by Hilary Wynne
You sent me lyrics to Again by Needtobreathe after our first night together. It’s ironic I can say those words back to you months later.
I don’t want to stay, I don’t want to fall
I don’t want to have to see you leave me
I’m sorry I can’t make this right, Alexa. Right now I don’t know how.
Julian
I wipe the tears that have started dripping from my eyes and grab my purse. I need to see him. I need to hold him in my arms and tell him how I feel, and I need to do it as many times as it takes until he believes it. I don’t tell anyone I’m leaving and I head to the hotel on foot. I’m literally a hot mess by the time I get there, and scold myself for walking. What was I thinking? It’s hot as hell outside.
I have the same feelings walking into the hotel as I did when I walked into Julian’s condo. It’s a sense of not belonging that overtakes me for a moment. I duck into the nearest restroom and sit on one of the couches in there for a minute to compose myself. I’ve needed to do a lot of composing these last few days. I’m trying my hardest to be strong on the outside, but on the inside, I’m still a nervous wreck. I need Julian to know how much he means to me. I need to show it, and not just say it. He needs that from me and I get it. Because I’ve been so scared to get hurt, my actions haven’t always demonstrated my true feelings. I hate feeling or appearing so vulnerable, but I also know this isn’t the time for me to act like I don’t care. With all this in mind, I rub the make-up off that’s smeared under my eyes, fix a few flyways hairs, and put on some lip-gloss. Then I head out to find Julian.
I have no idea what I’m even going to say, but it turns out it’ll have to wait because when I find him standing near the reception desk, he’s not alone. Standing next to Julian, very closely I might add, is a stunning woman. They hear the click-clack of my heels on the marble floor and both look at me. Julian looks very surprised to see me and What’s-her-face looks at me blankly. I put one foot in front of the other and keep going until I find myself standing right in front of them. Julian offers me a small smile. “Hi Alexa. This is a surprise.”
Okay, very formal. I can handle this. “Hey, Julian, I got your email and wanted to respond in person. Do you have a minute?” I smile as widely as I can without looking fake. Julian notices me looking the woman next to me up and down, and I swear I see a smirk cross his face.
“Alexa Reed, this is Kelsey Winters, my new assistant.” He doesn’t bother clarifying who I am. Seriously, this is his new assistant? The one he mentioned this morning? The one I stupidly assumed was a man?
Kelsey reaches her hand out to shake mine, and I can’t do anything except return the gesture even though I’m not feeling particularly friendly. My reaction isn’t just because she’s a woman either. This woman is beautiful. I mean really beautiful. She’s young and tall, with legs to die for. She has jet-black hair cut into a very stylish bob and big brown eyes, that despite my hostile stare, are warm and friendly. She has a very exotic look, and I guess she’s part Asian. Did I mention her perfect skin?
As we reach out to shake hands she drops a pen she’s holding and bends down to pick it up. I look down as well and that’s when things take a very, very bad turn. Not only is Julian’s new assistant a drop-dead gorgeous with no ring on her finger woman, but she’s wearing a pair of high-heeled Zanotti pumps that I love. They have a mixed print of cheetah and polka dots with different brightly colored piping. They’re funky and fun, and I can’t see many women pulling them off, which is what always attracted me to them. I didn’t buy them because they cost over seven hundred dollars. Are you freaking kidding me? She has a pair of shoes on I’ve literally drooled over for months. This is bad. Every single jealous synapse in my body begins to rapid fire, and when I look up at Julian I find him smiling. He knows exactly what I’m thinking. Damn it.
Her smile doesn’t waver. “It’s nice to meet you, Alexa.” I look at her hand and see her manicure is perfect too. Of course. God, I hate her.
“You too, Kelsey.” My smile is so fake my teeth hurt just doing it. I look at Julian and he can’t hide his amusement.
Kelsey turns to Julian. “I’ll go check out those rooms and find you in a little bit.” She smiles at me warmly and walks away. I can’t help but stare at her shoes. They’re even cuter in person.
