Find Me

by A. L. Wood

  I wait until we get our jackets back from the coat check before I ask, “If that’s the only reason we came here, why couldn’t we have done this over the phone?”

  “They require either the bride or groom in attendance, when making the final plans. I thought it would be easier to plan this over the phone too, but I figured we would be stopping by your parents anyway. Might as well kill two birds with one stone.”

  The dread hits my stomach like a rock. I’m dreading the confrontation that is about to ensue. Twenty minutes later, we reach my parents driveway. The house that I grew up in and Natalie later, did as well.

  “Did you call them to tell them that we were coming today?” I ask.

  “No, I thought it would be better to surprise them, seeing as how we haven’t been home in well over a year.” Natalie says smiling.

  She’s always hated someone surprising her, but loved doing it to someone else. This is a surprise I didn’t want to happen. We slide out of the car to walk up the pathway leading to the front door. I follow behind Natalie. As she reaches out to knock on the door, the door whips open and my mother reaches out to enfold her in her arms.

  The perfect welcoming home, and the worst ending to all of the lies. My mom lets go of Natalie and situates her body sideways, so we can come in. “What a nice surprise!” She exclaims, “Let me go get your father.” She says looking at me.

  Again, the fake stepford wife routine. Happiness all around, that’s forgery. Natalie and I walk into the living room and seat ourselves on the oversized sofa. My stomach is rolling with waves of nausea and my body is anxious to get this out and in the open. To leave here, to find out how Natalie is going to react.

  Maybe this was a stupid decision. I should have fought against her wanting to come here, of inviting them. What if she relapses and this sets her back?

  My mother enters the room shortly after, “Your father will be down in a minute. So tell me, are you girls in town for a while?” Her kind way of asking what we’re doing there.

  I remain mute, so Natalie answers instead. It should be her place anyway. The only reason I even enter through the door is because of her and it’s her news to share to begin with.

  “Well, I was hoping to share my news with you and pops.” Natalie smiles, saying her nickname for my father.

  Something she started when we were kids and my father took to being proud, because of it. It was a thing she and he had between them.

  We sit there awkwardly silent, neither of us having anything to say, until my father comes down. I can hear the clock ticking on the brick mantle over the fireplace. Every second is one tick and I find myself counting.

  Each second that passes by, one of them being the possibility of an end of friendship for Natalie and I. I need that number, the number of ticks that goes by when it is the beginning to the end.

  “Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars.”

  -Khalil Gibran

  Chapter 19

  Liam

  Today is the first day that Ryan’s been left alone with Temperance, and he’s a nervous wreck. I know he’s only been a father for a matter of days, but you would think that a baby is some sort of alien concept and it’s impossible to care for.

  I woke up about an hour ago to what I thought was Temperance crying. Turns out, it was the television and Ryan was watching Baby Stories on TLC. It was ‘research’ he claimed. I laughed at him and told him that the best way to get experience is hands on.

  That hasn’t gone so well. So far Temperance has had three diapers replaced, because each one was put on incorrectly and it took three of us just to button up one of the layettes that Nat had her wearing.

  I can see myself being a decent uncle, when she’s older of course. Holding her, I still get nervous. She’s so fragile and small. She smells of formula and warmth. Babies. Who would’ve thought?

  The designer for the tuxedos should be here any minute. Ryan’s designated me to making sure Jason and Zepp are awake. Gage woke before me, probably to the sound of a baby crying too.

  Zepp and Jason’s rooms are next door to one another, diagonal from Ryan and Natalie’s room. I knock on Zepps’ door first, “Zepp, are you decent?”

  No response. So I knock on Jason’s door, “Jace, are you decent?” I hear nothing but silence back. Fuckers. I’ve seen them in the nude more times than I can count and even more then I have ever wanted to. Knowing them, they’re lying in bed naked at this moment.

  Well, I guess if they didn’t want me to do this then they should have set their alarms. I run through the halls leading to the staircase into the kitchen. I find an empty pitcher in one of the cupboards and fill it halfway with ice cold water, the other half with actual ice. I use a long handled spoon to stir it up, making sure that the water is as cold as the ice.

  How in the hell am I going to pull of icing both of them? I quickly find another empty pitcher and dump half of my mixture in. The person whose help I need happens to walk into the kitchen, as I finish pouring the water.

  “Gage, I need your help. They’re still asleep, you game?” I ask smirking. Of course he’s game.

  I hand over one of the pitchers to him, “You’ve got Zepp.”

  He nods his head. We run up the stairs from the kitchen. As soon as we hit the landing, we make sure to walk quietly. It’s like we switch into commando style. Quietly maneuvering our bodies along the walls and throughout the corridors, I press my back up against the wall right next to Jason’s door, while Gage does the same next to Zepp’s.

  I hold my free hand up and slowly draw up one finger, then two and on three, we open the doors and run in. Sure enough, Jason is in the buff, free of even his sheets. I don’t waste a second hesitating. I toss the pitcher on his genitals. I don’t dump it on his face, because I don’t want him to drown. But I will teach him a lesson about sleeping in the nude when you’re staying at someone’s house as a guest.

