Pieces of Me

by Laura Farr

  As we pull into the driveway, she unclicks her seat belt and waits excitedly for Cooper to lift her down. I climb out and hold the bag containing her dress behind my back.

  Reaching for her hand, I tug her toward the front door. “Come on. I’ll show you your surprise.” I wait for Cooper to unlock the door before leading her upstairs. As we get to the top, I turn to see him leaning on the bannister at the bottom, watching us. He smiles and winks at me before I’m pulled along the hallway by Bella.

  “Right. Close your eyes,” I tell her as she pulls me into her bedroom. A smile erupts on her face and she hides her eyes with her hand. She spreads her little fingers and peeks out. “Hey! No peeking,” I cry as I reach out to tickle her. She giggles and covers them again. Pulling the dress out of the bag, I hold it up. “Open your eyes,” I instruct. She opens them, and I watch as they go wide when she sees what I’m holding.

  “Is it a Frozen dress?” she almost whispers, her hands reaching out to touch it.

  “I’ve been told by the lady in the shop that it’s the dress Elsa wears. Do you like it?”

  She nods and flings her arms around my neck. “Thank you, Lexi. I love it.” She squeezes me tightly around the neck, and I drop the dress to hug her back.

  “You’re very welcome, sweetie. Shall we put it on?”

  She nods, and I help her remove the sundress she’s wearing. Slipping the dress over her head, I fasten the buttons at the back and she twirls around. It’s a perfect fit, and she looks adorable. She walks to the full-length mirror on the other side of her room and stares at herself.

  “I look like a princess!” she exclaims as she moves from side to side to see every angle of the dress.

  “You do,” I agree. “Look.” I reach under the layers of her dress and press a hidden button. She gasps as tiny twinkly lights sewn into the material illuminate the dress.

  “It’s amazing,” she whispers. I smile at her reaction, a rush of love overwhelming me as I watch her.

  “Well, don’t you look beautiful,” Cooper says from behind us. Looking over my shoulder, I see him watching us from the doorway.

  “Look what Lexi got me, Daddy! I’m Princess Elsa,” she says proudly. “And it lights up, too! Look!” She walks over to Cooper and twirls in front of him, the layers of the dress fanning out as she spins.

  “Wow, baby girl. That’s pretty special. I hope you said thank you to Lexi?”

  “I did, Daddy.” He looks at me. I nod as I stand up. “Can I wear my party shoes?”

  “I don’t see why not. They should be in the unit downstairs,” Cooper tells her.

  “I’ll go find them.” She rushes out of the room.

  Cooper walks slowly toward me. “You’re incredible. You know that?” He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me against him. “Thank you for making my little girl smile.” I feel my cheeks flush at his words and rest my head on his chest. “You’ve arranged this whole day for her and bought her that dress… Thank you.”

  Lifting my head, I smile. “You don’t have to keep thanking me, Cooper. I wanted to do it. She means a lot to me.”

  “You mean a lot to me.” He lowers his head and captures my lips with his. It’s a gentle kiss that feels full of love, but I push that idea down, knowing I must be wrong. Sure, he cares about me, but love? That’s something else. He breaks the kiss and takes my hand.

  “Let’s go. I’ve done the picnic.”

  “Oh, I’m sorry. I was going to do that. It took me ages to get to sleep last night, and I woke up later than I’d planned this morning.”

  “Why couldn’t you sleep?” he asks, a frown forming on his face. “You should have messaged me.” I shrug and begin to walk toward the door, but he tugs on my hand, forcing me to stop. “Lex?”

  “It was just everything with Greg. It kept playing over and over in my mind. I couldn’t switch off.”

  He turns me so I’m facing him. “You know I don’t believe what he said, right?” His hand cups my face and waits for me to look up at him. “I know that’s not you, Lex.” I nod and force a smile.

  “I just can’t believe he would say that. What if you had believed him?”

  “He’s an asshole, Lex. Someone we don’t need to be thinking about anymore. Okay?” His thumb strokes my cheek, and I tilt my head, nuzzling into his hand.

  “Okay.”

  “Right! Let’s go get Bella obsessed with another Disney movie.”

