by Violet Blake
We walked to Ben & Jerry’s, Baxter plodding between us. Every once in awhile he’d plow into me and put his head under my hand, giving me no choice but to scratch his ears while we walked. I had to admit I missed the guy.
“I’ll get our orders inside,” Sawyer said. He got out a portable dish and poured the rest of his water into it for Bax. “Mind hanging out with him?”
I shook my head, and found a table on the patio with an umbrella and enough room for Bax to lie down. “I’ll have Cherry Garcia.”
“Be right back.” He ran inside, and while I waited, I petted Baxter while he drank. He rolled onto his back and stretched, and I reached down and scratched his belly. My eyes landed on a newspaper that’d been left on the table. Dated yesterday, it headlined the charity auction, and an anonymous $1 million donation. Before I could read more of it Sawyer returned, carrying my Cherry Garcia, a dish for himself, and two others that were sealed. “For Cody and Caty.”
A smile fought its way to my mouth, and I took my cup.
Sawyer clutched the bag. “I should probably get this back before it melts. You’re welcome to join me, or…whatever.”
I should go with him. Hear what he has to say, give him a chance. I’d gotten rid of my mother, and he was trying. If I didn’t like what he had to say I wasn’t under any obligation, right? Besides, I hated not having him in my life. Even if it had only been a week.
“Okay.”
We walked in silence for a few blocks before he said anything. “John told me about his meeting with you yesterday.”
“And?”
“You held your own pretty well,” he said.
“Pretty well? Excuse me, but that was bigger than Dorothy beating the Wicked Witch.”
“Yeah, but you didn’t win because of a coincidence. You did it on purpose, and you let her know you weren’t going to take any shit. That was…”
“I believe the word you’re looking for is epic,” I said, and bumped his leg with my hip.
He snorted. “I’m glad you’re not feeling cocky about it or anything.”
“Hey, you try it some time. She made the President pee his pants once.”
Laughing, he shot me an incredulous grin. “She did not.”
I took a bite of my ice cream and pointed my spoon at him. “Well, I’m sure that incident is classified. But I have it on good authority that it did happen.”
“I don’t doubt it,” he said.
We didn’t say anything else on the walk to his house. Baxter walked between us and we ate our ice cream. Despite a few jokes between us, the tension mounted with every step. Lots of unresolved issues still needed to be taken care of. On top of that he was moving away. So what would any of this solve?
When we reached his block, Cody and Caty flew out of the yard and down the sidewalk.
They crouched in front of the dog and Caty hugged Bax. Baxter let out a howl and his tail wagged so hard I thought he’d knock the munchkins down. Then he rolled onto his belly and lifted his head to lick Caty.
Her sweet little face crumpled, and for a moment I thought she’d cry, but she let out a peal of laughter. “You do it!” she said to her brother.
He stuck his face in front of Baxter’s and got the same treatment. The siblings looked at each other and erupted in laughter, and I couldn’t help but join in. They were covered in dog slobber, so I handed them napkins.
“Your parents are going to be upset with me,” I said.
Cody leaned in close to me and put his finger in front of his lips. “It will be our secret.”
I made a zipper motion over my lips and winked. We followed Sawyer to the common yard, where he put a cup of vanilla in front of Baxter.
He handed Cody a cup. “Vanilla for you, I believe?”
Cody nodded and took the cup and a pink spoon before digging in.
“Chunky Monkey with rainbow sprinkles, chocolate syrup, strawberries, and whipped cream for Miss Caty,” Sawyer said, and handed her the cup.
“Girls are so much trouble,” Cody grumbled.
Caty, not to be outdone, stood up straight and puffed up her chest. She pointed at Cody. “We are not trouble!”
“Yes you are.” Cody clearly hadn’t learned that it never paid off to argue with his sister.
She turned and stuck out her tongue at him, then at Sawyer.
I leaned in as if I were going to divulge state secrets. “We girls have to stick together, don’t we?”