  Jason sits upright, as soon as the ice water makes contact and screams in a shrill female sounding voice. I bend over, holding my stomach laughing, not only because of Jason’s reaction, but because I can hear Zepp and Gage’s. I’m pretty sure that Zepp woke in a shock and then reacted immediately with violence. When I’m able to catch my breath, I notice that Jason threw on a pair of jeans.

  “You’re an asshole, man. A clever ass, but one nonetheless.” He says, while smiling respectively. Seeing as how this play is one from his books.

  “I had to wake you up. The person should be here soon that’s going to fit us for the tuxes. In my defense, I did attempt waking you up by knocking. It’s not my fault you didn’t answer. Also, Zepp got the same.”

  “I’m sure you tried very hard to wake me up, you know by pounding on the door numerous times and yelling my name, before you decided to wake me by this route,” Jason says. He knows me all too well. Then he adds in, “whomever got Zepp, most likely got it worse.” He knows Zepp well also.

  After they finally get dressed, Zepp and Jason meet Ryan, Gage, and I in the great room, where the designer of said tuxes for the wedding is sitting up his station.

  The male doing this has brought a suitcase of needles, thread and measuring tape, added in with pencils and sheets of paper that already have a design for a tuxedo drawn. He carries in a three by two foot circular platform. Where he insists we stand before one another in nothing but our briefs, or in some cases, nothing at all. Ryan and I are apparently the only ones who believe in wearing some kind of material between your balls and your jeans.

  The designer spends about an hour on each of us, measuring every limb, the inseams and width of every limb as well, before he calls it quits and decides he has enough measurements to make us all tuxedos that will fit like a mold to our forms.

  When all is said and done, the girls are expected to be back within a few hours, nearing dinner time. Ryan insists on each of us helping him make dinner and care for the princess.

  As a g
roup we make the most effective decision regarding dinner, make something easy. Something not one of us could end up fucking up. The result is macaroni and cheese with hot dogs cut up and tossed throughout. You’re never too old to enjoy this kind of dinner.

  The easier of the two was watching princess. We took turns carrying the handheld baby monitor and checking on her. It was Gage’s turn when Ryan decided to sneak out for a quick smoke and I chose to follow him.

  He flicks his lighter, sending flame to his cigarette, when I ask the question that I had been holding back until we could get a moment alone. Something that had been on my mind since he and I had talked last night.

  “Will you help me?”

  “Help you with what? I mean, you know I would help you with anything, but what’s this about?” He asks seriously.

  “What you said last night. It’s been running through my mind all day. You know better than anyone that I have tried everything under the sun to move past my past. You’re the only one that I have spoken a word to about my past. I was thinking maybe I should seek out a professional. Maybe they can help. Maybe they’ll succeed, where I’ve failed.”

  “What do you need me to do?”

  “I don’t know, maybe help me find someone. I sound like an emotional female with this, asking for help when I’m a grown ass man. I’m just sick of living like this, unhappy, when I have every reason to be happy and grateful for everything that I have done and what I have.”

  “I don’t think you’re being overly emotional, Liam. You’re being human. Sometimes we have so much shit in our past that it’s impossible to move forward without the help from another.”

  “I know, it’s just not normal for me to go about asking for help,” I hang my head, “and I’m lonely. I see you with this family and how much it’s helped you. Just finding Natalie has lifted you up. Maybe I can be fortunate enough to find someone who does that for me too.”

  “You’ll find someone. First things first, though. Help from a professional.”

  “The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.”

  -Ernest Hemingway

  Chapter 20

  Layla

  The silence, already uncomfortable, makes it even more awkward when my father enters the room. He doesn’t move toward me or Natalie to greet us. No hug, no handshake, not even a hello.

  He hangs his head, in what I know to be shame. Complete and utter shame with himself and his actions and what the consequences were. Either Natalie doesn’t sense the tension in the air or she chooses to ignore it. As soon as my father seats himself in the chair feet away from us, she pipes up.

  “Hey Pops, Layla and I happened to be in town and instead of calling, we thought it would be so much better to come over and tell you in person,” She lets them take in her words before continuing on. “I had a baby, a girl. Her name is Temperance. She’s the most beautiful little thing you’ve ever seen. Isn’t she Lals?” She looks to me for encouragement, because my parents have yet to say anything.

  “She is. She looks just like Natalie. She’s so peaceful and happy too.” I add in.

  Natalie picks right back up, “Also, I’m getting married, in three weeks. I wanted you guys to be there, and I don’t know, maybe you would do me the honor of giving me away, Pops?”

  For what feels like minutes, there’s no reply on my parents end. My mother’s face is frozen in shock and my father has yet to even glance in our direction. Until he starts crying, softly and quietly at first.

  He lifts his head and looks straight into Natalie’s eyes, crying his eyes out. Even when I learned of the truth, my father never once cried about it. He’s never had one tear in his eye in front of me.

  Natalie gasps. She doesn’t know what to say. Wondering whether it’s because she asked him to give her away or because he’s disappointed in her. I know all too well how her mind works. I can’t let her go on thinking that it’s something that she’s done.