  I laugh and follow him downstairs. Bella is sitting on the bottom step, patiently waiting for us, while Bailey lounges on the floor next to her. He jumps up as we reach the bottom step, and I fuss over him, tickling his neck.

  “Shall we take Bailey? It’s in the park. I bet he’d love it,” I’ve barely finished my question when Bailey starts going crazy, barking and running in circles. My eyes go wide as I look across to Cooper. “What’s he doing?”

  “You said the “p” word,” Bella explains, although I have no idea what she means.

  “The “p” word?” I ask in confusion.

  “P…a…r…k,” Cooper spells out. “That word is Bailey’s kryptonite.”

  “What’s kryptotite?” Bella asks, and I smile at her mispronunciation of the word.

  “It means it’s his weakness, baby girl.” She still looks confused, but I’m not.

  “Guess we’re taking him then? We have to now. He’s all excited, aren’t you, boy?” I pat his head before reaching into the cupboard in the entryway and grabbing his leash. Attaching it to his collar, he pulls me excitedly toward the door.

  “Bella and I will put him in the truck if you grab the picnic?” I say to Cooper, who’s trying not to laugh as Bailey pulls me all over the entryway.

  “Are you sure it’s not Bailey putting you in the truck?” he asks, chuckling as he heads into the kitchen.

  “Don’t forget the blanket,” I call out as I swing the door open and Bailey pulls me outside. Having no choice but to go where he takes me, I try to steer him to the truck. Instead I’m pulled to the other side of the garden.

  “Having fun?” Cooper shouts from the front door. I turn to see him standing there, grinning as he watches me being pulled around the front lawn. “Bailey, truck,” he shouts. Bailey bounds to the driveway, pulling me along with him.

  “You couldn’t have done that right away?” I ask him with a chuckle as he meets me at the truck.

  “And miss you trying to control him? No chance!” I gently smack his chest and he grabs my hand, holding it there. I can feel his heart pounding under my fingers and it mirrors my own. Bailey suddenly barks and the spell between us is broken. My hand falls from his chest and I step away just as Bella rounds the side of the truck.

  “Let’s go!” Cooper exclaims, scooping her up and strapping her into her car seat. Opening the door on the other side of the truck, I let Bailey jump in before closing the door and climbing into the passenger seat.

  Half an hour later, we’ve parked in San Clemente and are walking from the parking lot to where the big screen is set up. Cooper is holding Bailey on his leash, along with the picnic and blanket. Bella and I walk ahead of him, hand in hand. She is so excited and hasn’t stopped talking the whole way here. I’ve told her everything I know about Frozen, which isn’t much, and she’s made us pull up the music from the film on Cooper’s phone. We’ve managed to listen to a handful of songs before we arrived, and she is literally bouncing with excitement.

  Finding a spot to set up the picnic blanket, I drop Bella’s hand and help Cooper lay it out. He’s brought a stake for Bailey’s leash, which he forces into the ground, allowing Bailey some freedom without letting him off completely.

  Looking around, there are families as far as the eye can see, many of them setting up picnic blankets just like us. Hundreds of little girls and boys are dressed up, some in Frozen outfits. Glancing at Bella, I’m glad I bought her a dress.

  “When does the movie start?” Bella asks excitedly as she dances around. I pull out my phone and check
the time.

  “In about fifteen minutes. Why don’t you sit down and have a sandwich before it starts?” I suggest, patting the space next to me on the blanket. She nods and sits down. Cooper is pulling container after container out of the picnic basket and I open them, offering them to Bella. She chooses a ham sandwich and a packet of chips.

  “Bella, sweetheart, can I talk to you for a minute?” Cooper asks, and I can hear the nerves in his voice. She spins around to face him and nods. “You know how much you like Lexi?” Her eyes slide to mine, and she nods. “Well, Daddy likes her, too. Daddy likes her a lot.” He reaches across and laces his fingers with mine. Bella watches us and a smile breaks out on her face.

  “Is Lexi your girlfriend, Daddy? Like Aunt Maddie is Uncle Alex’s girlfriend?”

  “Yeah, baby girl, she is.”

  She frowns for a minute before looking at me. “Are you thirty, Lexi?” she asks. I look at Cooper, and he shrugs.

  “Erm… No. I’m twenty-six, Bells. Why?”

