Baba watched their reaction with amusement, then handed me the heavy piece of workmanship, saying, "Pure gold holds the energy of whoever wears it. This particular necklace was once fouled by corrupt thoughts. Now cleansed and charged with pure energy the potency of this gold can help you achieve higher levels of spirituality. When you don't need it anymore, pass it on to one worthy."
I took the precious gift with trembling fingers and fastened it around my neck. If the simple touch of an enlightened master could awaken in any of us the power of kundalini, wearing his energy around my throat would speed up my evolution beyond all expectations. Overwhelmed by the spiritual and material value of the offering, I bowed deeply in thanks.
When I looked up, Baba grinned from ear to ear, revealing a perfect row of white teeth. "A mantra would also help focus your mind and meditate instead of falling asleep," he said softly.
Heat came to my cheeks. I thought my little slip in morning meditation had gone unnoticed.
Baba's kind eyes didn't seem to see my embarrassment. "Try So’Ham. Repeat it aloud or mentally on every breath, 'So' breathing in, and 'Ham' breathing out. The words mean I am That, 'That' meaning the purest form of energy, the energy of the Self, the very energy God Himself is made of."
Suddenly retrieving his walking stick from the woman who held it, Baba turned around and started to walk away, then faced me again to say, "Oh, of course, you have my blessing to spread your brother’s ashes along the NarmadaRiver." He ambled away at a brisk pace, leaving me dumbfounded at the entrance of the garden pavilion. The interview was over.
Slipping the gold necklace under my white cotton shirt, I walked back to the room in a dream, my feet barely touching the ground. It felt wonderful to have so much energy. I was elated.
No one lingered in the dorms during morning chores. Exempted because of the interview, I had plenty of time before the noon chant and lunch. Remembering the heat of the day before that made long hair sticky with sweat, I came to a decision. Since I planned on staying a while, and each day would probably bring the same heat, I would make myself more comfortable.
After retrieving the pair of scissors I kept in my sewing kit, I went to the common showers to stand in front of the only mirror. Mom had taught me to cut hair, but I hadn't done it in a long time. Slowly, carefully, I started clipping the long locks until short black curls framed my face. I didn't expect the style to look good, but it did. Or, maybe the radiant flush and the grin on my face would have made any hairdo look good. The short black curls emphasized my deep blue eyes, dark eyebrows and lashes.
I completed the look by applying a red bindi between my eyes. On the street it was the sign of a married woman, but in the ashram it meant "devoted to God." Had I just made a commitment to the spiritual path? I could do much worse, I thought, smiling at my reflection.
Without the weight of my hair, I felt lighter. The feeling of freedom and weightlessness held me all morning. When Jade and the others returned from gardening, sewing, and cleaning, they also approved. But when Kora came back from the beauty shop, she frowned.
"What in bloody hell did you do to your hair?" A hand with painted nails rose to cover a horrified ruby mouth. Then Kora came over and pulled each curl with expert fingers. "Who did it for you? It's not too bad a cut, but what possessed you to get rid of such gorgeous hair? You look like a boy. No decent man will want you looking like that!"
I had to laugh. "I'm not looking for a man, Kora, I just want to be comfortable. It's hot, haven't you noticed? With the water restrictions, it's simply the best style to wear."
As her fingers fell from my hair, they brushed the collar of my shirt, and her face changed into an expression of pure hatred. "Where did you get this?" she hissed accusingly. "You're wearing MY necklace, the one Baba took from me."
Stunned, I said, "He gave it to me this morning as a welcome present."
"Baba never gave me anything," Kora screeched. "He only took from me. Why did he give it away, to you of all people, to spite me?" She reached for the necklace. "Give it back!"
Raising a protective hand to my throat, I stepped back. "I don't think so," I said, a little confused, but firm in my refusal.
Red with rage, Kora left the room, slamming the door.
