Lisa couldn’t go on talking because a huge sob escaped her mouth. Stella jumped up from where she was sitting and sat next to her cousin, wrapping her arms around her and offering the comfort she so desperately needed. After she’d calmed down a little, Lisa continued,
“He’d damaged his spine in the crash, but they operated on him and gave him the all-clear to start physiotherapy after he came out of the coma. He refused. He didn’t want to talk, to walk, to do anything. I went to visit him a few more times, feeling responsible that he was depressed because of me, because of what I’d said. I noticed that little by little the balloons, cards and flowers in his room started to disappear. His family was too ashamed of him to take him back home; he’d spoil all their fancy dinner parties. So they put him in that clinic and forgot about him. His mother visits him once every two weeks, out of obligation rather than anything else.
“I feel that what happened to him wasn’t fair. The man who killed our dads and Eric got eight years in prison, serving just four, and a fine. Now he’s out and free to live his life. Gino on the other hand, didn’t kill anyone but is stuck in that wheelchair, all the will for life sucked out of him. How is that fair, Stella?”
It wasn’t a rhetorical question: Lisa really looked at her cousin for an answer. Stella didn’t have an answer to that, so she just shrugged.
“I started visiting him in the clinic more and more often. Even though he doesn’t even focus his eyes on me, I feel strangely soothed by his presence. If I don’t see him for a few days I get agitated, disconnected. I want to get through to him, make him want to live again. But I don’t know how and it’s killing me, Stella. I’m in love with him; I’ve never felt this way about anyone, I’d do anything to help him.”
Lisa started sobbing again and Stella tightened her arms around her. She could understand being in love with someone despite all rational thought. She could also understand where Lisa was coming from with the unfairness of the situation. Who was she to judge? She’d done some awfully irrational things, too. And Lisa was right – Gino was not the man who’d killed their fathers and Eric. Stella had overreacted when she’d confronted Lisa before, and it was time to apologise and admit to some of her mistakes.
“Lis, look at me.” She lifted her head and focused her watery eyes on her cousin’s face. “I’m sorry about how I reacted before. I should have given you the chance to explain everything, but I was just so ... angry. Not at you. I’m still angry about how they died, how stupid and unnecessary their deaths were. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get over that, but that doesn’t excuse how I reacted. I should have let you explain everything before I ran off. I’m so sorry.” Lisa nodded, accepting the apology, but the tears continued running down her cheeks.
Stella felt she needed to share something equally hard to admit, because she was tired of the hole it burned in her heart. Lisa was the only person she’d consider telling this to, and perhaps it would make her cousin feel better, knowing she wasn’t the only one carrying a huge secret.
“I’ve never told anyone this, not even my mum,” she began, and her words made Lisa tilt her head to face her again. “The day he was released from prison, both my mum and I were crushed. We couldn’t believe how much three human lives were worth – four years in a cosy prison and a fine. The scumbag got back home to his family, while our lives were ruined forever. My mum spent the whole day at the graveyard, crying. I found her asleep on Eric’s grave. I’ve never felt such blind rage, Lis. I was mad at him, at the justice system, at the government, at life. I needed to do something or I was going to combust. So, that evening I did the most stupid, irresponsible, vile thing. I got a kitchen knife out of the drawer, tugged it in my bag and headed for his house. I hid outside and waited. The moment he left the house I planned to run into him and stab him repeatedly until he died in my arms.”
Stella closed her eyes, unable to look into Lisa’s. What must she think of her? How could a sane person want to kill another human being, no matter what they’ve done to deserve it? She felt Lisa’s hand on her cheek and opened her eyes to find her looking at her encouragingly. There was no judgement in her eyes. Yet.
“So, I waited. I watched him with his family through the window. They had dinner, talked and laughed. I cried. After dinner he came out to walk his dog, with his youngest daughter in tow. I cried harder. I couldn’t go through with it, not only because of the little girl, but because I just couldn’t. I didn’t have it in me to kill someone in cold blood. So I just left.”
