by Donna Haley
Aaron stared at me with a frown for a long time before he spoke. “But, Mrs. Severus, you shouldn't have to feel so alone. He should make more of an effort to be here for you. A woman like you is rare, in any world.”
“You're very kind, my dear, but I've told myself all of this a million times and here I sit still, waiting for the day he returns and my world is complete again. It's not a life I'd have thought I'd be living, but after asking myself would I be happier without him, I came to understand that I could never be happy without my husband. I don’t expect anyone else to understand my choices, including my children.”
He merely nodded at that point, not bothering to try to understand the arrangement we had. He began to pack up for the night and I smiled softly at him, hoping he didn't think me a fool but shrugging it off as he bid me goodnight and let himself out.
I ran a hand through my hair and sighed deeply. The human's words had affected me more than I cared to let on. I'd said all the right things, but he couldn't have known that deep in my heart, I'd asked myself the same things over and over.
I felt like a doormat when it came to Severus some days. And for the life of me, I couldn't just let go. It ate at me. The way he would just show back up, sometimes months later and act as if he'd been there all along drove me to madness but at the same time I wanted to be with him so badly that I overlooked everything else. I worried that the day would come when Malachi would give up on him. Worse yet, I worried that I would do the same.
I'm not the type of woman who lets men walk all over her. And yet, I sat here waiting on a man that never considered my feelings.
I wish I believed that. I wish I could believe that Severus never thought of me. It would make things so much easier if he didn't love me. But one moment in his arms was enough for me. The way he looked at me gave me hope, hope that he'd stay this time. In those times when we were apart, that’s what I clung to, that hope.
I went to bed in tears that night, wondering if he'd ever choose me over everything else. Our bed had never seemed lonelier than it did that night.
Chapter Nineteen
I woke the next afternoon, still alone and in no mood for company. When the bell rang I grumbled and pulled the blankets over my head. Growling at Maria when she informed me that the young reporter was here, I told her to tell him I'd be down shortly.
I didn't bother to dress, choosing instead to pull a robe on over Sev's shirt. I padded barefoot down the hall to spend a few moments with my daughters before they departed for a play date at Malachi's. After a lot of hugs and kisses, the girls were ushered out by the nanny and I took my time going downstairs.
I didn't want to relive anything that day, but I couldn't just bail on Aaron. I was sure he could tell I wasn't in the greatest of moods but he politely smiled and waited for me to speak. An hour passed in silence and my mood was rapidly getting worse. I fidgeted and absentmindedly played with the hem of my robe, waiting for him to ask me something. I wasn't going to volunteer a single story that afternoon and it wasn't long before Aaron finally spoke up.
“Mrs. Severus, it seems you're not in the best of moods. Are you okay? Did something happen?”
“I'm fine.” It was all I could manage and all I was about to give him.
“I'm not sure I believe you, but okay. Is there anything you want to talk about today? Maybe a happy memory?”
Blinking back tears, I shook my head. But I couldn't resist a happy memory of him because every happy memory that I have involves him. Resting my head on the back of the chair, I closed my eyes and took us both back to a time when Severus and I had been happy together.
Severus had been back only a few short weeks when the idea crossed my mind. I wasn't entirely sure he'd agree to it so I decided to make it a surprise.
We'd been spending most of our time at the beach. I'd come to love being in the sun now that I could. Our days were spent swimming and making love. On occasion he'd give into my silliness and we'd build sandcastles. Our laughter carried on the ocean breeze and we were so happy then.
The nights found us dining under the stars. We'd walk for hours along the ocean's edge and spend the night wrapped up in each other. We'd reconnected in a way we'd not thought possible. I loved him more with every breath he took.
These were the moments when I felt alive. He focused only on me and nothing else seemed to matter then. Severus and I were in love and we were together. All was right with the world.
On a night filled with the sounds of crickets and a sky bursting with stars, I dressed in a pale champagne colored dress and reminded him that he needed to wear the suit I'd laid out. I applied my lipstick and watched him in the mirror. He was sure that I was up to something but he hadn't asked.
Standing, he offered me his hand and I placed mine in it, flashing him a beautiful smile. He pressed a kiss to my forehead and asked where we were headed. With a soft laugh I led him towards the patio doors, opening them to allow him to see the candles lighting the way to the beach.
“Babe, what's going on?”
“We're renewing our vows, my love.”
His eyes widened and a bright smile filled his face as he led the way down to the spot I'd selected overlooking the cliffs. Bending down he pulled a daisy out from the arrangements that surrounded us and tucked it into my hair. Kissing my cheek, he took my hands in his and smiled down at me.
I hadn't been this nervous ever, not even at our first wedding. I couldn't explain it but this felt like the first time and I was fighting back tears as he spoke his vows softly, gazing deep into my eyes.
