by Amy Reece
***
I was sitting on the couch, channel surfing, avoiding homework, and brooding when the doorbell rang.
“Ally, can you let Brian in, please? Tell him I’ll be down in a few minutes. I can’t decide what to wear,” my mom called from upstairs.
This guy really had her wound tightly. First naps and now she was indecisive about her wardrobe? This was not like the confident, calm woman I knew as my mother. “Come in, Brian,” I said as I opened the door for him. “Mom will be down in a few. Have a seat. You want anything? Water? A Coke?”
“No thanks, Ally. Actually, I’m glad to get a chance to talk to you privately.”
Uh oh. Was this about to get awkward? Was he going to try to bond or ask for her hand or something? I motioned for him to sit down on the couch as I sat in the nearby chair.
“Yeah, so I was doing some follow-up work on the Ashley Hayes case today and your name came up.” Apparently I had it all wrong. This wasn’t about Mom. It was about me, and it wasn’t going to be a heart-warming moment. He took his phone out and pulled up a picture of the business card Tara had given Scott. Busted. “Imagine my surprise when I’m questioning a former suspect in the Ashley Hayes disappearance, now the Ashley Hayes murder, and I find out a couple of teenage girls, from a high school newspaper no less, beat me to it. Imagine my further surprise when I find out one of them is the daughter of my girlfriend.”
I said nothing. I simply looked down at my slippers.
“Are you even on the school newspaper? Jennifer has never mentioned it, and she talks about you all the time.”
Well, that was sweet. And frightening to think my mom had nothing better to talk about on her dates than her kid. “Well, I’m not exactly on the newspaper, but I thought it would be um, interesting to maybe do a paper or something on the case. I mean, since it happened in my school and all.” I was making this up on the fly.
“Ally, you and your friend are absolutely not to interfere with a police investigation. Do I make myself clear?” he said sternly.
“Crystal. I’m sorry. We didn’t mean to interfere. I’m really interested in um, law enforcement, and I was hoping maybe you could be a sort of um, mentor, since you’re getting to know my mom so well. It would be great if you and I could get to know each other, you know?”
I have absolutely no doubt Brian saw through this piece of complete bullshit and recognized it for the veiled threat it was: play nice and I will put in a good word for you with Mommy. Be difficult and the darling, adored daughter will be sure to put a few roadblocks up. We simply stared, daring the other to be the first to flinch. I chose to take it as testimony to his love for my mother that he was the first to blink.
“Mentor, huh? You’re interested in law enforcement? Well, fine. I guess I can arrange for you to do a few ride alongs. It’s this case, specifically, you’re interested in?”
I nodded. “Thanks, Brian. I bet my mom is gonna think it’s sooo sweet of you.”
He chuckled and shook his head. I liked to think he would not underestimate me again. I felt pretty badass at the moment. He brought me back to earth pretty quickly. “Your little private investigation is over as of this minute, however. If I find out you’re doing any snooping behind my back, this arrangement is over. Got it?”
“Yep. Got it. I better see what’s keeping my mom.” I scooted up the stairs, but not before I glimpsed a grudging half-smile from Brian. I found my mom lying on her bed in tears. “Mom? What’s wrong? Are you okay? Brian is downstairs waiting.”
She sniffed. “I don’t have anything to wear. Go tell him to go home.”
“What? Mom, you have tons of cute outfits. Don’t you want to go out? Are you guys fighting or something?”
“No. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, Ally. I can’t pull it together tonight.” She reached for a tissue and dabbed her eyes.
“Here, let me help. Let’s find you something to wear, okay?” I went to her closet and found a newish dress Grams had given her for Christmas. “Put this on. It makes your boobs look great. Brian will love it.” She laughed, as I had intended, but she complied and put on the dress. It did make her boobs look good, a lot better than I remembered. It gave me a momentary hope someday I wouldn’t be completely flat. “Yowzer. Brian may like this too much. Can I borrow it for my date with Jack tomorrow? It does great things for your rack, Mom.”
She laughed again. “Thanks, sweetie. Help me fix my face? I don’t want to look like I’ve been crying. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. You must think I’m crazy.”
