by India Millar
Her mother died after giving birth to her youngest brother. I stared at her in disbelief as she stated the fact baldly and then rattled on with the rest of her tale. I often thought of my own mother. Wondered where she was. If she was still with her foreign Barbarian – my unknown father. If she was happy. If she ever wondered about me, her abandoned daughter. Occasionally, if I was very sure I would not be interrupted, I held imaginary conversations with her, asking her all the questions I had asked myself. Strangely, she gave me different answers each time. But Fumie seemed to be totally unconcerned about her own mother. Perhaps it was because she was dead. Fumie didn’t have to wonder where she was, what had become of her. I doubted if Fumie ever really spared a thought for anybody but herself. Of course, that was something else I was wrong about, but at the time I had no idea.
Anyway, there Fumie was with a father and four brothers but no mother. Her father soon took another wife, as was only natural, and it was that wife who was Fumie’s downfall. That woman, as Fumie referred to her, was from a much lower class than her father. She was the young widow of a rich merchant who brought not only wealth to the union but two daughters of her own. According to Fumie, her new sisters were plain and untalented. Her new mother was bitterly jealous of her beautiful, clever new child.
Soon after her father married again, Fumie found her life changing. Her father no longer had time to listen to her play and sing. In fact, he appeared to have lost all interest in his only daughter. Bewildered, Fumie began to hang around him, as she put it, “trying to make him love me again,” but I guess she just managed to irritate him with her continued cries for attention. In any event, after a few months Fumie was summoned by her father and was introduced to an older woman she had never seen before.
“She was very well dressed,” Fumie said. “But in a terribly showy sort of way, and she wore too many pins in her wig. Father said she was to be my new mother and I must be sure to do as she said. I was bewildered. I already had my own mother and father’s new wife, so why did I need yet another mother? The woman waved at me to come to her and she put her face so close to mine that I could feel her breath. She was very rude, but father had said I was to do as I was told, so I stood still while she prodded and poked at me. She finally asked Father if I was whole, and he was very angry and said of course I was. I had no idea what she meant. Anyway, she said that I would do and Father told me I was to go with her, that I was going to be trained as a geisha, and I would become very famous and have lots of men who wanted to marry me.” Fumie smirked and lifted her chin, playing to an invisible audience. “So I went with the woman and she brought me to Edo. I didn’t stay with her long. After a couple of weeks, Auntie came to have a look at me and took me to the Green Tea House, and here I am. Father was right, of course. I am a geisha, I am famous, and lots of patrons want me for themselves.” She touched her face in an odd gesture, as if her fingers could confirm what she already knew – that she was indeed beautiful. The same fingers wandered to her wig and stroked a beautiful red comb. Seeing me watching her, she smiled, but not too widely. It was important not to crack her carefully made up face.
“My red combs are made of kingfisher beaks. They’re terribly expensive. A patron gave me a set, two for each day of the week. Aren’t they gorgeous?”
I nodded, although privately I felt that the kingfisher beaks would have looked much better if they were still attached to the kingfishers. I did not envy Fumie her trophy. Had they been mine I would always have felt guilty about the beautiful birds that had been slaughtered for my whim.
Mistaking my lack of enthusiasm for her combs for doubt, Fumie pouted and repeated her words. “I am very famous, you know. Patrons come from all of Edo for me. Auntie said I got the highest fee ever for my mizuage.”
She seemed totally untroubled by any memories of her mizuage. Nor, I thought sadly, did she appear to understand that having many patrons was not quite the same thing as men queuing to marry her. But Fumie was so shallow, I wondered if she even understood the difference. She certainly seemed less than heartbroken at being parted from her family.
Strangely, Fumie suddenly stopped visiting me. I was surprised at first, but then shrugged it off. No doubt Fumie had gotten tired of me or perhaps had been given a pet puppy or monkey that had taken my place.
I was wrong about that, too.
When Fumie did come back to the Hidden House, a blind man could have seen that something had happened to her. Always beautiful, now she was radiant and could hardly contain her happiness. As soon as my screen was closed, she blurted out that she was in love. My heart sank.
“One of your patrons?” I asked hopefully.
Fumie laughed at me. “Those old men? Of course not! He’s a student. Barely older than me. From a really good family. And so handsome, Midori! I fell in love with him the moment I saw him, and he feels the same about me.”
I could have shaken the silly bitch. Not that it would have done any good, of course. Once Fumie’s idiotic mind was made up, nothing could dissuade her.
“Well, that’s lovely for you,” I said cautiously. “But there’s not a lot you can do about it, is there? I mean, you owe Auntie everything. The only way you can get out of the Green Tea House is if a danna buys you out.” A sudden thought struck me, and I asked hopefully, “You say he’s from a good family? Is he wealthy enough to buy you out?”
Fumie giggled. Charmingly, of course. “Oh, no. He’s got no money himself. Only what his father gives him. He’s not going to have much money at all until he leaves university.”
I stared at her in disbelief. Could even Fumie be this stupid? But apparently she could. She rattled on happily.
