breath caught. The walls had gone up. Only, this time, I was the outsider. I felt the pain I’d caused him under the weight of his glacial stare, as though a stake was being driven into my chest.
“Do you love me?” he asked gruffly.
My mouth opened and closed like a fish’s, before settling into a frown. It wasn’t what I’d expected. Once I recovered from the shock, I nodded.
“I do,” I admitted in a strangled voice. “I’m so in love with you, but I’m not good and you—”
He inched forward, slowly closing the gap between us. “Deserve better? Yeah, you said that already. So, were you planning on telling me you loved me?”
“N-no,” I stammered, shrinking back. My teeth began to chatter, and I hugged myself to keep warm. “I mean, yes—I don’t know!”
The wind strengthened, picking up dead leaves and scattering them across the parking lot, but Killian didn’t take his eyes off mine. “Why, Ari? Why wouldn’t you just tell me?”
“Why?” I roared in a voice laced with hysteria. “Because I’m an object, not a person! Don’t you see that? I’m never going to be free to make my own decisions because he’s never going to let me go! I couldn’t even escape when I had the damn key in my hand, Killian! What I feel or want—none of that matters to him!”
“It matters to me,” he bit out as he continued stalking toward me, his forehead creased in concern. “Dammit, you matter to me!”
I swallowed hard, entirely baffled by the admission. “But I’m—”
“The woman I’m in love with,” he finished for me, a small smile tugging at his lips. “I don’t give a damn about the rest, slugger.”
“But,” I protested, hearing the desperation in my tone.
Killian came to a stop just in front of me, close enough that the toes of my ballet flats were touching his boots. He reached forward to cup my jaw, his blue eyes glowing with affection as he drew me closer.
“I meant what I said. You aren’t going to lose me. Now, if keeping my word means going toe to toe with your father, I’ll do it. Trust me, I’m stronger than I look.” He flexed his bicep in demonstration before lowering his voice. “I know you’re afraid, but you’re not alone anymore, Ari. You’ve got me now, and if you trust me enough to give me your heart, just know I’ll guard it with my life.”
My heart throbbed painfully against my chest with a mounting sense of urgency and an overwhelming need to reveal myself. This man had scaled every wall, seeing me in ways no one ever had. Only a fool could have walked away.
I swallowed my doubts and lifted my face to his, completely vulnerable. “You’ve had my heart since I was nine. I thought you were the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I wanted you for my own, never dreaming in a million years we would meet again.”
His forehead furrowed in confusion. “Since you were nine—I don’t understand.”
He’d been the one constant in my life, the only decision that had ever truly been mine. So, gathering the last bit of courage I still possessed, I whispered, “Are you good?”
“Ari,” Killian exhaled my name, pulling me with him as he stumbled back a step. I reached up to grip his shoulders, holding him steady.
There was a second of tense silence. Then his arms were around my waist, and I was being crushed to his chest. “The song, it was you,” he murmured into my hair. “Christ, it was always you. You saved my life. You saved—”
I tilted my head back when his voice cut off, needing to see him—to make it okay. He was shaking his head in open-mouthed disbelief, his eyes glossy. My numb fingers smoothed over his stubbled jaw and face, brushing away the tears just like he’d done for me back in the stadium.
The sky chose that moment to open up, drenching us both in an icy shower. I blinked away the drops of rain caught on my lashes and rested my chin against his heaving chest, finding comfort in just being close to him.
Killian huffed a soft laugh and gazed down at me, his misty eyes darkening as they moved over my lips. “All of this—everything I have—it’s because of you, Ari.”
The ache in my chest migrated lower when his expression heated, my pulse quickening in anticipation. Instead of moving closer, he froze, his eyes filling with tears again. The surrounding squall faded into the background as I pushed myself up onto my tiptoes, pressing my lips to his.
While I took control and explored his mouth, he guided me backward across the parking lot with his hands on my waist. I licked along his bottom lip, and his grip tightened, squeezing as if he was afraid I might disappear.
