by Brown, T. J.
She was breathing heavily, panic unraveling in the back of her mind.
“I know to quit when something isn’t working. It’s how I stay alive. You’re an aristocrat; I’m not and never will be. Hell, Rowena, your hats cost more than I make in a month! I don’t have the kind of money . . . ”
She wrenched her hands out of his. “I have my own money. I don’t need a man for money.”
“I should live off my wife’s money then?” His voice was indignant and Rowena closed her eyes for a moment.
“You don’t love me enough,” she finally said, her voice soft. “I thought you did, but you don’t. Not nearly enough.”
She turned then and walked toward the barn, her entire being hoping and praying that he would stop her, but knowing that he wouldn’t. Coward, she thought as she walked away. Bloody coward.
CHAPTER
NINETEEN
Endurance. Every day became an exercise in endurance for Victoria, who, like Robinson Crusoe, kept a tally of days hidden behind her cot. She would scratch out a vertical line with a hairpin she’d found in the chapel one morning and every Sunday she would scratch one diagonally across the six scratches to mark a week. It was her afternoon activity after her eyes finally gave out from reading.
Because she could only check out two books a week, she read them over and over, committing long passages to memory. Anything by Charles Dickens or Jane Austen was a treat, though she adored the newer books by E. M. Forster as well. Eleanor came to visit twice a week, ostensibly to give her a checkup, but mostly to give her news from her family and to relay news back.
Through Eleanor’s urging and patronage, Victoria was able to volunteer for a program educating inmates. Twice a week, a guard led her to the cafeteria, where they were supplied with old schoolbooks, papers, and pencils. She had three students that she tutored diligently, good girls, whose only crime was doing what they had to in order to survive abject poverty. Penelope was a former prostitute; Camilla stole food from the restaurant she worked in, food that was earmarked to be thrown away; and though Ann never mentioned why she was in prison, Victoria couldn’t imagine such a sweet girl doing anything illegal. The simple act of teaching these young women to read and write fulfilled her in ways she had never dreamed of, and she knew it was something she wanted to continue doing.
“There’s such a need,” Victoria told Eleanor, who had come by to give her a checkup.
Eleanor nodded. “In my neighborhood alone, the number of uneducated women is astonishing. I do what I can, but I am so busy giving medical checkups, I don’t have time for anything else.”
“What do you mean, medical checkups?” Victoria was curious. It seemed to her that Eleanor was always at the prison. How did she have time for anything else?
“There’s a settlement house in an old abandoned building down the block from me. Once a week, I give checkups and such. I beg, borrow, and do everything but steal medicine to hand out to those who can’t afford it.”
Victoria was intrigued. “What else do you do there?”
“Me? Oh, I don’t do anything else there, except attend when they have a speaker come in.”
“What kind of speakers?”
“Oh, no one well-known. Just people trying to help.” Eleanor pronounced her in good health and began putting her tools away.
“Maybe I could help once in a while,” Victoria suggested.
“Perhaps,” was all Eleanor said, and Victoria saw the wisdom in that. Hadn’t nearly all of Victoria’s own problems come from being too impetuous, allowing herself to be seduced by a cause—and a woman—she truly knew so little about? Not gaining counsel from those who had the wisdom to guide her?
Victoria saw all too clearly that her own quest for independence had been more childish rebellion than a sign of any true maturity on her part. She vowed that when she finally got out, things were going to be different. Her father had worked quietly and diligently to right the wrongs he saw in the world—not through splashy gestures, but instead by giving money and time to causes he thought appropriate and, she now realized, by educating his daughters, including Prudence, in a way that prepared them for the modern world.
She’d been so blind not to have seen all of this before.
After Eleanor had gone, she scratched another line into the whitewash covering the block walls. “Two more weeks,” she told herself. “Two more weeks.”
Nerves fought in her stomach with excitement. What would it be like to be out in the real world again? She had almost forgotten what it was like to turn on and off the lights at will.
