“Did you hear anything I said? I did this for him! I don’t want him stuck with me in hospitals when he could be free to live his life,” Stella yelled, her eyes filling with tears. The one thing she’d always been able to count on was her mum being on her side, and now she seemed to be turning against her.
“I’ve seen you together, honey; I’m not blind. That boy will never be free to live his life if he loves you as much as I suspect he does.” Helen moved closer to Stella and hugged her. She didn’t resist. “I understand why you did what you did. But promise me something.” She pulled away to look into her mother’s eyes. Helen tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and brushed Stella’s tears with her thumbs, cupping her cheeks. “Your appointment with Doctor Hansen is next week. Promise me that if you get the all-clear, you’ll call Max.”
Stella started shaking her head, but Helen stopped her.
“Promise me, Stella. If you’re in remission, there’s no reason to stay away.”
“It can always come back, Mum. You know that ...”
“Sweetheart, you can’t think like that or you’ll never be able to live your life. You have to take every opportunity life throws at you and use it to its full advantage.”
Stella took a moment to think her words over. Was her mother right? What if the cancer was gone? The chance was very slim, but it wasn’t impossible.
“Promise me, honey.”
“OK. If I get the all-clear, I’ll call him.”
After talking to Helen, Stella felt better than she had in days. She tidied her room, even though her suitcase still remained locked in her closet. Then she took a long shower, blow-dried her hair and got dressed in jeans and a clean T-shirt, instead of the pyjamas that she hadn’t taken off for the past four days. She even found the strength to switch on her laptop and Skype Lisa, who was really happy to hear from her. They chatted for almost an hour, avoiding topics like Max and cancer. After they’d said their goodbyes, Stella checked her email and almost fell off her bed when she saw two emails from Massimo Selvaggio. Her heart thumped loudly in her chest and her ears became deaf to everything around her except the blood rushing to her brain. Her instinct was to delete them without reading them – but her finger paused. She’d promised her mum that she’d give their relationship another chance if she got the all-clear. Then maybe she could peek at his emails, not replying until she’d had her appointment with the doctor.
God, she missed him. She needed to know what he’d said.
Stella,
I miss you so much.
I don’t have any other way of contacting you – Lisa refuses to give me your home address or number. Thank God you decided to send me that hilarious video with that horse and at least I’ve got your email address.
So I’m stuck writing you emails.
Why did you leave? I’ve been asking that same question over and over and I still don’t have an answer. I don’t believe for a second you don’t love me, so what is it?
Not knowing why you left me is awful.
I’m lost without you, tesoro.
I love you.
Please ... Write back. Or call. I need to hear your voice.
Yours, Max.
Stella could barely read the final lines. Her vision was blurry from tears. Hands shaking, she clicked on the second email, which was from this morning.
Stella,
You didn’t write back or call. It doesn’t surprise me; I never expected you to. I know first-hand how stubborn you are – it must be a family trait, because Lisa is just as stubborn. I harass her every day to give me your number, but she refuses.
I’m not giving up. I know you get my emails and I also know you’re too curious to delete them without reading. I’m going to get to the bottom of this if it’s the last thing I do. I love you and I’m not letting you go that easily. It’s never too late to fix whatever you think is standing between us.
Call me. Please. I need you, Stella.
Yours, Max.
Stella wanted to write back, but she couldn’t. Why give him false hope? It was in Max’s nature to be tenacious and try to fix everything. In a few days she’d know for sure if the cancer was back. She’d decide what to do then, but right now all she could do was hope. And pray.
That night Stella dreamed of being in Max’s arms. He held her and whispered how much he loved her. In her dream Stella was able to tell him that she loved him too. It felt so liberating, so right. A distant feeling that something was wrong hung in the air around them, but Stella was so blissfully happy that she ignored it. Out of nowhere, Max pushed her away and looked at her, hurt and disappointed.
“What do you mean, you don’t love me?” he asked.
“No, Max, that’s not what I said. I said I love you,” said Stella and tried to reach him again, but he shook his head and turned away from her. “I love you, Max. Please believe me.” She was pleading now, but all he did was drift further and further away from her, the regret in his eyes stabbing at her chest like a knife.
She woke up panting, sweating, disoriented. It took her a couple of seconds to realise where she was and that it had been only a dream. The heavy feeling in her chest remained, though. It had felt so real to finally tell Max that she loved him. Realising she’d never be able to do that, Stella fell back on the bed, desperation looming over her.
A thought popped into her head and she got up from the bed so abruptly that she felt dizzy. Steadying herself on her feet, Stella ran to her closet and, unzipping her suitcase, she rummaged through it until she found the sketch that Lisa had made of Max and her. Relief and calmness washed over her as she held it to her chest. It was the only thing she had left of Max. Going back to bed, she stared at the sketch for a few long moments before tracing his shape on the sheet and whispering,
“I love you.”
The next day Stella went to the tattoo parlour where she’d had her tattoo done two years ago. She’d told Max that love, dreams and luck were the three things no one could live without. It was time to add to the list the one he had suggested: hope.