“Yeah, a little bit, but hey, love makes us crazy, huh? You love this guy?” I used what I learned from Sephora to apply eye shadow to her lids, giving her a smoky-eye look, then finished with some dramatic eyeliner.
She sighed. “Yeah, I really do. Are you good with that? Do you like him?” she asked worriedly.
“Yeah, he’s great.” I wouldn’t let her know about our ‘understanding.’ It could be our little secret. “Go for it, Mom. You should be happy.” She hugged me and I heard another sniff. “No more tears! I just repaired your face. Now get out of here and go meet your boyfriend.” I almost choked on the last word. Am I the only one who thinks there should be another word for people over thirty? Gross. I watched from the top of the stairs as Brian pulled my mother into his arms and kissed her. It was the kind of kiss that made my stomach flip; it was so sweet. He pulled back and put his hand on her face, tracing the tears, which were making another appearance.
“Hey, what’s wrong, sweetheart?”
She shook her head and hugged him. “It’s nothing. I had a rough day, that’s all. I’m fine.”
“Okay. Hey, I love you.” He kissed her again.
Well, I better get to know him. It looked like he was going to be around for a while.
***
Unfortunately, Jack remained distant. Oh, on the surface everything seemed fine, but the change was there. He came over to do homework, but there was no cuddling and talking afterward; he simply packed up and left. At school, he still held my hand in the hall and sat with us at lunch, but more often than not he would leave early. I was trying to be understanding and let him know I was there for him, but I was starting to lose patience. I had no idea what the status of his relationship with his dad was because he wouldn’t talk about it. It would be a whole lot easier if I didn’t care so much, and I got the distinct feeling it was exactly what he was hoping for: that I would stop caring and pushing and simply give up. If I truly felt like that’s what he wanted I would do it, but Tara and Grams assured me he still looked at me like he loved me. They both said they could see so much pain in his eyes; so could I.
Valentine’s Day was around the corner and I figured this could be a perfect time to rekindle the romance with Jack and do some of the pushing Grams had talked about. I had Tara help me devise a plan that was sure to put any thought of his father out of his mind, at least for one night. We were on the way to Manny’s shop so I could tell him about our upcoming date, since he wasn’t answering my calls lately.
“Now, get in there, tell him about the date, and don’t take no for an answer. Got it? I’ll distract Mat for you.”
“Wow. Way to take one for the team,” I replied. I was strangely nervous; this was Jack, the guy I was in love with, but he had been so distant lately. I didn’t know how much more of the brush-off I could take before I ran away with my tail between my legs.
We arrived at the shop way too soon and Shelly waved us to the back. Mat saw us as soon as we stepped in, coming over to greet us.
“Now this is exactly what I needed this afternoon: two beautiful girls to liven up this boring shop.” At his words, Jack turned around, smiling when he saw me. His smile still took my breath away, but it faded too soon. I walked over to him, leaving Tara to occupy Mat.
“Ally, what’s up?” I couldn’t help but notice he didn’t try to kiss me. Crap. This was more serious than I thought. Now I was scared. Was he really trying to pull away?
Was I simply too dense to see he wanted out of this relationship?
“Oh, I wanted to stop by and talk about our plans for this Friday and I’ve had a hard time getting you on your cell lately.” I looked into his face for some sign, anything, that would tell me he wasn’t pulling away.
“Friday? Um, I don’t think I’ll be able to do anything.” He wouldn’t even meet my gaze.
“Jack, it’s Valentine’s Day,” I whispered. “Please.”
“Oh. Yeah, okay. Sorry, I forgot. I’m sorry, Ally,” he whispered back.
“So, can you go?”
He swallowed. “Yeah, sure. Of course.”
I didn’t say anything; I threw myself into his arms and kissed him. I didn’t give him a chance to say no. He kissed me back, a little desperately it seemed, clutching the back of my shirt. I put everything I had into the kiss and I didn’t care who was watching. I felt like I was fighting for everything we had together. Too soon he pulled away, resting his forehead against mine, swallowing hard again. “I love you, Jack.” I wasn’t going to make this easy for him; this was worth fighting for, damn it! Why couldn’t he see it?