Julian takes my hand and walks me back to his office. He closes the door behind him and leans up against his desk. “Are you okay? You look like your head might explode.” He’s trying hard not to laugh.
“I’m great. You’re the one with the problem. You’re paying that girl way too much if she can afford those shoes.”
The laugh he’s been holding back finally comes out. “I wish I could’ve taken a picture of your face when you noticed her shoes. It was priceless.”
I feel somewhat stupid now, so I try to brush it off. “Okay, I’m envious of her shoes. I love those shoes. Loved. I’m over them now.”
Julian is still smiling. “I’m surprised to see you.”
I’m standing near the door and move in next to him to close the physical and emotional gap between us. I try to bring the focus back to why I’m here. “I’m sorry I didn’t respond to your email earlier. I’ve been super busy today, and never thought to check my personal email. After I read it, I knew I needed to respond in person.”
I take another small step closer so I’m inches away from him. I place my hand on his heart and look him in the eyes. It’s subtle, but I hear his intake of breath. “More than anything it hurts me to know I’ve made you doubt yourself. You’re the most amazing, loving, loyal, strong, and patient man I’ve ever known. Will ever know. You didn’t make one wrong step, Julian. Since the moment I met you, I didn’t feel worthy of your love. You gave me your love, and despite all my craziness, you still wanted me. I couldn’t understand why, and to be honest I still struggle with those feelings of doubt. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted in my life and everything I have convinced myself I would never have. I understand how you feel about me and about all of this, and as much as it sucks, I can’t blame you for how you feel. I didn’t fight for us when you needed me, and I will always, always, regret that. But I’m fighting for us now and I’ll continue to fight until you either believe in your heart we’re meant to be together, or you ask me to leave. I won’t leave you, Julian. I promise.”
One thing I have on my side is that I can read this man when I look into his eyes. He can’t hide from me there, and what I see now is love. I see trepidation too, but I see love. As long as I can see that, I know we have a chance to make it through this. Julian puts his hand over my hand on his heart and squeezes it gently. He leans in and puts his forehead on mine. I think he’s going to kiss me, but he doesn’t. I hold my breath, waiting for his response.
His voice is a whisper. “Okay.”
I slide my arms around his neck and pull him close to me. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me closer, and I finally exhale. He smells and feels so good, and so right. This is where I belong and I’m not going to let this end. No matter what, I’m going to make this all right between us, even the Luke situation. I’m going to make that okay somehow too. I have to.
There is a knock at the door and it jolts us out of the special moment we just created. Julian takes a step away from me, but we’re still close. “Come in.”
The door opens and Kelsey walks through. She assesses the situation quickly, and the fact Julian and I aren’t just friends registers on her face. “I’m sorry to interrupt. I can come back later.”
“It’s okay Kelsey, I’m leaving.” I turn to look at Julian. “Thanks for listening. I’ll talk to you soon.”
I’m walking away when Julian puts his hand on my waist to stop me. I turn to look at him, and he leans in and kisses me on my cheek. It’s soft and warm and the perfect gesture for the situation. He leans in closer and whispers in my ear. “Thank you.” When I pull back and look at him, his eyes are warm and peaceful, and I feel a sense of calm. We’
ve made some progress. The fact that Julian was intimate with me in front of a new employee who doesn’t know anything about our relationship, buoys my spirits.
“It was nice to meet you, Kelsey.” This time my smile is sincere. I look down at her shoes as I make my way to the door and past her. “And by the way, love your Zanottis.”
Kelsey looks down at her shoes, than back up at me, and then Julian. She looks at my shoes, which are cute, but not very impressive Nine West shoes, and says thank you. She has no idea who she’s dealing with, and I make a mental promise the next time she sees me she’ll be the one with shoe envy.
I make the walk back to The Promenade slowly and calmly. I’m glad I went to see Julian. I feel my phone buzz in my purse and pull it out.
Julian: <3
I take a deep breath. He’s amazing. In the middle of his own emotional turmoil, he still looks out for my feelings. I love this man.