  “Natalie, it’s not you.”

  She looks at me in question. I’m at a loss for words. Do I confess for my dad? Or is he going to?

  I look to my mother, who’s still standing in horror. She too realizes this is the moment. The moment she’s been dreading for years. I look to my dad, who still has tears running down his face and he speaks.

  “Natalie, I would love the honor of giving you away. God knows I would. But I cannot accept, until you know the truth.”

  “What are you talking about?” Natalie asks, clueless to what she’s about to hear. I grab her hand and give it a squeeze.

  “The truth about the accident.” My father tells her.

  “But I already know the truth. We don’t have to rehash this again.”

  “Nat, you don’t know the truth. Please just listen to what he has to say and then we can leave, just listen.” I plead, but also reveal that I know.

  “Oh, Okay,” She says, unsure.

  My father begins his tale. The truth, not the one that he and my mother concocted.

  “I know what I told you, what my wife told you. We only told you those things, because we wanted to protect you. We didn’t want to break your heart more than it already was. When I heard that you overdosed, I thought that was why. That Layla had told you the truth. Only after I found out that wasn’t what it was at all, I realized how cruel I have been. That you deserved to know the truth and even if you hated me for the rest of my life, I would be able to bare it, knowing that you finally knew. I can’t live like this anymore, you not knowing.”

  “What in the hell is going on?” Natalie asks, glaring at me.

  My dad continues on, “I loved your mother years before she loved me. We knew it was wrong and that it shouldn’t have been happening. But we did it anyway and we fell in love. We had an affair. I was going to leave my wife, Layla’s mother, for your mother. But she was in love with your father, as well as with me. I begged her, but she wouldn’t budge. It went on for a while, years.”

  “What? My…my mother and you were in love?” She asks in shock.

  “Yes, we were like lovesick teenagers. Foolish really. Your father had no clue, unlike my wife, until that night. The night of the accident, the truth came out. Even though she never planned on leaving your dad, it didn’t matter to him. He was furious and I was intoxicated. We were arguing back and forth, all of us. You’re dad punched me in the side of the face and I lost control of the wheel. If I could take it back, I would. I would trade my life for theirs. I swear it, Natalie.” My father says on a loud sob.

  Natalie sits in shock for a few moments, not saying a word. Most likely replaying in her head what my father had just revealed, when she looks to me, letting go of my hand.

  “You knew?” She asks.

  “Yes, I knew.”

  “You’ve known the entire time?” She accuses, tears falling down her face.

  “Not the entire time, but long enough.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me? We’ve lived together, not one day apart, since that day and you’ve never once mentioned a word. Why? Why didn’t you just tell me? Instead, here, now, like this.” She yells, sobbing now.

  And I can’t blame her. I should have told her sooner, years ago. I shouldn’t have had to bring her here to know the truth. It should have come from me. It would have been easier on her, if it had been me telling her.

  I shake my head. I have no excuses and nothing I say will make up for any of it. I try holding my tears at bay. I don’t deserve to be upset over the mess that I’ve created.

  Natalie jumps up, “I- uh I have to leave now. We have a plane to catch back home. I’ll give you guys a call okay?” She says, swiping tears away from her eyes.

  She refuses to hug my parents, rightfully so, or to even meet my eyes, again rightfully so. She stands up quickly and leaves. I chase her out of the house silently. It’s not until we are thirty five thousand feet in the air that she speaks to me.

  “I just can’t wrap my mind around it, Layla. The enti
re situation. You had to of known what I was going into when we arrived. No wonder you didn’t want me inviting them. You didn’t want me to know, did you?” I start to respond, but she cuts me off. “No, I don’t need you to confirm it. Your actions answer for themself. I just don’t know why you never told me. And you chose today for me to find out. I need time to think, Lals. When we land, I’m going to have another car there to take you home. I’ll call you when I’m ready.”

  She gets up from her seat and moves to the opposite end of the plane, with tears in her eyes.

  “There are four questions of value in life: What is sacred? Of what is the spirit made? What is worth living for? And what is worth dying for? The answer to each is the same. Only love.”

  - Johnny Depp

  Chapter 21

  Liam

  The same time that dinner is finished and Ryan and I are dishing plates out, Natalie walks in the door. Alone. Her face says it all. Her mascara is running and her eyes are red and swollen. I can’t help but wonder where Layla is.

  What happened?

  Ryan wraps his arm around her, consoling her while Gage, Zepp, Jason and I try to look the other way. Acting as if we aren’t seeing her breakdown in tears before us. Not long after Natalie leaves the room, Ryan informs us that he’s going to eat upstairs with Natalie and Temperance. Something big must have gone down for Natalie to return without Layla and tears in her eyes.

  “I’m going to head home. Traffic will be a bitch later, if I don’t leave now.” I say to the guys, explaining my quick departure.’

  I hop in my car and hope that I end up missing rush hour. If Natalie looks this bad, then I can only imagine how Layla looks.

  An hour later, I enter our apartment and it looks the same as it did when I left last night. All of the lights are off and it’s silent. I end up at Layla’s door knocking softly.