She already knew what she wanted. She didn’t want to stay in London at all; she wanted to go directly to Summerset and spend the rest of the spring and summer there. She needed to spend time with her beloved nanny Iris and with Rowena. And she would think about her future.
She had sent word to Kit regarding her plans because she knew he would help her make it happen—no matter what the family said.
And Kit. What would she do with Kit? Did he love her? Or was his behavior merely the attitude of a protective best friend?
And more important, what would she do with his love if he offered it?
* * *
Prudence put the finishing touches on the cream cake she had made and decorated for Andrew’s party. Susie had gone back to Summerset earlier in the week, so Prudence had baked the cake herself under Muriel’s strict tutelage. It looked perfect, but the taste testing would have to wait.
Andrew had spent the last three days in Glasgow, sitting the examinations that would either place him in the Royal Veterinary College or show him what he was lacking and make him wait five months to try again.
Prudence didn’t know how he would handle failure. They had made friends from the college, a young couple who were sipping tea with Katie in the sitting room. The husband had to take the examination twice, but his family came from money and were able to fund an extra five months of study until he passed the exams. Prudence knew they could make it, too, but wasn’t sure how her husband would feel about living off his wife for even longer, especially after such an initial failure.
She closed her eyes and thought back on their conversation at the train station earlier that week, a conversation that had been a revelation for her. With her emotional turmoil over Rowena and Sebastian still roiling in her stomach, she had kissed her husband on the cheek and wished him well, but that hadn’t been enough for him. He’d taken her hands into his and bent his head down. His eyes had looked like green grass that morning and the quiet love she saw in them took her breath away.
“I know we didn’t get married under the best of circumstances and I don’t even know if I would have been your first choice.” She’d started to hush him but he stopped her with his finger. “No. Let me say this.” He took in a deep breath. “But that doesn’t matter to me. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make you happy. No matter what happens at the examination, I will always be grateful to the beautiful woman who gave me a chance, who believed in me like my own family never did.” He bent his head and kissed her gloved fingertips. Tenderness filled her heart, leaving no more room for guilt. Yes, she loved Sebastian. Part of her would always love Sebastian, but for the first time, she knew without a doubt that her choice had been the right one. She trusted her future in the strong, capable hands of this good, good man.
He’d sent a telegram saying he would meet her not at the train station but at home. He didn’t say whether he had passed the exams or not, and Prudence worried about her impromptu party. How would he feel if he didn’t pass? Would he appreciate that his wife believed in him no matter what, or would he be humiliated to have his failure paraded in front of their friends?
She glanced at the clock on the mantel behind the stove and hurried to the window. Mr. and Mrs. Cash stood talking with Katie and sipping their tea. Mr. Cash was finishing up his first year of veterinary school while Mrs. Cash minded babies for a small weekly stipend. “The less money we have to g
et from my in-laws the better,” she once said with a toss of her blonde head. Apparently they had not approved of their son’s wife.
“There he is!” Katie said, pointing.
Prudence followed her pointing finger and spotted him about a block away. His steps were slow and uncertain, and fear clutched at her heart. He did not look like someone with anything to celebrate.
It’s going to be fine, she told herself, though inside she was cursing herself for her spontaneous welcome-home party. She just wanted to show him how much she loved him. That even if she had had doubts in the past, she had pushed them aside. Andrew was her husband now. Not only was she building a happy life with him, but she was going to build a family with him as well. He deserved nothing less than her whole heart.
But nerves propelled her down the stairs and street. At least she would be able to warn him about the party.
He spotted her halfway down the block. She tried to gauge his success or failure by his face, but his hat shaded his eyes. He shook his head slowly and her heart plummeted. Oh, why, Lord? Why couldn’t you just let him pass? He is such a wonderful man.
