Pieces of Me

by Laura Farr

  Pieces of me

  Laura Farr

  Copyright © 2018 by Laura Farr

  All rights reserved.

  No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review.

  To my daughter, Isla, who gave me more material for this book than she’ll ever know!

  I love you to the moon and back xxx

  Contents

  Prologue

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  Chapter 22

  Chapter 23

  Chapter 24

  Chapter 25

  Chapter 26

  Chapter 27

  Epilogue

  Cooper - Bagram Airfield

  “Lance Corporal Matthews?”

  I open my eyes and immediately jump off the uncomfortable cot, saluting the corporal standing in front of me. My muscles scream out, protesting against the hard cot. You’d think after three deployments, my body would be used to the shit sleeping arrangements by now. Apparently not.

  “At ease, Marine,” Corporal Johnson instructs, and I drop my hand, raising my eyes to his.

  “Staff Sergeant Wilson wants to see you in his office.”

  I nod and reach for my boots, slipping them on. I silently follow Corporal Johnson out of my sleeping quarters and through the building toward the offices. An uneasy feeling washes over me, and I can’t help but wonder why I’m being summoned.

  Stopping outside the door, Corporal Johnson turns toward me. “You can go right in. He’s expecting you.” I watch as he walks away. Turning to the door, I knock lightly on the wood.

  “Come in,” booms a voice on the other side. Pushing the door open, I walk in.

  “You wanted to see me, sir?” I say, saluting the officer. He nods.

  “Take a seat.” He watches me as I pull a chair out and sit opposite him at his desk. “Son, there is no easy way to tell you this. There’s been an incident back home.”

  I jump up, my hands gripping the edge of his desk. My heart pounds in my chest and I can barely breathe.

  “Isabella?” I ask urgently. He shakes his head.

  “No, son,” he says with a sigh. “It’s your wife.”

  “What’s happened? Is she okay?”

  His eyes meet mine, and my body drops into the chair behind me. The look on his face is all I need to see to know it isn’t good news.

  “She collapsed. They think it was a brain hemorrhage.”

  I’m vaguely aware of him getting out of his chair and coming around to stand next to me. My ears are ringing, and I can’t hear anything other than the sound of my heart thundering in my chest. I must have misheard him. There’s no way anything has happened to Emme. Feeling a hand on my shoulder, I look up.

  “A brain hemorrhage? But she’s okay,” I insist. “She has to be okay,” I tell him.

  “She’s in surgery, Cooper. We need to get you home.”

  I shake my head in disbelief. Standing up, the chair crashes to the floor behind me, echoing around the silent room.

  “Isabella!” I cry. “Where’s Isabella?”

  “I don’t know…” He trails off and squeezes my shoulder again. “I’ve got you on the next flight out. You’ll be with them both in twenty-four hours.”

  He was wrong. I’d never be with Emerson again.

  Three days later

  There’s that fraction of a second when you wake up and you’re somewhere between sleep and consciousness. That split second when you’re stuck between a dream world and reality. Part of me craves that dream world, that moment where my life isn’t fractured and broken. A larger part of me knows the pain that will explode in my chest when reality hits. I roll over, feeling the cold, empty space in the bed next to me.

  I want that fraction of a second to last forever. For Emme to be lying next to me, her body tangled around mine. I want to hold her in my arms and kiss her until she’s breathless. To whisper in her ear how much I love her and watch her shiver as my breath hits her skin. I want to hear her giggle as I tickle her. To fight with her over something stupid, then spend hours making up. I want… I just want Emerson.

  I close my eyes and drag my hand down my face. It’s still dark outside. Reaching over to the nightstand, I snatch up my phone. As I hit the home button, the screen lights up and my breath catches in my throat. Emerson is smiling back at me, her long, dark hair falling in waves over her shoulders. I smile sadly and brush my fingers over the image of her. The screen goes dark and I frantically press the home button, needing to see her face again. Glancing at the time, I sigh when I see it’s only 5am. There’s no way I can try to fall back to sleep now. Every time I close my eyes, I see her face, haunted by the fact that I never made it home in time to hold her before she died.

  “I don’t know how I’m going to do this, Emme,” I whisper into the dark room, knowing I’m not going to get any sort of reply. There’s a physical pain in my chest, and I reach my hand up, rubbing my palm over my heart. “I can’t do this without you. I’d give anything for you to be here.” I feel tears track down my face and I let them fall. “How am I going to be enough for her?” The tears fall freely as I wait for an answer that never comes.

  Dropping my phone onto the bed, I wipe my eyes. Dragging my legs over the side, I stand up and cross the room. Peering over the side of the white wooden crib, my three-month-old daughter lies fast asleep. I’d never even met Isabella until yesterday. Emerson had given birth during my deployment, and while Skype had been a godsend while I’d been away, it could never make up for holding her in my arms. I just never imagined I’d be holding her alone.