“Stella ...” Lisa began.
“No, I’m not finished. The next day I went to the doctor for a fairly mundane appointment for what I thought was persistent heartburn. They told me I had cancer.”
“Stella, that was not ...” Lisa tried to interrupt again, sensing where she was going with this.
“It was, Lisa. It was my punishment for wanting to kill someone. God, I’m such a worthless person.” Stella buried her face in her hands as she sobbed, ashamed of what she’d just admitted.
“You’re not worthless; don’t ever think that.” Lisa grabbed Stella by the upper arms and shook her until she dropped her hands from her face and looked at her. “You were angry, and rightly so. Your protective instincts had kicked in after you saw Aunt Helen so upset. What’s important is that you didn’t go through with your plan, I doubt you ever could have. You’re a good person, Stella, but you’re human. We make mistakes, we do stupid things – it’s what makes us human. So stop judging yourself.”
“Why did I get cancer, Lisa?” Stella asked, her voice quiet, her eyes full of pain and regret. Lisa shook her head. “My mum doesn’t deserve to lose another child. I don’t deserve this after everything I’ve been through. Why? Am I such a bad person that I need to be punished constantly? My life has turned into this nightmare and I...”
Stella couldn’t continue, because her throat had closed off and all that came out of her mouth were sobs. Lisa hugged her and they stayed like that, crying and talking and consoling each other, for a very long time.
Chapter Twenty Nine
Stella took a sip of her virgin sangria as she watched Max working behind the bar. That man took the term ‘eye candy’ to a whole new level. She’d never tire of watching him move – the way his big body made every move seem effortless, precise and sexy drove her insane. Every time he stretched his arm to grab a bottle from the upper shelf, his T-shirt rode up and she got a glimpse of his abs; every time he took a glass to pour something in it Stella noticed how big his hands were and how they dwarfed the pint-sized glass; every time someone came to order a drink he looked them in the eye, smiled politely and made them feel as if they were the only customer in the bar.
Every free second he got, Max came to her and kissed her, taking a little piece of her with him. For the past week they’d been inseparable. He came to the house after she and Lisa had finished their heart to heart, and never left. He practically lived with her.
Stella felt a huge burden had lifted from her shoulders after she’d talked to her cousin and they’d both shared everything that had been bothering them. Something inside her snapped, tore and flew away, leaving her somehow lighter. She noticed a change in Lisa, too. She seemed so much calmer, so much more like the Lisa she knew, although she still became sad after every visit to Gino, closing herself off in her studio for hours. But Stella didn’t judge her. At least now she knew the reason for her irrational behaviour.
“Man, I wish someone looked at me like that.” Beppe’s voice startled Stella out of her thoughts and she realised she had been staring at Max – again.
“A lot of women look at you like that, Beppe,” Stella teased, as he took the stool next to her.
“No, not like that.” He gestured to Max and he nodded, seeming to know what his friend wanted. A moment later a beer appeared in front of Beppe and Max leaned in to kiss Stella, winked and disappeared to serve a customer.
“I know someone who looks at you differently,” Stella said
with a smile, hoping to sound nonchalant. She really wanted to make Beppe open up to her and she had no idea why. He seemed so lost sometimes, despite his cocky attitude.
“Yeah?” Beppe took a swig from his bottle, trying to hide his smirk.
“Yeah. You know her, too. Very well. She’s this little, curvaceous, feisty thing with long dark hair and amazing hazel eyes. In fact, if you look to your right you’ll see the same pair of amazing hazel eyes on someone else.” Stella pointed at Max and grinned.
“If by ’differently’ you mean like she wants to kill me, yeah, she looks at me that way.” Beppe rolled the bottle in his hands absently, staring at it. Stella wasn’t sure what her next move should be. Should she take his cue and turn the conversation in a more serious direction, or should she keep it light-hearted? What would make Beppe open up more?