“I’m sorry Stella, but the news is not good,” said Dr Hansen, looking at her from behind his thick-rimmed glasses. “The ultrasound shows that the cancer is back, and this time it’s spread all over your liver. We can’t operate to remove it.”
Both Stella and her mum had gone pale the moment the doctor said his first words. Stella’s whole world crashed around her as he spoke. That was it. It was over.
“What can we do, Doctor Hansen?” asked Helen.
“Chemotherapy. That’s our only option right now. The chances that it will completely cure the cancer are slim, but it will give you more time, at least.”
More time? Why would she need more time? She’d lost everything she wanted to live for. There was nothing to fight for any longer.
“No. I don’t want chemo. It’ll weaken my body, even if it prolongs my life for a few months. I don’t think it’s worth it.”
“Stella ...” her mother began, but she interrupted her.
“I’m not going through chemo again, Mum. I remember all too well the hell it put me through the last time, and for what?”
“It’s in a very early stage, Stella. The sooner you start chemotherapy, the bigger your chance of beating it.”
Helen was looking at her with wide, sad eyes. Stella owed it to her mum to at least try.
“I’ll think about it,” she lied, only because she couldn’t bear to see the grief in Helen’s eyes.
“Don’t take too long. A week at the most,” said the doctor.
“What about a transplant?” Helen asked as she got up.
“We can put you on the donor waiting list, if that’s what you want. But let me be honest: liver donors are very rare. It could take a long time to find one. If you agree to the chemo, that’ll give you a chance to wait. But if you don’t do it, the cancer could spread to the rest of Stella’s body, and then even a transplant won’t be able to save her.”
The momen
t they got home, Helen went to her bedroom and closed the door. She hadn’t said a word since they’d left the doctor’s surgery. Stella shut herself in her own bedroom, and the first thing she did was deactivate her email account. No more Max. No more emails. No contact.
She was going to die and he was much better off without her. She hoped that he would move on and forgot about her.
Hope. That’s all she had left.
Even her tears had dried up completely. She couldn’t cry; she couldn’t even get angry at the big injustice called ‘life’. All she had the strength for was sleep.
Stella must have slept for a few hours, because when Helen woke her up she felt rested.
“How are you feeling, honey?” her mum asked, and to Stella’s surprise she didn’t look as if she’d cried. The moment Helen had shut herself in her bedroom Stella had thought it was to grieve in private – but her mum looked good. No puffy eyes, no red blotches. “I just got off the phone with half a dozen people. I’ve been calling everyone I know all afternoon.”
“Calling who? And why?” asked Stella, confused.
“I’ve been researching new methods to treat liver cancer for months. I found something promising right after you’d left for Italy. There’s this new method, called chemosaturation. It’s still experimental, even though patients both in America and Europe have responded well to it, but it’s not offered on the NHS. We’d need to do it privately at the Queen Ann hospital in Oxford – that’s the only place in the country that offers the treatment. I had to pull some strings, but I managed to get us in for next week!” Helen’s face lit up in an excited smile. Stella felt dizzy. That was too much information to process in such a short time.
“Wait. So, what is this procedure exactly?” She asked the first thing that came to mind.
“They give a much higher dose of chemotherapy, injecting it directly into the liver. With traditional chemo, only about two per cent of the chemicals reach the tumours, and the rest are spread into the whole body, damaging everything in their way. With chemosaturation, they temporarily isolate the blood supply to the liver and inject the chemicals directly into it, without giving them a chance to spread to the rest of the body.”
“How about side effects?”
“There are no side effects. Patients usually go home the same day after the procedure.”
“That sounds too good to be true, Mum. Why didn’t Dr Hansen offer it as a possibility today?”
“Because it’s an experimental procedure, not offered on the NHS.”
Stella needed time to process all this. The more she thought about it, the more questions popped into her head.
“How much is it?” If it wasn’t on the NHS, that meant they had to pay for it – and it wouldn’t be cheap.
“Don’t worry about it, sweetheart. I’ll pay for it.”
“How?”
“We have savings. Hell, I’ll remortgage the house if I have to. If there’s any chance that it would work, I’d sell my soul to the devil to get the money.” Helen’s eyes filled with tears and Stella felt awful for even thinking about giving up her fight.
“Is there a chance it won’t work?” asked Stella.
“There’s always that chance, but your cancer is stage one, which makes me very optimistic of the outcome. It’s a very intense treatment that produces great results – however, it does also carry the risk of fatality.” Helen’s voice shook on the last word. But she was a doctor, and she knew that almost every procedure carried out in a hospital could end up being fatal. Stella saw determination in her mum’s eyes and she owed it to her to find the will to fight again.
“We have to try, honey. Even if it doesn’t get rid of the tumours completely, it’ll give us much more time to find a donor and you’ll be able to fully live your life, without any side effects. You could go to college. We could travel. Anything you want.”
Stella would never have what she wanted.
But she’d do it for her mum. Helen deserved it. She’d lost too much already – more than a person should have to take in a lifetime.