  “Daddy says I’m not allowed a boyfriend until I’m thirty.” I look to Cooper for help, but he’s trying not to laugh behind his hand.

  “Well, my daddy said I had to wait until I was twenty-five. All daddy’s have different rules, you see.” It sounds like bullshit, even to my ears. I just hope she buys it. I can see her mind ticking until she eventually nods.

  “Will you be kissing like Aunt Maddie and Uncle Alex?”

  “Sometimes,” Cooper replies. “Is that okay?”

  She shrugs and nods. “I guess.”

  “Lexi might have a sleepover some nights, too. That would be fun, right?” I look at Cooper in surprise, and he winks at me.

  “Can Lexi sleep in my room?” she asks excitedly. I hide a smile as I wonder how he’s going to answer.

  “Erm, I’m not sure where she’s going to sleep yet. We’ll have to figure it out.”

  She seems satisfied with his response, but suddenly, she gets all excited and claps her hands.

  “Are you going to get married? Sophia at preschool… Her mommy got married. She got to wear a pretty dress and throw flowers, and there was a big cake!” Before either of us can answer, she gasps and jumps up. “Are you going to have a baby? I want a baby sister, not a brother. Ava’s got a baby brother and she says he smells.” She looks at me expectantly, and I turn to Cooper, my eyes wide. He takes Bella’s hand and pulls her down onto his lap.

  “I think someone is getting a little ahead of themselves,” he says calmly as he tickles her. “Eat your lunch before the movie starts.” He sits her down on the blanket, pushing the paper plate with her sandwich on in front of her. Picking up her sandwich, she takes a bite. I breathe a sigh of relief that the questions seem to have ended.

  You okay? Cooper mouths to me over Bella’s head. I smile and nod. Despite the slightly awkward questions from her, she seems to have taken the news of Cooper and I well.

  There is music playing while we wait for the movie to start, and once Bella has finished her lunch, she dances around in front of the blanket. It isn’t long before she’s made a friend in the little girl on the picnic blanket just across from us.

  “Well, that went well,” Cooper whispers into my ear as he shuffles closer. I smile, covering his hand with mine.

  “It did. She’s got us married and pregnant already,” I say with a chuckle.

  “I love the simplistic thinking of a four-year-old.” He reaches over and kisses me gently on the mouth. “I also love being able to kiss you whenever I want.”

  “Hmmm, I love that, too,” I mutter against his lips.

  Over an hour later, the film is nearly finished, and Bella has been transfixed since the opening credits. I smile to myself knowing once we’re home, we’re all going to be forced to watch Frozen on a loop. I’m lying on the blanket with my head on Cooper’s lap. My eyes are heavy as he strokes his hands through my hair and I fight to keep them open. As the credits roll, Bella turns to us, a huge smile on her face.

  “That was brilliant!” she exclaims. “Elsa and Anna are just like me, aren’t they?”

  “What do you mean, Bells?” Cooper asks.

  “Their mommy is in heaven, like mine.”

  “Yeah, baby girl. That’s right,” he answers sadly.

  “Are you going to be my new mommy, Lexi?”

  I feel Cooper tense beneath me, and I look up to see a mask of sadness covering his handsome face. Slowly sitting up, I beckon Bella toward me.

  “Come here, Bells,” I say softly, holding my hand out to her. She walks the short distance to me and I sit her down. “No one can ever replace your mommy, sweetheart. She loved you very much.”

  Bella nods and looks up at the sky. “She’s up there.” She points up.

  “That’s right.”

  She looks up at the sky for a few seconds before looking back at me.

  “Can she be my mommy in the sky and you be my mommy here?”

  My breath catches in my throat and I feel tears well in my eyes at her words. Feeling out of my depth, I turn to Cooper, who also has tears threatening. I have no idea what to say to her. If I’m honest, I want to wrap her in my arms and tell her yes. I already love her unconditionally but it’s not my decision to make. We’ve not been together long enough to be making huge decisions like that. What if things don’t work out? She’d lose me like she lost Emerson, but she’d remember this time. Maybe we should have waited to tell her about our relationship. Cooper hasn’t said anything, and my eyes silently plead with him. Finally, he snaps out of his daze. Reaching for Bella, he pulls her onto his lap.