He nodded, but he didn’t say it back. My heart was breaking into small pieces. “Just text me the details, okay?” he said as he pulled away.
I nodded, trying not to cry. “Tara, you ready?”
“Yeah, let’s go,” she called as she pulled her hands out of Mat’s.
“So, I’ll pick you up at seven, Tara. We’ll have a great time!” Mat called as we left.
“Did you actually agree to go out with Mat?” I asked as we got into her Jeep.
“Yes, and I can’t begin to tell you how much you owe me for that,” she spat at me. “Talk about taking one for the team! It’s the only way I could get him to leave you and Jack alone. Tell me it was worth it.”
“I’m not sure. He did agree to go out on Friday, but he didn’t seem really thrilled about it. Tara, I think I’m losing him,” I cried.
“Hey, I saw the way he was kissing you. It didn’t look like you were losing anything. It was hot, let me tell you.” She fanned her face.
“Yeah, but it felt like a goodbye.” My voice trembled as I spoke.
“Hey, no way! Don’t think like that. You have a great date planned for Friday. And if it doesn’t work, we’ll take the more direct route,” she promised.
“Such as?”
“Direct confrontation, calling him on all this bullshit. You will demand answers.”
“I hope it doesn’t come to that,” I said, looking out the window. I wanted to go back to the time before his dad came back into his life. We had been so happy and I wanted it back. I was willing to do whatever it took, but I wasn’t sure what that was. “So, where is Mat taking you? I can’t believe you agreed to go out with him just for me.”
She looked, I don’t know, guilty? “Oh, well, yeah. Of course. I would do anything for you.”
Hmmm. I got the distinct feeling she wasn’t as upset about this date as she should have been. This could be interesting. “I want to hear all about it tomorrow.”
“Of course. It won’t amount to much. I’ll let him down easy,” she assured me.
Uh huh. Sure she would.
***
I could hardly wait to pump her for info about her date with Mat the next day at lunch. I made a beeline to our table and sat down next to her while Jack headed off to buy lunch, something he had started doing since his dad showed up. “So, how was it?”
“How was what?” It was Rémy, of course, butting his way into the conversation as usual.
“Tara had a date last night,” I delightedly informed him.
“But how is that possible since I was busy elsewhere?” He appeared outraged, but I could tell it was an act. He took Tara’s hand and kissed it. “I am desolate, chérie.” He looked at me and winked.
“She had a date with Jack’s cousin, Mat. You remember him from the night at the movies?” I asked.
“But of course. He was with the lovely Lynette, no?” Amazing that Rémy got her name right.
“Yeah, how was the big date?” Jack asked as he sat down with his lunch. “Mat hogged the bathroom all evening. I couldn’t even get a shower. I hope the aftershave he slathered on wore off before he picked you up.”
Tara looked a little bit like a deer in the headlights as we all stared at her, waiting for her to respond. “Um, it was fine, actually. Mat was really nice and he, uh, he smelled fine.” She winced as she said this last bit as Jack and Rémy both laughed. I gave her a sympathetic look and mouthed ‘later.’ She nodded gratefully.
***
I finally got more of the story that night on the phone. I lay sprawled across my bed and got her on FaceTime. “So, spill. I’ve been waiting all day to hear about it.”
“It wasn’t terrible. He was pretty nice. We went to dinner and then he took me bowling.”
“Bowling?” It was hard to imagine my stylish best friend doing something as mundane as bowling.
“Yeah.” She laughed. “It was quirky and kind of fun. I haven’t been for years. He was terrible, but he was really good about laughing at himself. It was a lot of fun.”
“Wow,” I said. “It sounds great. So, did he kiss you?”
“No. It wasn’t that great.”
“Well, are you going to go out again? Did he ask?”
“Um, we left it kind of open, actually. Oh, I don’t know, Ally. He’s not what I expected, you know? I thought it would be miserable and we wouldn’t have anything to talk about, but it was actually kind of fun. He’s a lot different when he’s by himself. He was really easy to talk to,” she admitted.