Chapter Thirty Six
When Max saw the ‘failed delivery’ notice in his inbox, he felt as if a bucketful of ice had been poured over his head. His fingers were frozen on the keyboard and he was unable to move or form a coherent thought for a few long moments. As his blood started circulating again, he tried to calm down and not feel like his only connection with Stella had just been cut off.
Maybe it was a technical error. Emails got lost and returned to sender all the time, right? He quickly typed a new email and hit ‘send’. The next two minutes were the longest in his life.
Until the email came back undelivered, and Max felt his heart shatter.
He closed his laptop forcefully, calling on all the self-control he possessed so that he didn’t throw it against the wall. Pacing around his room, Max felt helpless, angry, hopeless, lost. What was he supposed to do now?
There was only one person who could give him what he wanted and he was going to get it out of her, whatever it took.
Max parked his car in Lisa’s driveway and got out, fully prepared for a huge fight. He wouldn’t leave her house without Stella’s phone number and address, even if he had to chain himself to her fridge. Ringing the bell, he took a deep breath and prayed that she was actually home. The door opened and Lisa stood in front of him, surprise written all over her face. Just as Max was about to brush past her and launch into an angry tirade, her eyes filled with tears and the surprise on her face melted into sadness.
“Lisa, what’s going on?” asked Max, as she gestured him to come in and closed the door behind him. She went to the sofa without answering his question and he followed her.
“I was thinking about you and was trying to find reasons not to come and see you,” said Lisa, hastily wiping the tears that had spilled from her eyes.
“Just tell me what’s going on.” Max’s voice was clipped and hard. He knew this had something to do with Stella and the mere thought of something happening to her made his insides burn.
“Stella called last night,” said Lisa, and eyed him cautiously. Max’s body went rigid when he heard her name. He was so anxious that he felt he might explode any second now. “She ...” Lisa began, a sob escaping her lips.
“Just fucking tell me, Lisa!” Max heard himself yell, but it didn’t really register with his brain. All his conscious efforts were aimed at sitting down and just breathing.
“She has cancer, Max. That’s why she left.”
Max felt the blood drain from his whole body. Time stood still. His ears began to ring and he felt dizzy.
“Max!” Lisa shouted, jumping up from her place on the sofa and bending over him. He was aware she was there, but he was unable to do anything. His head was spinning, his throat was dry, his whole body was shaking. Lisa ran off somewhere, coming back with a glass of water. She forced it to his lips and he drank, swallowing painfully. She took the glass from his shaking hands and placed it on the table.
Max felt his blood start to flow again and he was aware of hearing Lisa’s voice over the ringing in his ears.
“Max, you’re scaring me. You’re as white as a dead man. Should I call an ambulance? Are you going to pass out on me?”
He shook his head ‘no’, and brought his fingers to his temple, massaging it and trying to regain some control over his body.
“Tell me everything,” he whispered.
Lisa told him the whole story – about Stella’s cancer, about the surgeries, why she pushed him away, her reaction when she found out how Max’s dad had died, about her last appointment that had confirmed her cancer was back.
“They can’t operate this time, but her mum has managed to get her an appointment in this hospital that does some experimental treatment.”
By the time Lisa was finished talking, Max was feeling more like himself again – only angrier.
“What made you tell me?” he asked, through clenched teeth.
�
�The treatment produces amazing results if it’s successful. But there’s a chance it might not be. It’s a very intensive treatment and that’s why it still hasn’t been approved for general use.” Lisa lifted her eyes to his face and waited until he looked at her too. “There’s a chance she might die, Max. I would have never forgiven myself if she died and you didn’t know.”
Max jumped up from the sofa, unable to sit next to Lisa any longer. He was beyond angry. He was furious.
“I can’t believe this. How dare you? How dare you keep this from me? You think I’m a fucking coward? That I won’t stand by the woman I love when she’s sick?”
“Exactly the opposite. Stella was certain you wouldn’t leave if she told you. She didn’t want to put you through something like this again. Once is more than enough for a lifetime. It wasn’t my decision, Max; it was hers, I just followed through by not telling you. Until now, anyway.”
“Too bad. It’s not her choice – it’s mine. Give me her address and number right now.” His voice was deadly, even though he tried to rein in his anger.
“Before I do, I want you to think about this for longer than a minute ...”
“I don’t need to think about anything. I love her. I’ll be there for her, no matter what happens. Now give me what I need. I have a plane to catch.”
Lisa nodded and scribbled Stella’s details on a piece of paper. She paused for a moment before taking her phone out and copying a number from it.
“Call Aunt Helen; don’t just barge in. She’ll be on your side and – trust me – you’re going to need an ally when Stella sees you.”
It was 6 p.m. by the time Max had landed in London and got into a taxi. On the way to Stella’s house, he tried to calm down and rationalise everything that had happened since this morning.
He had called Helen from the airport as Lisa had suggested. She was happy and maybe even relieved to hear from him. She took some convincing, but she agreed to let him stay with them and accompany them to Oxford for the procedure. He told her he had no intention of leaving Stella’s side ever again. If Helen wasn’t comfortable with him staying at her house he would rent a flat nearby, but he wasn’t going back to Italy without Stella. Helen had sighed and said,
In a heartbeat (Heartbeat #1) Page 32