Chapter Six
Dust to dust, ashes to ashes
I blinked in the late afternoon sun playing on the greenish waters of the NarmadaRiver. Holding the urn I had brought all the way from Paris, I watched a vulture on a leafless tree. A swarm of crows flying down river landed in a nearby field. On a small hill above, women beat the long stems of rice to the ground to extract the precious seeds they collected in a loosely woven cloth. The time had come to say goodbye to Jean-François. I carefully opened the urn. Taking in the peaceful surroundings, I closed my eyes searching for a fitting prayer. The ginger garland around my neck released a sweet fragrance in the breeze. Slowly tilting the urn, I let the ashes ride on the gentle breeze.
SacredRiver who purifies the souls of those walking your banks and bathing in your holy waters, take with you the ashes of my beloved brother. Help him find in death the peace he sought in life. And if there is such a thing as reincarnation, bring us back together some day, for I sorely miss him.
I watched quietly as the ashes settled on the dusty bank or sank into the dark water. I could almost see Jean-François walking on the river toward me, smiling, waving. "I love you, little brother," I whispered to the wind.
Lifting the flower garland from my shoulders, I laid it gently on the water and watched it float away. I could swear I heard Jean-François' faint response on the breeze, as if he’d said, "I love you, Fabienne."
Now that I had fulfilled my brother's last wish, free to return home, I realized that I wanted to stay. Fascinated by India, I couldn’t think of one reason to rush back. I needed to explore this wondrous new world, experience the state of Nirvana, the ultimate peace, the knowledge, the wisdom promised by the blue gods.
*****
Incense burned in the meditation hall, releasing a musky scent. As soon as I settled to meditate, a strange sensation took hold of me. The stone floor disappeared under the meditation mat, dropping me into a bottomless pit. I felt myself hovering, weightless, while my spirit floated within, then started to rise. Even through closed eyes, I could see the whole room, including my motionless body sitting on the floor below. I ascended through the ceiling and found myself hovering outside. The cool air caressed my skin. Gone was my nearsightedness. Everything looked bright and focused.
Above the flat roof of the building, I drifted on the predawn breeze like Aladdin on his flying carpet. Soon, rosy rays of sunlight brought to life a lush jungle bordered by a river, illuminating a rich stone palace. Where was I? Or rather, when was I? There was no jungle left in this part of India.
As I lingered over the palace's courtyard, I saw a chained man shoved in by two husky guards. Dark of skin, with long black hair, the young prisoner submitted to the abuse with resignation. My heart went out to him while a small crowd clamored with malevolence.
Although I couldn't explain why, I knew the captive's name was Mukunda! I felt his loneliness and grief, but despite my love and compassion for the young man, nothing could mar the inner peace of my disembodied state. I drifted down closer.
The Brahmin priests now laid Mukunda on a flat sacrificial slab occupying the center of the courtyard. The neck and body cuffs clinked when the guards locked the prisoner onto the flat stone. Deep grooves ran through the rock's smooth surface, stained brown by the blood of many sacrifices. I watched as the mahouts brought four elephants and chained each of the prisoner's wrists and ankles to the harness of a pachyderm then jerked the chains to test the links. From a high balcony, a princess in red and gold veils smiled coldly at the macabre ritual.
A young priest of Kali wearing a garnet pendant and carrying a copper vessel approached Mukunda. The priest placed the vessel in a niche at the bottom of the sacrificial stone, then unsheathed the dagger
hanging from his hip. With an expert twist of the knife, he severed one femoral artery close to the groin, then the other. The young man shuddered as his blood escaped, blossoming a rich red between his legs and into the grooves to fill the copper vase.
At a shrill signal from the priest, whips cracked and the mahouts yelled commands. Chains rattled and straightened when the elephants pulled in the four cardinal directions. Mukunda tensed on the block, then let out a blood-curdling scream that tore through the dawn. Flesh ripped and bones cracked, while steaming blood spurted. Dragging detached arms and legs, the elephants trumpeted excitedly while their mahouts tried to calm them with soothing words.