“Well, I think it’s great, Tara. I’m not even going to tease you about it. He’s a really nice guy and he’s been good for Jack.”
“Thanks, Ally. It’s kind of embarrassing, you know? I mean, after I made such a big deal about not liking him.”
“Hey, what are best friends for?” The thought of us dating cousins was amazing. Now, I had to convince Jack to get back with the program.
***
I had prepared for Friday, Valentine’s Day, all week. I planned to have him pick me up after work and then we would have dinner at El Patron, where we had first danced together. Then we would take the tram up to Sandia Peak and enjoy the romantic view. I hoped to remind him of all the best things about our relationship.
Of course, it didn’t work out like I had planned. The stars seemed to be aligned against me from the get-go. First, he was more than a half hour late picking me up so we missed our reservation. When we got to the restaurant, the wait was nearly an hour. We sat in stony silence for the most part, every conversational volley on my part met with monosyllabic answers on his. Then, he picked a fight. He said we shouldn’t have even tried to go out on Valentine’s Day because it was sure to be crowded everywhere. We were finally seated, but so far away from the dance area it didn’t begin to resemble the time we had been there with Megan. Everything was falling apart, and I couldn’t manage to keep my temper any longer. “Fine, Jack. I get it, okay? Let’s just finish dinner and then you can take me home.”
He pulled up in front of my house and turned the car off. Normally, this would be the time for heated kisses, trying not to let ourselves go too far. Tonight, it was the time for cold silence in the car. “Jack, what’s happening to us?” I whispered in the dark.
“I don’t know. I’m sorry. I need some time, Ally. I think we should take a break. I can’t deal with everything right now.”
“What?” I cried. “What does that mean? What kind of break? Why?”
He rubbed his hands over his face in frustration. “I don’t know, Ally. I just can’t handle everything right now. I think… I need to be by myself for a while.”
“But…I love you, Jack. I thought you loved me. People in love are supposed to help each other deal with the crappy stuff in their lives. You don’t…you don’t love me anymore? You don’t want me?”
“God, Ally.
I don’t know what I want right now. Everything feels so out of control right now. I’m so messed up and I don’t know what I’m feeling.” I could see his eyes shining and his lips starting to tremble. “I can’t do this anymore.”
So this was it. He was breaking up with me. He didn’t want me anymore. Oh, God. I needed to get out of the car. Right. Now. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think. I fumbled for the door handle, desperate to get out. He followed me to the front door.
“Ally, I’m sorry. I—”
“I have to go, Jack.” I tried to hold back my tears. “Please let me go,” I begged, squeezing my eyes shut.
He nodded, motioning for me to go in. As I closed the door, I got a last glimpse of his face. It was no consolation, but he looked as miserable as I felt.
Can I just say that Valentine’s Day sucks?
I made it inside and raced to the downstairs bathroom to throw up the little bit of food I had been able to eat at dinner. I curled up on the floor by the toilet and cried hysterically, making myself sick again. That’s how Grams found me when she came in from the senior citizen’s Valentine’s mixer she had been attending. She managed to get me to the couch and held me while I cried some more. I wasn’t coherent enough to talk, but she figured out the gist of what had happened. I finally cried myself to sleep and woke up Saturday morning to a quiet house and a hollow chest.
CHAPTER TEN
“Thou art a soul in bliss; but I am bound
Upon a wheel of fire, that mine own tears
Do scald like molten lead.”
–Shakespeare –King Lear (4.7.46)
The next few days were a blur. I spent Saturday and Sunday in my room, lying on my bed, staring at the ceiling. I only came out for meals so Grams and Mom wouldn’t come in to get me, but I merely pushed the food around on my plate. I cried myself to sleep each night and was late getting up Monday morning. The worst part of the day was physics, where Jack and I were lab partners. We couldn’t get out of it, so we worked together with as little communication as possible. It was awful. Lunch was terrible. I hadn’t told anyone, not even Tara, that Jack and I had broken up. She was shocked when I showed up at the lunch table by myself.