“I don’t know about that,” she said, still a small smile playing on her lips. “I’ve seen you two together. When Gia fixes her gaze on you, the whole world around you disappears. You have eyes for no one else, even though women around you keep staring at you with that raw hunger in their eyes that promises a good time.”
Beppe slowly turned his head to look at Stella, inclining it to the side, clearly surprised by her observation. His warm brown eyes studied her for a few seconds before his attention turned back to his beer bottle.
“You’re surprised at what I said, or that I’ve noticed?”
“Both. I didn’t think I was that obvious.” His voice had gone low and for some reason it broke Stella’s heart. She knew very little about Beppe, and yet the need to ease his pain was almost unbearable. However, she didn’t want to push her luck. He seemed like a very private guy who wasn’t used to sharing much, even with his friends.
“Listen, Beppe – if you ever want to talk, about anything, call me. I’m a good listener.” She placed her hand on his forearm and he glanced at it before nodding. That was enough for her.
“You two look cosy,” said Max, looking at Stella’s hand on Beppe’s arm with a frown. “What’s going on?” His question was directed at his friend. Beppe’s attitude changed immediately, as if someone had pressed a switch, and his usual cockiness returned.
“You jealous, bro?” he asked, placing his arm over Stella’s shoulders and squeezing her towards him. She laughed, knowing he was just teasing Max.
“You need this arm? If so, I suggest you remove it from my girlfriend’s shoulders.”
All three of them tensed at his words. Girlfriend? Stella didn’t know how to react to that. Was she his girlfriend? They were dating exclusively, even if it was just for the duration of her stay, but did that make her his girlfriend? Max was looking at her anxiously, as if expecting her to object to the term he’d used. He didn’t look as if he was sorry he’d said it, though. Beppe was watching the silent interaction between them with amusement.
Stella’s lips spread into a slow smile and, leaning on her elbows towards Max across the bar, she said,
“Don’t worry, babe. He was just keeping me company while my boyfriend is busy working.” The satisfied smile Max awarded her made her heart ache for him. She wished it was past midnight already and they were heading home. Leaning towards her until he met her lips, Max murmured against them.
“Good.” He kissed her, slowly and deeply, not caring about anyone around them. “Go and have some fun with Beppe. I don’t want you getting bored half to death sitting here watching me all night,” he said as he separated his mouth from hers.
“There’s nothing boring about watching you all night.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake!” Beppe grumbled and, sliding off his stool, tugged on Stella’s hand until she was standing too. “Let’s go and dance before you two give me diabetes.”
Max wasn’t working at the weekend, which Stella suspected was for her benefit. Lisa, however, had taken a few extra shifts at the gallery because her co-worker was away on holiday for two weeks. Considering Gia was a no-show for the past couple of weeks and Beppe had also disappeared, that left Max and Stella alone for the whole weekend.
Stella had really hoped that Beppe would take her up on her offer to talk, but he hadn’t called. They had danced all night on Wednesday and he’d soon relaxed. When they parted ways after Max had locked up, Beppe looked almost back to normal. Stella didn’t know why she worried about him, but she couldn’t help how she felt. That night in the bar when she mentioned Gia he seemed so desperate, so broken. What had Max’s sister done to him?
“Ready to go?” Max asked, and Stella forced all thoughts of Beppe to the back of her mind. She needed to concentrate on her boyfriend right now, because apparently he had some kind of a surprise for her.
“Yes. You’re still not telling me where we’re going?” she asked, stepping outside and locking the door behind her.
“No. Quit asking. You’ll see.” Max grinned, but there was some kind of reservation behind his smile. Usually when he smiled it lit up his whole face, and it was so contagious that you couldn’t help but grin with him. Stella looked at him suspiciously, narrowing her eyes. “Just get in the car, please.”