“We've been through so much to get to this point and even if it's just the tip of the iceberg, I want you to know that I'm here. I'm by your side for eternity as your husband, your lover, and your friend. I've never loved another woman in my entire existence. Before you, I believed I was incapable of loving anyone. You taught me how to love, Sunshine. And love you, I do. I love you to the depths of the ocean and the heights of the stars. I promise my faithfulness and my protection. In sickness, health, Heaven or Hell. I love you.”
I took a ragged breath, my tears falling freely down my face as my voice shook with emotion.
“You are my soul mate. I have loved you from the first moment I laid eyes on you. Even behind a mask you stole my heart. Together we can face anything this world throws at us. I am only me when I'm at your side. I draw my strength from you. In your arms I find peace, in your breath, I find life, in your heart, I find mine. I love you beyond all others and I promise you my faithfulness and loyalty beyond true death. Yesterday, today and tomorrow, I love you.”
I knew he could feel my hands shaking and he pulled me close, his arms wrapping around me. Our lips met in a tender kiss, the back of his hand brushing against my cheek sending shivers down my spine. This man that stood before me was mine and he made me happy. Nothing could take that away. I loved him, perhaps too much, maybe not enough, but I loved him with all that I had and I always would.
We made love that night, right there under the stars where we'd proclaimed our love for one another. It was more than the joining of two beings; it was the joining of our souls. Even though our first wedding had been beautiful, nothing compared to this moment in time. A moment that only the two of us shared. Our bond was renewed and we committed to a life together, not just for a few years, but for an eternity. As he caressed my body and brought me to heights I could only reach with him, I knew that no matter how hard it got, we'd find a way to make this work.
I didn't want to leave the memory. In fact, I wanted that moment back because in it was the happiness that escaped me now. Leaning over, I rested my elbows on my knees and placed my head in my hands and sobbed.
I don't know when Aaron put his arm around me or even why he did it, but I welcomed it. My entire body shook with the sobs. Once I'd started I was afraid I'd never stop. I wanted my husband. Not the one that left me alone for months on end, but the one that took me into his arms and made me feel as if I were the only girl in
the world. I wanted the man that couldn’t get enough of me.
I craved the taste of his kisses. I ached for the feel of his breath on my neck as we slept. I yearned for stolen moments with him. I hungered for his touch. Nothing in the world made since without him here and I couldn't control the fear that swelled each time he left. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew there would come a time when he simply wouldn't return and I was terrified that that time would come sooner than I wanted.
Our session was put on hold while the young man comforted me. I wish I could tell you that I found some solace with the human, but it was useless. I never found comfort in anyone or anything but my demon.
I struggled to pull myself out of this emotional craziness that had overcome me and rushed into another memory. One that would give me reason for my tears and grief.
Chapter Twenty
Malachi and Izzy hadn't been married for long when she learned she was expecting. They were overjoyed and I was beaming. Of course I hated the idea of being someone's grandmother but I'd find another word for what I was to them before they could speak. Besides, I was forever twenty-five and Izzy joked that I'd be the hottest granny on the playground.
Of course she was right but that's beside the point. As her pregnancy progressed concern was raised when it was found that she was sick. Not sick as in morning sickness, but my beautiful daughter-in-law had a rare form of cancer that had been accelerated by her pregnancy. They were advised to terminate the pregnancy but Izzy refused. She was willing to risk her life for her babies and I admired her for that decision. She was a strong woman and she’d have done anything for those babies. Malachi argued that they could have other children, but she was adamant that she carry them to term. I could feel my son’s fear that he’d lose the most important person in his life and I worried for them both.
As each month passed without the treatment that could save her life, Izzy grew weaker. The once vibrant and beautiful young woman was drawn and rarely smiled. All of her energy was used to make sure her twin boys were healthy and safe. Malachi never left his wife's side. He neglected his training and duties in Hell but I stood my ground with Lucifer that he needed to let them be right now. After much convincing, Luci gave in and left them alone.
As the birth of the boys grew closer, we were all on edge. The doctors had all advised us to expect the worst and Izzy had demanded that no matter what happened they were to save her children. With the due date on the horizon, I pulled my son aside while his wife slept.
“Mal, think positive. We have the best doctors in any realm and they will do everything they can.”
“I can't lose her, Momma. I'm not strong enough to carry on without Izzy.”
His tears shone bright in his blue eyes and I pulled him into a tight hug. Stroking his hair I tried to offer all of my support but I knew that if she didn't survive, it could destroy him.
“Honey, Izzy wouldn't want you to worry. She's done all of this for your children and we have to respect that. We have to trust that the doctors will do everything they can for all three of them.”
We were interrupted by a soft whimper coming from the bedroom and we raced to her side. The time had come and Malachi snapped us all to the hospital in Rome. He remained by her side throughout the delivery while I paced the waiting room.