She launched herself at him down the street, not caring what she looked like. He caught her in his arms. “Oh, my darling, I am so sorry. Next time. You will get it next time, right, but I have to tell you, I did something . . . ”
She paused and he looked down at her, his eyes grave. “What did you do? Buy a piano in place of a bed? Adopt a pet hippopotamus from the zoo? Tell me, love, what mischief have you been up to?”
She grabbed him by the lapels and shook him a bit. “No, of course not. I’m being serious.” She looked down at the ground. “I was so sure that you were going to pass your exams that I baked a cake and invited some friends over.”
There was a moment’s silence and then he put a finger under her chin and lifted her face to meet his gaze. “You mean you threw me a celebration party before you even knew for sure that I would pass?”
She nodded. To her surprise, tears welled up in his eyes. “I’m so lucky to have you, but you’re even luckier,” he said.
“Why is that?” she asked.
“Because I passed.”
Her heart thudded against her rib cage. “You passed?”
He nodded and she leapt into his arms for a moment before turning to their building and lifting a victorious fist.
Then she turned to him and hit him in the chest. “You’re horrible! I can’t believe you did that to me.”
He grinned, his green eyes laughing at her. “Just imagine. After four long years, I’ll be a veterinarian. Can you wait that long for a real home of your own?”
She nodded, more sure than she had ever been of her decisions. “Wherever you are will be our home,” she told him. Smiling, he took her hand and they headed to their flat.
* * *
Rowena sat in the conservatory and watched through the windows as Victoria and Kit strolled through the rose garden. The roses were just beginning to bloom, that moment when every blossom was precious and new, unlike later in June when the garden would be a riot of colors and scents.
Victoria had been home for almost two weeks. When Rowena had first seen her, she had broken down and cried at the number of delicate bones that stuck so prominently out of Victoria’s parchment paper–thin skin. She looked as if a stiff breeze would blow her away to a place where no one would ever be able to reach her again.
She even moved slowly, as if her bones were brittle and she were afraid of breaking. Not like her old self at all. Even Aunt Charlotte had cried, though she tried to hide it behind a handkerchief. Now she and Cook devoted hours planning food to put flesh on Victoria’s fragile frame. The family had never been privy to so many cream soups and rich desserts.
Rowena wondered what kind of changes had been wrought in Victoria that were unseen.
“Do you think he’s going to ask her to marry him?”
Rowena jumped as Sebastian came up behind her. She smiled and indicated the chair next to her. “I’m not sure. I think he would be wise to wait. She needs time.”
“She certainly seems changed, but how long do you think it will last?”
Rowena shrugged. “We can only guess at her experience and how it affected her. I know she’s a lot quieter and much more serious than she used to be.”
“Does she know about Martha and Lottie?”
Rowena took a deep, shuddering breath, tears at the edge of her voice. “I think she took their treatment of her worse than the prison sentence. They knew she was in prison but did nothing. They used her to get money for the cause and then disappeared when she needed them. She is such a trusting person. Or was.”
They sat in silence, watching as Victoria threw back her head and laughed at something Kit said. “You know I was really concerned when those two became friends. He’s such a cynical bastard. I was afraid he would hurt her.”
Sebastian snorted. “Now I’m rather worried it will be the other way around. He’s so smitten with her he can’t even see straight.”
“She always said she would never marry,” Rowena mused.
“If anyone will change her mind, it’ll be Kit. He has a silver tongue.”
Sebastian put his hand over hers and she looked up in surprise. “What about you, Rowena? What are you going to do?”
She laughed, though tears slipped down her cheeks. “Is it that obvious?”
“It’s hard to hide a broken heart.” He looked back out the window, though his eyes seemed blind to the beauty outside. “Trust me, I know.”
She turned her hand in his and gave it a warm squeeze. “We never did break off our engagement.”
He laughed softly. “No. Between Victoria and everything else, there just never seemed to be a good time.”