She decided to trust him, but had a sneaking suspicion she wasn’t going to like whatever surprise he had in store for her.
*
Half an hour later they arrived at a huge, empty parking lot. It was behind a couple of commercial buildings that had all their gates and shutters locked. Max killed the engine and turned to look at Stella, his expression anxious.
“Out,” he said and flung his door open. Stella decided to humour him and got out as well, wondering why he was acting so strangely. He circled the car and came to stand beside her, running his hands through his hair nervously.
“Just spit it out, Max. You’re driving me crazy with all that cryptic behaviour.” Stella crossed her arms in front of her chest and frowned.
“OK. But don’t freak out.”
“That’s not a very good start.”
“Stella, promise me you won’t freak out before you hear what I have to say.” He grabbed her upper arms and looked in her eyes intently. She nodded, unsure what to say, and a little scared. “I brought you here to teach you to drive.”
Stella’s arms dropped to her sides and she wrung out of his grasp.
“What?” She was so shocked she didn’t know what else to say. Max knew how much she feared cars, and especially driving. How could he even think this was OK?
“You promised to listen to me.” He was still looking at her raptly, not backing down. Stella nodded, deciding to give him a chance to explain before she freaked out. “That night when you told me you were afraid of cars, you also said that you didn’t want to spend your life not actually living it, but being afraid of it. I’ve been thinking about that for a long time, Stella. I don’t want you being afraid anymore; I want to help you to overcome one of the biggest fears in your life. Driving is a necessity these days; it’s not something you should give up lightly.” He paused, waiting for her reaction. Stella didn’t know what to say. She was still terrified of getting behind the wheel of a car – that hadn’t changed, but Max’s words made sense. Taking advantage of her silence and the fact that she hadn’t run away yet, Max continued, “You’re strong, Stella. I know you are – I’ve seen it. Don’t let your fears control you. You may never actually enjoy driving, but if you do it anyway, it means you’re stronger than your fears, than your past.” She still hadn’t said anything, but her bottom lip hurt from biting it too hard. Stella wanted to do this; she wanted to let Max help her. She trusted him. The question was, could she? “Look around you, babe. There’s nobody here. We’ve got a parking lot the size of a football field all to ourselves. I’ll be right beside you; nobody’s gonna get hurt, I promise.”
On its own accord, Stella’s head nodded in agreement.
What am I doing?
Max beamed. This time his smile was absolutely genuine and not at all worried. He didn’t waste any time asking her if she was sure or if that was what she
really wanted. He knew that he had to use her momentary daze and push her to do this, otherwise she’d change her mind.
He already knows me so well, Stella thought as she climbed into the driver’s seat.
Sitting there, with the steering wheel right in front of her, she felt the panic start to rise. Max climbed in beside her and the sound of his door closing made her jump.
“Hey, look at me,” he said gently, taking her hand in his. “You can do this, tesoro. I wouldn’t push you if I thought you couldn’t. Just trust me, OK?” Stella nodded, still unable to form any words. She could do this. There was no one around. She could drive this car. It was safe.
Chanting those words again and again, Stella took a deep breath and said,
“Let’s do it.” Extending her hand for the key, she pushed it into the slot. Taking another deep breath, she pressed the ignition button and the engine roared into life. That was the easy part; she’d seen Max do it all the time. Now what?
“Put your left foot on the clutch and press it firmly all the way down. Now, put your right foot on the brake in the middle. The pedal next to it is the accelerator. You press the brake and the accelerator with your right foot; the left is only for the clutch.” Stella nodded and gripped the wheel with both hands. “Now, put your hand on the gear lever and I’ll guide you through the gears.” Max slid his hand over hers and put the gear lever into first. “Now, take your right foot off the brake, put it on the accelerator and gently press it.” Stella did as she was told and the car roared louder. “Ease your left foot off the clutch slowly while still pressing on the accelerator.”
In a heartbeat (Heartbeat #1) Page 27