She nodded emphatically. “Your brother is mean.”
“He’s not my brother,” I said, giggling inside over the thought, “but he’s still a pain.”
“Hey,” Sawyer said. He held up his spoon and made a what-the-hell? face at me.
“Quiet, Sally,” I shot back, and stuck my ice cream in my mouth before I gave in to the temptation to slather it on his body just so I could lick it off.
Cody made a face. “Your name is Sally? What kind of a name is that for a boy?”
I laughed, inhaling my ice cream into the wrong tube. Coughing, I wiped away tears, and waited for the craptastic choking to subside.
“She calls me that when she’s making fun of me.” Sawyer handed me a napkin and I used it to wipe the tears out of my eyes. I couldn’t stop giggling and choking and the last thing I wanted was to die by ice cream. Not when there were better, more dignified ways to die.
“I bet she calls you that a lot,” Cody said, and used his spoon like a catapult to hit Caty with his vanilla.
She ducked under it like a champ and put her hand on her lip. “What. Ever, Sal-LEE.”
I had to bite my lip to keep from laughing.
“See what you started?” Sawyer turned to me, shaking his head disapprovingly, but don’t think I didn’t miss the gleam that’d appeared.
“If she’s not your sister, what is she?” Cody asked. His nose wrinkled in anticipation, as if he’d already figured out there was some form of kissing going on between us.
“Duuuuuuh,” his sister sang out. “She’s his wiiiiiiiiife.”
Before I could protest, Sawyer leaned in to talk to the kids. “She isn’t yet, but I hope one day she will be.”
Every life-supporting process in my body ceased. What? Where did that come from? Dumbfounded, my mouth fell open and I stared at him, wondering if my own little fantasies had somehow invaded reality. I stared into my ice cream cup and clenched my teeth. Tears stung my eyes and I tried to get my emotions in check. He could not say that. Not after everything.
Cody stuck his finger down his throat, making some of the ice cream drip down his chin. “That’s just sick.”
Like he was one to talk.
Sawyer nodded. “I know.”
“Why do girls cry all the time?” Cody asked.
“Because boys are mean!” his sister supplied. She threw one of her precious strawberries at his face, hitting her mark.
Sawyer handed Cody and me each a napkin and put his hand on my back. “Girls do that sometimes. You have to be sure you have lots of ice cream and hugs around. And you have to learn to say sorry a lot, too.”
The boy cast a dubious sneer Sawyer’s way. “You’re crazy.”
“One day you’ll understand,” Sawyer said, squeezing my shoulder.
Could these kids be any freaking cuter?
He frowned at my hand. “Where’s your ring?”
Sadness at having to let go of my grandmother’s ring hit me. I shrugged, trying to shake off the onslaught of emotion. “I had to sell it to get my car fixed.”
“I’m sorry. I could have—”
“Don’t. Please.”
The four of us ate in silence for a minute, until Cody broke the ice.
“If I ever have to get married, want my wife to call me Lord of Greyskull,” Cody said.
Sawyer nodded, appearing to consider that. “Good luck with that.”
I pointed my spoon at him. “Don’t even think about it, Callahan.”
“Lord Callahan to you,” Sawyer said.
Rolling her eyes and sighing, she huffed. “Boys.”
“Right?” I said.
Vanessa walked into the backyard and waved to the kids. “Let’s leave these guys alone, stop wreaking havoc on their afternoon, huh?”
Caty sprang up, leaving dozens of sprinkles in her wake. “Bye!”
Cody leaned over to whisper something in Sawyer’s ear. Sawyer listened intently, a smile slowly overcoming his entire face.
“Come on, Sally!” Caty yelled.
“Don’t call me that!” Cody ran to catch up with her, leaving Sawyer and I alone.
“Now they’re calling me Sally,” he said.
“Don’t look at me. Ben started it, if I remember correctly.”
“Remind me to show him how much I appreciate that.”