I jumped when my back connected with something solid, before realizing we’d reached his truck. And then he was kissing me back. I opened up and let him in, my tongue darting out to meet his. The frenzied kisses of lust we’d shared before were just a flash in the pan compared to this. This was a steady shower of sparks, building into an all-consuming desire that coursed through my veins.
Killian’s hands moved beneath my soaked shirt, stroking my skin until heat pooled in my lower belly. I slipped my hands into the back pocket of his jeans and pressed my body to his, moaning as I felt him harden against me.
He trailed kisses over my face and jaw before pulling away with a pant. When he reopened his eyes, the distant smile faded from his lips. “Jesus, get in. You’re going to freeze to death if you stay out in this any longer.”
I mumbled nonsense in protest as he helped me into the passenger seat, using my frozen hands to try to guide his mouth back to mine. He stepped back with a low chuckle, chewing on his lower lip as he surveyed me. “Slugger, there’s no sense in either one of us getting hypothermia when my condo is just a few blocks away.”
23
Ariana
“So, I love you because the entire universe conspired to help me find you.”
-Paolo Coelho, The Alchemist
Killian handled the flooding streets with calm finesse, pulling up in front of his condo only minutes later. He tossed the keys to the valet, wearing the same determined expression as the night he’d pulled me into the backseat of his truck.
I dropped my hand into his when he opened my door, letting him lead me through the brightly lit lobby toward a bank of elevators.
It wasn’t until we were inside that I caught sight of my reflection in the mirrored doors. Wet hair clung to my face and shoulders, but it was the visible red scar running down the middle of my head that had my heart skipping a beat.
After risking a quick glance in his direction, I discreetly reached up to run my fingers through the dripping strands, fighting to cover the scar.
Maybe he hadn’t seen it.
Killian’s eyes met mine, his jaw tightening when he realized what I was doing. “Don’t,” he warned gruffly, tucking me into his side.
&
nbsp; I sucked in a breath and lowered my hand to his chest, shivering with the need to press my body against his in ways I didn’t fully understand. Maybe it was just the storm, or perhaps our confessions, but something had happened to us back in that parking lot. It was as if a weight had been lifted off both our shoulders.
He kept his focus on my face, watching me with an expression I couldn’t quite describe. It reminded me of the way strangers looked at Tristan. Adoration. Worship. It would have been wrong had it been anyone else but him.
By the time we reached his floor, the air between us was crackling with electricity. Killian released his protective hold on my hip just long enough to let us into his condo. I made it as far as toeing off my waterlogged flats when his mouth moved down my neck, not quite touching me, but close enough to cause another involuntary shiver.
“Here we are. Home sweet home.” He exhaled a soft laugh at my reaction and nipped my ear lobe, before leading me through the living room and into what I presumed was his bedroom.
Seeing no sense in arguing—none at all—I let him.
We didn’t stop at the bed, though, continuing on into the roomiest bathroom I’d ever seen. A large mirror backlit with tiny LED lights hung over the floating vanity and dual raised sinks, giving off just enough light to feel romantic.
“I imagine the acoustics in here are fantastic,” I mused with a grin, earning myself a wink from Killian.
My eyes lingered on the large freestanding tub in front of a wall of windows overlooking the city below, piquing some voyeuristic curiosity I’d been unaware existed until now.
Killian bypassed it for the large shower spanning the length of the back wall of the bathroom, though, cranking the knobs until water began spraying from multiple showerheads.
“Let’s get you warmed up.” He returned to my side and began rubbing my arms, his eyes narrowed in concern. “Do you feel okay? Dizzy? Do you want me to make you some tea?”
My mouth curved into a smile as he fussed over me. I wasn’t even cold anymore. In fact, certain areas of my body were quite toasty under the heat of his hands.
Through The Water: Fairest Series Book Two Page 28