Alexa: <3 <3
Nobody missed me while I was gone, and nothing is really going on, so I wrap up a few loose ends and call it a day. I haven’t gone running the last few days because it’s been so hot, and I feel the need to exercise. If I get home and change, I can make a yoga class not far from home.
Alexa: Going to 6pm yoga. Want to go?
Marissa: Yes
Alexa: I’ll be home by 5:30
Marissa: K
I’m putting my phone down when it rings. I hope it’s Julian. It’s not. It’s Ellen. Crap. My heart starts beating rapidly. This is the one person I haven’t made any amends with over the last few weeks. I basically just stopped talking to her and started ignoring her calls. My guilt has kept me from reaching out. I’m very tempted to ignore the call, but know I can’t.
“Hi, Ellen.”
“Hi, Lexie.” Her voice sounds very friendly, and I know it’s a ploy to keep me from getting defensive right off the bat. She is a professional.
“How are you? It’s been weeks, and I’ve been very worried about you. I’m not trying to cross any lines here, but I’d love to know you’re okay.”
“I don’t even know what to say to you. I’m sorry. I’m okay. I really am.”
I hear her exhale. “That’s good to hear. I want you to know my door is always open, no matter what.”
I pause for a moment. I was determined to stop the whole therapy thing, but I really did it for all the wrong reasons. I didn’t stop because I was okay, I stopped because I was anything but okay, and the second I heard Ellen’s voice, I knew I still wanted to have her be a part of my life.
“Do you mean that?”
She chuckles. “Of course I do.”
“Good, because I need to talk to you. When can you fit me in?” I need to talk about what’s going on between Julian and me, and about how I’m going to handle the Luke situation.
Her chuckle becomes more of a laugh. “I can see you tomorrow in your usual spot. I didn’t give it away yet. I was hoping you’d come back soon, at least to wrap things up.”
“I’ll be there, and Ellen, thank you for not quitting on me.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Phew. I get off the phone and feel like a weight has lifted off of me. I hadn’t realized until now what a burden that was. I tried not to think about the fact that I blew off one of the people who has been there for me through this whole crazy chapter of my life. I know I pay her and I know she’s doing her job, but it’s so much more to me. I certainly made some wrong turns over the last few weeks. God, what a freaking mess I was.
I spend the rest of the ride home thinking about all of the bad choices I’ve made recently. By the time I get home, I’m in a really bad mood and feeling very down on myself. It’s not a good place for me to go in my head because when I start to feel bad about myself, things can spiral out of control quickly. Luckily, Marissa is at home and waiting for me to go to yoga. She sees the look on my face when I walk in, and knows something is wrong.
“First of all, cute dress, when did you get that? And second, why do you look like you just lost your best friend?” Her voice is playful and light, and I know she’s trying to pull me out of my very obvious bad mood.
“It’s cute, huh? I spent the night at Julian’s and didn’t want to come home to get stuff. So I shopped. Nicole Miller, on sale. And second, seeing as you, my BFF, is standing in front of me, I clearly am not worried about that.”
“Then what’s wrong? Julian?”
“It’s nothing really.” She looks at me through squinted eyes and I know I won’t get off the hook so easily.
“Okay, it’s everything. But I need to change so we can get to the class. We can talk on the way over.”
I hurry to my room and quickly change into a pair of wine-colored capri yoga pants and a matching wine and tangerine colored striped tank. I pull my mat out of my closet, grab some water in the kitchen, and Marissa and I get in her car. On the way over, I tell her about everything that has happened.
She lets me ramble on and doesn’t say anything until I finish. We pull up in front of the yoga studio with about ten minutes to spare. She takes her seat belt off and turns in her seat to look at me. She smiles comfortingly.
“First, you need to ignore everything Serena says to you. I’m sure she made that up because even if Julian said that, which we both know he didn’t, he wouldn’t have said it to her or in front of her. Second, I’m glad Ellen called, and that you’re going to go see her. It’s good for you, Lex. Stop feeling so guilty about how you handled the situation. She knows you and what has been going on, and I’m sure she didn’t take it personally. If I can forgive you, so can she.”