I took a bite of my Cherry Garcia, which was melting, and remembered the wife thing. “You can’t say things like that out of the blue.”
“Like what?”
“You know what.”
“Oh…that.” He turned to me and his eyes locked with mine. “Even though you’re pissed at me right now one day I hope you will forgive me and that you will be my wife.”
Which of course made me start to cry again. “You can’t do that to me. Damn it, Sally.”
He handed me a napkin. “I love you, Blair Bartlett.”
More tears. I pointed at my eyes and gave him a hopeless shrug. “What the hell? Why are you doing this to me?”
He dabbed at my cheeks with a clean napkin. “Because I broke your heart. Until I fix it, this is what’s going to keep happening, and I hate that I make you feel that way.”
Too tired to protest, I let him dry my cheeks and closed my eyes. I didn’t know how we’d make this work. After everything that had been said, with him moving, and me stuck in a job that I desperately needed here, it would take an act from the heavens for a happily ever after.
His lips brushed against my forehead. “Want to come inside with me?”
I nodded, walked inside, and sat on the couch while he grabbed some water bottles in the kitchen.
He sat next to me and handed me a bottle. How could he act so naturally? My whole body was flipping the fuck out on the inside. I opened my water but I couldn’t drink it. I set it on a coaster on the table and turned my attention back to Sawyer.
“I didn’t plan for this,” he said, at the same time I said, “This is awkward.”
We laughed, and I gestured to him. “You go first.”
“This was easier in my mind,” he said, finally letting some of his own anxiety come to the surface. “I was ready to tell you everything, but now you’re here and… I feel as if the world depends on this.”
“Does it help if I admit I’m kind of freaking out, too?” I allowed a small smile to crack. “And when I was imagining just throwing every available object at you to make you go away, it was easier than having you buy me ice cream and be all nice to me.”
He leaned forward and planted his chin on his knuckles. “You were going to throw things at me?”
“I like to throw things. What can I say?”
He looked down at his hands, dragged his thumb across his palm, and gradually moved his attention back to me. “The way I acted, and what I said, was inexcusable. I can’t begin to ask you to forgive me for that, but I want to tell you why.”
I nodded, holding my hands against my lap. Part of me wanted to reach out to hold his hand. The other part still hurt. And I wasn’t sure of anything right now. Best to keep everything in check until I heard the whole story.
“I was eleven when my parents were murdered. Two men broke into our house, presumably to rob the place, and my parents were shot. That’s the story the public heard.” He held his fist up to his mouth and blew into it, slowly deflating his lungs. The hand in his lap trembled the tiniest bit, just enough for me to notice.
“What nobody else knows is what my uncle John had sealed. They had planned to kidnap me and get a ransom. But my dog heard them come in, and woke up my dad. When Dad found them in my room, and me tied and gagged, he tried to fight them. But we all know how well a fight between an unarmed man and two men with guns goes.”
I closed my eyes, shaking my head. My hand closed over the one he held in his lap. Underneath the surface his muscles clenched so tight his hand shook. “I’m so sorry.”
He looked down at our hands. “I’ve never been able to tell anybody what happened next. It was all in the report, and my psychologists and aunt and uncle knew, but I’ve never—I’ve never been able to talk about it.”
“You don’t have to—”
“I do. It came between us, and I said some horrible things to the person who’s most important to me. I don’t want it to get in the way of us ever again.”
My insides knotted. Fear over hearing what had happened to him took hold, but I couldn’t let him stop. I had to know. “Okay.”
“When my mom heard the gunshots she came running, and when she got into the room, they…they shot her, too.” His knee tapped up and down in a staccato rhythm, and he brought his fist down hard on his thigh. “There was so much…blood…I knew they were g-gone but I was tied up and…” He shrugged, his voice coming to a quiet stop.
I held back tears, scared that if I showed any emotion he wouldn’t continue.