“We met by the river when I was on a trip with a patron. I felt him watching me, and he followed us back to the Green Tea House. He couldn’t afford a geisha, of course, certainly not me, but he sneaked about, waiting until I saw him through the window, and that was that. We chatted and I loaned him some money so that he could come in the front door and he bought me for the evening.”
Even for Fumie, this was too much. She had paid the boy to buy her services? I wanted to bang my head on the floor.
“We’re going to elope, Midori. Once we’ve been together for a few days, Auntie will have to accept it, and so will his father. When we’re married, his father will let him have his inheritance early, so we’ll have plenty to live on. I’ve got it all worked out.”
I went from exasperated to horrified in the space of a few words. “No, Fumie, no. That is not going to work. Auntie will never let you go. She will find you and bring you back and punish you. And your boy’s father will never allow him to marry a geisha. This is the stuff of the kabuki, not real life. Listen to me, please.”
But Fumie would not listen. She shrugged aside all my worries and said I was jealous of her. I hid my head in my hands and wept, but still Fumie would not listen. Worse still, she wanted me to help her.
She had hatched a hare-brained scheme whereby she was to hide in my room until the Green Tea House was shut up for the night. Once it was safe, I was to let her out of the Hidden House and her boy would be waiting for her. They would then run away together, out of the Floating World. In vain did I tell her that it would not work. That even if I could get her out of the Hidden House without being seen, she would not get out of the Floating World. The gates were shut at midnight and only opened to let late-leaving patrons out. A geisha would be marched sharply back to her Tea House.
She simply looked at me mulishly. “I don’t care what you say. I’m going to do it. Whether you help me or not.” She stood and stomped out and that was the last I saw of Fumie.
We heard the tale, of course. Somehow she had got herself out of the Green Tea House. But her boy was not waiting for her, and once outside, on her own, Fumie had no idea what to do or where to go. She wandered off, probably looking for her lover, and found herself back at the river, at the same spot where she had first seen him. She simply stayed there, all night. That w
as where the Boys caught up with her. It must have been true that Auntie loved her, as we heard that the Boys had been instructed to bring Fumie back and to treat her gently. Whether they would have obeyed her instructions or not, nobody was ever to find out.
True to her creed of making sure that everybody noticed her right until the last minute of her life, Fumie saw the Boys approaching her and managed to climb onto the parapet of the bridge, where she teetered, shouting at them to leave her alone or she would jump. By that time, of course, a large crowd had gathered.
Apparently the Boys tried to talk some sense into her, but as soon as they came within touching distance, Fumie carried out her threat and jumped.
I think, to this day, that she had no real intention of committing suicide. She was always the center of attention and enjoyed being a spectacle. But instead of the reasonably shallow water Fumie had anticipated, the river at that point surged into a deep basin. Even worse, the water was choked with sharp-edged trailing weeds, weeds that clutched and kept whatever they caught. Her kimono and under clothes were heavy, and within seconds she had sunk below the water. She couldn’t swim, of course, but it would not have made any difference if she could. The river wanted her, and the river took her.
We heard that the Boys dashed down to the river edge and dived in. They must have been truly terrified of Auntie’s wrath because they could not swim either. But it was no good. The river wasn’t about to give up its prize easily, and it was nearly a week later that poor Fumie’s body washed up, well down from the outskirts of Edo.
She had left the Floating World after all, but not as she had expected.
Fumie’s death provided gossip for the girls for weeks. Although they had not really known her, I could not understand how they could treat it so lightly. I was deeply upset, both for poor, silly Fumie and for what I saw as my part in the tragedy.
Over and over again I wondered, if I had helped her would it have been different? Would she still be alive? The thought would give me no peace. Eventually, I decided it was my fault. I might not have actually killed Fumie, but if I had given way and helped her, then she would not be dead.
My fault. All my fault.
Ironically, as it turned out, it was down-to-earth Carpi who stopped me worrying myself into the grave along with Fumie.
“What are you moping about for? I can’t remember when I last saw you smile.”
I glared at her indignantly. “You seem to have forgotten that Fumie was my friend. I blame myself that she’s dead.”
Carpi stared at me, frowning, and then her expression softened the slightest bit. It was enough. I started pouring out the tale of Fumie and how I had ignored her plea for help. When I was finished, Carpi shook her head.
“Nothing to do with you,” she said firmly. “If you had managed to keep her hidden and got her out, her boy would still not have been there, would he? And you knew Fumie better than the rest of us. Do you really think it would ever have entered her empty little head to just go back to the Green Tea House? That would have been too tame for her. Oh no. No matter what, she would have made sure to make a feast of it. It’s that bastard she thought she was in love with who should be weeping. Did you know he was betrothed to another girl all along?” I shook my head, incredulous. “Well he was. His father had arranged the marriage years ago. He never had any intention of eloping with Fumie. He just couldn’t believe his luck when she fell for him.”
“The bastard!” I said bitterly.
Carpi shook her head. “What can you expect? We live in a man’s world. No matter what, we are at their beck and call. If we were noblewomen and free, we would still be expected to marry whoever our father wanted us to marry, no matter how old and ugly he was. Remember that, Midori No Me. At least we get paid for our services. It’s more than most women do.”