  Needing to have a little part of Emerson in my arms, I reach into the crib, awkwardly scooping Isabella up and holding her close against my chest. “Hey, baby girl,” I whisper, brushing my fingers over the smooth skin of her cheek. “It’s Daddy.” Her eyes stay closed and I move back to the bed, sitting with her in my arms. “I have no idea what I’m doing,” I confess. “But I promise you that, somehow, we’ll get through this nightmare together.” I pause and reach up to wipe the tears that have begun to fall. “Your mommy loved you so much.” My voice breaks and a sob escapes. How the hell am I going to do this without Emerson? She should be here.

  My perfect life has been ripped apart and I have no idea how I’m ever going to pick up the pieces.

  Cooper – Four years later.

  “Bella!” I yell for the third time. “Get down here. We need to leave.” I grab my keys and swing open the front door, walking outside. Bailey, our Labrador Retriever, follows me. I guide him back inside before grabbing my phone from my back pocket. Firing off a message to my business partner, Alex, I let him know that I’m running late. “Bella! We gotta go! Now!” Making my way back inside, I close the door behind me so that Bailey can’t escape. As I’m about to start upstairs, Bella appears at the top step.

  “Daddy, I want to go to the beach.”

  I look up and groan as I see her standing there in her bathing suit.

  “Isabella!” I exclaim, taking the stairs two at a time. “I have to go to work, and you have to go to preschool.” She frowns at me, and
I can’t help but smile. She looks so much like Emerson it makes my heart ache. “I told you we’d go to the beach tomorrow, baby girl. One more sleep, okay?” Her frown turns into a smile and she skips into her bedroom. Following her, I get her dressed for the second time that morning and usher her downstairs. Yelling goodbye to Bailey, we make for my truck in the driveway.

  Five minutes later, I’m pulling up outside Bella’s preschool. Parking the truck, I help her down and we jog across the parking lot to the entrance.

  “Good morning,” one of the staff calls out as we stop at the door.

  “Morning,” I reply. “Sorry we’re late.” Kneeling down, I pull Bella in for a hug. “Have a great day, baby girl. I’ll see you later.” Kissing her on the cheek, she walks off.

  “Bye, Daddy,” she calls out as she runs in through the door, her long, dark ponytails swinging from side to side. I watch her, noticing they are wonky. Doing her hair isn’t something I’ve ever gotten good at. My fingers are too big for the tiny hair ties she needs, and she’s always telling me I’m doing it wrong.

  Sighing, I turn and make my way to the truck. Pulling out my phone as I go, I call Alex.

  “Hi, buddy. I’ve just dropped Bella at preschool, I’m on my way,” I tell him as I climb into the driver’s seat.

  “Can you swing by Millie’s and grab some coffee?” Alex asks. “Cindy hasn’t made it in this morning, Ty’s unwell.”

  “Sure. See you in ten.”

  Ending the call, I put the truck into drive and pull away from Bella’s preschool. I head for Main Street in Oceanside, California. Stopping for coffee is no hardship. In fact, after the morning I’ve had with Bella, I’m in desperate need of a shot of caffeine. Cindy works for Alex and me. She always does the coffee run on her way in, but Cindy’s a single mom, so when her son’s ill, it’s all on her. I know how she feels. Alex is single and doesn’t have kids, but after watching me raise Bella alone, he gets it. We both do.

  After Emerson died, I left the Marines. My staff sergeant pulled a few strings, and I was medically discharged. I wanted to leave. There was no way I could have stayed a Marine and taken care of Bella. My parents and younger sister had been my rock in the months following Emme’s death, but I wanted to be the one to put Bella to bed every night. I couldn’t do that if I was deployed halfway across the world.

  Emerson’s life insurance payout had ensured I didn’t need to worry about money right away, and I’d spent the first year at home with Bella. The first six months had been hell, and I’d spent most of it in a haze of grief, not knowing how I was even going to get through the next hour without Emme, let alone the rest of my life. After she’d died, my parents had insisted on moving in with me. I hadn’t argued. I needed the help. I’d never even held a baby before, let alone changed a diaper or made formula. They’d only stayed a few weeks, though. Once I’d somewhat figured out what I was doing, I’d asked for some space. I knew I couldn’t keep them with me forever. I needed to be a father to Bella, and to do that I needed to stand on my own two feet.

  Parking a little way down the street from Millie’s, I jump out of my truck and walk the short distance to the coffee shop. Even though it’s still early, the sun beats down on me and I know it’s going to be a hot one. Summers in California always are. Arriving outside Millie’s, I push the door open. The small bell above the door chimes, signaling my arrival, and I make my way to the counter.

  “Morning, Cooper,” Olivia says, her cheeks flushing as I acknowledge her with a smile. Olivia has worked at Millie’s for as long as I’ve been coming here, and I know Cindy and her are good friends. Cindy’s told me numerous times that Olivia likes me, but even after four years, I can’t bring myself to date. I’ve considered it a couple of times over the years, but my hearts belongs to Emerson, and I can’t see that changing anytime soon.

  “Morning, Liv. Can I get the usual, please, minus Cindy’s order?” I ask, eyeing up the pastries on the counter.

  “No Cindy today?” Olivia asks, her back to me as she prepares my order.