The young priest, now armed with a scimitar, approached the dismembered carcass left on the slab. Mukunda yet lived, and his eyes followed the movements of the priest. Raising the curved blade over the young man's head, the Brahmin brought it down, severing the neck in a powerful blow. The head rolled in the yellow dust. The priest seized it by the long black hair, retrieved the copper vessel from its cavity then strode proudly toward the royal apartments. The princess left the balcony to disappear inside.
Mukunda's spirit, freed from his quartered body, now ascended toward me. In the pinkish light, our souls meshed and entwined in a joyous union. His love filled me with warmth and serenity. I had never felt so happy. Distant chanting called me back to the ashram. I didn't want to leave but knew I must go. Mukunda's spirit followed me a while, then stopped and watched me float alone the rest of the way.
At a coughing sound in the meditation hall, my spirit slammed back into my body. I felt stunned, sluggish, longing for the lightness of pure spirit. The sense of love and fulfillment however, lingered. When I left the hall to join the chanting in the temple, I overflowed with love for every being I met.
After the chant, I returned to the dorm through a narrow pathway and came face to face with a ten-ton nightmare, Shankar, the ashram elephant. Suddenly, I wasn't so sure I could love every being. Despite Chad's soothing words and encouraging strokes, the beast, apparently upset, trumpeted his outrage. The pachyderm was too close, its smell overpowering. Resisting the urge to turn around and run, I decided to face my fears. My heart pounded. With sweaty palms and a constricted throat, I stepped aside to give Shankar room to pass.
When the elephant came upon me, I smelled something burning. My body grew hot. I choked on smoke. The garden had become a luxuriant jungle, prey to the greedy flames of a forest fire. My knees buckled. I fell, screaming as a huge foot descended on my face. Then all went black.
"Fabienne, Fabienne, are you all right?"
The urgency in the distant voice prompted me back to awareness. Strong hands held my shoulders to keep me upright. Through a blur, I recognized the round face of Jade, my Filipino roommate, among several ashramites gathered around me.
When I regained balance and stood on my own, Jade's worried frown smoothed with a smile. "I think you passed out. Could be the heat... Are you sure you eat enough? You're awfully pale and thin."
Feeling better by the second, I realized that Shankar had passed. I turned around to see his stately behind jiggling to the slow gait, thin tail swishing lazily at flies. His scent, however, lingered.
"Who is Mukunda?" Jade asked as the others returned to their various activities. "You called his name before you fainted."
"I did?" Visions of burning forest, a hot pool in the jungle, Mukunda's horrible death returned to me. I shuddered. "Maybe the question is who WAS Mukunda," I mumbled to myself, wondering once again whether I had led past lives.
The concept of reincarnation suddenly took meaning as I pondered the morning's experiences. Memories of other unexplained visions also tugged at my mind, tearing at shreds of skepticism. Had I lived before in that lush jungle? Was Mukunda close to me? The love I felt when I met his spirit made me think I could have been his lover. No wonder the name had startled me when I'd heard it a few weeks back. Had I come to India to confront a past life? Or was there more to it?
Back at the dorm, it was chore time. I had plenty of time to ponder while scrubbing bathroom tile and grout with a toothbrush and powdered bleach. Although I should have repeated the mantra while I worked to get into a meditative state, a question kept popping into my mind. Who was Mukunda?
My chores finished, I returned to the room to find Jade sitting on her bed. The young Filipino girl played with a small brass weight at the end of a string. Her long straight hair fell on her shoulders and around her moon face in gentle waves.
"What are you doing?" I asked, curious.
She looked up and smiled. "Interrogating a pendulum," she volunteered. "You've never seen one?"
"No. What does it do?" I sat cross-legged on my bed, facing her.
She stopped the movement of the device and squared herself against the wall. "You ask a question with a yes or no answer and hold the pendulum still." She demonstrated for me. "When it starts to gyrate, if it goes clockwise the answer is yes, counterclockwise the answer is no. In this case, it's yes." She pushed a strand of dark hair away from her face.
"What did you ask?" I immediately regretted my prying and added, "If it's not too personal, of course."
She smiled, dark green eyes like a deep jungle pool. "I was wondering whether I should go on the pilgrimage next week," she answered easily. "Now, I know I should."