She leaned forward and rubbed her cheek against mine, and I smiled, albeit sadly. But I was eternally grateful for her common sense.
And now history had repeated itself. I still couldn’t believe that Carpi, of all people, had run away. Nor that – yet again – I had denied help to a friend.
The Boys found her. Carpi was bought back in the late afternoon some two days after she vanished. We were all astonished that she had managed to evade capture for so long. In spite of all Auntie’s warnings, the gossip filtered down immediately. Carpi had been found living with a tribe of wandering burakumin on the outskirts of Edo. Whether she had gotten so far on her own or had been taken up by the burakumin was not known.
What we did find out was that Auntie had spoken to her and Carpi had told her that she would run away again as soon as she had the chance. I heard this from Suzume, who had been mending a tear in a kimono in Auntie’s sitting room when the Boys brought Carpi back. I was stricken by guilt. Poor Carpi had gone back to the only people who had ever looked after her. At least, looked after her better than I had.
None of us dared leave our rooms. Even though Carpi was – had been – Auntie’s favorite, even though she was ill, she would have to be punished. Auntie would not, could not, let her off lightly. Auntie would see it as her duty to punish Carpi, and nothing would lessen that punishment.
So we all sat in our rooms, our fingers in our ears, our head buried our futons as we tried not to hear Carpi’s screams. Auntie had let the Boys loose on her. Both of them.
I felt Carpi’s pain even more than the rest of the girls. I sobbed to myself, wishing that I had done as Carpi had asked. That I had helped her to ease her way painlessly out of a world that had become anathema to her. Wished that I hadn’t failed her, just as I had failed Fumie. I felt every cruelty the Boys inflicted on her in my own body.
When Carpi had no breath left to scream and could only sob, I waited until I was sure that the Boys had gone. As much as I wanted to run to Carpi, to shout at the Boys to stop, to leave her alone, I could not make myself move, knowing perfectly well that if I tried to interrupt them the Boys would turn on me, gladly.
I hated them both more than I had ever hated anybody in my life, and I vowed that if it was ever in my power, I would avenge my Older Sister for every moment of hurt they had inflicted on her.
When I heard the Boys leave – laughing together – I forced myself to get up and go to Carpi. I was oddly pleased that I was on my own and that the other girls had not dared to come. Only little Suzume joined me at Carpi’s door, and we looked at each other fearfully before we dared enter.
Carpi had rolled herself in her bedding and was as still as death. We kneeled down beside her, one on each side, and I pulled the uppermost futon away from her face gently. For a moment, I thought she was not breathing. And I was glad of it. Glad for her. Then I realized that I was wrong, that she was breathing, but very shallowly. Very carefully.
With Suzume’s help, I got the bedding pulled back. Carpi was naked, and tears poured down my face as I saw the hurt that the Boys had inflicted on her poor body. They had been careful to leave no bruises, no cuts, but Carpi was bleeding badly both from her private parts and her rear. Without being asked, Suzume got up and ran to bring a bowl of warm water and cloths, and between us we did our best to clean and soothe Carpi.
Eventually, she opened her eyes a crack and tried to speak. I shushed her and nodded.
“Older Sister. I am sorry. More sorry than I can ever tell you. If I had helped you when you asked me, this would not have happened.”
Carpi shook her head slowly and put her hand on my arm. My guilt doubled. Carpi was trying to calm me, to tell me it was not my fault.
“This will not happen again. I promise you. I will not fail you this time.”
Carpi closed her eyes and breathed noisily through her mouth. I realized with a sweep of pity and anger that one of her front teeth had been knocked almost out and was thrusting sideways into her gum. One more small hurt in the panoply of great ones.
I looked at Suzume, willing her to help. She glanced at Carpi grimly and nodded.
“Whatever you need, Midori No
Me. I will help.” She smiled thinly. “After all, it doesn’t matter what the Boys do to me, I will not feel it.”
I held Carpi’s poor, useless little hand and kissed it, and she drew a deep sigh.
I took Suzume into my confidence and explained how I had let Carpi down. She didn’t bother to try and make me feel better, but simply said that this time there would be two of us, and between us we would help Carpi to the next world. I was so relieved. I almost cried all over again.
Although the other girls knew I had been to Carpi, they asked me nothing. It was as if Carpi was already dead to them. Perhaps she was. In any event, I prayed on my knees to Auntie´s household gods that Suzume and I were doing the right thing and that we would be successful.
I gave Suzume some coins from the little stash I had been given as presents by my patrons, and she said she would go to the apothecary as soon as she could slip away. I would willingly have gone myself, but Suzume said it would be better if she went. My absence would be noticed, hers would not. In spite of her confident words, I was nearly sick with nerves by the time she got back.
I was determined that – this time – everything would be done correctly, that Carpi would die with dignity and no pain. She had surely suffered enough already.
Suzume and I crept into her room that night, when everybody else had gone to bed. It was very late as a number of the girls had entertained patrons until the early hours. It was probably only my imagination, but I was sure that every single one of them was awake and holding their breaths in the privacy of their own rooms. I spared a quick prayer for my own interests, asking the gods to make them keep whatever knowledge they had to themselves.