  “No. She’s off. Ty’s sick.”

  She spins around, worry etched on her face. “What’s wrong with him?”

  “I’m not sure. Alex told me she was off.” I watch as she pulls her phone from her pocket, her fingers flying across the screen. Dropping it onto the counter, she smiles sheepishly.

  “Sorry. I had to text her, make sure he’s okay,” she says before turning back to the coffee machine.

  “No problem.”

  “How’s that gorgeous girl of yours? I’ve not seen her for a while.”

  I laugh as I think of her standing at the top of the stairs this morning in her favorite bathing suit.

  “She’s good. Made me promise her a day at the beach tomorrow.”

  “That sounds fun.” She smiles as she spins around, putting two takeaway coffee cups in front on me. “Anything else? I can see you eyeing up those pastries.”

  “This is why we ask Cindy to get the coffee. If I came in here every day, I’d be the size of a house,” I joke, patting my flat stomach. I notice her eyes drift down to where my hand is, and her cheeks flush again. She’s pretty, and in another lifetime, I might have asked her out, but it wouldn’t be fair on her. I can’t give her my heart. It’s not mine to give away. Clearing my throat, her eyes snap up to mine. “As I’m here, though, I’ll take two of those.” I point to the tray of pastries in front of me and she quickly bags two up. Handing my money over, I thank her, grab everything, and head out to my truck.

  It’s a five-minute drive from the coffee shop to the office I share with Alex. I park and scoop up the bag from Millie’s, making my way inside. I’ve worked with Alex for the past three years. We met in kindergarten and have been friends ever since. After Emme died, he was there for me whenever I needed him, even if that was at 3am and I was wasted, on the odd occasion I’d allowed my parents to take Bella for the night. When I decided I needed some sort of normality in my life, Alex was there with a plan. He was working in construction and with all the contacts he’d made, he wanted to set up his own business. He asked me to go in with him, and I jumped at the chance.

  Before I went into the service, I’d spent a couple of years in construction, so it was the easy choice to fall back into it. Using some of Emerson’s insurance money, I went all in with Alex, and Bolton Matthews Construction was born. It was tough to start with, but once we had a few local jobs under our belt, word of our work spread, and business had been booming ever since. At the beginning, we were both hands-on, but as the business and our workforce grew, we were soon able to take a back seat, mainly working out of the office. This worked well for me with having Bella to look after. It meant if she needed me, I could be there for her. She was my priority.

  “Hey, Alex,” I say as I empty the bag from Millie’s and set a coffee and pastry on his desk.

  “Hey, man.” I watch him eye up the pastry in front of him. “You can get the coffee more often,” he jokes as he picks it up and takes a mouthful. He moans as he eats it, and I throw the empty paper bag at his head.

  “Dude, if you’re making noises like that, you need to get laid,” I tell him, taking a swig of my hot coffee. He raises his eyebrows and swallows his mouthful of pastry.

  “I got laid last week, Coop, but thanks for your concern.” He smirks at me and throws the paper bag back. “You should take a bit of your own advice, you know. I bet your dick is ready to shrivel up and drop off from lack of use.”

  “My dick is just fine, thank you. I’m very well acquainted with my right hand.”

  “Fuck me! That’s more information than I needed!”

  “Well, you did ask.”

  “Erm… No, I didn’t!”

  I throw my head back and laugh. “No, I guess you didn’t.” Alex knows I’ve only slept with one woman since Emme died, and it was a train wreck. That memory is part of the reason I’ve never gone there again.

  “Seriously, though, Coop. You should get out there
again. It’s been four years. Emme would want you to be happy.” He looks apprehensive as he waits for my response. It’s not the first time he’s tried to speak to me about moving on. I usually cut him down.

  “It feels like five minutes,” I say sadly, dropping into the seat behind my desk. “And I am happy. Bella makes me happy.”

  “Cooper—”

  “Drop it, Alex,” I warn, cutting him off. “I know you mean well, but I’m good.” He nods and shuffles papers around on his desk. “So… What do we have on today?” I ask, breaking the uncomfortable silence that has fallen. He looks relieved I’ve moved the conversation on.

  “We need to head over to the Walker’s place, check on the progress, and we’re booked to quote for a commercial job this afternoon. Before then, paperwork.” He waves a wad of paper in the air and I groan, holding out my hand.

  “Pass some over then. Might as well get it done before we head out.”

  Paperwork is the side of the job we both hate. Cindy takes care of a lot of it, but she’s only part-time and now that she’s off with her son, we’re down another day this week. Flicking through the stack of papers Alex has passed over, I see that the bulk of the work is chasing outstanding invoices and some ordering. There’ll be more materials to order next week if we manage to snag the commercial job this afternoon. Deciding to leave the ordering until later, I focus on the unpaid invoices. Switching on the laptop, I fire off some reminder emails.

  After an hour or so of working with just the radio for background noise, Alex breaks the silence. “We still on for tonight? Is Maddie watching Bella?” I look up from the laptop to see him watching me, eager for my reply.