I laugh a little and smile thinly.
“As for Julian, well that’s something that’s going to take time to heal. You know that. I wish I could sit here and tell you things are going to be okay when he finds out about Luke, but—”
“But you know they aren’t. I know it too and I’m scared to death about how he’s going to react.”
“Have you considered not telling him?”
I nod my head. “Every day. But you know me and I can’t hide this from him forever. It’s eating me up inside. Every time I tell him how much I love him and how I’ll fight for us and be there for him, I feel like a fraud. I mean what I’m saying, but I feel like I’m trying to rebuild a relationship on quicksand. All of the good is going to disappear when he finds out, and our love is going to sink so deep it’ll be buried for good.”
Marissa stares at me compassionately because she knows I’m right and she isn’t going to bother convincing me otherwise. “When are you going to tell him?”
“I have no idea, but soon. I keep telling myself if I can remind him how much he loves me and how he can’t live without me, I’ll be in a better position.”
She starts to say something but I cut her off. “I know it’s crazy because the longer I go, the more I’m betraying his trust. I know.”
There really isn’t anything else to say so we get out of the car, grab our stuff, and head into the studio. I spend the next sixty minutes trying to calm my mind and center myself and for the most part, it works. When we leave, I’m certainly in a better place than when I got here.
Shannon had texted both of us when we were in the studio and asked to meet for dinner. We meet up at a café not far from our house, and over a very healthy salmon salad, I fill her in on all the details of the past few days. Her responses are similar to Marissa’s. Nobody is going to blow any smoke up my ass about this.
Later that night after a relaxing shower, a glass of white wine, and some online shopping, I get a call from Julian while I’m lying in bed getting ready to go to sleep. It’s only a little after ten, but I’m wiped from what turned out to be another emotional day.
“Did I wake you up? You sound like you’re sleeping.”
“No, I’m just lying in bed. I went to a yoga class, took a shower, had a glass of wine and I’m feeling pretty relaxed.”
“That sounds nice, baby.”
I want to tell him all that’s missing is him, but in light of our conversation this morning, I don’t want to make him think I have any expectations of his time. “How was your night?”
“I just got home from my parents. Danny was there too. We had dinner, and I got to relive the night at the hospital. It wasn’t fun.”
“I’m sorry, Julian. It isn’t any fun to tell a painful story over and over again. Or at all …”
My thoughts go back to how I didn’t discuss my rape with anyone. Boy, do I know.
“It’s okay. My mom is upset and my dad is pissed. I think I convinced them to let it go because that’s what I’m going to do.”
“Can you?” I couldn’t. I’d be pissed and full of revenge if someone did that to me. The words are barely out of my mouth when I have another epiphany. I’m so into feeling bad about how I reacted to the baby situation and worrying about how Julian is feeling that I haven’t acknowledged how I have every right to be pissed and upset about Caroline’s actions too. Her web of lies set my life on a different trajectory, and led me to do things I never would have done. Damn it! I’m pissed too!
“I have to. When I let myself think about what her lies did to me, you, and my family, I see red. It’s a very dark and bad place for me to go, and no good is going to come out of me looking for revenge.”
I don’t want to brush off his feelings and I certainly don’t want him to go to any dark places, but I also know Julian’s lack of dealing with things isn’t a good plan either. There is no way he can just brush this off and move on. “Well, you’re a better person than I am. I couldn’t do that.”
A sarcastic laugh comes out. “I’m not so sure about that. I let Jordan go today. He just found out he had a baby and needs the job, and I fired him. I gave him a good severance package, but he still acted like a major dick about it. He was really defensive and sketchy. It was weird, and it pissed me off. So, it didn’t end well, and I told him to get the hell out of my hotel.”
“I’m sure he understands. This is probably a huge shock for him too. I bet he wasn’t thrilled to find out he was a dad and acted that way because he’s freaked out.”