Sixteen hours of intense worry later, my grandsons were born. Malachi left the delivery room to let Izzy's parents and I know that the babies were being taken to the NICU. With blood tears streaming down his cheek my son collapsed onto that sterile hospital room floor and dread flooded me. As his shoulders slumped and shook I sank to my knees and held him, rocking him back and forth. Izzy's mother's cries filled the halls and her husband cried quietly in the corner of the room. His pain was overwhelming but I pushed my own grief aside to be his mother and offer him the support he needed. I would have given anything to have Severus there to help console his son but once again, he wasn’t there when we needed him.
Forty-five minutes passed before Malachi rose to his feet, finding the strength to go back to say goodbye to the woman who had always held his heart. I held his hand as we walked into that room, my own tears clouding my vision.
Her frail body lay lifeless on the bed. He explained that the nurses had given her the babies to hold and with them in her arms, she passed away. My heart broke as he talked about the smile that had lit up her face when she'd stroked her sons' cheeks.
She'd pressed gentle kisses to the top of their heads and told them to take care of their daddy for her and that she loved them. Malachi told us that her last words had been to him.
“I'll always be looking down on you, Malachi. I love you.”
And then she quietly slipped from this world. My tears stained his shirt as I held him. My child stood taller than me by almost a foot, and that night, in a stark white hospital room, he seemed smaller than his little boys in the neonatal intensive care unit.
I would have given anything, including my own existence to bring her back but it was impossible. I worried that he wouldn't survive without her. He spent the night in a rocking chair next to the incubators his sons lay in. With each beep of the machines that were keeping them alive, he grew stronger in his reserve to make sure they knew how much their mother had sacrificed for them.
He whispered promises that he'd never leave them for any reason. He swore he'd always be there for them when they needed him. My heart broke as he told his children that he’d be a better father than his own had been. It was a promise I knew he’d die to keep.
“So that's why he doesn't approve of his father's absences. It all makes sense now.”
I nodded and nothing else was needed.
“Mrs. Severus, did the boys survive?”
“Yes,” I smiled as I said it. “They are five years old now and healthy and happy. Damian looks just like his father while Darian favors Izzy. Mal tells them about her every night and they spend a lot of time with her family. I'm quite sure Izzy is looking down on them and protecting them.”
“And Malachi and Severus? Are they okay?”
I chewed nervously on my bottom lip as I tried to find the right way to answer this. “Malachi tries very hard to understand his father, but I'm not sure they will ever be okay.”
Maybe he saw how upset I was at this or maybe he just wanted to move on, but he steered the conversation towards a different direction and I was very thankful he did.
“Can you tell me more about the years before you and your husband met back up?”
Again, I nodded and let the memory draw me away from the emotions that had threatened to burst forth.
Chapter Twenty-One
There were many years that Star and I were living together. We shared everything and enjoyed the times we spent together. She’s always been my best friend and we’d always found a way to make the most of our lives over the years.
My sister had a bit of an obsession with powerful men. She'd shared the beds of kings, counts and presidents. Of course those unions benefited us both. We could come and go in any town in England, Scotland and Ireland without question. And soon that carried over to America. The Spencer girls were well protected and we used it to our advantage.
I, on the other hand, always preferred the bad boys. I could be found most nights keeping company with the street urchins or criminals. I craved the excitement they offered. So as my sister spent her nights in palaces, I wandered the streets looking for trouble.
It was a warm summer evening, just past twilight when I met a man that would offer me some of the most thrilling nights of my life. His thirst for causing trouble rivaled my own and I felt as if he were a kindred spirit. We clicked immediately and soon we were raising Hell all over Chicago
I met Al not long after he'd married Mae. Little did she know but her husband enjoyed ladies on the side. While the little woman was back home in New York, Al was busy learning the ropes from Johnny T and that's how we met.
Like I said, my sister had a thing for p
owerful men and on occasion she'd find one that wasn't always on the up and up. Johnny and Star were hot and heavy and I was along for the ride. Not that I minded. Prohibition was in full swing and we all spent a great deal of time breaking the laws and Johnny let me perform in his speakeasy some nights. Back then, in the Roaring Twenties I fancied myself a singer.
It was one of those nights that he called me over to meet an “old friend” of his. Al was just in from New York and word on the street was that he was being primed to take over Chicago. We just hit it off. Both of us liked violence and Al didn't seem to care that Star and I were a bit different than everyone around us.
We did a good job of blending in but anyone who took the time to study us could easily see that we weren't exactly 'normal'. But I'd never wanted to be normal anyway, normal was boring and I was anything but boring. Johnny and Al never commented on the iciness of our skin or how we were never seen during the day. According to Star, Johnny knew that she was a vampire and found it exciting.