She nodded. “Well, no need to hurry on my account.” Bitterness laced her words. “It seems as if Jon can’t possibly get over the fact that I’m a Buxton.” She shrugged, her eyes welling with tears. After spending the last few weeks crying over a man who wouldn’t answer her letters, she had decided that she would no longer cry for him. He didn’t love her as much as she did him and that was that. She was just lucky their lovemaking hadn’t resulted in a child.
Sebastian said nothing, so she continued. “My family hurt his family, so apparently, we’re not allowed to be together, even though I told him I would walk away from my family for him.” She shrugged again and watched as Victoria and Kit disappeared behind a hedge of boxwoods.
Sebastian’s laugh echoed the bitterness in her voice. “Prudence wouldn’t trust me because of my position and wealth. Jon wouldn’t marry you or trust you because of your wealth, position, and name. Who would have thought that being rich and titled would cost us both the people we love?”
She shook her head. “Who indeed?”
“There’s no need to hurry on my account either. Prudence has been married for months now. There’s no going back.”
“No, there’s no going back,” Rowena said, though her heart ached at the thought of it.
“So we can just stay engaged, then?” His voice sounded casual, but there was something in it that caught her attention. She turned her head to see his face better. He stared toward the rose garden, his face still.
“What do you mean?” she finally asked.
“I think we make a good pair, Rowena. We have both been in love and have both had our hearts broken because of it, through no fault of our own. As an engaged couple, we’ll get a lot less harassment from our families, which I’m sure you’ll agree is a bonus.”
He turned to her then. “Right now, I can’t imagine ever feeling about someone the way I felt about Prudence, and I saw you with Jon. Can you ever love someone the way you loved him?”
Her breath caught and she shook her head.
“Do you want to end up alone?”
Again she shook her head.
“Neither do I. I think we could build a good marriage. A good life. Just think about it, Rowena, that’s all I
ask.”
She nodded, her throat constricting at his kindness. No wonder Prudence loved him. What had she been thinking when she walked away from someone who loved her so much? Or perhaps she’d never known the extent of his love for her. Rowena prayed that Andrew would make Prudence as happy as Sebastian would have. “I will,” she managed as soon as she could find the voice to speak.
He squeezed her fingers and they sat in silence until she heard footsteps behind her.
“I thought I would find you two out here,” her uncle Conrad said. “Would you mind if I joined you?”
He pulled up a wicker chair and looked out over the gardens. “Your father redesigned the rose garden when he was just sixteen,” he said after a moment. “Our father didn’t want to make any changes to the estate, but Mother saw Philip’s vision and insisted. And it turned out far more beautiful than it had been.”
He was quiet as a maid brought them a silver tray with a pot of tea and cups. Rowena smiled her thanks as the maid handed her a cup. When she had gone, her uncle turned to her. “I fear I’ve rather neglected my duty as your uncle these past few months.” Rowena tried to interrupt, but he held up a hand. “No, I know it’s true. I’ve been occupied with business and distracted by my own grief. I know you think I’m a hard man and in many ways I am, but I do love my family and try to do what is right by them.”
He paused and Rowena’s eyes widened. Could this be her staid, traditional uncle speaking this way? She turned to Sebastian but he shook his head, as bewildered as she was.
“You have spent most of the winter desperately unhappy and don’t think I don’t understand the part I played in your unhappiness.”
Rowena’s pulse raced. Prudence. He was talking about Prudence. Would he say her name?
“But I rarely waste time regretting my behavior, far preferring to make amends.”
So no. Even now, after Prudence was so helpful with Victoria’s internment, he couldn’t bring himself to say her name.
“I don’t understand, Uncle Conrad.”
He smiled at them both. “I cannot describe how happy I was to find that you two had made the match.” He nodded at Sebastian. “You and Elaine both know your mothers have been plotting your marriage for years, but I feel that you and Rowena are far better suited to each other. You are both far more thoughtful than my frivolous girl and I think you will take your roles seriously, within your modern sensitivities, of course.”