He rubbed a thumb over the opposite hand’s wrist. “There was nothing I could do. Not to save my parents, or myself. I wanted to give up, to die with them, but they threw me into the back of their trunk. For hours and hours they drove, until finally they stopped.”
I scooted closer to him, until our legs touched. My head rested on his shoulder and I took his hands in mine. Tightness overtook my throat, but somehow I found enough voice to speak. “How did you get away?”
“The police tracked them down, shot them.”
I nodded and kissed his shoulder.
“When I saw your list I thought I could handle the being tied up part, didn’t think it would be an issue.” His eyes shiny, he gave me the saddest smile. “Until that night I attacked you.”
“You didn’t know what was happening, though. It was confusing, and it’s not your fault.”
“The fear in your eyes…” He shook his head. “I never want to see that again. For a few days I hoped you’d just forget about me, but then you came to my office and ripped me a new one.”
“And you didn’t think you could tell me the truth,” I said. “I get it. I do. This is some seriously heavy stuff to have to deal with. But why did you think you could ignore it all this time? I think you and I both know problems don’t just disappear.”
“It worked for me for the last ten or so years,” he admitted.
“What about the other six?”
“Right after I came to live with John and Cecilia, I was a wreck. Got into fights, got into trouble, took all of my anger out on everything around me. They nearly went broke fixing the destruction I left behind. Then John took me to a karate school, where I figured out how to get into fights without getting into trouble.” Sawyer gave me a brief, crooked smile.
“So after that night at my place…what happened?”
“Everything I’d thought was long gone came back. Seeing you on the ground like that…it triggered something. I could no longer sleep on my own, let alone with you. Every night you’d stay over I made myself stay awake so I wouldn’t hurt you again.”
That explained so much. Shaking my head, I tightened my grip around his hand. “I’m not scared of you.”
“What if I’m scared of myself?” His eyes seemed to search for something hidden in my expression. The crease between his brows deepened, and I felt him slipping away.
“Hey. We’ll figure this out, okay? I’ve just learned the finer points of blackmail and taking down a corrupt Senator. If I can do that, you can beat the shit out of this.”
Chuckling, he shook his head, the corners of his
eyes crinkling. “Well, when you put it that way…”
“It’s not going to be easy, but you’ve got this, Callahan.”
“I’ve been going to a therapist this week,” he admitted, his gaze leaving mine. “When I was in high school I stopped going because I thought I was all right.”
“That’s a good start, isn’t it?”
“I think so.”
I hoisted myself up onto my knees and turned sideways so I could put my arms around him. Resting my chin on his shoulder, I said, “We started out a bit backward. I thought I could do all these crazy things with you, and I could switch my feelings off.”
“We could start over,” he said.
“We could.”
“Or…”
“Or what?” If he called this off I really would start throwing things at him.
“I got some great advice this afternoon, from a kid who is wise beyond his four years.”
“What?”
He winked and held up his hand, standing. “Don’t go anywhere. Promise?”
“Yeah, but—”
Too late. He ran to the steps, taking them two at a time.
When he returned he had a tin Transformers lunchbox in hand, the contents jingling loudly inside. He sat and put it on his lap then rifled through it.
“If this regression of play things means you’re going to make me start calling you Lord Greyskull, I’m going to be very—oh.”
He held a purple velvet box.
My breath caught. “What are you doing?”
He opened the box and with the greatest care, took out a gigantic diamond ring. “I…I think I’m doing the smartest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Blair, this is my promise to you that I’ll do my best to make you happy and not mess this up. I know the bet’s over, but I still have one thing on it. My choice. Having you with me every day and every night is my choice.”
I stared at the vintage sparkler in his hand. “You can’t—”
“This was my mother’s, and if there’s anybody else in this world who she’d want to have it, I’m sure it would be you.” His words came out thick, full of emotion. He held up my right hand and slid it onto my fourth finger. “I’ve got to earn a spot on your left hand. I promise I’ll do my best to make that happen.”