  “I think…maybe Lexi could be your mommy one day. Would you like that?”

  She looks at me and nods. “I want a mommy like everyone else,” she says quietly. A single tear falls down my cheek, and I quickly wipe it away. It doesn’t go unnoticed, though.

  She scrambles off Cooper’s lap, flinging her arms around my neck. “Are you sad, Lexi?” she asks, her voice muffled in my shoulder. I hold her close as I look across at Cooper.

  “No, sweetheart. I’m not sad.” I pause and gently pull her back so that I’m facing her. “I love you.”

  “I love you, too, Lexi,” she says shyly. A smile erupts on her face and I hug her close again. Catching Cooper’s eye over her shoulder, he smiles. I smile back, feeling relieved that we’ve somehow managed to placate Bella without properly answering her question.

  After we’ve tidied up, I lift a sleepy Bella into my arms, carrying her back to the truck. Cooper walks by my side, Bailey’s leash in one hand and all the picnic paraphernalia in the other. We sing and tell jokes all the way home in a bid to keep Bella awake. Letting her have a power nap now would mean she’d be awake way past her bedtime.

  Our plan works. Bella is still awake when we arrive home. After a bath, some dinner, and a snuggle on the sofa, Cooper carries her up to bed. I follow, kissing her on the cheek as I tuck the comforter around her. Leaving Cooper to read her a story, I head downstairs to clean up in the kitchen after dinner. Just as I’m finished, Cooper walks in.

  “I think I might need a drink after today. Do you want one?” he asks, opening the refrigerator.

  “Please. I think there’s some wine left.” I open the cupboard above my head, grab a wine glass, and place it on the breakfast bar. As Cooper turns from the refrigerator, he’s holding a bottle of beer and a half-full bottle of white wine. Pouring me a glass, he hands it to me before twisting the top off his bottle.

  “Well, today didn’t quite go as I’d planned,” he says, taking a pull of his beer.

  “No… I didn’t expect her to say half of what she did.”

  He sighs and sits down heavily at the breakfast bar. “I guess she just wants to be the same as everyone else. The older she gets, the more aware she is that just having a dad makes her different.”

  “Do you think maybe we should have waited to tell her about us?” I ask, taking a sip of my wine.

  “Waited?”

  “You know,
until we’d been together a bit longer.”

  “Oh… Maybe.” He frowns as he picks up his beer, and I know I’ve said the wrong thing.

  “Cooper, what’s wrong?”

  He stands up and walks away from me, stopping at the glass doors that lead into the back yard. “I would never have told her if this were some casual fling, Lex. Maybe this means more to me than it does to you.” His voice is flat, and with his back to me, I can’t read his expression. A feeling of panic washes over me as I realize he thinks I’m not serious about him.

  Placing my wine on the breakfast bar, I cross the room and stand behind him. Wrapping my arms around him, my hands settle over his heart. As I rest my head on his back, I feel him sigh.

  “Cooper, the intensity of my feelings for you scare the hell out of me,” I say quietly into his back. “Nothing about what’s happening between us is casual for me. I’m sorry if what I said made you think that.” I feel him take a sharp intake of breath before his hand comes up to cover mine on his chest. “You hold all the cards here, Coop. I love that little girl upstairs, but how quickly I become embedded in her life is up to you. I’m happy to wait as long as it takes.”

  He moves my hands from his chest and turns around, cupping my face. “You’re already embedded in her life, Lex. I want you in her life. I want you in mine…” He trails off. I feel like he’s not saying everything he wants to.

  “But…” I prompt. He drops his hand from my face and runs it through his hair.

  “I’m not ready for her to call you mommy. I’m sorry.” He tries to turn away from me, but I stop him.

  “Hey, you don’t need to apologize—”

  “I knew starting a relationship would be hard,” he says, cutting me off. “I wasn’t sure if I could let Emerson go. But when I’m with you, Lex, it’s like all of my broken pieces fit together again.” He shakes his head and runs his hand down his face. “I know this probably doesn’t make any sense, but if I’m letting her go, it feels like all she has left is Bella. It can’t be like she never existed.” I see pain flash across his face. I fight back the tears that are forming, knowing he’s hurting.