"That simple?" The concept was ludicrous. "I don't need a gadget to tell me whether or not I want to go, I'm going."
"Good, it'll be interesting. Kora is coming also. That's why I had my doubts about going." Jade played with the brass weight, looking at it dreamily.
I didn't like the idea of Kora's company during a holy pilgrimage. It wasn't like her to attend such an event. I turned my attention to Jade. "What if there is no absolute answer?"
"Then the pendulum only goes back and forth, like this." She activated the string to show me the motion.
"Doesn’t sound very scientific. Might as well throw dice, or a coin."
"Those can work too," Jade commented seriously. "But I prefer the pendulum."
"You mean, you really believe in that stuff?" It sounded to me like a bunch of superstitious crap, but I didn't say it aloud.
"For millennia, well diggers have found water this way all over the world," Jade said in a calm voice. "It never failed them."
I raised an eyebrow. "Coincidence?"
Jade shook her head, dark hair falling forward. "Not with that frequency." She brushed back her hair. "Besides, do you really believe in coincidence?"
I thought about the circumstances that had brought me to India. "Not anymore," I conceded. "But this doesn't make sense. I can't understand how it could possibly work." I needed a logical explanation.
"Baba says that every time you ask a question, deep down inside you already know the answer," Jade volunteered. "You just want it confirmed because you do not trust your intuition. If you didn't have any idea of what the answer might be, you would never think of asking the question."
I thought about it for a few seconds.
Jade broke the silence. "I read it in one of Baba’s books."
I had to admit that, most times, I had a fairly good idea of the answer in advance. "Okay, I'll buy that." I leaned forward. “Tell me more.”
"The trick," Jade continued, "is to clear your mind of all thoughts, like in meditation." Her voice slowed and she closed her eyes to illustrate. "Become still, like the surface of a pond on a windless day." The green eyes suddenly popped open and stared at me. "And don't let your desires influence the pendulum," she warned in earnest, "because your mind is powerful enough to move an object at will."
Smiling at her heartfelt advice, I rose to hide my confusion. "I have a hard time believing that." I searched for a clean cotton shirt in the neat piles on my shelves. "There is no scientific basis for it."
"Lots of phenomena lack scientific explanation. It doesn't mean they don't happen," Jade went on, nonplused. "But, look at it this way: your subconscious is always in c
ontact with the absolute truth. All you have to do is get in touch with your subconscious, like when you meditate."
Although I still had doubts, the explanations started to make sense, and I found myself curious. "Would you let me borrow your pendulum this afternoon at rest time?"
"Sure. Here, take it now." She handed me the device. "You can get it back to me tonight."
"Thanks," I said, stuffing it in a deep pocket of my baggy pants. Just then, the conches and drums called us to the temple for the chant preceding the noon meal.
*****
After lunch, the ashramites scattered toward various personal activities, some washing clothes, others taking a nap, meditating, having dessert at the ashram's pastry shop, or running errands in nearby establishments. Taking advantage of this quiet time, I returned to the deserted dorm and found refuge on my bed. Closing the mosquito net around me for privacy, I took the pendulum out of my pocket. Eyes closed, I slowed my breathing then started to repeat the mantra to empty my mind. "So" breathing in, "Ham" breathing out. "So’Ham, So’Ham..."
Through the wooden shutters closed against the heat, muffled strands of conversations reached my ears. Birds sang, the smell of jasmine lingered on the breeze stirred by the ceiling fan. When I felt at peace, I opened my eyes and took the pendulum, stretching the string straight down as Jade had done.
Immediately, the first question surfaced on my tranquil mind. "Did I love Mukunda in a previous life?"
I watched the pendulum starting to gyrate, slowly at first, in small circles, then faster, the circles increasing in diameter... clockwise! Yes, I knew it! The pendulum now made wild circles, stretching the string almost horizontal in its frenzy. My fingers struggled to remain still under the onslaught of energy powering the device.
Ashes for the Elephant God Page 6